Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Pedophiles wives are victims


It was pointed out to me that in my blog Aftereffects, pedophile goes to jail now what I was not as clear as I could be that I feel his wife was and is a victim as well. I don’t think she was anything but a victim in this. That does not mean she does not feel guilt. Guilt because she thinks she should have known, how could she live with someone like that and not know? I don’t ever want to deal with questions like that. One day your life is normal and the next you are the wife of a monster. You loose your identity and instead become the wife of a pedophile, a rapist or a killer. And people ask, “How could you not know?” and it is hard to answer because the same question is running through your head.

The wife or girlfriend of a pedophile feels guilty because she believes she should have seen through to the real person and known what he was doing and somehow stopped it. That somehow she let it happen. The truth is that unless she knew what was going on there was nothing she could have done to make things different. An uncaught pedophile is good at deceiving people otherwise they would have been caught by now. This is what they do. They need to blend in and be well liked and trusted. Pedophiles hide what they do from everyone. It makes sense that they would hide this part of their lives from their loved ones.

Once the pedophile has been found out the wife will often pay the price socially for his crimes. Suddenly people who were friends pull away. It may be that they don’t want to be associated with the pedophile in any way, not even as a friend of the wife. For others it is simply that they have a hard time separating the wife from the husband even though she is innocent. She is the one that is available to put the blame on or become angry at because he is safe in jail. What ever a persons reason it still means loss of friends and social standing for the wife.



For some wives and girlfriends the backlash is so bad that they move and change their names. They cannot live a normal life being connected or associated with a monster. People turn their anger on the person that is available, and often don’t believe that the wife or girlfriend did not know. It is hard to understand that the wife is probably more shocked then anyone else, because they really did not have a clue that this was going on.

What counts is what the wife or girlfriend does once they know. Some support their man because they cannot believe that the man they love is capable of doing something that horrible, it must be a mistake. Often this changes once there is undeniable proof, once they know for sure they accept that this really happened and leave him. Others condemn the man as fast or faster then anyone else. They leave the guy and will often try to help convict him. These ladies were victims. Unfortunately there are some who will hid it or make excuses for their men, like that Grandmother on Dr. Phil last year who hid the fact that her husband was molesting their granddaughter, and as far as I am concerned that makes them an accessory not a victim. So what a person does once they know determines if they are a victim or an accessory, prior to knowing they are just another victim being used by evil.


31 comments:

  1. I'm the oldest of 3 daughters. I recently told my sister that her husband had been making passes at me for months. It's not the first time he's done something inappropriate. He tried molesting my youngest sister when she was 14yrs old. This man at the time was 28-29 yrs old. I broke her the news a couple yrs later but she forgived him right away and we had to pretend that nothing happend. My parents didn't want to rock the boat and all I could do is forget about it. Now he is 40 and made passes at me on several occasions. I'm 34. I was waiting to tell my sister when the time was right. She and him were talking about divorce for other reasons a couple months ago and I thought I wouldn't have to say anything since she was going to leave him this time. So I thought. She forgave him again, and I thought that it's now or never. So I told her about the comments he had made and how uncomfortable he made me feel. I expressed my concerns for my own daughter when she turns into a teen. My husband, mother and little sister all knew about this during the whole entire thing. My little sister would tell me that now I knew what she felt for so long while he and my sister lived with her, mom and dad. We are not talking anymore. My mother and little sister won't come out and support me in my points to my other sister. I don't know how to deal with this. They want to continue to pretend it hasn't happend. Any suggestions?

