Death and Family, Strange mix

Death affects people differently. Sometimes peoples true selves show up. Other times people don’t act at all like themselves at all. Those seen weak may be the ones that are strong and those seen as strong may be the ones who are weak. A death my pull a family together or rip it apart.

When my father died I did not even tell people at work. It was not a big deal to me. Even years later, I don’t feel much about it. I feel some anger and sadness but there was no real connection or loss. He was the last of that side of the family.

When my Grandmother died, well that was a completely different story. I still have anger that I did not get to attend her memorial service. My father was in charge of it and simply did not tell anyone about it. He took my Grandmothers ashes and dumped them in a rose garden. I don’t even know where. My Grandmother is someone I miss even 12 years after her death. I think about her often, and tell my children about her. She is truly missed.

My husband’s Grandmother died a week ago. He flew out for a week to attend her viewing, funeral and burial. He had not seen anyone in his family for almost 20 years. Strangely enough her death pulled the family together. They came from all over Canada to say good-by. There was over 200 family members directly related to her. She was their Mother, Grandmother or Great Grandmother. People who had not spoken to each other in decades mourned her together. It will be interesting to see if the closeness brought on by her death can survive beyond her loss.

What do you mean my son has ADHD and ODD

For years I have been trying to improve my parenting skills. I knew I was lacking in them. I had poor examples growing up. So when things were hard I assumed I was doing something wrong. Or I should say: I could be doing things differently. I tried parenting groups and parenting classes. Some of them helped. I learned a lot. I tried to do most of it with little or limited success.

I tried harder. I asked for help. I asked Children’s aid come in help me figure out what was wrong. Well I was sent to a program called the incredible years. It was very help full and informative. But again I only had limited success. I had a very hard time connecting with my kids. I did not have fun with them. I did not want to play with them. I tried to explain what it was like. No one seemed to get it. I thought I was a bad parent because it was so hard. One lady told me at incredible year’s course, “You are supposed to want to play with your kids, what is wrong with you!”

The good thing was that I had asked for someone to come in and help me figure out what I was doing wrong. What did the home visitor from children’s aid tell me after months of coming over to teach me how to play with my kids? It was not me. Sure I had skills to learn still, but no I was a good parent. My kids were classified as being difficult. They directed me to a program called 0-6 at the Shedoks children’s mental health.

After months of observation it was decided to have my son looked at by a special doctor. Conclusion is that my son has ADHD and ODD. I cried. Not because I was happy knowing that there was a real problem and it was not my parenting. No it was because my son is going to struggle for a long time. He will have social issues and problems at school. He now has a label.

The good thing is that the medication he is on is helping him. He is now able to do school work. He is getting along with other children, and playing with them. His violence level has been greatly reduced. More important is that other children want to play with him. He is being included now, not feared and rejected.

For me it was a shock to find out that this is the way it is supposed to be. Not the stressed out unhappy child and parents. My son is fun to be around now. I love hearing what he has to say and what his opinions are. He is a different child. Still very difficult because of the ODD, but way better then the way things were. Now I love being around my kids and playing with them.

Risks when labeling children, do they become the label or do we treat them as such?

There are several risks when you label children. One is that they identify themselves with the label and then feel that they have no options but to be that label. That is how everyone sees them or that is the behavior expect of them so that must be who they are.

We all label our kids without thinking about it and may be trapping them in a mode of behavior without realizing it. This is so and so, she is really cute or smart, this is so and so he is a great dancer, this is so and so and he is the difficult one, the one with problems, anti social, etc.

The other problem is that people start treating the children based on their label. The cute one gets away with things, the bad one get in trouble all the time because everyone knows he is the bad apple. Or have higher expectations for the smart one, put more demands on that child then others. Or shy one is seen as being anti social, not shy and never gets past it and becomes anti social as a result. Once a child has been labeled it is almost impossible to remove the label. Once a child has been labeled difficult or slow or a problem that is how people see them even when it is not the case.
My 5 year old has been labeled as being difficult, a problem at school and has been removed from the school around 8 times and suspended 6 times. The problem I am having is that he has finally been identified as special needs and we are waiting for him to be tested to identify his needs, but the school has already put the labels difficult and bad on him and treat him as such, not as a child with special needs. We know that they are not working with him, when he gets upset they just remove him from the room and have us pick him up, often making the problem worse.
He is usually trying to tell people something and gets upset because people are not paying attention or listening to him. Removing him from the situation does not teach him how to act in that situation so he ends up repeating the same “errors”, nor does it give him a different set of behaviors that is seen as acceptable. How do they expect him to learn how to behave when all they do is yank him out and remove him? What lesson is learned? That when I scream and kick out I get to go home and don’t have to go to school the next day ether.

He keeps missing out on school activities and he is not learning the academics he needs to be in grade 1. He is losing out because it is easier for the school to remove him then it is to work with him. There is a 6 month or longer wait on the testing that will identify what his special needs are, so we know he is special needs but not exactly what the needs are so it is not on his school file. Once it has been identified and put on his file it is going to be at least 2 years before he will have an EA (an individual to help him though the school day) if he even gets one, and there is a 18 to 24 month wait on getting a speech therapist through the school system. This means that he will live with the label of being difficult until at least grade 3. That’s a long time, and I am sure he will have learned that is how they see him no matter what he does and will take on that label as his own by then.

I have seen this happen to other children, where they are labeled by one teacher and then treated by other teachers a certain way because what their file said about them. I know of one Mother who actually removed her son from school, sent him to his Grandmothers to go to school in her area. His file that said he was inattentive, lazy, below average with anger issues did not follow him. All the reports from the second school said he was above average, worked well with others and strived to learn and there never any mention of anger issues.

So the next year she brought him back, put him into the same school system he had been in before, and what did his old teacher do, made a point of letting the new teacher know what a problem he was. So again he was labeled as “bad” without doing a thing, and a year of positive feedback was disregarded on one teacher's say so. So even though the label was proven wrong it was how he was treated. So think before you label a child or believe a label someone has given a child. Just because someone says it is so does not make it so, that is just their opinion.

