Alphabet list for a better life

A is for attitude, a positive one.  Be positive, positive things will happen because you make them happen.  You will notice more positive things if you look for them, you may miss them if you don’t look for the positive.

B is for believing in yourself and others; like your loved ones.

C is for caring for yourself and others.

D is for doing, actually doing stuff, not talking about it, watching it on TV or thinking about it but actually turning off the computer and doing something.

E is for exercise, even though I hate it, I know I have to exercise.  Be active, get up and get the body moving.

F is for family and friends, and fun.  Fun is important, but so are family and friends.

G is for good, good food, good fun, good friends, good day, good well everything.

H is for happy.  Find something to be happy about every day, or better yet every hour.  Don’t wait for others to make you happy, or things to happen that make you happy.  Instead find your own happiness, and then share it to make others happy.

I is for individual.  Be yourself.  Don’t conform to others expectations, or become just like everyone else just to fit in.  Instead be yourself, be an individual, and encourage others to be themselves as well.  It is more fun being you than trying to be someone else just to make others happy.

J is for Joy.  Create joy where ever you go, find something to be joyful about every place you go.  Joy does not just happen, you have to help it happen, look for it and you will find it, even if it is just the joy found in a smile.

K is for kiss.  All kisses.  The ones you share as couples, the ones you give your children when they have a boo boo or are going to bed.  Kisses are about love, kindness and caring.

L is for loving life.  Don’t just live your life, love the life you have.  If you don’t love your life, than make changes until you do.  Don’t expect others to change for you, instead make the changes you need, that make your life better.  Let others make the changes they need to love their life.

M is for making, such as making the best of things.  Making things happen instead of waiting for others to make things happen.  Making as in creating things, like a good meal, a garden or a card that makes you happy.

N is for noticing.  Noticing all the good things in your life, not all the negative.  Some days it is more difficult than others, but you need to put the effort into noticing good things.

O is for organization.  It is hard to be happy, or find time to be happy if you are always fixing things, or busy.  Being organized lets you find ways to make time for yourself and find happiness.

P is for persistence.  You have to stick to things, be persistent.  Be persistent to be happy, to meet your goals.  Change does not happen if you give up when things get difficult, so persistence is important.

Q is for quality, not quantity.  It is better to have quality in life instead of a lot of things.  More does not mean better.

R is for relaxing.  Always take some time to relax.

S is for staying true to yourself.  This has to be one of the hardest things, staying true to yourself.  We are taught as children to fit in, to make other people happy.  It can be very difficult to stand up and say no, to stray true to who you are, not change for others.

T is for truth.  Be truthful to yourself.  Don’t lie to yourself or others to make people happy, or avoid conflict.  Be honest with yourself, what you like, don’t like, and need in your life.  If you are not honest or truthful to yourself how can you find happiness.  If you are not truthful to others how can they make you happy? 

U is for unique.  Be unique, don’t try to hid or change who you are.  There is only one of you, so embrace your uniqueness.

V is for validation and value.  Value yourself.  Give yourself validation, don’t look to others to validate or value you.  Also if you don’t value yourself why should anyone else.  If you want people to value you than you need to value yourself!

W is for willingness.  Willingness to find happiness, and joy in your life.  Willingness to accept yourself, embrace who you are and change the things you don’t like.  Willingness to work hard and go after the things you want in life.  Willingness to let go of things that harm your life and to find out what makes your life better.  Willingness to be you, and accept that you can be happy.

X is for Xenodochial, which is a big word meaning to be friendly to strangers.  So be nice to the people you know and don’t know.

Y is for you.  You need to put yourself first.  Take care of you, do things that create a better life for you (and your children).

Z is for zest.  Have a zest for life, enjoy and embrace, live.

The last laugh is on us

My father in law never updated his will. He though he had. He told everyone he had. He even told people what he wanted and who got what. I guess it was all the painkillers talking. In three years of having terminal Cancer he never wrote a new will. The old one is almost thirty years old. It does not include his children. It gives everything to his then girlfriend. Someone he has not seen in decades.