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  2. “We are not talking anymore. My mother and little sister won't come out and support me in my points to my other sister. I don't know how to deal with this. They want to continue to pretend it hasn't happened. Any suggestions?”
    You are doing what you need to do, taking a stand even though it is causing problems in your family relationships. At least now it is in the open and you are not struggling with a lie, or pretending there was not a problem. Denying that there was a problem and living a in a “lie to protect someone else” is incredibly unhealthy for you.
    Also a lot of people incorrectly feel guilt, even when they are the victim. Often they take on the responsibility or down play the importance of what was done or said. The number of rapes not reported every day is proof of that. They don’t want other people to know. So your little sister and mother want to keep the family secret in the closet and resent that you don’t and will not support you. They don’t want other people to know. Also if your sister and her husband break up they will feel it is their fault, not the husbands. Odd I know, but again it is why so many people get away with things like this.
    If your sister forgave him the first time, she will keep forgiving him. It is either the “us against them”, “I can change him”, or “he will change for me” mentality. Either way she is going to keep on forgiving him almost anything and everything. Don’t expect her to change. I expect he will eventually get caught, and she will forgive him and nothing will change. She may even feel that it is somehow her fault; she was not enough women for him so he looked elsewhere. She will actually try harder to please him so it will not be her responsibility the marriage fell apart. If she cannot keep the marriage together she is somehow failed. Again, odd, but how some people respond to things like this.
    Instead keep yourself and your daughter safe and away from him. Don’t expect your family to change, they want to keep their heads buried in the sand and pretend bad things don’t happen. It is more important that you do what is right for you and your daughter.

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  3. I just found out my spouse of 20+ years had molested my daughter when she was a child, how stupid of me to have been so blind , I trusted him,it all happened while I was having surgeries and he violated my child,all that anger she had against me, the drug usage all because I failed her, me, I had promised her that no one would ever harm her and here I married a monster. She will always receive my support, Oh the guilt for failing to protect her is killing me.I literally punch him in the face and eyes until my hand swelled , he is no longer with us, who would have guess that pillar of the society was a pedophile.

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    1. Hi I would love to talk to you - I am going through the same thing with my husband, only he molested my son right under my nose, and I didn't suspect a thing! How could I be so dense? I am trying to pull together enough money to leave...

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  4. Four years ago today, my husband committed suicide. He was being investigated for sharing child pornography. I won't go into the specifics but I can say that my whole world was turned upside down. I had no idea it was children he was looking at. I will always blame myself for not knowing. I couldn't save him, or the innocent ones he hurt.

    I know he did me a favor taking his own life, not making me go through the humiliation and victimization that surely would have been my lot. When I found out, I called him a lawyer, a doctor specializing in this, and a divorce lawyer but he took his life instead.

    I am happily remarried and have a nice life but this day will always be difficult for me. That is why I was searching for this topic. I am a victim but silent because who can I really talk about this with? I am hurt but so are the children who were used. How can I justify my pain when I compare theirs? I just never tell anyone why he committed suicide. I carry it with me. Thank you for letting me share this.

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  5. OMG OMG OMG, I have been searching for days for a place or someone to answer the millions of quiestions, and the feelings that I am feeling right now. A HUGE THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE, Is this maybe my litte ray of hope that someone will turn me in the right direction as to where i search for help.

    This is going to be long, and some of you will go this is all bs, but I will tell you this, this has been my life, for a year, and than the explosion of my world all in the course of 3 words. Read all if you want, I understand it will be long, but please whoever is out there that can help me make some kind of sense of this whole mess. and comment if desired, I do ask please that no disgusting comments or how could you are desired as I am hearing them already. I just need some guidance on how to deal with this. Thanks in advance for reading this.