You know, Santa can see us!

We decided to go out for dinner tonight, a very rare treat for our children. They were very excited but for the most part behaved very well as we waited for the bus. Once we got on the bus and were actually on our way our three year old started to misbehave.

She was singing and jumping around on her chair, not the thing to do on a moving bus. Then she decided to bite the bus, a place where people put their hands. I gave her the “ONE, don’t put your mouth on that!”

She did it again, and so she got, “That is a two” and a stern look to let her know I was watching her. Clear as a bell you could hear our 5-year-old son tell her, “You know, Santa can see us!” That was it, she sat back on her seat with all the intent of a three year old to be good as gold. You could tell the parents on the bus, they were all laughing very hard.

Sick day turns into a fun tent day

My kids were both sick with colds so I kept them home just to be on the safe side. However I was not expecting to enjoy the day at home, trapped in a house with two kids not feeling very well. Then the cold medicine kicked in and I had two grumpy kids full of energy.

My kids decided all on their own that it was tent day. We pulled in the chairs from the kitchen and just about everything else the kids could get their hands on and they built a fort (with a little bit of help from Mom). The kids spent most of the day building and rebuilding the fort. The rest of the time was spent in the fort playing with each other and watching TV. They even made rooms for each of them to hang out and a living room that fit both of them, right in front of the TV. The only problem we had was when a blanket knocked down the bowl of chips. But the mess was soon cleaned up and they were off again.

The funny part was other then having me help out a little bit they did not want my attention, the tent was just to much fun. I kind of missed it, but at the same time did not mind that they were playing so well together for two grumpy sick kids. What could have been a difficult miserable day turned into a pretty good day simply because I let the kids do what they wanted to instead of worrying about the mess they were making.

To eat or not can be all the control a child has

For some children they feel that all they control is if they eat and where they go bathroom. Getting your child to eat or use the toilet can become a battle of wills that no one wins and often results in anger and frustration for all involved. Children will resist having their control taken way just as strongly or even more so then adults. And that is completely understandable, if what you put into your mouth or where you went potty was the only things you controlled in your life you would fight to keep that control.

It can be incredibly frustrating trying to get kids to eat, especially when food is limited or you went out of your way to make sure things your child loves in on their plate. I have been there. We have accepted that our kids will not always eat and have learned to deal with it in different ways.

When ever possible we include them in our food and meal decisions. We find out what they would like for dinner and if possible we provide it. Our kids are learning that it is not always possible for us to give them what they want. Also it has to be “real food” not treats and candy. You don’t want to know how often we have cereal, hot dogs or soup for dinner these days.

Portion size. We have reduced the portions we put on our kids plates. They get a spoonful of each item. They have to have at least the number of bites equal to their age of each thing on the plate. Though we tend to be a little lenient when out of no where the kids suddenly decide that they don’t like something anymore, one bite to try and then eat the other things on the plate.

If our kids will not eat, then that is fine, at five and three they understand the consequences. No treat, or dessert unless they eat their “real” food first. If they are to full too eat anymore then they are too full for dessert. Does it go smoothly, no way! We have a screaming child demanding that they get a cookie instead of the soup they asked for. Answer, “No, you eat your dinner first or leave the table and get nothing.” Often you will hear, “We are not a restaurant, you eat what we give you.” (Keeping in mind that they were involved in the meal decisions in the first place.) If the negative behavior continues food is removed from the table and they are done. If they are hungry later (and not at bedtime) they can have their dinner, not the treat or dessert. However at all time the child in question always controls if they eat or not, that is up to them. We cannot force them to eat all we do is give them the option to eat and don’t deny them the food when they are hungry.

Kids will not starve themselves, if they are hungry they will eat. It is just not worth the battle to try and make them eat. Just don’t give in on the candy, treats and desserts, they have to eat real food first. Also don’t force your child to eat something they hate unless it is all you have to give them.

Define failure

Over the years I have come to realize that our fear of failure has more control over our actions then our drive to succeed. Most of us will go out of our way to not fail. Many will put more effort in avoiding what they perceive as failure then they put into trying to become successful. Our fears are a great motivator. I know that I will go to almost any lengths to avoid what I see as failure, which is also my greatest fear.

My idea of failure has changed over the years. First it was giving in, not surviving, letting my family destroy me, letting them win or being what they expected of me – their idea of a failure. I succeeded in not being a failure; I lived and believed in myself. Then it became a fear of loosing my job, being unable to provide for myself, still connected to my earlier idea of failure. Now my idea of failure is being homeless or not being able to provide for my children or keeping them safe. Again tying into my childhood, but not an unreasonable definition of failure. I am lucky in that I have not found myself in that type of situation, and hope I never do. I don’t know what I am capable of doing to avoid that situation; I do know I would do almost anything to not let that happen. Something like Katrina and its results of being homeless and without a way to provide for my children or keep them safe would be my greatest fear.

My Mother’s idea of failure was to be unable to keep a man, or to be with out a man in her life. My mother remained married to a man who was a drunk, drug user, rapist, and wife beater who tried to kill her, and me, many times over many years. One day I asked her why. She said, “If the marriage failed she was a failure”. She defined failure as being unable to keep a husband. It did not mater that we went without a lot of things, were poor, living in a trailer without water or electricity or that her husband beat her and life was bad as long as she had a man in her life she was good. It was strange to see someone accept all the pain and suffering for herself and child just to keep her husband because to loose him was to fail. And yet for me she was a failure because she did not protect nor provide for her child, whatever man that was in her life was always more important.