All the promises, plans, expectations and infighting were for nothing because he never changed his will. I feel really bad for everyone involved. Their Dad told them he was splitting everything evenly for his three boys. Now they get nothing, zero, zip. What a slap in the face. All the insurances he said he had, he did not. So now there are huge outstanding bills and fees to pay.

There is a lesson here. Update your will as your life changes.

Define failure

Over the years I have come to realize that our fear of failure has more control over our actions then our drive to succeed. Most of us will go out of our way to not fail. Many will put more effort in avoiding what they perceive as failure then they put into trying to become successful. Our fears are a great motivator. I know that I will go to almost any lengths to avoid what I see as failure, which is also my greatest fear.

My idea of failure has changed over the years. First it was giving in, not surviving, letting my family destroy me, letting them win or being what they expected of me – their idea of a failure. I succeeded in not being a failure; I lived and believed in myself. Then it became a fear of loosing my job, being unable to provide for myself, still connected to my earlier idea of failure. Now my idea of failure is being homeless or not being able to provide for my children or keeping them safe. Again tying into my childhood, but not an unreasonable definition of failure. I am lucky in that I have not found myself in that type of situation, and hope I never do. I don’t know what I am capable of doing to avoid that situation; I do know I would do almost anything to not let that happen. Something like Katrina and its results of being homeless and without a way to provide for my children or keep them safe would be my greatest fear.

My Mother’s idea of failure was to be unable to keep a man, or to be with out a man in her life. My mother remained married to a man who was a drunk, drug user, rapist, and wife beater who tried to kill her, and me, many times over many years. One day I asked her why. She said, “If the marriage failed she was a failure”. She defined failure as being unable to keep a husband. It did not mater that we went without a lot of things, were poor, living in a trailer without water or electricity or that her husband beat her and life was bad as long as she had a man in her life she was good. It was strange to see someone accept all the pain and suffering for herself and child just to keep her husband because to loose him was to fail. And yet for me she was a failure because she did not protect nor provide for her child, whatever man that was in her life was always more important.

I know people who feel they are a failure if they don’t have the big paying job with a great title and the corner office and are willing to sacrifice everything and everyone to get there. Others think they have to be married and have kids before they are 30 or they have somehow failed. I don’t find these to be realistic definitions of success or failure, but then they are not mine. I know more people who define failure as not being there for their children, being unable to pay rent or put food on the table, or letting someone beat or control them. To me this is a realistic definition of failure.

As everyone has his or her own idea of success we also have our own concept of failure. This defines us as much as our concept of success. We are doing ok as long as this does not happen. Where is your line drawn for failure? What in your mind is the one thing that would make you a failure? Is it rational or realistic? I ask this because some people believe that everything is fine as long as this does not happen or they have not crossed a line but the reality is that they are in need of help, are on a downward spiral and should not be waiting until the worse happens before dealing with it.

People like my Mother who though what ever the man in her life was doing was ok as long as he stayed with her, even if he did not care for her, respect her or even want her alive anymore, or tried to kill her child. I see it in others all the time. This idea that as long as some pre-defined occurrence does not happen life is good no mater what is actually happening. It is like the drug addict who say’s as long as I am only popping pills and not using a needle I am in control, or the overweight person who is ok as long as they don’t reach 300 lbs, or the gambler who has not lost the house yet. . All Hell could be breaking loose in their lives but as long as “This” does not happen everything is OK.

Now most of us are not that bad, but we do need to understand what motivates us. Is it the desire to succeed or the fear of failing? I think that both can be a positive force in our lives if we have realistic drives or fears. What we see as success is not always what we see as failure. The idea of success is to make sure something happens, to not fail is to make sure something does not happen. The other questions we really need to be asking are, “If we do not succeed with our idea of success does that make us a failure?” “Or is it that if we can prevent what we perceive as failure from happening we are successful?” “Is success the same thing as not failing?” “Can we succeed in one area and fail in another?” “Are our definition of success the same as failure?” “Are our definitions of success or failure ours or what we have been taught to believe by others?” Most important, “Is our definition of success or failure realistic?”

