Tell Your Teen Girls Rape Happens

 

You don’t have to be a victim to be raped.  It is not true that only bad people are raped.  Being a good person does not keep anyone safe from predators.

A few years ago I wrote an article on Tips on talking to your teen girl about sex.  In the article I pointed out the need to tell young ladies, or teen girls that men and teen boys want to have sex with them.  Some will say and do whatever will get her to agree to have sex with them.  Some will use alcohol and drugs to lower her inhibitions to get her to be more willing to have sex with them.  There are also people who will simply rape them, with or without the use of drugs.  It is reality.  One person commented: “I think we should spend more time teaching our sons not to rape as opposed to teaching our daughters that they are victims.”

You don't have to be a victim or even look like a victim to be raped.  You just have to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, or come to the attention of the wrong person.  Rapists are called predators for a reason.  You don’t have to be a woman or girl to be raped or a man to be a rapist.  Anyone can be raped if the rapist puts the time and effort into it.  It is about power and control after all, not sex.  So telling your daughter that people out there want sex with her and some are willing to take away her choice is not making her a victim.  It is letting her know it is possible.  How can we expect our children to protect themselves to the best of their ability if they are unaware that this can happen, or think it only happens to bad people so it will not happen to them?

Rape is a reality and a real possibility.  We cannot put our heads in the sand and pretend it does not happen, or will not happen.  Telling little boys and teens that is wrong to rape is no different than telling them not to steal.   They need to know this, but that does not mean they will not choose to steal, or rape.  People make bad choices all the time, and some people feel they are entitled to whatever they want, including sex with someone even if that person is not interested. 

We need to make sure our children, male and female, know that rape is real.  There is nothing wrong with doing everything we can to prepare our children to live in the real world.  We need to make sure they know what they can do to try and protect themselves.  We don’t want them to be hurt or die in a car accident, so we tell them to not drink and drive.  So what is wrong with telling them not to take drinks from people they don’t know, don’t get so drunk you pass out or are unable to say no, or too drunk to care who they have sex with.  What is wrong with telling them not to hang out or walk down a dark alley if they don’t have to, walk in well light areas and travel in groups whenever possible.  It is important to avoid problems and learn to protect themselves if a problem does occur.  There are things people can do to deter a rapist, so it makes sense to tell our kids.  Also we need to accept that some rapists are not deterred no matter what someone does; they will find a way to do what they want.   As parents we have the opportunity to give our children the knowledge and tools to have the best out of life, or we can leave them unprepared and vulnerable to people who don’t care that your child deserves the best out of life, not the worst.

We also need to state that the rapist is responsible not the victim.  Being raped does not make someone a bad person, or valueless no matter what some people say.  Also no one deserves to be raped. 

Food for thought, Pedophiles that don’t get caught

I received a very disturbing comment today on my blog posting

Lady Talks a Lot: Pedophiles wives are victims. 

Anonymous said...


We are here, we will always be here and the longer and harder you fight....the stronger we become. We are law makers, we are law enforcement, we are the teachers in your schools, the ones who bag your groceries, the ones who service your AC units on hot days, the ones who drop off your mail, we work at Disney Land and none of us look alike. And the cold reality of it....not all Pedophiles are Sex offenders. Most of us never get caught.






Food for thought....



I think that it is true; most of them are not caught. Pedophiles work very hard at fitting in and hiding what they are and what they do. Anyone could be a pedophile. I know that there are several “poor” pedophiles in my area, ones that got caught and are registered as sex offenders. This comment just makes me wonder how many “good” (not caught) pedophiles there are in the same area.

I think that pedophiles pray on the weak and lonely. We need to make our children feel proud, loved and welcome so they can be strong. We need to be there for our children so they are not lonely. Our job is to let our children be children, not victims. We may not be able to find and stop pedophiles but we can try to make it more difficult for them to succeed.

Children need to be heard, believed and trusted. If a child said someone is hurting them or touching them we need listen. The real problem is that the person doing it may not be the person the child say’s is doing it. Many children are scared to tell the truth because they think the person will hurt them or people they love. Sometimes it is the very people who they should be protected by are the ones hurting them. As adults it is our responsibility to listen to the children, even if they are not our kids. Get the police involved, they are often able to get to the truth even when we cannot.

The real crime is that too many people turn a blind eye or deaf ear to those in need.

Big problem with a husband making passes at other family members, so what to do.

Someone recently came to me with a problem and wanted my advice on how to deal with it. To me it seems a simple and clear cut answer. But it is not my family or my problem so it is easy to see why things are happening, and what to do about it. It is much harder when you are caught up in the middle of a potentially explosive family situation that could pull a family apart, and actually is.

The question presented to me was:

I'm the oldest of 3 daughters. I recently told my sister that her husband had been making passes at me for months. It's not the first time he's done something inappropriate. He tried molesting my youngest sister when she was 14 years old. This man at the time was 28-29 yrs old. I broke the news to her a couple years later but she forgave him right away and we had to pretend that nothing happened. My parents didn't want to rock the boat and all I could do is forget about it. Now he is 40 and made passes at me on several occasions. I'm 34. I was waiting to tell my sister when the time was right. She and he were talking about divorce for other reasons a couple months ago and I thought I wouldn't have to say anything since she was going to leave him this time. So I thought. She forgave him again, and I thought that it's now or never. So I told her about the comments he had made and how uncomfortable he made me feel. I expressed my concerns for my own daughter when she turns into a teen. My husband, mother and little sister all knew about this during the whole entire thing. My little sister would tell me that now I knew what she felt for so long while he and my sister lived with her, mom and dad. We are not talking anymore. My mother and little sister won't come out and support me in my points to my other sister. I don't know how to deal with this. They want to continue to pretend it hasn't happened. Any suggestions?



For me the response was clear and easy:

You are doing what you need to do, taking a stand even though it is causing problems in your family relationships. At least now it is in the open and you are not struggling with a lie, or pretending there was not a problem. Denying that there was a problem and living a in a “lie to protect someone else” is incredibly unhealthy for you.

Also a lot of people incorrectly feel guilt, even when they are the victim. Often they take on the responsibility or down play the importance of what was done or said. The number of rapes not reported every day is proof of that. They don’t want other people to know. So your little sister and mother want to keep the family secret in the closet and resent that you don’t and will not support you. They don’t want other people to know. Also if your sister and her husband break up they will feel it is their fault, not the husbands. Odd I know, but again it is why so many people get away with things like this.



If your sister forgave him the first time, she will keep forgiving him. It is either the “us against them”, “I can change him”, or “he will change for me” mentality. Either way she is going to keep on forgiving him almost anything and everything. Don’t expect her to change. I expect he will eventually get caught, and she will forgive him and nothing will change. She may even feel that it is somehow her fault; she was not enough women for him so he looked elsewhere. She will actually try harder to please him so it will not be her responsibility the marriage fell apart. If she cannot keep the marriage together she has somehow failed. Again, odd, but how some people respond to things like this.

