Good by Anne McCaffrey, we will miss you

Anne McCaffrey died in her home Nov. 21, 2011. I am unexpectedly saddened by the death of a lovely lady I never met. Yet she touched my life in such a way that it should come to no surprise that started crying when I heard the news of her death. I am sure there are many others feeling the same way.


I read her books when I was young, and actually have never stopped. They were there for me when I needed to escape to a world where Dragons were real and bad things did happen, but the strong survived. Unicorns lived, talking ships and psychics and other people with unique powers all came to life in her books. They gave me a place to hide in when I needed it and an example of strength when I needed that. Maybe part of it is that her books are really the only connection my father and I had. We both loved her writing, and the only gifts he gave me I have treasured are hard covers of her work.

My favorite books were the Harper series. I have read them so many times the books are falling apart. There is just something about her writing that brings the books to life, make them seem real. It is too bad that she did not live long enough to see her books come to life in the movies. I look forward to seeing the first movie based on her Dragonriders in 2012. I hope the movie is as good as her books, and honors her writing.

She will be missed by many, even those of us who never met her, but enjoyed her writing.

The Final Inspection - A thought for Rememberance Day

I do not normally post emails sent to me, but this one got to me. Maybe it is because it is so close to Remembrance Day. It might be that my Grandfather was a soldier and my children’s Grandfather was one as well. My Grandfather died when my Father was just a child. My children got to meet their Grandfather only a short time before he passed. Remembrance Day was also his birthday. They miss him and Remembrance Day is very hard for them. I don't believe in war being the answer to anything, but I respect the soldiers who put their lives on the line, and often their lives for us.

A poppy is a small thing to wear to show respect for those who have died, and those who did not. Yet respect has been earned and I for one wear my poppy with pride, mixed in with more than a little sadness.

THE FINAL INSPECTION

The soldier stood and faced God,

Which must always come to pass.

He hoped his shoes were shining,

Just as brightly as his brass.

'Step forward now, you soldier,

How shall I deal with you ?

Have you always turned the other cheek ?

To My Church have you been true?'

The soldier squared his shoulders and said,

'No, Lord, I guess I ain't.

Because those of us who carry guns,

Can't always be a saint.

I've had to work most Sundays,

And at times my talk was tough.

And sometimes I've been violent,

Because the world is awfully rough.

But, I never took a penny,

That wasn't mine to keep...

Though I worked a lot of overtime,

When the bills got just too steep.

And I never passed a cry for help,

Though at times I shook with fear.

And sometimes, God, forgive me,

I've wept unmanly tears.

I know I don't deserve a place,

Among the people here.

They never wanted me around,

Except to calm their fears.

If you've a place for me here, Lord,

It needn't be so grand.

I never expected or had too much,

But if you don't, I'll understand.

There was a silence all around the throne,

Where the saints had often trod.

As the soldier waited quietly,

For the judgment of his God.

'Step forward now, you soldier,

You've borne your burdens well.

Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,

You've done your time in Hell.'

Author Unknown~

Thinking of all the Canadian American and British Soldiers

It's the Military, not the reporter who has given us the freedom of the press. It's the Military, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech. It's the Military, not the politicians that ensures our right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag.

If you care to offer the smallest token of recognition and appreciation for the military, please pass this on and pray for our men and women who have served and are currently serving our country and pray for those who have given the ultimate sacrifice for freedom.

9/11 the aftershock still going 10 years later

I knew that the 10th year anniversary would bring back memories and sadness over the senseless loss of so many lives. I did not expect it to affect me so strongly. I did not lose anyone, and I have no personal connection to the tragic event. Yet I started crying within moments of turning on the TV to watch the memorial.

I remember driving my car on the way to work, stuck in traffic, when the news about the first plane crash was announced. I did not care about being late or anything at that point. I was just shocked. When I got into work no one was working. People were on the phones calling friends and family, checking emails, listening online or to radios. A few had access to TV’s. The news took over the day. I think we may have even been sent home early that day. It’s is all just a blur. No one got work done that day.

The lady who worked beside me was hit the hardest in our area. Her husband was at a conference in the States with an insurance company. That company had their offices in the Twin Towers. Fortunately the conference was in another location. Unfortunately only the big wigs from the company were at the conference. They had an entire floor, above where the plane hit. My understanding is that everyone at work that day died. People her husband knew, worked with, talked with were just gone. It was hard on him, and her. They were on the phone a lot that day, even though it was long distance and she was at work. They were scared. He was stuck in the US, with people flying planes into buildings, who know what else was going to happen.