I know people who feel they are a failure if they don’t have the big paying job with a great title and the corner office and are willing to sacrifice everything and everyone to get there. Others think they have to be married and have kids before they are 30 or they have somehow failed. I don’t find these to be realistic definitions of success or failure, but then they are not mine. I know more people who define failure as not being there for their children, being unable to pay rent or put food on the table, or letting someone beat or control them. To me this is a realistic definition of failure.

As everyone has his or her own idea of success we also have our own concept of failure. This defines us as much as our concept of success. We are doing ok as long as this does not happen. Where is your line drawn for failure? What in your mind is the one thing that would make you a failure? Is it rational or realistic? I ask this because some people believe that everything is fine as long as this does not happen or they have not crossed a line but the reality is that they are in need of help, are on a downward spiral and should not be waiting until the worse happens before dealing with it.

People like my Mother who though what ever the man in her life was doing was ok as long as he stayed with her, even if he did not care for her, respect her or even want her alive anymore, or tried to kill her child. I see it in others all the time. This idea that as long as some pre-defined occurrence does not happen life is good no mater what is actually happening. It is like the drug addict who say’s as long as I am only popping pills and not using a needle I am in control, or the overweight person who is ok as long as they don’t reach 300 lbs, or the gambler who has not lost the house yet. . All Hell could be breaking loose in their lives but as long as “This” does not happen everything is OK.

Now most of us are not that bad, but we do need to understand what motivates us. Is it the desire to succeed or the fear of failing? I think that both can be a positive force in our lives if we have realistic drives or fears. What we see as success is not always what we see as failure. The idea of success is to make sure something happens, to not fail is to make sure something does not happen. The other questions we really need to be asking are, “If we do not succeed with our idea of success does that make us a failure?” “Or is it that if we can prevent what we perceive as failure from happening we are successful?” “Is success the same thing as not failing?” “Can we succeed in one area and fail in another?” “Are our definition of success the same as failure?” “Are our definitions of success or failure ours or what we have been taught to believe by others?” Most important, “Is our definition of success or failure realistic?”

Are we teaching our children to be honest?

A five-year-old girl looked at a lady she had known for about a year and said, “You have a big bum”. The adult turned to her and said, “That is mean. You have a big head”. The child was not trying to hurt the ladies feelings; she was making an honest observation. She was confused by the reprimand and comment about her head.

To my shame I did not open my mouth to support the child. I was just shocked by the adult’s response, and was not sure how to deal with this when it was not my child. I know what I would have said if she had been talking to my daughter. “Your bum is big and so is mine, so what!” I figured the parent would deal with it, but I had forgotten that she is deaf and did not hear what was said. She was dealing with her son and was not in a position to lip read. I do feel guilty for not saying something to support the little girls honesty.

It did make me think about how honest children are. If you want a real honest answer ask a child’s opinion on something. They will tell you your breath stinks, that shirt does make you look fat and dinner is gross. Then we start to teach them to be polite, or lie to make people feel better. I don’t know about most people, but I know my butt is big and having someone tell me my butt does not look that big in those pants does not change the fact my butt is still big. If my breath is stinky I want to know so I can do something about it.

My husband would eat some dinner disaster of mine and I would be saying “this is bad” but he would keep on eating and saying it was fine because he did not want to hurt my feelings. Even after I would say, “It is so bad I did not want to eat it”, he would not admit it was horrible. For years he ate things way over spiced because he did not want to hurt my feelings. I would much rather had him tell me it was over spiced or not to his taste, that was why I was asking in the first place, to find out how he felt about the meal so I knew what he liked and did not like. He suffered for years because he did not want to be rude. I don’t even have to ask my kids, they tell me what they don’t like and why. Knowing makes it easer to have meals that actually get eaten, especially with kids who’s likes and dislikes seem to change with the direction of the wind.

In my home we are guilty of telling our children that we don’t want to hear about something anymore. Every time a toy commercial comes on all we hear is, “I want that”. It gets very frustrating after a few times of trying to explain that we don’t have the money so we end up saying, “I don’t want to hear that you want anything, don’t tell me you want it again”. Which is telling our kids not to admit they want things. We realized this and have changed it to, “put it on your Christmas list, maybe Santa will pick that one for you”. But we are still guilty of saying, “I don’t care anymore about who did what, just stop fighting” which is just a way of saying don’t tell me the truth, or the truth does not matter as long as the adults get the result they want.

I think that it is a fine line we walk when we are trying to teach our children not to be rude or demanding. They need to understand that it is ok to be honest about what you think, feel or want. We as the adults have to remember they are children learning about life. What does it say about our society when one of the things we teach is for them to not express themselves, make observations or state they like or dislike something? What are we putting more value on, honesty or dishonesty and emotional suppression to keep other people happy?

Mind you this is an observation from someone who does not have a filter on her mouth. I say what I think most of the time. If you ask for my opinion your going to get an honest opinion, so don’t ask me if you just want to make your ego feel better. I don’t go out of my way to be rude or insensitive, but I am honest and blunt about things. I respect that in others far more then the polite responses used to placate others. So of course I respect a child’s honesty. If I don’t like what kids have to say I don’t turn on the child and reprimand them or teach them to lie. If my butt is huge than I have to acknowledge and accept that it is and if I don’t like it do something about it. Not make people lie to me about it.

Reverse racism

What an odd term. I first heard it about 25 years ago in BC when a ruling came down that companies had to have a certain percentage of minorities on their payroll. It was a Government effort to fight racism that did not go over so well with anyone. The term reverse racism meant that someone was hired because they were a minority not because they were the best person for the job. White males felt that if they applied for the same job as a black man and a black woman the black woman would get the job no mater who had the better skills. Minorities did not like it because it made them feel they got jobs because of their skin color, sex or religion not because they could do the job. People on both sides of the issue stated the person with the best skills or abilities should get the job no mater what their sex, religion or skin color.