Instead keep yourself and your daughter safe and away from him. Don’t expect your family to change, they want to keep their heads buried in the sand and pretend bad things don’t happen. It is more important that you do what is right for you and your daughter.




The real problem I have is that yet again a family is being ripped apart or damaged the actions of one person. That person is not even facing the brunt of the effects he is having. People are actually supporting him and punishing the only family member strong enough to say “enough is enough, this is not acceptable.” People wonder why things like this happen. Why someone gets away with things. This is why, the person willing to talk and take a stand is the one who loses.

Why don’t more people come out and tell someone that they are being abused, hurt or propositioned. They don’t want to be treated like this lady is being treated by her own family. If family is going to treat a person like this for telling the truth, how are other people going to treat them?

Child Abuse: When to become “Involved”

When do you report child abuse and to whom? It is not our job to determine if child abuse is taking place. It is our job to speak for the children who may not be able to speak for themselves or get anyone to hear them.

What about all the horror stories about families and lives being destroyed by false accusations? If you have concerns for a child’s safety or well being it is not a false accusation. Truth be known, more child abusers slip through the cracks then innocent people are found “harmful” to their children.

AS ADULTS WE NEED TO PROTECT KIDS NOT OTHER ADULTS.

If you think there is some type of abuse going on – proof or no proof – go with your gut on this one, call children’s aid and let them know how you feel and why. It is their job to determine if there is abuse or danger to the child. An abuser is going to hide what they are doing so you may only have hints and small incidences to go on. If something feels wrong it probably is.

If you see abuse – then you call the police and report it so there is a record of the abuse, time and date. The police will bring in Children’s Aid but you may want to call C.A. as well.

If a child is in severe danger – call the police. Bring attention to what is happening. Get as many people as possible to intervene for the safety of the child.

If you saw a baby or a child locked in a hot or freezing car you would do what you had to to rescue the child. Why should it be any different if someone is beating a child or abandoning their children for days on end, or “just” hurting them in ways that don’t leave marks?

We are the adults and it is time we placed innocent children before strangers, friends and even family.

There is nothing worse then looking into the eyes of a child you could have saved but did not. Unless it is knowing a child died because you did not want to get involved.

My home was broken into today

My house was broken into today and I am very stressed out. When I got home from school James was unexpectedly home already. It seems he had left school a few hours early. He was wondering why I had moved his swords onto our bed and where was the one his dad had given him? I did not move the swords onto the bed, nor any of the other stuff he found on it. It seems someone had a key to get into our home. It may have been a master key used by locksmiths because our complex uses locks that are easy to remove and replace, all you need is one key to open every door in the 98 homes of the complex.

The police believe that either James interrupted them and they had time to get out of the front door before he made it through the back. However, they hid items in our living room under the couch instead of taking them. The police believe that they hid things in preparation for when they come back. They will not have to look around, they know where things are and hid the ones they wanted in a place that we would not normally look but would make it easer for them to grab when they came back with a truck.

This is very scary, fist that someone found it so easy to enter our home and that they did such a good job it was by chance we realized that something was wrong, and that someone had been in our home. If James had not asked me why I was moving the swords around we would never have figured it out. The second reason it is scary is because someone was in our home, and they can come back at any time. They have a key or master key to our home and we do not have anyway to keep them out. So now one of us has to be home all the time. That is going to be difficult and yet we cannot afford to not be home. We cannot replace anything right now so our lives have to suffer to prevent our home from being cleaned out.

We have already replaced the locks and are going to be buying alarms and more to try and prevent our home from being robbed. I am very angry right now, and part of me hopes they make the mistake of trying when we are home because then I can hurt them for putting me through this. Believe me when I say that even though I am for the most part a non-violent person right now I would love to be able to punch them in the nose or kick in a much lower area for trying to take what little we do have and making us live in fear.

There is latex in what?

A friend of mine has an allergy to latex. Because of this I have found out that latex is in a lot of things most of us don’t even think about. Rubber bands for one, some clothing and now it can be found in food. One website on latex allergies I found said that “Latex is used in making condoms, diapers, rubber bands, rubber toys, sanitary pads, adhesive tape, balloons, urinary catheters, and exam gloves. Individuals that are allergic to latex can also be allergic to banana, avocado, kiwi fruit, chestnut, and tomato.”

There has been some research done regarding the transfer of latex from a glove to cheese and then from the cheese to other foods. Latex protein studies have shown that using latex gloves to handle the cheese leaves this latex protein on it. It seems that cheese is often coated with latex to keep it from molding. So if latex from a glove can be transferred to cheese then how much latex is in the cheese if it has been coated with it? Some latex gloves have cornstarch in them, it seems the latex protein attaches to the cornstarch and can become airborne causing the air in that work area, often hospitals, to have latex particles floating around waiting for someone to breath them in.

My friend is unable to eat pizza now because every time she orders in she has an allergic reaction from the cheese. Now it may just be that the food handlers are using latex gloves or the cheese was coated in latex to keep it from molding. It does not matter how the latex gets on the cheese, she still has a reaction that could kill her. Yet one more thing for me to keep in mind for when she comes over, latex protein is transferable. This means I could be handling balloons and then transfer the latex protein to her or food. Kind of scary when you think about it.

What online games are safe to let our kids play?

I was reading a blog “Am I a bad dad for letting my kid use the headset in Xbox Live?” about a dad talking about the things being said to an 11 year old on Xbox. I thought it brought up a good point, what are adults and teenagers saying to our kids and each other. The name calling alone was enough to say I cannot let my children, who are much younger then 11, play Xbox Live, even with the speaker on let alone with the headset on. As he pointed out his son has told him about the names, but what has he not told him about.

I have seen some adults “play” and they can get quite verbally abusive. Everything from name calling to death threats can be heard when adult’s play, and that is with out the anonymity of being online. I don’t know what people are willing to say when no one can identify them, where there is little or no risk for being aggressive and no reason to be “nice”. At what point does the environment become so negative or toxic that our children should not be exposed? I know that when I play poker some of the people online are quit offensive, but I have the option to block their chat or report them. If they are breaking the rules, i.e. using abusive language they can be kicked off the system or their chat rights removed depending on how bad they were. I don’t think this option is available on Xbox Live, all you can do is limit chat to who is on your friends list and I think that takes away from the game if you are trying to be part of a team but cannot talk to them.