Even though I live in Canada 9/11 changed my life. That day I called my long distance boyfriend and said let’s move in together. I was scared, and who knew what was going to happen. He moved from one end of Canada, BC, to Ontario within 10 days. We have been together ever since, and have two wonderful children. I don’t think that would have ever happened if 9/11 hadn’t. I always said I would never get married or have kids. 9/11 changed that for me.

I think the hardest part of the 10th year anniversary of 9/11 was explaining it to my children. I cried as I told them about how police and rescue workers went into the buildings to rescue anyone they could, knowing they may not come back out. That took courage. I explained how many of the police and rescue workers died that day. It was hard for them to understand the whole thing. Why would someone fly a plane into a building? Why did they want to kill people?

We had to turn the TV off and just have some family time. We did not turn it back on until the kids went to bed. The horrible images were just too much to put them through. One day they will be old enough to learn more about it, but not with Mommy crying as she tries to explain it. 9/11 is a life changer. I don’t want my kids to lose what innocents they have, the trust that all is good in the world and nothing bad is going to happen. That will happen soon enough as they got older.

Even now I feel sad, and cry when I think of all the lives changed in a bad way that day ten years ago.

I like remembering a couple of stories about that day, small simple miracles in a way. One person was running late but stopped for a coffee anyway. Another person called in sick. One person missed the bus/subway. These small things saved their lives. There are many stories like this, but not enough, not nearly enough.

May the people who died that day, and later from the chemicals in the air, may they have peace!

For the people who did this, may you wake up one day and understand that this was wrong! I tell my kids all the time, temper tantrums don’t get you what you want, no matter how big of one you throw. To me 9/11 was just another type of temper tantrum. Someone did not get their way so they did what they could to destroy lives. You know what, they still did not get their way!

Cleaning Crew Cleans Out Valuables

A Father dies and the vultures move in and not all of them are family. My Father in law went to one of his sons homes and died in his sleep. When my Father in law died someone went into his home and stole all his military medals, right off of his dress uniform.

The only people with keys was a brother who was out of town and only just made it back in time for the funeral, the son who’s home he died in and the cleaning crew. The only people who had the opportunity to take the metals were the cleaning crew. They found out about the death and took what they could find that was easy to sell. The family knows other things are gone, like all the cash in the house, but only know for sure about the medals. Who knows what all they took. My father in law used to stash things through the house for safe keeping.

The lady who inherited everything is going after the cleaning company. All she cares about is getting the medals back. Sure they are incredibly valuable and most likely have already been sold but she wants them back because they very important to my father in law. I am sure the theft of the small things would never have been noticed with all the confusion. Taking the medals off of his dress uniform was going way too far. Again a case of those brought in to help someone helping themselves. I hope the lady is able to get the medals back. However, they probably were sold within 24 hours.

Trying to explain death to a four year old

Mom, when Grandpa died did he forget our phone number? Why can’t you call him? Did you forget his phone number? All you have to do is fined his phone number and we can talk to him. Why don’t you look for his phone number? If Grandpa forgot our phone number why can’t he write us? Is Daddy bringing Grandpa home with him? When can we see him again?

For a week know I have been trying to explain that Grandpa is gone. That there will not be anymore phone calls. My kids just don’t get it. Today I started balling as they tried to figure out why Grandpa cannot just pick up the phone and call them.

My son, trying to be helpful explained to his little sister that Grandpa did not want to die. But he does not really get it himself. He is the one asking if Grandpa forgot our phone number when he died. He also asked if people forget everything when they die. As if it was a video game where a person can die and come back and start all over again, or at the last level. Death is not an easy concept. He has this idea that Grandpa is going to be coming back.

My daughter has no idea. She thinks he is mad and does not want to talk to us. I keep explaining that Grandpa loved them but that he is no longer here. He has passed on. I keep thinking they get it but then comes another question. When can they talk to Grandpa?

I think it is time for me to go to the library and find some children stories about death and dying so that it can be explained to them in concepts they understand. Not that I expect to find children’s books about death and dying. That is something we try to protect our kids from, not expose them to it in stories.

The last laugh is on us

My father in law never updated his will. He though he had. He told everyone he had. He even told people what he wanted and who got what. I guess it was all the painkillers talking. In three years of having terminal Cancer he never wrote a new will. The old one is almost thirty years old. It does not include his children. It gives everything to his then girlfriend. Someone he has not seen in decades.

All the promises, plans, expectations and infighting were for nothing because he never changed his will. I feel really bad for everyone involved. Their Dad told them he was splitting everything evenly for his three boys. Now they get nothing, zero, zip. What a slap in the face. All the insurances he said he had, he did not. So now there are huge outstanding bills and fees to pay.

There is a lesson here. Update your will as your life changes.