Somewhere along the way I lost my name!

I know I had one. I remember as a child hearing it being called over and over again by frustrated adults. I remember having to respond to it in school and later it was found on things like report cards, drivers license and paychecks. I knew who I was. My name was my identity. What I did in life, what my role in life changed but my name was always with me.

Then one day I stopped being me. I became Mom, Mother, Mommy, Momma, and so and so’s Mom. Even my husband calls me Mom in front of the kids, the same as I refer to him as Dad, to avoid confusing our children. Other parents don’t know my name, nor I theirs. But as we pass each other from dropping our kids off to school or preschool our children identify us as “that is ______ Mom.” I find myself responding to children as they say, “ Hi *****”s Mom.” When I call the preschool or school I use my name but still have to identify myself as, “I am ****’s Mom”, before they know me.

My identity lost is lost not in a role, not a job or title but a state of being. I don’t always enjoy being a mother but I would not change it for anything. I used to say that what I did, what job I had did not define me, that it was just what I did. Being a parent is part of me, not something I do but an actual change of who I am. Did I think becoming a parent would change me, no, but it did. I identify myself as being a Mom. I am still a business owner, accountant, wife and a strong individual but somehow those are just part of who I am overshadowed by my role of Mom. I don’t think that is going to change. Hopefully I will always be Mom, because as long as my children are alive I will be Mom. One day if I am lucky I will become Grandmother and even Great Grandmother.

Would you parent differently if you knew you were dying?

It is a hard question, one most of us don't want to think about. But how would knowing that you are dying change how you live and parent. I would like to think that I would not be different, but I know that I would try to make the most out of every moment I had. It would change how I parent and just how I live my life. Would it change yours? How would you handle dying and being a parent?

I don't want to ever be in the position of knowing that I was dying, but at the same time at least if you know death is coming it gives you the chance to say goodbye, tell people what you think and feel. A chance to fix things and enjoy what is left of your life with those you love. It gives you the chance to do things you always wanted to but just never had the time. It gives you the time to try and create lasting memories for your friends and family to cherish after you are gone.

There is one Mother who is dying and willing to talk about it. She has a blog called the diary of a dying mom. It is well written and interesting just on its own. She has a story that is worth reading and thinking about. Though some days it just rips my hart out knowing what she is going through, hoping that she has enough time to give enough happy memories to her children before she dies. What reflections would you have? Would they be good ones or not? If not then maybe it is time to start creating positive memories even if you are not dying. It is a sad life if you don't have any good memories. I think that when I am angry or frustrated with my kids and just life in general it will do me some good to read her blog and get things back into perspective.

It has been said many times over in many different words but it comes down to "Live your life as if it is the last day you have on this earth."

No filter on mouth, asset or hindrance?

Over the years I have learned that I have no filter on my mouth. This means I say what I am thinking, good or bad. I don’t play politics, office or otherwise. I have found this to be harmful in work situations and people can find me difficult to be friends with. I don’t seem be able to identify boundaries and keep them. This is something I am working on as I see it as a hindrance. So imagine my surprise when I went for coffee with some ladies I met at a self-esteem group and they both said they envy me because I don’t have a filter on my mouth.

They both felt that they compromised all the time, and would say what ever would make someone else happy. This was a big problem for both of them. They could never be themselves and were both very unhappy with this. They wanted to be able to say what they were thinking. Too have the confidence to be themselves and not always be playing the politics game. It was a very different viewpoint from mine. I never thought that people would admire my bluntness and openness.