I know that there are quite a few sites now for kids to chat and play games. Who are the other people on the other computers? What are they willing to say to kids? I can only control what my kids say and do, not what they hear and read. This is why I don’t think online live games are going to be a part of my kids lives for sometime, or mine unless I have some control over what I hear and read. My kids and I don’t need to be abused to have fun, thank you. I want to be able to cut someone off if they are being abusive, I don’t need to hear it, nor do my kids.

I think the real problem is that there is not a moderator on Xbox Live, nor is there any way to have a moderator unless they start using verbal recognition programs and tap into every single game. The only way to control what is being said is for the people to control themselves, and that is not going to happen. Options, stop playing the game when a person becomes abusive, play through it, or don’t play at all. So you may want to think twice about what you are getting your kids this Christmas. What doorways are these online games going to open and what control do you have over them?

Getting ready for that first day of school

This is harder then expected. I thought that it would be easy to just pack my kid of to kindergarten for half a day. It is not like he has not been going to daycare for years. What is different about sending him to school? Why is it emotionally difficult?

First there is getting him ready for the transition of no longer going to pre-school with his friends all day but going to kindergarten for half the day and spending half the day at home. He is having a hard time understanding that he is not going to be going back to pre-school. He does not handle change very well, he comes by it honestly, I don’t like changing either. He needs routines and I am not very good with them. It is going to be a challenge for both of us to adjust. The next few weeks will be all about getting all of us ready for him to go to real school.

It is important that he has time to adjust to the change before it happens. We walk by his new school everyday and I let him know that he will be going to that school in a few weeks. Next week the daycare will be getting him used to the idea that he will not be coming back to them, but going to real school. Everyone is working toward making this as easy on him as possible.

However I was not expecting me to have problems with it. It is a big step for him, a sign that he is growing up. I am happy for him but at the same time uncomfortable with there being less control over what happens in his day. I worry about him fitting in, though he does ok at daycare and I think some of the kids will be in the same school as him. I worry about bullies and strange people coming into the school. I want to be able to protect him still from all of that and still give him his freedom to become himself.

How does one balance the need to protect and the need to let go? This is just one small step for us, but it is also a big first step to letting him grow up and be part of the real world. My husband wanted us to home school but I want him to learn how to deal with how things really are right away, personality conflicts and all. And yet I am the one who is starting to get anxious about him being in a less controlled environment, being vulnerable.

I also have to deal with our three year old being upset because he is going to a different school then her, and that she cannot go with him. I think that it is going to be a hard month for all of us as we adjust our schedules and get used to him going to school. In one way I think it is going to be harder for me having him home more, mainly because I work from home and already have a hard time getting my work done, now I will have even less time. On the other hand I think it will be very good for us to have some quality time together without his little sister. He needs the one on one time and she always has to be doing what he is doing or is trying to get me to do something else with her.

I think he is going to have an easer time adjusting then I am, but it is going to be a hard few weeks until things become routine again.

School safety, who can pick up your child?

Who can pick up your child from school? Do you know what the pick up procedure is at your school? How well are those policies followed? I was watching a Dr. Phil episode about children being picked up or kidnapped from their school. In both cases the policies that are in place to protect the kids were not followed. As a parent I need to know what the procedures are and how well are they followed. How do you test your school?

What can we do to keep our kids safe? One thing to do is let our kids know what to do if someone tries to pick them up from school. One solution is to tell the child to refuse to go unless the person knows your safe word. A word only you and your child know. Your child should also know that just because a teacher says this person is here to pick you up does not mean it is ok to go. They can say NO to the teacher and not go with that person until the person gives them the word or they have talked with you over the phone.

It is funny but both kids had been told by their parents not to go with strangers, but they went anyway because the teacher told them that this man was here to pick them up. At no point was the identity of the man taking the child established. This was a definite breach of policy. So you can have the best policies in place but they are only as good as the person enforcing them.

It is not good enough to have great policies you have to enforce them as well. There are real consequences here. If someone is kidnapping a child from school chances are they don't have the best interest of the child in mind. As a parent we need to make sure the policies are being enforced, even if it is inconvenient for parents and the teachers. It is a lot more inconvenient to have to search for your child then it is to show some id when picking them up.

At our kids pre-school no one is aloud to pick up our kids unless they are on the list of people we have authorized to pick them up. On top of that they have to have verbal confirmation from us prior to pick up, otherwise the person cannot take them from the school. So we have to pre-arrange for anyone other then us to pick up our kids. Then the person has to show id proving that they are the person that they claim to be. There is only one door that people are aloud to go in or out and it is manned at all times. You have to be buzzed in. They have a great system, one of the better ones in our area. However, this fall our son is going to real school and we have to establish the schools pick up policies. I expect that they are not as secure as the preschool. Now we have to teach our son what to do if someone other then us tries to take him from school. I hope he does a lot better then the two kids that were taken from school by strangers.

Who is to blame when it comes to underage drinking and sex?

There are underage boys and girls getting ID’s that gives them preserved legal ages. They use these to get into clubs, bars and buy alcohol. This is bad enough. They are out drinking and partying and doing everything we as parents don’t want them to be doing. Now for the most part it is kids 16 and older doing this but there are kids as young as 13 getting into bars. They look older then they are and the have the ID to back it.

There needs to be some changes with whom we hold responsible for the results. Do we need to start cracking down on the stores that are selling the ID, the bars and stores selling the alcohol, the parents or the kids? Usually it is the bar or store selling alcohol that pays the price, or fine. What about the store that made the ID for kids in the first place. What consequences do they have to face? These kids are not blameless; they are the ones who get the fake ID in the first place.

Then you have the poor smuck who thinks the kid is of age and has sex with him or her. Who pays the price there? Sure there are people praying on the underage, but if you think you are with someone who is legal, and they have the ID to prove it, who is responsible here? Who gets the label pedophile and jail time? Not the kid. This is where an innocent gets to pay the consequences. There needs to be a change in the law to respond to this type of instance. There is a large difference between someone knowingly having sex with a minor and someone having a one-night stand with someone they think is 21. They should not be treated the same.

So who is responsible? Those that provide the fake ID should be hit the hardest. Making it harder to get the ID that tricks people makes sense to me. Clubs, bars and stores that sell alcohol should be next if they knowingly sell to a minor, the fake ID should not be held against them if it is of good quality. You should not be penalized for selling to someone you think is legal. Same for the person who has sex with the 21 year old who is actually 14 but looks 21 and has the ID to prove it. How can that person be held responsible for having sex with a minor when all the information they had said otherwise?

That leaves the parents and the kids. How much blame should be placed on the parents of kids who are out at bars, clubs or buying booze? Should they not know what is going on and where their kids are? Sure ask that of the parent whose kid slips out of the house once everyone is asleep or the one who’s kid is supposedly at a sleepover or working. There is a point where you just do not have the control and yet somehow you, the parent, are being held responsible for your teenager’s actions. This one I have a hard time with because in one way a parent is responsible for their children but at the same time I feel that there are circumstances that the parents have done everything that can be reasonably expected and then some.