    I am a married 47 yr old woman with 2 children and a husband taht treats me like a princess. How nice huh!! Well March 23 last year my life changed when my grandmother who by the way is 91, and I am the primary caregiver of her and my disabled mother and I myself am not working due to disability.
    My grandmother collaspsed while grocery shopping with me, i had to myself clean out her apt and put her in a nursing home,. That took 3 months. My birthday (july1,) my mother called me and said she fell and couldn't get up, and in turn she had broke her knee in 3 places and her nose, and is disabled to start with. she is a widow, who lived on her own and had a huge house full of stuff, (ever seen hoarders). I then had to again by myself clean out her home, which was horriffic, put her in a nursing home after helping her deal with bei ng in hospital and never going home again. Poof that is done, I just finished that Jan 10, then Jan 11, hubby breaks his arm at work, no work for 6 weeks. ( Yes this is all happening, and yes there is a reasonfor telling this) I am trying to get everything set up and not being home for almost a year.
    Two weeks ago Jan. 12 my grandmother had a heart attack and I have been living at the hosptial with her to make sur she is ok and not be scared, I havent slept, in 5 days, and the moment my grandmother was going to leave the hospital, my daughter walks in out of the blue, and tells me my husband molested her!!!!!! HOW THE HELL DO I DEAL WITH ALL OF THIS WHEN MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN MY ROCK THROUGH ALL OF THIS BS I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH, and getting my child safe, (btw, i have left the home with my kids and staying in a hotel, ) She is an adult now, and the laws where I live are different when it happend when she was 14. BEFORE WE WERE MARRIED. I love my children and would go to the ends of the earth for them, I would protect them, ( and I thought i did) and then this. I love my husband with all my heart and yes the words, thoughts, and disgusting things I want to do to him have crossed my mind. How do i decipher my feelings?? How do I move on?? The police were involved but not much, I have tried crisis lines, they are a three month wait, shelters are full, and they have given me number after number after number to no avail. AND BY THE WAY HE HAS AN APPT NEX T WEEK TO SEE A THERAPIST, AND I CAN'T EVEN GET TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE WHO WILL HELP.. GO FIGURE. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE STEER ME RIGHT. I LIVE IN CANADA, SO THAT MAY MAKE A DIFFERENCE LAWS ARE DIFFERENT.

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    1. Oh my dear you are so brave to leave! Hpw are you now?

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  6. o my goodness. I too am a wife of a pedophile. Not something i am proud to exclaim to the world. 14 months ago the police came to my door (four of them) they had search warrant. and seized my husbands computers. I was asked to phone him and get him to come home..but not tell him why. he co-operated and they let my child and i keep our computers; or they would have been seized too.
    My husband had child porn pictures on his computer and has been charged with two counts of Possession of Child Porn. He spent a few hours in jail... and when i picked him up i freaked out at him all he did is cry.
    He has conditions that he can't be around anyone under the age of 18 without a 'supervisor over the age of 25 present'. My child and two adult children were interviewed and there is no evidence that he ever touched anyone. however we still are bound by the conditions.
    I have counselling available to me thru my employer and we have all been getting counselling. My husband has been getting other specialized counseling that costs us a fortune as does the lawyer. Truth is; I may lose my house.
    I chose to stay. Sometimes i think i am an idiot for doing that other times i think i am brave and loyal. I have been asked about trust and i feel that it is not up to me to trust him again. it is up to him to act trustworthy and earn my trust. He knows i may never trust him and might forever have questions. I lost my best friend over this and am very careful to whom i share my story with.
    I am also in Canada. My husbands trial is coming up. He is pleading guilty and will probably do jail time. according to the lawyer anywhere from ten days to six months. this is for two pictures. please warn your family what they are getting into by not paying attention to what they download. My husband kept the two pictures because they hit a nerve and depicted abuse he had gone thru as a child himself.
    that doesn't matter; it is still illegal and wrong and means i am married to a sex offender.. this was not in my vows... this was not the life i envisioned.
    i do stand by him... i do NOT support his behaviours

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  7. I am a 32 year old mother of 3 young boys and I am not certain of whether or not I am the wife of a sex offender. I am so confused. I too have had an experience similar to some of you, the only difference is that my husband's investigation ended unable to determine if he was guilty. Home was searched, computers confiscated and no evidence was ever found that the 8 year old girl that he was supposedly grooming for molestation was actually telling the truth. If she was, I want him out of my life. But since there is no evidence, do I tear apart my family based upon this one little girl's story? Even worse, do I decide not to break apart my family and then wait for an even worse incident if he actually is guilty? I don't know? I am seeing a counselor who wants me to kick him out but when you have a family with someone you have loved for 15 years, it's not so simple.