I recently heard the term reverse racism being used to describe anyone who is not white being racist toward white people. As if white people had the corner on racism and anything else is reverse racism. I don’t care which side of the fence you are on, racism is racism! Putting the word reverse in front of it does not change it, clean it up, or make it right. So you have a lot of hate and anger toward white people because of their racism toward you and you have become racist against them. Calling it reverse racism does not change that it is still racism. You feel that you have very good reasons for your anger and hate and why you are racist. Every person who is a racist feels the same way you do, that his or her reasons justifies their actions and their racism. It still does not make it right.

Racism has been around as long as mankind has been. It has always been us against them when it came to survival. It is just how most people are wired: you are part of us or one of them. There is no such thing as reverse racism; it is just a term being used to justify racism. They were racist toward me and mine so now I am racist against them. It does make some sense, this group of people treated me badly and now I dislike anyone I see as being a part of that group. Yet at the same time makes no sense because not every one that can be placed in that group has ever harmed you. Also most people who are discriminated against are angry because someone could or would not see past their sex, religion or skin color and used it to judge them and their abilities. Why would it make any sense to do the exact same thing that was done you to someone else?

I don’t think I will ever understand racism. I can say that I have experience a type of racism or more accurately discrimination. I grew up very poor, in a home without religion but lots of drugs. Of all things to be discriminated against it was because I was not raised Christen. I did not go to church so I was not a good person and therefore could not play with their children. What an unchristian like attitude for a bunch of Christen adults to take toward a child. Of course I was also discriminated against because we were poor and my mom was a hippy and arrested for drugs. But it was the “Your not a Christen” attitude that stands out because it made no sense, there was no logic involved just anger and hate. Racism is not about skin color, people will find a reason to hate or blame their problems on someone because they are different in some way. If a person needs to find a reason to put others down to make themselves feel better they will find a reason to justify why that person is less then them. It may be skin color, sex, religion, what school they went to, what country they were born in, their job or paycheck. No matter what label or justification they put on it, it is still racism or discrimination.

Five years old and already in the principles office

I received a call from the school, a lady with a panicked voice told me to come pick up my son from the principles office. He was acting out and they felt I should come pick him up. Ok. Off I went not sure what to expect. What I found was the principles office in lock down as they tried to control my 5 year old. This included restraining him “for his own safety” as he was jumping on things, hitting and more. I told them to let him go, and my son ran to me. Then he became hostile to me as well as I tried to find out what was going on.

It seems he became out of control in the classroom, jumping on desks so they removed him. This did not work so well as it caused him to lash out even more. He was angry, frustrated, and somewhat scared. There have been a lot of changes in the last few weeks. He changed daycare, his sister did not, he started school and so did his dad. The daycare he seems to be ok with, but he is not doing so well in the more structured school environment. He cannot remove himself from an activity and do what he wants anymore. He does not take to well to being told, “No, you have to do this”. He takes after us, his parents, a little too much.

There are two big issues though. The first is that we were told that daycare would take care of snacks, but for the first week when everyone else had snacks he did not. He was feeling very left out and was upset, but never said anything to us. Nor did his teacher. He told his daycare teacher on Monday, who told us what was going on. We were not happy when we found on Monday that he had been going to school with out a snack for over a week. It was a misunderstanding the daycare gives a snack after school not to take into class.

When we asked his kindergarten teacher why she did not tell us this was going on she said he did not really need a snack because he had lunch at the daycare and a snack after. That is a problem for me, it has nothing to do with food but socializing and fitting in, and she did not understand that. Of course he has been upset, he has been left out and made to feel different. On Tuesday we sent a snack with him but he had his melt down and was removed from the class before snack time.

The second issue is that he has a severe speech problem. At his old daycare everyone understood him. He feels that people don’t hear him in his kindergarten class. His outburst started because yet again he was saying something to his teacher and felt that he was being ignored. He was angry and was trying to get her attention with his actions. He got it but not the way he wanted it.

The school decided that starting that Wednesday they would have him in Kindergarten for one hour and then remove him and put him back into daycare. This would give him a chance to adjust to kindergarten. Everyday they would add an extra 15 minutes until he started acting out again or was doing all three hours. I did not feel that comfortable with this, another way to make him feel left out and different. Sure enough they removed him with out any warning. Suddenly he was being pulled from class for no reason at all. He wanted to stay with his friends and had another melt down.

I don’t blame him. I would be upset to if I was being good and doing what I was told and someone came and took me away. He kept saying he did not do anything. Sure enough I had to come and get him a second time. Both the daycare and I were not happy with the way things were handled and let the school know it. Things got changed that day. This was not going to happen to him again. On Thursday he was given early warning that he would be leaving the class, and his teacher from daycare came and got him. He did not feel as if he was being punished this time.

I am trying to work with the school but I don’t think that they have handled this very well. They have labeled him a problem child now. Personally I think his outbursts were completely validated as his only way to get people to hear him. We are more aware of what is going on now so things have calmed down now. But I am not happy with the teacher’s poor communication skills. We look at his communication book everyday and so far she had put nothing in it, no comments on what he is doing or that he was left out of snack or acting out. I am holding her accountable, I will be calling her everyday to find out what is going on with my son. I am not going to let them label my son a problem child just because she could not bother to write in his book to let us know there was a problem.


Update - after trying to work with the school for most of the school year we ended up going to the school trustee.  End result – an investigation into not only my son’s teacher but also the principle and vice principle.  The teacher was not asked back for the following year – she was doing things that were not acceptable.  The principle and vice principle stayed for one more year – but my son was sent to a different school.  They were removed from the school the following year – seems they were both under investigation the entire year – why because the things that were done to my son was just the tip of the iceberg. 

Would you parent differently if you knew you were dying?

It is a hard question, one most of us don't want to think about. But how would knowing that you are dying change how you live and parent. I would like to think that I would not be different, but I know that I would try to make the most out of every moment I had. It would change how I parent and just how I live my life. Would it change yours? How would you handle dying and being a parent?