So whom should the responsibility fall on, the teenagers getting the fake ID’s in the first place! They are knowingly breaking the law and should be the ones to deal with the law, not the people they are tricking. This is not some innocent kid in the wrong place at the wrong time. They had to go out and get the ID made with the intent to use it to break the law. There should be some consequences for these kids to face, Juvenal jail time or something. It is fraud and should be treated as such. These are not innocent victims and should not be treated as such. The bars, clubs, stores, sex partners and parents for the most part are the victims here.

From the time I was 12 years old I could get into bars, clubs and buy alcohol at the liquor store with out ID. I looked as if I was in my 20 with out make-up on. I was not carded once until one week before my 18th birthday. In Canada 18 years is legal to buy alcohol. At age 13 I had 20-year-old guys and older trying to date me thinking I was the same age as them, and I was not in a bar or club at the time. If I could do this without ID think about how much easer it is with fake ID. The irony is that I don’t drink, then or now, nore did I go to clubs or bars when I was under age. At 12 I went into the liquor store to pick up some brandy for the Christmas cakes I was making and was able to get help picking it out and then bought it with out being questioned or carded. So my Mother would send me in to get her alcohol well she went shopping. A few times she took me to bars and clubs and found it funny that no one thought twice about letting me in. What could I have gotten away with at that age today with a fake ID?

Balancing a Child’s safety with the need for free exploration: parenting past and present.

Balancing a child’s safety with the need for free explorations is handled differently today then it was in the past. Why, because each generation has learned from the mistakes of the last generation and technology has changed. Sure we don’t let our kids play in the kitchen when we cook, we put gate up so they cannot get in. Why, because too many kids were burned and we learned to do things differently. We don’t let our kids bike with out a helmet, or at least the helmet is on when we can see them. Why, because we like our kids to not have brain injuries. We keep our kids wired to us by cell phones and some times GPS trackers. Why, don’t we trust our kids? Yes, about as much as our parents trusted us and I am sure if my Mom could have put a GPS on me back then she would have. This gives us some feeling of safety for our kids as kids can be and are picked up off the streets every day.

Does keeping your child out of the kitchen when you cook prevent them from learning hot don’t touch, or this is how you make dinner? No, they can still observe out of harms way and we can do other activities together that teach in a less harmful environment. Does making your child put their helmet on when biking hold them back, no. Is making them call you at specific times on their cell prevent them from exploring the world, no but it lets them know that you care about them. In some ways it even lets them explore more, we can find them or check in with them at any time, it just takes a call and we know what is going on. Or as much as they tell us, there is still trust issues out there.

I am not saying that our parents did not try to keep us safe, just that our perceptions of what needs to be done to keep our kids safe is different. I am sure our children will also have a different view on what is safe and what is not. Parents in the past said, “Don’t put any thing into the electric socket”, we say the same thing but now have little plug caps to put into them to help remove the temptation. Trust me if a kid is determined to stick some thing into the electric outlet they will find a way. But that is why we tell our kids not to and have better fuses to shut off the electricity if they do. We still tell our kids, don’t play by the pool, and don’t go in the pool if we are not with you. However, we now put fences up with motion detectors on the gate and special motion detectors on the pool to give us warning if someone is in the water.

We have better ways of keeping our children safe now; it does not hamper our children’s need for free exploration. We are not keeping our kids from exploring; we are just making sure it is in a safer environment. We don’t leave guns, or matches in places where kids can get to them and tell them don’t play with that, it is not a toy. We lock them up (the guns and matches, not the kids). Our kids can still learn that guns and matches are not a toy with out being put into a situation where they harm themselves or others. I like to think that we have come a long way from the time of having seat belts but not using them to having car seats and buster seats with special belting to keep them safe.

About 10 years ago my friends parents where babysitting their grandson. He had just started to go from crawling to trying to pull himself up. The Grandmother made her husband his tea like usual. She boiled the water, put the bag in and then put it on the end table by the couch. The little boy used that table to pull himself up. The table fell, the hot tea burned him so bad he had to go to the hospital for 3rd degree burn treatment and his chest will be scarred for life. As a result of this I always made sure I used a travel mug with a lid around my kids, that I took my cup with me when I left a room, or made sure it was in a high, secure place. My kids learned my cup was hot and that they were not to touch it. Did I stop putting my cup in a safe place, no, just for my own peace of mind. I learned from the mistakes of others, as I hope my children will learn from my mistakes.

How to keep your teen girl safe when she parties

How to best keep your teen girl safe when she parties, become the party home. Let your home become the one every one hangs out at. Sure you have a messy house and a large food bill but at least you know where your teen daughter is at and what she is doing. You can control what goes on in your home, make sure drugs and alcohol is not getting into the teens, and no place for them to have sex. The reality of this actually happening is slim to none as teenagers want to party at the place with the least supervision. So you have to deal with the reality that your teenager is going to party with her friends some where out of your control.

You need to teach your teen girl that she can party and have fun without drugs or alcohol, give her the real information about what drugs and alcohol do to a person. Control what you can and educate her on every thing else. We also must teach by example. What is the point of saying, “Do as I tell you not as I do”? It does no good to tell a teen girl not to do some thing she sees her parents and other role models doing.

Things parents need to think about to keep their teen girl safe when she parties. People need to understand that a party can be any activity outside your supervision. It can be at a school party, a birthday party, friends home, at underage dance clubs, or your teen girl can get fake ID and get into actual bars and clubs. There are too many things to worry about these days. If we let our teen girls party we need to make sure they understand what is ok, not ok and the consequences of her and others actions. What are we the parents most concerned with? Sex, Drugs and alcohol for the most part.

Let us deal with each of these: First Sex.

As parents we need to have the sex talk with our children, both boys and girls as early as possible. This way they will hopefully have a good idea of what sex is, what is ok and not ok, and the consequences like pregnancy, Aids and other STD’s. We cannot stop our teens from wanting sex, or even having sex. All we can do is try to make sure they make the best possible informed decisions.

We also need to build our teen girls self-esteem so they don’t need to turn to teen boys and men to feel better about them selves. Girls with low self-esteem often turn to sex to become popular and mistake the attention they are getting for love or as giving them value. Others with low self-esteem will let people treat them badly, even selling themselves to others for sex because they don’t think they are worth more or deserve better. We as parents need to do what we can to stop this from happening. We must let them know they are valued and loved by us, just the way they are. Not an easy thing to do.