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    1. you know down deep. Your gut tells you. Listen to it. I didn't. I have never forgiven myself. I'm 69 yrs old now. I was 35 then.
      The best advise I could give you is. Stop thinking its going away. What would you do if it were your little girl.? If you think your boys are or were safe you need to think again. I wish you the very best. Put your love for him aside. THINK !

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  8. Anonymous-Oh God I know. My husband is also a pedophile. In the United states. He was arrested for something that happened 20 years ago with my daughter when she was 12 years old. I had no idea what was going on but found out later. we separated for one year and then got back together. It was not intercourse but was touching and sexual assault of a child under the age of 13. he will do some serious jail time. Right now he is under house arrest due to health conditions that the jail cannot take care of right now-after sentencing it will be another matter they will find him a jail. I still love this man. I have prayed to God to help him and he has been to counseling within the church, we are Catholic, and outside services as well. I feel so lost and torn in half. Between my daughter and my husband. I believe he has changed and in the 20 years I have not seen anything to make me think otherwise. I just don't know if I am standing by him because I still love him or because I just don't know how to live without him.

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  9. I am the woman whose husband committed suicide. We need support. I hope that Lady M will understand and will allow me to offer this link to a new yahoo group I opened so that we can help each other and get the support we need.

    http://groups.yahoo.com/group/SilentVictims/

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  10. to be a wife of a diagnosed pedophile but he was never prosecuted and is not guilty of the abuse my 5 y/o daughter accused him of and had to fight a 79,000 custody fight and was called a liar by the same people in cps that told me to leave him. police didn't do their job and they didn't get him to admit or even seize his computer if they had then it would have had him locked up for years but they didn't and instead I was left to deal with trying to protect my daughter and get called a liar too it was soooo difficult to deal with b/c not only wasn't he prosecuted but was diagnosed a pedophile and then I HAD TO PROTECT MY DAUGHTER ALL WHILE THE LAW GAVE HIM RIGHTS TO SEE HER BUT AFTER 7 YEARS I WAS ABLE TO PROTECT HER ULTIMATELY BUT IT IS RARE MOST MOTHERS HAVE TO HAND THEIR CHILDREN OVER TO BE RAPED ON WEEKENDS BY PEDOPHILE FATHERS. IF YOU THINK YOUR CHILD IS BEING MOLESTED SET UP A CAMERA OVER HER BED OR WHERE YOU THINK HE COULD BE MOLESTING HER AND PUT HIS BUTT IN JAIL OTHERWISE YOU ARE THE WIFE OF A PEDOPHILE AND HE CAN MAKE YOU CRAZY BY MOLESTING YOUR CHILD BY COURT ORDER WHO WILL GIVE HIM RIGHTS TO ACCESS YORU CHILD HIS COURT ORDERED ACCESS TO HIS VICTIM AND YOU AHVE NO ONE TO BELIEVE YOU. GET HIM ON CAMERA BEFORE YOU LEAVE

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  11. We are here, we will always be here and the longer and harder you fight....the stronger we become. We are law makers, we are law enforcement, we are the teachers in your schools, the ones who bag your groceries, the ones who service your AC units on hot days, the ones who drop off your mail, we work at Disney Land and none of us look alike. And the cold reality of it....not all Pedophiles are Sex offenders. Most of us never get caught.

    Food for thought....