There really is no point to not be honest with yourself and others. If I am having a problems what is the point of hiding it if I am looking for help. If I cannot admit to the people I am turning to for help what the real issues are how can they help me? If some one asks me to help them then they expect real answers from me, not ones that will make them feel better or what they want to hear. People who turn to me for help know I am going to be brutally blunt and honest for good and bad. If you don’t want the truth don’t ask me. I am not afraid to talk about sex and sexuality and other sensitive topics such as parenting issues and anger and that intimidates and scares some people. But at the same time I do it in a non-judgemental way, so people feel comfortable to talk about anything with me. What I need to tone down is the over sharing of my personal life or feelings in a business situation. I may be having the conversation with the right person, but not the right environment. I need to learn how to fit in and not make others uncomfortable when I have to work with them. My solution is to be my own boss, and be myself. I am over opinionated, unashamed and blunt as a sledgehammer, but still caring and kind, just very honest with others and myself.

So what do you think would you rather be? Someone who blurts things out at inappropriate moments, blunt as all can be but is honest to themselves and others or to spend so much time trying to fit in and keep everyone happy that you loose yourself? I am so glad that they took the time to let me know how they feel because it let me see how blessed I am to not have a filter on my mouth, heart or soul.

You would never endanger your kids but it is ok to put yourself at risk

Adults expect children to do things to keep them safe, but don’t do those same things themselves. Who pays the price? There is this commercial done by the Canadian Red Cross that had me crying and trying to not throw up. It was that hard to watch, even now I feel ill thinking about it. Why, because it showed the truth. It shows this scene with two little kids in a rowboat, with life jackets on. The kids are sitting together holding each other. They have these unbelievable looks on their faces. There is a voice talking about how you would never endanger your children by letting them go out in a boat with out a life jacket on. Then it starts pulling out and you can see that there is no one in the boat with the kids. The voice then starts talking about how if you make your kids put them on why don’t you. I don’t remember the exact words because this horror started to fill me as I started to understand what was going on. The last scene you see is of two little defenceless children to small to row a boat or know what to do sitting in a boat in the middle of a large area of water. The scene ends just as you start to see their father floating face down just out of reach of the boat. What makes me sad is that even after seeing this commercial there are going to be people going out without their life jackets on and their kids get to see them die.

So you would never endanger your children but for some reason people think that they don’t have to keep themselves safe. You are not willing to do what you demand your children to do. I see it all the time. Parents with no life jackets on, or worse some times not on the little ones: even though it is against the law not to have them on. Then you see the same adults drinking as they relax out on the boat. That is always a bad mix. There are deaths related to drinking and boating every year, usually because the person did not put on their life jacket. There are always things we tell our kids not to do or to do to keep safe that adults just don’t seem to do. Bike helmets, why don’t people put them on? Are our heads harder then our children’s? I know that the watermelon demonstration is enough for me to put a helmet on and expect my kids to have theirs on. Seat belts, well it is the law but some people still don’t put them on. We usually find out when they are dead or in the hospital. It is ok to keep your kids safe, but at the same time to put yourself at risk so your not there for your kids. I just don’t understand this. I will not put myself at risk, I want to be a part of my kids lives not a memory.

So who is standing outside your door, and how safe are you?

Today I had to think about how smart I am when it comes to me knowing verses using safety tips. What made me question it? My kids were looking out the window saying that some one was banging on our door. I looked out the window and called for my husband to come up from the basement. Then I opened the door, why, the guy had a uniform on and looked official. I was thinking that there was another problem with the water pipes like last weekend. It turns out he was one of those pushy sales guys that go door to door for Union Energy. He would not leave until my husband came up and said no thank you. James then asked me why I had called him. “There was a strange guy at our door, of course I want you to come up just in case.”