What we need to make sure our teen daughters understand is that teen boys and even grown men want to have sex with them. Yes even when a teen girl is only 13 guys are trying to get into their pants; they don’t just want to be fiends. For the most part teen boys and men will tell her what ever she wants to hear to try and have sex with her. Others may go a more direct rout, using drugs and alcohol to get rid of her inhibitions, and make it easer for them to convince her to have sex. Others will use alcohol, and drugs to cause her to be unable to fight them off as they rape her. If you are passed out it is kind of hard to say “NO”. Others will just rape, with or with out the use of drugs and alcohol. Our daughters need to know this, not some sanitized version of life. They must understand that this can happen to them, it does not just happen to other people.

Second: Drugs

All children, and teens, must understand the difference between drugs and medicine. Medicine is some thing a Dr. prescribes to make a specific medical problem better. Drugs are sold or given by people who want them to get high, become addicted, and give them money to get more drugs. Sure the idea is that drugs make you feel better, have better sex, or just remove you from problems. The reality is that drugs make you stupid, addicted and change who you are.

So we make sure our kids and teens know not to do drugs. That it is not a cool or fun thing to do, even if other people around you are doing it. Doing random drug tests at home help them say NO. It makes it easer for them to give a reason for not doing the drugs, a way out from peer pressure. It is much easer for a teen to say, “I can’t do that or be in the room when you do it because my parents drug test me when I get home” then to say “No I don’t want to do that”. For the most part unless a teen girl is looking for drugs to escape their lives they appreciate having a way out from taking them.

The real problem here is that drug dealers are marketing and targeting preteens and teens. Our kids and teens don’t even know that they are taking a drug. There were some sour candies that the dealer coated with a drug and they looked the same as the regular sour candies. Others have made special suckers; the drug was mixed in with the sucker ingredients when they were being made. It looks like a sucker, why would any one think it was not one. Then they don’t sell drugs to the kids and teens, but they sell a candy that is special, makes you feel better, or how ever they want to market it. The next thing you know the kids and teens are addicted to a drug they did not even know they were taking. Drug testing at home can catch this and help find where the drug is coming from.

Third: Alcohol

This one is the hard one. It is legal and teen girls see their parents drinking. If it is ok for the parent to drink alcohol why can’t they? It is one of those do as I tell you not as I do type situations, and that never works. A lot of people do not see there is any harm in drinking even when it is underage drinking. Telling teen girls that drinking puts them at risk can help keep them from drinking, but only if they understand the hard facts about it. Not some lame, “Don’t drink its bad for you.” Drinking impairs decision-making so you have to stop them from having the first drink.

Teen girls need to understand that it puts them at risk to be raped as well as other things. Alcohol is responsible for most teen deaths. Death caused by drunk driving is the one most people think of. However alcohol poisoning is right up there as well as non-vehicle related accidents. When some one is drunk or stoned things that would normally be obviously dangerous is not seen that way. This would explain many injuries and deaths like trying to race across a train track and beat the train, or jumping off a cliff into water to go swimming.

How to keep your teen girl from drinking or doing drugs? There are home tests that you can use to tell if she has been drinking or doing drugs. It makes it easer for her to say; “no I get tested when I get home”. If she is old enough to drive get her to always be the designated driver. The best thing to do is to be brutal in showing the consequences. Not just the films about drinking, or showing the cars that were in drinking related accidents. Show them the people on the street, homeless, see if you can show some one detoxing from alcohol or drugs. Have them talk to some one whose friend or family member died from alcohol or drugs. Make her watch how people act when drunk. If she does come home drunk film her. Then show her what she is actually like when drunk.

Have you told your kids how wonderful they are today?

There have been all these studies that have shown that you don’t spoil your child by praising them. It is actually more positive to consistently praise your child for trying then it is for completing the goal. It gives them the confidence to keep trying, improves their self-esteem. The best part is that if we the parents are constantly giving praise for the good things they do, even when they don’t succeed, we are giving them positive attention. They are less likely to act out trying to get any attention. I like that, I can tell my kids how great they are doing and we both win, they feel positive about themselves and don’t go off the deep end trying to get my attention. I feel a lot better being able to tell them they are doing something great then spending all my time trying to get them to behave.

So can you tell I have been taking “The incredible years” course? Our youngest just turned three and suddenly we had this uncontrollable screaming child that nothing would make happy. If her brother has something she has to have the same one he does. The very same one, from his plate or hand. Nothing else will do. She will say; “I want that one!” and point to what ever we were going to hand our son. Some times we would not even know what would set her off, she would just have a full blown tantrum and the more we tried to find out what was wrong the louder and longer the tantrum would become. She would get upset if we tried to comfort her and if we tried to leave her alone. It was a no win situation. We had no idea on how to deal with this sudden behavior change. We called for help and were signed up for the very next “The incredible years” course.

It is working and has improved our lives. Our son is no longer asking if we are bringing her back home from Daycare. He did not want us to. We had to make some big changes on just how we interact with our kids. Most important is that we actually play with them, not just supervise or be available but actually get down on the floor and play. We had to start thinking about what we were saying and what it means to us and what it means to the kids. What does Behave actually mean? We may be asking them not to jump, or to stop hitting each other, or to walk with us in the store, or any number of things but we say, “behave” instead of what we actually want. What does behave mean to a child? If one day we say behave means to not fight with each other, and the next day to stop climbing the couch we should not be surprised if our kids don’t know what we expect from them when we use the word behave.

The most powerful thing we learned though is to tell our kids positive things about themselves all through the day, not just when they have done something perfect. That they are doing something positive is worth praising, even when it is something they do all the time. The more positive things you tell your kids decreases the negative comments and discipline required. By focusing on the behaviors we consider good and ignoring the ones that we consider bad (but not dangerous) the positive behaviors increase, the bad ones decrease. Mind you the negative ones will increase for a bit until they get used to the positive feedback, you just have to make it through the transition and then stay consistent and life with your children should be easer and more fun.

We noticed a change right away, first an increase in the negative and then suddenly a dramatic decrease. Though our daughter is considered difficult and strong willed we have reduced the big tantrums for the most part, and we like that a lot. She is constantly testing us but it is no longer the full-blown wars we were having with her. We don’t feed into it anymore. What has freed us is knowing that we don’t have to win every battle but to pick our battles instead, to acknowledge what we like and ignore for the most part what we don’t. Tantrums don’t last that long if they don’t get the attention, and don’t get their way no matter how much they scream. The more you tell your kids how wonderful they are the more wonderful they actually become.