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  12. I hurt so much because my husband of 11 years is being prosecuted for molesting my daughter and two of her friends. I feel sick all the time, I've lost 60 lbs in 9 months, I have been stared at, photographed, our house was put on TV months after he'd left with a close up of our address... I can't believe I didn't suspect him - I'm usually a really good judge of character... and I loved him... still love the person he claimed to be.. hate who he really is... Im just so tired all the time and I spent the first few months not making even an hour before bawling. Now I don't cry at all, I'm so numb. I am just floating through life because we had everything and he took it all away. I'm left alone with four kids who are all terribly damaged and so am I, and how does a person even start to deal with that? I feel like I have blinders on and put one foot in front of the other but I've ceased to really live. The man I met is extraordinarily kind and knows our situation, but I still feel distanced, numb. I hurt so much but it's like it's under a layer of skin... does that make sense? Maybe I'm just used to the hurt. I work all the time, trying to provide... I left a beautiful house and town to live in a housing assistance apartment where there are drugs, abuse... I hate my life. I hate that my kids have to deal with this. And he tries to make ME feel guilty.
    Today is our anniversary. I'm so sad for what could have been had he kept his hands to himself. We lost everything. our future, our security, our "complete" family... even our pets. And my kids... they lost their innocence.

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  13. Hi. I have not shared my story but want to lend you support. I am thinking of you and of all of us that must deal with the results of the actions of those we love.

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  14. 2 and a half years ago i discovered that my husband of 15 years was not only gay but also a child sex offender. My home was raided by 6 police officers who confiscated computers, files, everything that could possibly be linked to him. They found thousands of images and a relationship with a 16 year old boy.

    This pillar of society, a teacher in a catholic private school, a card carrying catholic was actually a pedophile.

    My world, and that of my 2 children, shattered in an instant. I divorced him as quickly as possible and have absolutely nothing to do with him. He us not allowed near my children and they refuse to acknowledge him. I live in a small country town in Australia, his photo was plastered all over the news papers and web, there was no hiding from it. I left town with my children for a few months, not knowing what to do, when my then 12 year old son said "why do we have to run away we did nothing wrong. Why should we lose our friends and support?". Out of the mouths of babes! We stayed in our small town. We changed our surnames, for our sakes, not to hide. The children returned to their school(where he was a teacher). I returned to my job at the local catholic primary school. I lost my home but I have my children and that is all that matters.

    Everyday I feel like I have a huge neon sign over my head "pedophiles wife". Yes I feel humiliated that I didn't know, didn't have any clue. But as he told me when I confronted him after the police let me talk to him "you were never meant to find out". This man lied about everything in his life to me, to his children, to everyone except his sick perverted friends. One of the worst things is that his mother and father blame me. How, I have no idea! They have lost their grandchildren through this because of their nonexistent support. It's their loss.

    Do I hate him with all my breath..... ABSOLUTELY! I will go to his funeral, when he leaves this world, to dance!

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  15. I am adding to the comments an email I recieved.

    Thank you for writing your recent Blog article entitled Pedophiles' Wives are Victims. I have been dating a wonderful woman for nearly a year who was shocked and devastated to discover that her husband of eight years, who she adored, had molested both of her daughters when they were very young (prepubescent... and too young to understand what was happening). As you can imagine, she lives with an intolerable amount of guilt for "not recognizing" what was happening... From the outside looking in, it is easy to see that a pedophile is by design skilled at gaining trust, creating a normal family/friends environment and hiding his actions but for a mom whose children were hurt, this must be exceedingly difficult to see objectively. It is interesting that very few books or articles on the subject of incest or molestation address this issue and in fact, several cast blame on the non-abusing parent finding them somehow complicit in the molestation. While this may be true in some cases where a spouse ignores a situtation for what I suspect might be a myriad of emotional reasons, it is certainly not true for the spouse who upon discovering the crime, immediately reports the abuse and leaves the abuser. I recognize that you are not a professional in this field, but I want to thank you for expressing your viewpoint which I believe is right on target and certainly so for my girlfriend. There is probably another article's worth of material concerning what it takes to date and or marry a woman who has found herself in this situation... but we should leave that for another time:-)). Once again I thank you for your thoughful overview of this subject. Have a great afternoon.