I don't want to ever be in the position of knowing that I was dying, but at the same time at least if you know death is coming it gives you the chance to say goodbye, tell people what you think and feel. A chance to fix things and enjoy what is left of your life with those you love. It gives you the chance to do things you always wanted to but just never had the time. It gives you the time to try and create lasting memories for your friends and family to cherish after you are gone.

There is one Mother who is dying and willing to talk about it. She has a blog called the diary of a dying mom. It is well written and interesting just on its own. She has a story that is worth reading and thinking about. Though some days it just rips my hart out knowing what she is going through, hoping that she has enough time to give enough happy memories to her children before she dies. What reflections would you have? Would they be good ones or not? If not then maybe it is time to start creating positive memories even if you are not dying. It is a sad life if you don't have any good memories. I think that when I am angry or frustrated with my kids and just life in general it will do me some good to read her blog and get things back into perspective.

It has been said many times over in many different words but it comes down to "Live your life as if it is the last day you have on this earth."

After effects, pedophile goes to jail now what

A few years ago a monster was reveled to be among people I knew and hung out with for years. Bruce was sexually molesting the children of those who knew and trusted him. This had been going on for years. Eventually one of the kids became old enough and strong enough to let people know what was going on. Then the true horror came out as family after family realized they had let this monster have access to their children. And the questions started, did he do anything to my child or children. Unfortunately the answer was yes. (Not my kids because we did not let them baby-sit or be alone with them)

So people did the right thing (or not) they let him live and put him in jail. That was not the end of it. There are countless children, some are teenagers now, dealing with what was done with them, who statistically will either become victims or abusers if they cannot get the help they need. The parents are still dealing with the guilt that they let this happen. The guilt destroyed relationships, families and marriages. The guilt and anger ate away at them.

A large group of people literally fell apart. Years of friendship and experiences all became tainted by one man. The local SCA group (the hobby group they all belonged to) became associated in the minds of many with this man and what he did to the children of his friends. People stopped being a part of the SCA because now the people in it and the events they went to reminded them of Bruce. Even people who did not have children molested by him pulled away. Everyone was thinking, how come I did not see this, what could I have done, how did I let those children down?

His family had to deal with the guilt and shame. Though his sister and her husband publicly supported him and still feel he should be let back into the SCA. Not going to happen, they know what he is now. However this has caused a lot of conflict and destroyed quite a few friendships. The fact that they are both still part of the SCA group is part of the reason why so many have left it.

Then there is Bruce’s wife. She said she knew nothing about this side of him and divorced him as soon possible. She feels guilt for not seeing through him, and the fact that he was using her to get to more kids. They were babysitting a lot. She lost a lot of friends even though people said they knew she had nothing to do with it. She was still his wife. People could not be around her and not think of him. She has tried to move on and is in a new relationship but is still being affected by what he did. It did not help that Bruce and his lawyer tried to say that she was supporting him to try and get a lighter sentence. People who heard the lawyer say it in court are having a hard time getting past that even though she said it was a lie. No mater what she does now she has been tainted by the brush of Bruce and even years later feels as if she has to defend herself, that she did not know what he was doing and did not support him.

People are still dealing with what Bruce did years later. He gets out of jail next year and I am sure people will still be dealing with the aftereffects for years to come. It says something when the aftereffects outlast his jail time. I don’t think he was sentenced for enough time. Though I am not sure if there is going to be enough time for the children and their families. The question now is; where is he going to get his next victim? Someone who did this for years is not someone who is going to change or stop. He is just going to find another source of children and the cycle starts again.

I am vain and petty when it comes to my Ex

This weekend I unexpectedly came across an ex, one that I have a very negative reaction to. I found out that I am vain and petty enough to want to look better and be obviously happier now then when I was with him and better then the person he is with now. That even though I don’t even like him I would like it that whenever he laid eyes on me he would see that I am better off without him, and to see what he lost and have regrets. And not just that he could have taken more from me if he had the opportunity, but that he regrets not having this wonderful person (me) in his life anymore. My ego is big enough to think, you had this and now you can never have it again, nanananananana! So yes I am being petty and vain.

I think it is a normal reaction to someone so hateful and harmful, to want them to see how much better you are without them in your lives. This guy is poison, very bad news. Though it is a nice to think that every ex in my life who saw me again thought that they made a mistake when they lost me. It is not very realistic but it is an ego thing. I don’t actually think about my ex except when I have to deal with the financial consequences of being with him in the first place, or run into him.

I don’t like the man and would never ever want to be with him again. Even after many, many years I still have two thoughts concerning this man. One is that I wish mirror spells worked so that everyone around him could see him the way he really is not the image he tries to put out. This is more to prevent him from harming others. That way it would make it harder for him to use and abuse others. He would not be able to scam people anymore or hurt them. If someone became involved with him they would do so with their eyes open. The problem is that he is very good at what he does; he has years and years of experience of hiding his true self as he takes as much as he can. The illusion starts to fade when he has a new victim lined up and he has taken as much from you as he can, you cannot believe that this is the same person you trusted.

The second is for the three-fold rule to come back on him. That all the positive and negative things he has done in the world come back to him three fold. I know it is a mean thought but he has done a lot of damage to quite a few people and yet he always seems to come out untouched or benefits from what he does. I believe if you do the crime you should do the time and he has yet to face any real consequences. He is the guy that when an animal crosses the road steps one the gas not the breaks and then is happy if he kills it.

It bothers me that even after all these years I am still paying the price for his greed, and so are my husband and children. I spent years trying to clean up the debt load I got into with him, and trying to recover the thousands of dollars and inventory he took. He siphoned the money and inventory out of my business and it went from a successful one to me having to declare bankruptcy. I have spent and will spend many more years trying to recover financially all because I trusted the wrong person. I guess in this case it is not so much that he is an ex but that he is a con artist who got away with it.