You would never endanger your kids but it is ok to put yourself at risk

Adults expect children to do things to keep them safe, but don’t do those same things themselves. Who pays the price? There is this commercial done by the Canadian Red Cross that had me crying and trying to not throw up. It was that hard to watch, even now I feel ill thinking about it. Why, because it showed the truth. It shows this scene with two little kids in a rowboat, with life jackets on. The kids are sitting together holding each other. They have these unbelievable looks on their faces. There is a voice talking about how you would never endanger your children by letting them go out in a boat with out a life jacket on. Then it starts pulling out and you can see that there is no one in the boat with the kids. The voice then starts talking about how if you make your kids put them on why don’t you. I don’t remember the exact words because this horror started to fill me as I started to understand what was going on. The last scene you see is of two little defenceless children to small to row a boat or know what to do sitting in a boat in the middle of a large area of water. The scene ends just as you start to see their father floating face down just out of reach of the boat. What makes me sad is that even after seeing this commercial there are going to be people going out without their life jackets on and their kids get to see them die.

So you would never endanger your children but for some reason people think that they don’t have to keep themselves safe. You are not willing to do what you demand your children to do. I see it all the time. Parents with no life jackets on, or worse some times not on the little ones: even though it is against the law not to have them on. Then you see the same adults drinking as they relax out on the boat. That is always a bad mix. There are deaths related to drinking and boating every year, usually because the person did not put on their life jacket. There are always things we tell our kids not to do or to do to keep safe that adults just don’t seem to do. Bike helmets, why don’t people put them on? Are our heads harder then our children’s? I know that the watermelon demonstration is enough for me to put a helmet on and expect my kids to have theirs on. Seat belts, well it is the law but some people still don’t put them on. We usually find out when they are dead or in the hospital. It is ok to keep your kids safe, but at the same time to put yourself at risk so your not there for your kids. I just don’t understand this. I will not put myself at risk, I want to be a part of my kids lives not a memory.

Good, old-fashioned fun for kids: Activities that don't involve TV or a computer

As parents we want to give our children every opportunity possible. If we have the money we enrol our children into after school and summer time activities. When we do not have the money it is much harder to involve our children in activities that don’t involve TV or computer. Even more so when our children are latch key kids and we don’t control what they do from the time they get home and we do. There are places that it is just not safe to let our children hang out. At the park with their friends, or even ride their bikes around the block. As parents we have the job of finding safe activities for our children that does not always involve TV or a computer.

The younger our children are the easier it is for us to expose them to all kinds of activates. They actually still like spending time with us. So we need to get them interested in some thing other then TV, video games and the computer. Most younger kids will prefer to spend time playing with their parents, siblings and friends then watching TV or being on the computer. So as long as we are willing to play with them and have activities to do it is easy to control younger children’s TV and computer usage. The best part is that as we spend more time with our kids playing and paying attention to them we will usually notice improvements in their behaviours. They are getting positive attention from us and will usually reduce negative behaviours they were using to get our attention. We also get to know our kids better, and they are learning so much just by playing with us or doing fun activities. It is a win win situation. The real question is what do 8 to 12 year old children like to do? You want activities they enjoy and be safe doing.

After school programs are wonderful for both boys and girls. Where we live there are programs for almost any thing you can think of; Karate or self-defence, dance, music or band, cooking, astronomy, 4H club, any sports, gymnastics, swimming, marching band, computer club, chess, even a go cart racing club. The options are only limited by location, availability of the program and money. There are quite a few programs that have a different price rate for lower income families, like our local recreational community centre and pool. They let us pay less to join and get our children into different programs. City Kids, YMCA, YWCA and many church groups also have free programs or are priced for lower income families.

For activities in the home parents have to find something their children like, and then be supportive and whenever possible participate with them. Here are some in home activities, please note that some will require adult supervision.

Games: board or others like the Yugioh card game.
Crafts and art: Sculpting with wire, clay or paper mache. Jewelry designing and making. Ceramics, painting, drawing, model making, and needle crafts.
Writing: Poems, stories, songs, or plays.
Designing clothing: learn how to make, alter or accessories clothing.
Cooking: from helping with a meal, making cakes and cookies to making the meal with adult supervision. Creating new foods, trying new foods can all be fun. This one also helps get kids to eat their vegetables and try new things.
Designing and building: Lego’s, building sets, wood or cardboard. Kits are great here, miniatures can add a lot.
Theatrical arts: Singing, dancing, learning to play a musical instrument, make plays and act in them, learning magic tricks.
Science: CSI kits, Spy kits, Chemistry kits are all great ways to stimulate children’s interest.

These are great activities that do not involve TV or a computer. They let our children grow and explore. Just right to keep our children entertained and safe. What is important is that we turn off the TV and the computer. If we want our kids to be doing something other then watching TV or being attached to the computer then we cannot tell them to not do it only to go do it ourselves. As hard as it is going to be we that adults have to also reduce our TV and computer time and do other things, and if we are luck it will be with our kids if they let us. What is the point of going to all the effort of finding what your kids like, set it up only to have you go sit in front of the TV or computer. That is not going to work. To keep our kids doing activities, we have to be setting a good example and become active ourselves.

So who is standing outside your door, and how safe are you?

Today I had to think about how smart I am when it comes to me knowing verses using safety tips. What made me question it? My kids were looking out the window saying that some one was banging on our door. I looked out the window and called for my husband to come up from the basement. Then I opened the door, why, the guy had a uniform on and looked official. I was thinking that there was another problem with the water pipes like last weekend. It turns out he was one of those pushy sales guys that go door to door for Union Energy. He would not leave until my husband came up and said no thank you. James then asked me why I had called him. “There was a strange guy at our door, of course I want you to come up just in case.”

Then I thought about it. If it was dark I would not have opened my door, I would have talked through the door until I knew what the guy wanted. I know better then to open the door, today I failed the test. I opened it because I saw the official looking uniform, though I did not know what or who the guy was. Safety 101 you don’t open your door to strangers until you identify them and what they want, and sometimes you still check with the company if they want into your home. We teach this to our children, but I the adult did not follow a simple guideline. Just because it looks like a cop, UPS, flower delivery or pizza delivery does not mean the uniform is not a rental. If you are not expecting someone delivering something then are they lost or something else?

One of the most common ways thieves are able to walk around a neighbourhood looking for a home to break into is to have some type of uniform on. This way people don’t even give them a second glance. They must be there for a reason. It makes it easy to go to a door and see if anyone is home. If someone sees them going around the house looking for way to get in, they are just looking for a meter, or some damage or something. Though most people will not even think about checking why they are there. It is a great way to case a house or even break in if the opportunity is there.

Then you have the wonderful knowledge that they don’t care if you are home or not, if you open the door bam you have a home invasion. Now I don’t live in a rich area, and we don’t have a lot so I don’t think we have to worry too much about someone doing a home invasion. But at the same time we do know that there is a building with drug dealers about four blocks away. A person on drugs, or in need of drugs is not thinking clearly and will be happy to get enough money for the next fix. So who is standing at your door?