My Father-in-law passed away today

My Father-in-law passed away today. It was not unexpected. But that does not mean we were ready. He had managed to surprise us over and over again, beating the expectations of the doctors. Surviving with cancer far longer than expected. My children are going to miss him and they don’t even know it yet. He lived half way around the country. We did not get to see him very often, but we tried to talk with him as much as possible. I don’t think they will understand why they suddenly will not even have that contact with him. It is something I will have to deal with as my husband will be leaving to attend the funeral and deal with his family.

I am crying, not for my Father-in-law, but for my children and husband who are now dealing with a tremendous loss. I am sure for my Father-in-law is in a better place. He had suffered enough. He had already let his wishes known. He had a do not revive request. He wanted to live but the quality of his life was not what he wanted. The pain was too much. My children have now lost the only Grandparent that has been a part of their lives. I do not wish to burden their young lives with his death. We will deal with it later in our own way. I feel sorry for my children because they will not have a Grandfather who loves them anymore.

My husband is dealing with anger and frustration from dealing with his family. His Father died today and most of the family only care about will they get out of it. My husband was asked to call his mother. Someone he has only spoken to a few times in the last 25 years. Like maybe three or four times in those 25 years. Her first concern was not that her ex-husband was dead and that her children were grieving the loss of their father. She wanted to know if anyone knew what was in the will. That was it.


I know this is going to be hard on my husband. His father was the only real family he had. He is already overwhelmed by the demands of dealing with his family. It is only going to get worse as he has to deal with more issues. As it is he and his brother already have to fight some of the family to make sure their Fathers wishes are followed. It is going to be harder on him when it finally sinks in that his Father is gone. There will no longer be any phone calls or way too many Christmas presents for the kids from Grandpa. That and more is all gone now. There will never be another gift under the tree from Grandpa again showing that he loves and cares about his Grandchildren and son. I think that is what I am going to miss the most, not the gifts but the demonstrations of love and affection given to my children and husband.

He was a good and kind man to my family and we will miss him. May he sleep in peace.

Cancer, You don’t have to have it to be affected by it

I don’t have cancer but cancer has always been a part of my life. My Grandfather died of cancer when my Father was a young man. My Grandmother died of cancer when I was in my early twenties; she was only in her sixties. She was soon followed by my Father. He never made it to 40. That is how old I am now.

All my father’s side died young, and from cancer. My mother has had skin cancer and my step father prostate cancer. When my father died I was left numb. I did not feel any grief until a friend and co-work, who at 36 died of breast cancer. Now one of my clients, who I like very much, is under a breast cancer scare. She does not know yet, and is waiting on the test results.



Myself I have had two breast cancer scares, once in my twenties and another last year. My father in law was diagnosed with terminal cancer three years ago. So far he has beaten the odds. We are not expecting that to last much longer. My husband’s grandmother passed, and his father seems to be following her. He was hospitalized last week and no one expects him to leave this time. Though, he has surprised us all several times already. There is always hope.

I worry about my children. They come from two family affected by cancer. What hope do I have that they will not be reached by cancer? It has already taken so much away from them in terms of family alone. I hope it never actually gets hold of them, me or my husband. At times I comfort myself with the thought that they all died because they smoked. However that does not guaranty that they got cancer because they smoked. I don’t smoke and I am trying to condition my children so that they will not smoke.


Until tonight I never realized how much cancer has affected my life and how much it is a part of my life.

Death and Family, Strange mix

Death affects people differently. Sometimes peoples true selves show up. Other times people don’t act at all like themselves at all. Those seen weak may be the ones that are strong and those seen as strong may be the ones who are weak. A death my pull a family together or rip it apart.

When my father died I did not even tell people at work. It was not a big deal to me. Even years later, I don’t feel much about it. I feel some anger and sadness but there was no real connection or loss. He was the last of that side of the family.

When my Grandmother died, well that was a completely different story. I still have anger that I did not get to attend her memorial service. My father was in charge of it and simply did not tell anyone about it. He took my Grandmothers ashes and dumped them in a rose garden. I don’t even know where. My Grandmother is someone I miss even 12 years after her death. I think about her often, and tell my children about her. She is truly missed.

My husband’s Grandmother died a week ago. He flew out for a week to attend her viewing, funeral and burial. He had not seen anyone in his family for almost 20 years. Strangely enough her death pulled the family together. They came from all over Canada to say good-by. There was over 200 family members directly related to her. She was their Mother, Grandmother or Great Grandmother. People who had not spoken to each other in decades mourned her together. It will be interesting to see if the closeness brought on by her death can survive beyond her loss.

Would you parent differently if you knew you were dying?

It is a hard question, one most of us don't want to think about. But how would knowing that you are dying change how you live and parent. I would like to think that I would not be different, but I know that I would try to make the most out of every moment I had. It would change how I parent and just how I live my life. Would it change yours? How would you handle dying and being a parent?