Stress is the enemy, not the kids

It is all in your mindset

A few weeks ago I had a day that started off all wrong. We slept in a bit, and of course that threw our whole routine off. There is no such thing as rushing a 3 and 5 year old. The end result is that we watched the bus we needed pass us by and the next one was not for another half hour. After waiting about 15 minuets I realized I had left something at home and we had to go back and get it. There was little chance of us getting home and then back to the bus stop to catch the next one.

I tried to and we almost made it. The bus showed up 5 minuets early so we again got to see it pass us by. Unfortunately I did snap at my kids because it had been such a struggle to get them to the bus stop in the first place. I had just spent about half an hour to forty-five minutes trying to get them to get someplace fast. That was my fault, not theirs and I knew it even as I raised my voice. I was stressed about being late for my class and their preschool. Their preschool will not take them after 9:30 and we would not make it in time if we waited for the next bus. We returned home, I refocused my mind and attitude well Daddy took them both to potty.

I took a little breather, accepted the fact that I was going to be at least an hour late for class and let that stress go. There was nothing I could do to change it, so take a deep breath and let the stress go. Daddy called the school to let them know we were running late, so that stress was gone. I decided to walk to the preschool as it would take about 25 minutes to walk and we could make it in time. My kids and I had a nice walk, with a calm Mom (me) and happy kids as we actually talked on the way there, and even stopped to smell lots of flowers.

So what could have been a bad day all day turned into a good day once I stopped the inner dialogue of; “we have to hurry, why are they stopping for everything”, “we are going to miss the bus if they don’t hurry up”, “if they had only walked like usual we would have made the bus”, etc. I knew that there was a chance we would miss the first bus and was positive we would miss the second one. For some reason in my mind I focused on the fact that the more I pushed the kids to hurry the slower they got as why we missed not one but both bus’s.

Even as I was getting upset with them I knew it was not their fault. Yes my one kid was being difficult, but when is she not? We missed the first bus because we were running late, sure we still should have been able to catch it but she wanted to walk slower today. Who knows why? Still not a big deal, we can always catch the second bus. It has happened before and will happen again. We usually talk or play as we wait. Today it was my fault that we had to go back home and missed the second bus. There was no point in getting stressed out at my kids; I was the one who caused us to miss both buses.

It is easy to let stress take over at times and get upset about the wrong things. The difficulty is recognizing that it is just the internal dialogue causing the stress and that it is not your kids. Sure they may not be doing what you want them to but it is what we are telling ourselves that gets us stressed out. We forget that there are always options, like rescheduling an appointment or even changing plans. Life is never smooth, even the best-laid plans can go haywire even when your kids are being perfect.

I had let the stress win for a few minutes, then recognized was an A** I was being. I was able to refocus and get on with my day. I won this time, and so did my kids. Things go much easer when “stress” is the enemy and you deal with the stress.

No filter on mouth, asset or hindrance?

Over the years I have learned that I have no filter on my mouth. This means I say what I am thinking, good or bad. I don’t play politics, office or otherwise. I have found this to be harmful in work situations and people can find me difficult to be friends with. I don’t seem be able to identify boundaries and keep them. This is something I am working on as I see it as a hindrance. So imagine my surprise when I went for coffee with some ladies I met at a self-esteem group and they both said they envy me because I don’t have a filter on my mouth.

They both felt that they compromised all the time, and would say what ever would make someone else happy. This was a big problem for both of them. They could never be themselves and were both very unhappy with this. They wanted to be able to say what they were thinking. Too have the confidence to be themselves and not always be playing the politics game. It was a very different viewpoint from mine. I never thought that people would admire my bluntness and openness.

There really is no point to not be honest with yourself and others. If I am having a problems what is the point of hiding it if I am looking for help. If I cannot admit to the people I am turning to for help what the real issues are how can they help me? If some one asks me to help them then they expect real answers from me, not ones that will make them feel better or what they want to hear. People who turn to me for help know I am going to be brutally blunt and honest for good and bad. If you don’t want the truth don’t ask me. I am not afraid to talk about sex and sexuality and other sensitive topics such as parenting issues and anger and that intimidates and scares some people. But at the same time I do it in a non-judgemental way, so people feel comfortable to talk about anything with me. What I need to tone down is the over sharing of my personal life or feelings in a business situation. I may be having the conversation with the right person, but not the right environment. I need to learn how to fit in and not make others uncomfortable when I have to work with them. My solution is to be my own boss, and be myself. I am over opinionated, unashamed and blunt as a sledgehammer, but still caring and kind, just very honest with others and myself.

So what do you think would you rather be? Someone who blurts things out at inappropriate moments, blunt as all can be but is honest to themselves and others or to spend so much time trying to fit in and keep everyone happy that you loose yourself? I am so glad that they took the time to let me know how they feel because it let me see how blessed I am to not have a filter on my mouth, heart or soul.

Dealing with children’s disrupted routines

Most kids need routines; it gives them a feeling of control and security. They know what to expect and what is expected of them. Real problems can come when a routine is disrupted. A child can feel insecure, threatened or scared and will often act out when their routine is interrupted. Life happens and we the parents or caregivers cannot always meet our children’s needs for consistency and routine, all we can do is deal with the disruption or permanent changes and any reactions our kids have.

From personal experience I know that even a small change like bedtime being ½ hr later can have an impact on my children. For small routine changes it is best to try and keep as much of the routine the same. So bedtime may be a ½ hr later but we still do the same things in the same order. The time may have changed but nothing else has. This reassures kids that they still have some control and know what to expect. It is not always possible to keep a routine, even if it is just a matter of time.
When we are running late it is not always possible to follow the morning’s routine, sometimes compromises have to be made. It may be a matter of having breakfast on the way instead of sitting at the table, or not getting the time a kid needs to ease into transitions. All of this can through a kids day off and their behaviors. Their expectations have not been met and they are reacting to that. Also when we are late or rushing there is the added stress to everything. This is usually when our kids act out or break down, just when we need them not to. But then what can we expect, we are changing their routine and expect them to rush around with no transition time or anything, and we are probably stressed and they can hear it in our voices, of course they are going to be resistant to what we want. Not that being aware of why they are acting out makes it any easer as you try to get everyone out of the house and make it to your appointment or work on time.