I am not trying to scare people, just make them more aware of simple things to try to keep our selves safer. If someone is at your door and is planning to rob you, they are also planning to hurt you. Otherwise they would break in when you are not home. Now most home invasions are a crime of opportunity. If you open the door they are in, if not they move onto the next home or apartment. If you are the target they are going to get into your home even if you don’t open the door, but at least the door will slow them down a little. At that point in time robbery is probably not the main crime on their minds and all you can do is try to get yourself and your family away from them and hopefully you have a cell to call 911.

What made my brain start thinking about this, the guy walked past our window about ½ hr later. Then about 20 minutes later the police were out in the back looking around all the homes and seemed to be looking for clues. The timing just made me think about how stupid I had been for opening the door to a stranger, in uniform or not.

Tips on talking to your teen boy about sex

As parents we need to have the sex talk with our children, both boys and girls as early as possible. This way they will hopefully have a good idea of what sex is, what is ok and not ok, and the consequences like pregnancy, Aids and other STD’s. We cannot stop our teens from wanting sex, or even having sex. All we can do is try to make sure they make the best possible informed decisions.

Time goes by so quickly. We meant to have that all important sex talk but the time never seemed right. All of a sudden our little boy is a teen boy and we have to find some way to talk to him about sex. There are a lot of ways to open up a conversation about sex with teen boys. Here are some tips on talking to your teen boy about sex.

The first hair shows up, the typical sign of the onset of puberty. This is a great time to talk about hormones and body changes. This can lead right into the sex talk. “Now that you are becoming a man you are going to want to have sex so it is time we talked about it.” “You are a man now, you are going to have some questions about sex. Now is a good time to talk with you about it.” Talk about what his “parts” do and what they are for. The how and why people have sex as well as the consequences of having sex. Such as pregnancy and STD’s.

There is always some good looking girl or woman on TV, in movies, and video games. Ask your teen boy if he finds her attractive. Then ask what he finds attractive in girls or women. What “feelings” he has and what he would like to do, like hug her or kiss her. This opens up what sex is, what the feelings are and what is and is not ok, how you treat a lady, i.e. no means no.

There are always talk shows on teen sex and the consequences and even on how to talk with your teen about sex. Montel Williams and Dr. Phil usually have at least a few every year. Watch them with your teen boy. Talk about the topic of the show. Use the questions the show opens up.
Teen boys get erections all the time. You can open the conversation by talking about how best to hid them in public; what types of pants to wear and other strategies to avoid embarrassment in public. This is a great way to find out what else your teen boy may have questions about.

Teen boys also start having ejaculations in their sleep, wet dream. This is a great opening to talk about what an ejaculation is and then talk about sex. This is a good time to talk about the issue of having unintentional ejaculation when reacting to stimuli’s, i.e. a pretty girl is talking to you. This can be very embarrassing and teen boys need an idea of what to do when it happens, or a strategy to avoid it from happening.

Buy a box of condoms and use a cucumber to demonstrate how to properly use condoms. This lets you talk about sex, safe sex, STD’s, contraception and hopefully find out what sex myths you son might believe. Myths like clingwrap around the penise works just as well as a condom. This also opens the door to questions like, “What do the different condoms do”, “What condom do girls like best”, “How do you know when to make the first move”

It is not important the way you open the conversation, as long as you have the conversation and give real honest answers. Find out what your son already knows or thinks he knows. If you don’t know what misinformation your son has you cannot let him know the truth. You need to talk about sex, how good it feels, when is the right time, how to control the urge, how to react when a girl says “no”, and how to have control over your body not the other way around. Think about all the things you wish you had known about sex at his age and talk with him about it.

Starting the big sex talk dialog when your kid is a three year old

Now talking about sex to your three year old is not going to be the same as if she/he was eight, thirteen, or eighteen. But it is a good place to start and get some things out of the way. It makes it easer to have the bigger talks when they are older. It lets both of you become comfortable with the idea of talking about it and actually having the conversation. The other part is that three year olds need to know some things.

It is a sad thing to say, but for some people a three year old is a sex object and they will prey on them. It is good to let your children know what is ok to touch or have touched as soon as possible. It is also important that children know the real names of their parts so that if some one does touch them then they can say, “So and So put his hand on my vagina”, instead of “he rubbed my kitty.” This is one of the biggest problems police have is that kids use slang words that their parents taught them to use. The police don’t know if the kid means that some one actually touched their penis or vagina or did they touch the kids pet cat, or bird.

So how do you start a conversation about sex with a three year old, and what do you talk to them about?

1) When potty training use the correct term for their bits, penis or vagina. I tend to use the word bum though, not anise. I started when I was changing their diapers, I would tell them I was cleaning their bum, or that is your penis or vagina. It is a very simple thing to do, and to be blunt what is the point of using some made up name or word; it is just going to confuse the kids latter on. It is funny because my three year old keeps saying it is her penis, and I have to keep reminding her that she has a vagina because she is a girl and that boys have a penis.

2) It is also easy to use potty time to mention that their bum and penis or vagina is their private area. This makes it easer for you to let them know that you have private areas as well and that your child needs to tell you if some one is touching your child on their private areas, or asking your child to look at or touch their private areas. Rule of thumb is that if your underwear covers it then it is a private area.

I have asked my three year old and four year old about if anyone has touched them. I was told that the daycare person was cleaning that area when my three year old went in the diaper or potty. She told me, she understood the concept of someone touching that area was something I needed to know. Now I completely expected that answer and have no concerns about the daycare workers as long as that is what her answer is. My 4 year old is expected to clean himself at daycare so if he told me someone was touching him on his private areas then we have a problem.

Today when he used the potty, I asked him for the first time if anyone has asked him to touch his or her private parts. He said no, and we talked about how he should say “No”. He is the one that came up with “No thank you, that’s yucky” and now he knows to tell me about it. It will take some time to get it to the point were he knows to tell everyone who will listen that “so and so” tried to get him to touch their private parts or tried to touch his. But the conversation has already started.

3) Bath time is also a great time to make sure you talk to your kids about what are the names of their parts and what are private parts. This is really great as you get them to wash. We have a story where our kids wash their toes and up to their heads. We go over each body part, and the kids wash. We always leave the private parts last, partly because it helps teach kids not to wash their bum and then their face, but to wash their bum last. It also re-enforces the names of their parts and what is ok and not ok. Like it is ok for them to wash them, but someone else should not be touching them.

4) Today in a public bathroom my daughter noticed a dispenser for pads and tampons. She asked what it was. I told her that it was a dispenser for pads and tampons that women use when on their periods. That was good enough for her, she was happy with that answer. I was happy that she asked and I was able to mention to her for the first time about pads, tampons and period. I know that over the years more opportunities will come and I will use them every chance I get. Especially if my kids open the conversation.