    Always,
    D

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  16. I am glad my posting name is anonymous, because both my sons were molested, and my ex husband was a sex addict. (He is now deceased.) I encourage anyone who's life has been touched by the sexual behavior of another person to get in touch with one of the SANON family groups. They operate on the same priciples as AA - the 12 steps and anonymity. Going there saved my life, and I hope it can help yours.

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  17. I am not sure if I should be posting here, as I am no longer with the man. I too was married to a paedophile, who I finally chucked out the house. I suffered the same doubts as many of you did, believed excuses that in retrospect were inplausible and tried to ignore the gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach that would not go away. Finally I confronted him, told him he needed help. I remember him laughing at me and telling me there was nothing wrong with him. That was the day I acted upon the gnaw and threw him out. It has been over 12 years now but the feelings of bitterness and resentment still run deep. I have no idea whether he infact has abused a child, I pray to god not. All I know is that he never got the chance to abuse my girls. What frustrates me the most is knowing that he is a ticking timebomb and that there is nothing that I can do about it. Naturally, his family do not believe me and I have no valid proof to take to the authorities. His smugness at his own cleverness to avoid detection is sickening. His blatant exhibitionism in displaying photographs of him surrounded by children is like salt to a raw wound.

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  18. On Dec. 18, 2011 I found out that my husband was a pedophile. I was floored. Torn apart. Lost. So many words to describe what has been going through my mind. Not only is he a pedophile... he has been doing it to our 6 yr old son. INCEST! WTH! How could the man I loved do this? Be this? He was the president of the PTA, worked in security, held a position in our district for the democratic party. What have I missed. 7 yrs together. We had been trying to have another baby. So much to take in... Why, How??? It is now April 2012 and my son and I have relocated. And now I have to deal with being a single parent. I went from 2 incomes to NO INCOME. Living on assistance and family help. How did I get here. Well I know one answer.. I BELIEVED MY CHILD RIGHT AWAY. I just figured he was to little to make something like this up. Doesn't mean I didn't have that little doubt saying "maybe it's wrong". But since I am my childs #1 advocate I knew what I needed to do. Befor we left our home for another state I went and visited my husband in jail. I just had to hear it from his mouth. Just hear him tell me he did this. And he did. It blew me away. How could I have loved someone for so long and not know this??? I found out that he was sexually assaulted as a child. Well so was I, but I have NEVER thought to do something like this. Actually, I have worried about this and have been over protected when it comes to things like this. He and I have talked with our son about "proper touhching" and he was doing this! So now, while I am dealing with all the hurt and pain of myself and our child, he is sitting in jail. He is facing 7 counts of 1st degree felony criminal sexual penetration of a minor under 13, 2 counts of a 2nd degree felony of criminal sexual contact with a minor under 13 (unclothed), 2 counts of 3rd degree felony criminal sexaual contact of a minor under 13 (clothed), and 1 count of a 2nd degree felony of intimidated/threatening of a witness. WOW! If they gave him day for day for his charges he is face 183 yrs! HOLY CRAP! That in its self is so much to deal with. It takes my breath away. What about our life he promised? What about all our plans... where do I go from here? We will never be together again. He broke a trust that is not repairable. I have had such a hard time. Both of our families have been hit hard by this. No one would have ever thought something like this would happen. He wasn't a creepy guy! As soon as my son and I moved the local news ran 2 stories about him! My friends have been so supportive. But I am left heartbroken in a way I have never felt befor. My life has been stolen from me. My son has lost his father. He is angry and hurt. MOSTLY AT ME! I have gotten us both in therapy in hopes it will help us both heal. I believe he will but I am not sure I ever will. How do I move on? How will I ever trust another man? EVERYONE HAS BECOME A PREDITOR! That is overwhelming. I know it is all so fresh and I need to be gentle with myself but I only have myself to beat up right now. Not my husband. I feel like I haven't been processing this the "proper" way. I'm not as angry as I "feel" I should be. I'm angry he hurt our child but I am so angry that all of our dreams together are gone! Sometimes, I think I have just completely lost it. I miss him. I miss the companionship. His laugh. His smell. All of it. But then I remember what he has done and it makes me want to scream! WHY WHY WHY DID YOU DO THIS!!!!!????? I know I am just all over the place. But I just need to get this out there. Thank you all that shared. Your stories have helped me know I am not alone in this.