Then there are things that just happen that we don’t have control of but can still disrupt our routines; the car breaking down, the power goes out, unexpected guest show up, or someone does not show up or is late. This is life. The best thing to do is to try and get back onto your kids schedule or routine as fast as possible. If one day you are unable to follow the usually routine the very next day you start right back on it, even if your kids resist. The sooner you can get your kids back into the routine the easer it is on everyone.

Change in a routine is the hard one, even when it is a good change. A parent or caregiver starts a job, or changes the time the go to work, or starts school can be very difficult for kids to adjust to. This is a permanent change that they will have to learn to live with. Eventually it will become part of their routine but we the parents and caregivers have to give the kids the time to adjust. We cannot expect them to accept a change right away, it can take weeks even months for some kids to adjust.

School starting in the next two weeks is going to be the big change in routines for most of us. It is going to take a few weeks for both kids and parents to get used to this. It can be a stressful time for everyone. The best thing to do is try and keep the new routine as close to the old routine as possible, and be there for your kids even if they don’t act out or express anxiety. They may be feeling it but are not showing it. Consistency is going to be the key to getting everyone to adjust to the new routine sooner then later and with as little stress as possible. Give yourself and your kids a lot of time in the morning to get used to getting ready for school. Do as much work, like making lunch and picking out clothing, the night before. Anything you can do to reduce the stress of change will help. You may want to start working on the new routine now so that it is not so new on the first day of school. Do some practice runs now to make sure your timing is right so there is not a lot of stress to get everyone moving and where they need to be the first week of school. This will give everyone some time to adjust their routine before hand so things go more smoothly the fist day of school.

Giving yourself and your children time to adjust to any change in routine is the key. There is usually resistance to change, which may cause your child to act out or just feel insecure for a bit. Every person, adult or child, deals with change differently. The only cure for this is for the change to become part of the routine, and only time and consistency can do that.

Labels on Children

I don’t like to place labels on children. Children grow up into the label they end up trying to fit into the label or find themselves unable to escape the label. I know that both my children have some issues. One has speech problems that he has been receiving help for since he was 2 ½ years old. He will always struggle with his speech. This is not something that he can hide; it is something people are just going to have to get used to. However we have already run into some problems. The daycare attached to the school he starts SK in a few weeks will not take him because he has a speech problem. Oh, they did not say it was because of that but once they found out that he has weekly speech therapy his paper work keeps going missing, other kids have been bumped in front of him and other little things keep happening, like they will not return our calls. It is funny because up until they found out about his speech problem I was told he would have a spot in Sept. if not sooner, now there is none available.

My daughter has been labeled as being a difficult child, and yet she is a wonderful three year old. This is a classification being placed on her by people in the childcare industry, professionals who decide what kids have medical or behavior issues. This label has taken about 4 months for her to get. She has been showing some very strong behavior issues since January of this year. We called for help in February and have been working with someone since then. She was referred to as a difficult child and we were sent to parenting classes to learn coping techniques and strategies to change her behaviors. It worked for about 3 months but now the behaviors are even worse. So we were referred to specialists at Mac Master children’s hospital and are enrolling the whole family into a program designed to help us.

The problem I am having is not that they are going to help us but now she is documented as a difficult child with behavior problems. What is this label going to do to her? Will she start thinking of herself as the problem child and behave “badly” because that is what her role is in our family, there for that is the behavior she thinks we expect from her? How are teachers going to see her and judge her before even meeting her if her file labels her as being difficult and having behavior problems? I don’t what the label to define who she is or can be. The label is not her, but how to make sure it does not become that way?

She may only need some extra attention or something and that might resolve the problems. That is what the program the family in enrolling into is going to help identify. Now she is only 3 so I figure some of it is going to be normal three-year-old behavior. I just don’t want this label to become a part of her record that her future teachers will see. I already know that a label on a file can taint a teacher’s perception toward a child. If you expect to have difficulty with a child then that is what you are going to find even if the child is not behaving any differently then the others around them, because that is what you are looking for.

It is very important to not let labels become your child. Teachers and other people with in the system need to be able to separate a child from the label, but that is not what happens. I am going to do everything I can to keep this label from becoming a part of her educational record to try and prevent people from being influence by the label. I have to accept the label for now because it is what is getting us the help we need. I am sure that the issue is not her but our family dynamics. There have been a lot of changes and stress the last few months and I know that it has had an impact on both kids. They just deal with it differently. I just want to get help now before it becomes a permanent behavior that is part of who she is. I think that is the key, identify a problem in behavior and then get help to find out what is causing the behavior and then make changes in the home and family to resolve it, not put a label on it that sticks with the kid for the rest of their lives.

Dinosaur prints in the sidewalk

Yesterday morning my three year old got all excited about finding dinosaur prints in the sidewalk. We had all sized of prints to find and follow on the way to pre-school. It was a lot of fun. She would talk about what dinosaur made what print. There were a lot of baby dinosaur prints and eventually she found a baby dinosaur that she took to pre-school. My five year old decided that he found dragon prints and a baby dragon to take to pre-school.

Now we did not actually find dinosaur prints, we found footprints of people and animals in the cement as well as tool and equipment markings, and chunks missing from the sidewalk. They were all dinosaur or dragon prints to my kids. We talked about how big each dinosaur or dragon was to make a print this big or this little. Sometimes there was a herd of little dinosaurs and other times there was just a few bigger prints.

I liked how creative they both were. It was funny when they both decided they found a baby and had to catch it and take it to pre-school with them. We talked about their babies the rest of the way to the pre-school. It was enjoyable looking for more dragon or dinosaur prints, talking about the babies they found and just having fun with my kids. When I picked them up from pre-school it seems the babies had left to go home sometime during the day and that we might find them again.