I don't want to ever be in the position of knowing that I was dying, but at the same time at least if you know death is coming it gives you the chance to say goodbye, tell people what you think and feel. A chance to fix things and enjoy what is left of your life with those you love. It gives you the chance to do things you always wanted to but just never had the time. It gives you the time to try and create lasting memories for your friends and family to cherish after you are gone.

There is one Mother who is dying and willing to talk about it. She has a blog called the diary of a dying mom. It is well written and interesting just on its own. She has a story that is worth reading and thinking about. Though some days it just rips my hart out knowing what she is going through, hoping that she has enough time to give enough happy memories to her children before she dies. What reflections would you have? Would they be good ones or not? If not then maybe it is time to start creating positive memories even if you are not dying. It is a sad life if you don't have any good memories. I think that when I am angry or frustrated with my kids and just life in general it will do me some good to read her blog and get things back into perspective.

It has been said many times over in many different words but it comes down to "Live your life as if it is the last day you have on this earth."

Dealing with death and young children

When someone close to your family dies you have a lot to deal with. First you have your own grief. At the same time you need to be aware of how the death is affecting your child or children. How do you explain death to them? Do you let them say goodbye? Do you take them to the viewing and or funeral or keep them away from it all? It all depends on the child.

In the last year I know several families all dealing the deaths. They all handled it differently. Several different scenarios occurred, all with upsides and downsides.

1) Grandma died. It was explained to the children that Grandma was in heaven. They decided not to take their kids to the funeral or the viewing. The little girl keeps asking when Grandma is coming back from heaven. The little boy is angry because he did not get to say goodbye to Grandma like everyone else. Looking back the family thinks that they should have taken the kids to the funeral and possibly to viewing so that they could see that Grandma was dead and say goodbye.

2) An uncle died. The three boys want to go to the funeral and say goodbye. They did not get to say goodbye when other family members had passed on and they are upset about it. Mom is concerned about dealing with inappropriate behavior at the funeral. That they are going to be asking a lot of questions and are not going to be quiet and respectful. She is expecting to be embarrassed because her boys are disruptive of others morning. She would like to keep them home in respect for others at the funeral. It is a conflict because she also knows her boys don’t just want to say goodbye, they need to. They have had a real time understanding that other family members are dead, they never saw the body, and did not get to say goodbye. The older boy is actually angry that he did not get to see and say goodbye to Grandpa when he died a year ago. He needs some type of closure, and talking to him about it is just not enough. At this point she is planning to take them to the funeral because her boys need this and other people will just have to understand that they are children dealing with a loss as well.

3) Grandpa died. The boy wants to go to the viewing and say goodbye, the girl does not want to see the body. He wants to go to the funeral she does not. The single Mom had to decide what to do, leave one home with a babysitter, make both stay or both go. She decided to take the boy to the viewing, and both to the funeral to say goodbye. She felt it gave both kids closure and that if the girl had not gone she would have regretted it latter. Both kids had questions about death and the funeral, all of which the Mom tried to deal with before they got to the funeral. She decided to talk the kids through the funeral before they went. She told them what to expect, what people would be doing and what was expected of them. This helped out a lot. It took away the girls fear, and answered the boy’s questions. It gave them time to be comfortable with the funeral. There were a lot of what happens when you die, and why do people die questions. The pre talk actually helped a lot, and started to give the kids closure even before they went to the funeral. It was very hard on the Mom.

As much as we would like to protect our children from the reality of death, it seems that they need closure as much as we do. In our own grief it can be hard to see that. We don’t want to have to deal with it, and think our children will be unable to deal with it. That dealing with death will harm them somehow. We think that we are protecting them by keeping them away from viewings or funerals.

Yet we already know that kids need to say goodbye just as much as we do. Look what happens when a pet dies. Often we will have some goodbye ceremony, a funeral (if possible) and some type of morning. If this is what we need to do for a pet then we need to do the same when it is a person. It is a type of closure. Many children are unable to accept that someone has died until they see the body, or the funeral.

That does not mean it is going to be easy. I heard quite a few horror stories of kids being scared of the body and having nightmares for weeks. Another kid kept asking when Grandma was going to jump out of the box and yell surprise. She was quite upset when they actually buried the casket because Grandma was in there. How was she going to get out? Another kid yelled boo and wake up at the body and tried to poke it. Grandpa was just sleeping and he was trying to wake him up. It is all very stressful for everyone involved. You cannot give into your grief because you have to deal with your kids and that just makes it even harder on you.

So in one way it may be easer on us the parents to leave the kids at home. However, it seems not going to the funeral is more stressful for the kids and possibly more stressful for the parents in the long run. It is all going to comedown to what you the parent thinks is going to be best for your child.