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  19. I found out my husband is a pedophile I questioned his family and I screamed at the top of my lungs I called the police. His family knew they and they didn't tell me. He molested his daughter and she didn't tell me. He molested his grandson and the grandchildren knew and they didn't tell me. He molested my granddaughter and she told but lied so the police thought it was nothing. Even when I asked they didn't tell me. They claimed they could not reveal others information. One said he never hurt her but he did her brother. Well then I knew it was true. One of his grandsons and his dad and I faced my husband and he admitted it. He is older then I am and I will not divorce him. I will not have children at my house. I go to their homes. I want his pension and social security benefits and I will hang on until he dies and then I will be free. One of his daughters he molested sent her children to be with him every weekend. In my home as I slep he molested that boy in my house. My husband tells me it was not as bad as I think. Is he kidding. My advice is secrets kill families. Tell your secrets save someone. And the men are never too old. My husband is 85 and was after my 8 year old granddaughter. When he molested my 18 year old granddaughter 10 years ago we had a very active sex life. They are never to old.

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    1. I am so sorry for you. I completely understand what your going through

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  20. I am looking for help for a friend. She is Chinese immigrant to the United States and her English is not very good and was told by her husband that he was going to jail for having a few pictures of 17 year old girls. WELL, she found out today from a lawyer that he actually had pornographic pictures of babies. She is being harrassed by her neighbors and one in particular is very mean and harsh to her we will call him Mr. Miserable. She has contacted the local authorities and they choose not to help her. She installed security cameras because recently her air conditioning unit was vandalized and Mr. Miserable recently called the police and told them that she hit his dog on purpose even though the dog was not injured and also the dog was roaming on a public street. I believe the dog may have run under her car but don't believe that she actually ran the dog over. Mr. Miserable also has his dog use her lawn as a bathroom because he knows that she is trying to sell her house to get away from them. This same lawyer today told her she has no choice but to move because these people can do this. Is this true? I didn't think harrassment was acceptable from anyone. Can anybody help direct me so that I can help her.

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  21. WOW- my thoughts are with all of you.. I am in the middle of trying to kick my partner of 12 years out of our lives.. I over heard my daughter (7) say something to her brother (9) that completely floored me and completey implicated their Dad - then I found out by accident that he was arrested on a minor charge a few months ago while out of town on business - Now after kicking him out of the house he just keeps behaving all charming and innocent and as if he can work things out - he is going on a course and I don't want to call the police in because of the shame for the kids and me--as you have all talked about. But I am now feeling guilty because of friends that he still sees and they don't know about him and I just want him to leave town.... We also work together from our house for someone else so I would like to get him sacked but not so easy.. So I am going crazy trying to deal with this also.. He is out of the house and to top it all off my kids really still love their Dad and are upset about us seperating!!! And no one seems to talk about that either- kids still loving their dad even after abuse...So I am thinking I will get blamed by my kids if I go to police!!!!!
    Reading your stories helps knowing I am not alone.. But I have not many friends to talk with until I decide what to do...

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  22. please someone tell me what to do. i am 8 months pregnant and last night discovered my husband got erections on child pornography he is 30 years old, he might harm my baby, what is the best way to deal with it???!!!!