All of this came from my kids. I just went along for the ride. I gave them the freedom to run with their imagination by leaving our house early so there was no rush to get to the school. I listened to what they had to say, looked at what they pointed to and showed interest and enthusiasm in everything. I did not say, no that is not a dinosaur print it is a cats print or tool markings or just a hole in the sidewalk. I agreed that it must be a dinosaur print and let things go from there. It took little to no work on my part to show interest and to be part of it, the kids loved it and I thought it was great. It is interesting what kids come up with when we just let them be kids. I think the next time the walk to or from pre-school starts to become stressful I am going to find some dinosaur footprints of my own in the sidewalk.

What makes a good parent?

I am always hearing about good parent vs. bad parent but what does that actually mean. Does that mean you are a good or bad person? I think that people who are not so good can still be good parents and good people can also be bad parents. It all comes down to parenting skills and if they care about their kids or not. There are horrible people out there who are great parents, their children love them and feel safe, but I would never want to work with them or for them. There are other people who seem to be great in public but years latter we find out that these upstanding members of society were torturing their children. I think that most people try to do the best they can for their children. I struggle everyday to overcome my childhood, and learn better parenting then what I was shown as a child.

I have learned that to be a good parent you:

1) Have to care about yourself and your children. If you don’t care about yourself or your children it is very difficult to be a good parent with positive influences.

2) Listen to your children, hear what they want and need not what you think they should have. Your children are individuals and should be treated as such, not an extension of yourself.

3) Play with your children so that you have some positive experiences with your children to build on. This gives you time to enjoy your children, not being a parent, boss or supervisor but a play partner. Have fun with your kids well you can, they grow up quick.

4) Keep your temper no matter what, even if it means you have to take a time out or leave the room. Giving your child a time out is a way to let yourself cool down. Let someone else deal with an issue if possible when it becomes too much. This is a lot easer to say then do. Kids tend to not listen, jump, run and break things all the time. Also they are trying to become independent people who can think and do things for themselves, even when you are helping them they still want to do it their own way. Big rule here, no hitting.

5) Take care of the basic necessities like clothing, food, shelter, love first and if possible give the extras after everything else is taken care of. Showing that you love your child by spending money on something they want is great, but not if you don’t have enough money for food because you spent it on a treat. Not giving a child what they want does not mean you don’t love them or are not a good parent.

6) Follow through. If you tell your children you are going to do something or give them something then you need to follow through other wise your word means nothing. This is for both positive and negative. If you say you are going to take away their TV for a week then you need to do that. Same as if you tell them they can help with dinner, or pick dinner then you need to do that as well, even if you have had a busy day.

7) Show your children that you love them. Telling them “I love you” does not mean much if your actions show otherwise. Give them hugs, put their artwork on the wall or fridge, tell them how great they are, and spend time with them. Let them know you like being with them and having them as your children. Actions speak louder then words every time.

8) Remember that you chouse to be with your kids, not that you have to spend time with them. It is a difference of perception, if you chouse to do something you are more likely to enjoy doing it then if you think you have to do something.

9) You don’t always have to like your kids, just love them even when you are not happy with them.

10) If you do something wrong admit it, say sorry and work on not doing it again.

I am sure my list will grow as I grow as a parent. The problem I have is remembering this stuff as my kids run around the house screaming, fighting and not listening. It is a hard stressful job being a parent. If it was not my own kids you could not pay enough to do this job. Most of us would not pass the requirements if you had to pass a parenting test before we became parents, but somehow we do get through it and so do our kids.

Confessions of a Computer addict

Several months ago I discovered something about myself I don’t like. I have an addiction to my computer. I would spend most of my time on the computer. There was always something I was dong, looking at, and working on or needed to be done. Everything was “in a minute I have to finish this” or “Can it wait I am working?” Sometimes I would go all day not eating because I become too caught up in what I was doing or just did not feel I had the time to make or grab food, or I would eat at the computer, even dinner.

This was affecting my life more then I knew. My husband was never happy. He was always upset that I was on the computer yet again. My kids were acting out to get my attention. Even though I thought I was paying attention to them I was actually in the same room with them but always on the computer. My kids would be asking me to play with them and I would have them play on the computer desk so I could keep working as I played with them. That did not work very well. My family felt that I cared more about the computer then them.

After months of my family complaining I finally realized they were right. I had gone to the parenting class, the Incredible Years, to try and deal with two kids that were always acting out. One of the first things we had to do was identify wheat we did with our time, and how much time did we really spend playing with our kids. It was a real eye opener for me. I really did spend almost all my waken moments on the computer. No wonder my kids were acting out to get my attention. It was the only way to get me off the computer.

This had to change; it was not healthy for my family or me. I had to drastically cut back on the time I spent on the computer. Harder to do then I thought it would be. I told myself I did not have a problem and could walk away from the computer anytime. Not true. I work from home, on the computer and as everyone knows work is never done. Then there was all the socializing I did on line. I was multi-tasking like crazy to try and do everything in a day and never could and my family was paying the price for that. Family time was all of us in the living room, the kids playing or watching TV and me at the computer desk, working.

We moved our computer/office to the basement and made a rule that when the kids are home we stay out of the office and off the computer. It is still hard to do. You don’t know how much you depend on or use a computer everyday until you restrict your access to it. We are always checking emails, looking up information like phone numbers or doing price comparisons online. That is not including how much we use the computer for work. We are still on the computer more then we should be but things are better.

I wonder if there is a place computer addicts can go to for help? With my luck it would be an online website. This is not the same as trying to quit drinking or smoking. Computers are such a part of our lives and how we socialize now. I have to be able to work on a computer all the time and be able to stop and separate work time from family time. It would be easer if I did not work from home, but then I would still have a computer at home to tempt me.