Then I thought about it. If it was dark I would not have opened my door, I would have talked through the door until I knew what the guy wanted. I know better then to open the door, today I failed the test. I opened it because I saw the official looking uniform, though I did not know what or who the guy was. Safety 101 you don’t open your door to strangers until you identify them and what they want, and sometimes you still check with the company if they want into your home. We teach this to our children, but I the adult did not follow a simple guideline. Just because it looks like a cop, UPS, flower delivery or pizza delivery does not mean the uniform is not a rental. If you are not expecting someone delivering something then are they lost or something else?

One of the most common ways thieves are able to walk around a neighbourhood looking for a home to break into is to have some type of uniform on. This way people don’t even give them a second glance. They must be there for a reason. It makes it easy to go to a door and see if anyone is home. If someone sees them going around the house looking for way to get in, they are just looking for a meter, or some damage or something. Though most people will not even think about checking why they are there. It is a great way to case a house or even break in if the opportunity is there.

Then you have the wonderful knowledge that they don’t care if you are home or not, if you open the door bam you have a home invasion. Now I don’t live in a rich area, and we don’t have a lot so I don’t think we have to worry too much about someone doing a home invasion. But at the same time we do know that there is a building with drug dealers about four blocks away. A person on drugs, or in need of drugs is not thinking clearly and will be happy to get enough money for the next fix. So who is standing at your door?

I am not trying to scare people, just make them more aware of simple things to try to keep our selves safer. If someone is at your door and is planning to rob you, they are also planning to hurt you. Otherwise they would break in when you are not home. Now most home invasions are a crime of opportunity. If you open the door they are in, if not they move onto the next home or apartment. If you are the target they are going to get into your home even if you don’t open the door, but at least the door will slow them down a little. At that point in time robbery is probably not the main crime on their minds and all you can do is try to get yourself and your family away from them and hopefully you have a cell to call 911.

What made my brain start thinking about this, the guy walked past our window about ½ hr later. Then about 20 minutes later the police were out in the back looking around all the homes and seemed to be looking for clues. The timing just made me think about how stupid I had been for opening the door to a stranger, in uniform or not.

Setting boundaries for your children's free time

I have had to set boundaries for my children’s free time. If I did not use a timer when my son is on the computer he would be on it all day. I need to use a timer so that he knows when his time is up, he has no idea how much time passes when he is playing. Using the computer started as a way for him to learn and to help with his hand eye coordination. The next thing I know is that I have a four-year-old computer addict. He will give up just about anything for computer time. I use it as a treat or a reward, some thing to be earned not a right.

As my children get older I am going to have to make sure they have a balanced life. To do so I will have to put limits on computer and TV time and make sure they play outside with other kids. I have already decided that my children will not have a TV, computer or phone in their rooms. That will all be in the living room. That way I have more control over when they use them and what they use them for.

I will be enrolling them into after school and summer programs so that they socialize and do some type of activity. I, like any other parent, want to give my kids all the opportunities that I did not have. At this point it is open to what programs they will go into. I want to make sure it is some thing they like. I can only give them the opportunities to do things; I cannot make them participate. Swimming, baseball, gymnastics and dance all seem to be high on my son’s list right now, so we will try those first.

I know that my children are going to have great demands on their time when they start school. They will have less free time and will want to spend it doing what they love the most, be it computer games or playing sports. As an adult it is very easy for me to become caught up in a book, game or TV show, how can I expect my children to be any different? I need to give them boundaries, balance until they are able to create their own boundaries. At the same time I need to make sure I don’t limit them so much that they rebel and find other ways to get the TV or computer time they want.

I have some great ideas from talking with parents of older children. Now only time will tell how they will work on my kids. Homework must be done before I let them watch TV or play games. I need to give them a choice of games, computer ones, handheld ones, ones played on the TV and board games. I want the games to be ones that the family can all play, so there is some family time involved. Arts, crafts and music are all very important and I need to give them access to create or enjoy them. The best way is for me to do things with them, not just put some paper and pens on the table and tell them to keep busy. The one thing that seems to stand out the most, no matter what activities I expose my children to, is that I need to participate with them. My involvement as a parent is more important then the actual activity.