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    1. Dear Anonymous - pregnant and husband getting erections on child pornography. This is going to be hard for you but the answer is easy for me, go to the police. If he has child pornography that is a crime, this also means that he and the people he hangs out with may be a threat to your children and other children around them. You say he gets an erection from child porn. That means he owns child porn which is a crime. Also you may love him but you need to put your child first, love that child enough to protect him or her from someone who already sees children as sex objects. You would not accept a stranger on the street to treat your child as a sex object, so why would you have someone who sees your child as a sex object in your home? Another thing – how will you feel if you find out he is acting on this, and having sex with children? You don’t want to be the wife of a pedophile and you don’t want your child to be sexually abused. Simple.

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  23. Dear Lori-Lee, thanks for your support, I'm loosing my mind, but I must tell you that i'm not from the states or from any other rich country where the authorities really do care about the mothers or children. I live in a pour country in the South East Europe, where the police doesn't really care about these kinds of matters + I don't own real facts so I can prove it, the child porn is not his, uses the net porn sites.

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  24. 5 weeks ago I received a call from my sister saying her daughter was accusing my husband of 6 years, partner for 13, of heinous things. He is now sitting in jail and the current charges are (2) 1st degree sexual assault of a child under 10 - Intercourse and exposing a child to harmful material. I have a 10 and 4 year old boy with this man. I'm only 28 and moved in with his family when I was 16. I don't know anything else. And now I don't know anything. I don't know what to do. After a visit with the detectives yesterday I'm told they have high reason to believe he was trading pictures of my niece with other people online. I'm told the harmful material that she was exposed to is images and videos of me and my husband. I knew we had a couple, but the detectives say there is a lot. I feel so horrible for my niece, it kills me. But I only have so much strength to give and my two boys get it all right now. I feel like my husband tore my whole family apart. My sister was my best friend and now we can't even talk while both of our worlds are falling apart. After the visit with the detectives yesterday I feel so violated knowing that the whole time in that room while they are talking to me they know everything about my body. They specified pictures to me in detail along with date and time. How can they remember that information so well and not my body? I feel guilty for not hurting more for my niece. Is this wrong? When I talk to my mother and say that I feel so violated all she says is that I am not, my niece is violated. If my mom won't acknowledge me as a victim also in this or not worry about my mental health is it wrong to feel jealousy for so little support from my mom? My sister hasn't been raising my niece, my mom and stepdad have been. But does that make me less her daughter? Now there is little talk about my oldest son possibly being a victim. He is all clammed up since dad went away. Dad was his best friend, they did everything together. He is barely talking to me and hates all the police, especially after serving their search warrant on our house with absolutely no respect for our belongings. (We have $350 in damages in misc. items and medication all over the floors) I finally had a talk with him last night about "why" his dad was in jail and he clammed up again, but I feel we made some progress. He won't admit the things I am hearing he was involved in, but I think we will get there. And I'm terrified to find out if he did something to our boys. We will try to talk again soon, but not too soon. Now here is my biggest question/concern: is it wrong to take the kids to see their dad still? Their life is upside down right now and dad was a stay at home dad while I worked full time. That man raised them to where they are today. I am picking up these pieces and I think I am doing it somewhat gracefully, but I'm scared to tear them from their dad anymore. They want to see him and know what to expect if they do. And lastly, I hate my husband. I really really do for everything that my family as well as his is going through. But I am a sensitive caring person and is it wrong that I can't turn off my care for him? I've tried but I can't. I love him as a human and as a friend for 13 years. He was my best friend. He knew everything about me. He did take care of me, though not always a good man in our arguing. He was rather abusive (mentally and physically) there. When I think of him in prison for the rest of his life (We know nothing about length of time, he hasn't even been convicted yet) I hurt for him. I intend on being someone he can talk to for the rest of his life, but maybe not the boys because I don't know for sure if he abused them or not. Is this wrong? cuz I really don't know what is right and people are judging my every move. All I know is I have a handful of friends right now and am scared of anyone else. But I fully intend on divorcing him after I get my life back in order.

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  25. im trying to start a new relationship 15 years after finding out my husband was committing incest with my daughter. And im simply afraid to trust.

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