By talking with them now I am creating the groundwork for some real conversations latter on. If I don’t get them comfortable about talking to me now, why should they feel comfortable about talking to me about this type of stuff latter. The same goes for me, if I cannot become comfortable about talking to them about something as simple as what their body parts are called, how can I ever have a real talk about sex and every thing that comes with it with them.

I have to admit that part of the “this is a private part/area” conversation came about because my then two year old started hitting me on my breast and hit her dad in the “jewels” so we started using “no touch that is my private area” in self-defence. She still got a time out for hitting, but she also learned that there are some parts on Mom and Dad that she cannot just reach out and grab or hit. That is just as important for kids to know that as it is for them to know others should not be touching them in the same areas.

Dealing with unsolicited parenting advice

Dealing with unsolicited parenting advice

Everyone in the world seemed to be giving me contradicting parenting advice when I was pregnant with my son. I listened to what everyone said, even the extremely obnoxious neighbour who seemed to think she knew it all even though she did not have kids. It seems her friends had them and that was enough to make her an expert on every thing. I smiled and said thanks for the information. When people told me I was doing this wrong, that wrong, I needed these or that I said I would look into it. No matter how ridicules or sensible every piece of unsolicited parenting advice was I took the time to let the people know I heard them. I never said what I would do with their advice.

I was being told every thing from “your breasts are to big, your baby will not be able to breast feed, you better get these bottles and formula” and how I needed to “be able to speed change my kids diaper with one hand.” It was unexpected to have complete strangers telling me what I “needed to know” about having kids. I think I heard every horror story out there about labour, child rearing and what the kids will do and what can happen to them. I smiled and let everyone tell me whatever, and thanked most of them. Though I did start avoiding my obnoxious neighbour.

What did I do about all the advice? Nothing, I found a very good class on everything you needed to know about childbirth, and breast-feeding. And let me tell you I learned more in those two hours a week then I ever expected. I was even able to stop my neighbour by saying, “that does not sound any thing at all like what they said at class”, or “we just covered that in class, thanks for the information though.” That class was worth every penny. It gave me the information I needed to make real informed decisions and a place to question some of the advice being given to me.

My son was born and then it really started. It was like having a baby gives everyone the right to judge what you do or don’t do and give you unsolicited parenting advice. I was recovering from a very bad birth and my stitches became infected. I was on bed rest and antibiotics for 5 weeks after my son was born. I was getting everything like “I was just lazy laying around the house and I needed to get out and do things” and that I was not breastfeeding the right way, I was feeding him to much, my son was overdressed, underdressed, that I spent to much time with my son and just about any other thing you can think of. I checked with the health nurse and my doctor. I let people tell me what they thought I should know and then talked to the people who do know.

So I have two kids of preschool age, and still lots of advice coming my way. I should use this discipline method, that method, I am soft on my kids letting them get away with to much, to hard I should just give them what they want in the store, I should read more to them, I needed to spend less time with them. Again anything you can think of and some things I had not even thought of I got advice on. I started parenting classes that were age appropriate for my kids, or were about issues I needed help on, like discipline, potty training and how to get them to sleep. Most of these classes and seminars are through a free program called Early Years and are done by people who are professionals in this field. Now people can tell me what they want, I know where to go to get information to be able to make informed decisions.

I believe that most people who give all this unsolicited parenting advice are being nice and helpful. They don’t think that it’s rude or unwanted, or know that they are the 10th person that day trying to tell you what to do with your kids. I believe being polite is the way to go, and let them go on their way. However I do come across some people who will just not let things go. My daughter was two and was still emotionally attached to her nummy / soother. We all knew she did not need it, but it was her security blanket and I know soon she would out grow the need for it. But it would be on her time not any one else’s. Every day she would take her nummy to preschool and then give it to us at the door. If we forgot to take it from her before entering the classroom the teacher would make a comment to her about it. We told the teacher that we, her parents, did not have a problems with it and that should have been that. Nope, every time she had the nummy the teacher would make the comment. We finally had to take her aside and explain again that we were the parents and we would decide when to take away the nummy. One of the parents decided to help us one morning by taking our daughter on her lap and told her that if she did not stop using the nummy Santa would not visit her house. Lets just say this lady was told what end was up and to stay away from our kids. I don’t mind if some one wants to tell me what they think I need to know to be a better parent, but I draw the line when they try to Parent my kids. No matter what, remember you are the parent, and you have ways to find out what you need to know to make informed decisions about how to be your child’s parent.

How to keep your teen boy safe when he parties

The best way to keep your teen boy safe when he parties is to have the parties in your home. That way you know where he is, whom he is hanging out with, and what he is doing. It can be stressful having a bunch of teens in your home all the time, making a mess and eating all your food. Is it more stressful then worrying about what your teen boy is up to when he is not in your home? The reality of your home being the party house is slim to none. Teens will go to the home with the least supervision, no adults there, or adults that don’t care.

These days you don’t have much control over your teen boy. Sure you can GPS them, make them check in every hour, drug test them, control most of the money they have unless they have a job, and in some ways control who they hang out with, when and where. But only your son can control his actions and decisions. The best protection for your son when he is outside of your control is for him to be well informed about his options and the consequences of his actions. This means making sure he is well informed about the realities and consequences of sex, drugs, alcohol, crime and violence.

Do not just have the “don’t do drugs, drink, have sex or break the law” conversation. You need to show your teen boy what drugs and alcohol will do to him and his friends. What the real affect drugs and alcohol have on them. How it changes what they think and do, how “dumb” they become under the influence. How over time it changes your physical appearance from young and healthy to sickly and ugly. How it can kill him and his friends in many ways from overdose to being around the wrong people and being killed for the drugs or money. Find a way to show them what detox is actually like. Let them know all the realities about drug and alcohol use, not some Disney version of it.

Sex, well they are going to want to do it. You son needs to know what can happen when he has sex. This includes pregnancy and STD’s. He also needs a clear idea of what is OK and not OK, the “if a person says no it means no” conversation. It is not OK to have sex with a person just because they are too drunk to say no. Keep him safe from misunderstandings and mixed messages. These are things you can talk with him about and help him understand the complexity of having sex with some one. Most people don’t think of it as just sex, so there are the relationship issues to deal with.

Most problems come about because teen boys will do some very stupid things to impress a girl so he can have sex with her. This can lead to fights, and criminal activity like drag racing or theft so he can have the money and clothing to impress her. This is going to be harder to deal with, as you probably have no idea it is going on. Again you have to give them as much information about what is right and wrong and the consequences and then trust them enough to let them make their own mistakes.