Teenager's reality - Would you like to ge a teenager again?

Would you like to be a teenager again? People today see teenager’s lives as being carefree and with out any real responsibilities. That is not reality. Today’s teenager does not live in the same world we their parents grew up in. Teenagers have huge demands on them, placed on them by others, for their time, energy and attention. Teenagers have as much if not more stress in their lives then adults. When we were in high school we would receive 2 to 3 hrs worth of homework. Today on average each teacher gives one hour of homework, which works out to be between 6 to 8 hrs of homework every night. That is like having two full time jobs. So not only do you have tons of work to do and not so much time, you have to do it well. You need to do well in school to be able to pass, apply for college or university, get scholarships.

Then you add employment into the mix. Most teenagers have jobs these days. It may be part-time or full-time but it is still a job, with every thing that goes along with it. Teenagers are not being treated as kids at work, they are employees and have the same expectations and responsibilities placed on them as any other employee. Just because it is in a fast food restaurant, or in a retail store does not mean that they are working any less then we do. They have the same stress and frustrations at their work as any one else. Being a teenager does not make it any easer to do the job, or make your self go to work. To be blunt, teenagers get some of the crummiest jobs because no one else will do them for the pay they get. Oh, and its not all fun and games with the paycheque either. Teenagers for the most part are not working so they can buy the $400.00 pair of shoes or go party with friends. They are working to pay for college, or university because they know that their parents cannot pay for it and it is not easy to get a scholarship. Or they have bills like car payments, insurance and some times rent, food and clothing. In some cases they are working to help out the family.

Now some kids are blessed with talent and can try to get scholarships. To do so they have to participate in extra curricular activities so they are well rounded. There is more demands on their time and energy, remember they have to compete for scholarships. If you are going for a sports, music, science, or any type of scholarship then you need to be putting the time into that area or activity. You have to be the best at what ever you do. How many hours a day do you have to put into being the best, be it as an individual or as part of a team. That is a lot of stress to put on some one.

Sound life a carefree life with out responsibilities yet? So we understand that teenagers are already under a lot of stress meeting the demands of school and work. Lets look at the expectations of parents and family responsibilities. We expect the teens to do well at school and get a job to pay for the things they want. What other expectations are we putting on our teens. They are expected be home at specific times, like meal and bed time. They are expected to get their homework done, and help around the home, baby sit their brothers and sisters. To take on some responsibilities at home like making dinner or cleaning up. They need to spend time with family, be it just Friday night movie night, or Grandmothers Birthday. They have to fit their schedule around the expectations of their parents and family. It is not like they do any thing but talk on the phone, play video games or hang out with their friends, right, that is what teens do. Why can’t they do what I want them to do when I want them to do it? The teen is just being a teen and is rebelling or just does not appreciate every thing I have done for them right. It could not be that they are tired or any thing like that. Right.

We think that all teens do is socializing with their friends. They always seem to be on the phone, talking or texting, or on the computer chatting, or out with their friends. The truth is that socializing and dating is a very important part of being a teenager. It is an important part of their development. They need to find some time to socialize. It is very hard to find the time with every thing else going on in their lives. So yes talking at school, the bus, on the phone, emails are ways to socialize that fit their high demand life style. You socialize wherever you can. Teens today have more demands on them then the average adult. They have teachers, employers, parents and their friends all demanding their time and attention. So your teen wants to relax with a few friends over, watch some TV, play a video game, let them. They need to distress even more then we do.

Still think it would be fun to be a teenager again? When you take a real look at the demands and expectations being placed on teens it is easy to see why they feel overwhelmed, burn out, give up or turn to drugs and alcohol to deal with it. As parents it is our job to make it easer on our kids. We need to understand the whole picture of what our teens are going through. Think about what you can do to help relieve some of the stress and demands on your kids now that you have an idea of what they are going through.