What do you mean my son has ADHD and ODD

For years I have been trying to improve my parenting skills. I knew I was lacking in them. I had poor examples growing up. So when things were hard I assumed I was doing something wrong. Or I should say: I could be doing things differently. I tried parenting groups and parenting classes. Some of them helped. I learned a lot. I tried to do most of it with little or limited success.

I tried harder. I asked for help. I asked Children’s aid come in help me figure out what was wrong. Well I was sent to a program called the incredible years. It was very help full and informative. But again I only had limited success. I had a very hard time connecting with my kids. I did not have fun with them. I did not want to play with them. I tried to explain what it was like. No one seemed to get it. I thought I was a bad parent because it was so hard. One lady told me at incredible year’s course, “You are supposed to want to play with your kids, what is wrong with you!”

The good thing was that I had asked for someone to come in and help me figure out what I was doing wrong. What did the home visitor from children’s aid tell me after months of coming over to teach me how to play with my kids? It was not me. Sure I had skills to learn still, but no I was a good parent. My kids were classified as being difficult. They directed me to a program called 0-6 at the Shedoks children’s mental health.

After months of observation it was decided to have my son looked at by a special doctor. Conclusion is that my son has ADHD and ODD. I cried. Not because I was happy knowing that there was a real problem and it was not my parenting. No it was because my son is going to struggle for a long time. He will have social issues and problems at school. He now has a label.

The good thing is that the medication he is on is helping him. He is now able to do school work. He is getting along with other children, and playing with them. His violence level has been greatly reduced. More important is that other children want to play with him. He is being included now, not feared and rejected.

For me it was a shock to find out that this is the way it is supposed to be. Not the stressed out unhappy child and parents. My son is fun to be around now. I love hearing what he has to say and what his opinions are. He is a different child. Still very difficult because of the ODD, but way better then the way things were. Now I love being around my kids and playing with them.

No filter on mouth, asset or hindrance?

Over the years I have learned that I have no filter on my mouth. This means I say what I am thinking, good or bad. I don’t play politics, office or otherwise. I have found this to be harmful in work situations and people can find me difficult to be friends with. I don’t seem be able to identify boundaries and keep them. This is something I am working on as I see it as a hindrance. So imagine my surprise when I went for coffee with some ladies I met at a self-esteem group and they both said they envy me because I don’t have a filter on my mouth.

They both felt that they compromised all the time, and would say what ever would make someone else happy. This was a big problem for both of them. They could never be themselves and were both very unhappy with this. They wanted to be able to say what they were thinking. Too have the confidence to be themselves and not always be playing the politics game. It was a very different viewpoint from mine. I never thought that people would admire my bluntness and openness.

There really is no point to not be honest with yourself and others. If I am having a problems what is the point of hiding it if I am looking for help. If I cannot admit to the people I am turning to for help what the real issues are how can they help me? If some one asks me to help them then they expect real answers from me, not ones that will make them feel better or what they want to hear. People who turn to me for help know I am going to be brutally blunt and honest for good and bad. If you don’t want the truth don’t ask me. I am not afraid to talk about sex and sexuality and other sensitive topics such as parenting issues and anger and that intimidates and scares some people. But at the same time I do it in a non-judgemental way, so people feel comfortable to talk about anything with me. What I need to tone down is the over sharing of my personal life or feelings in a business situation. I may be having the conversation with the right person, but not the right environment. I need to learn how to fit in and not make others uncomfortable when I have to work with them. My solution is to be my own boss, and be myself. I am over opinionated, unashamed and blunt as a sledgehammer, but still caring and kind, just very honest with others and myself.

So what do you think would you rather be? Someone who blurts things out at inappropriate moments, blunt as all can be but is honest to themselves and others or to spend so much time trying to fit in and keep everyone happy that you loose yourself? I am so glad that they took the time to let me know how they feel because it let me see how blessed I am to not have a filter on my mouth, heart or soul.

Balancing a Child’s safety with the need for free exploration: parenting past and present.

Balancing a child’s safety with the need for free explorations is handled differently today then it was in the past. Why, because each generation has learned from the mistakes of the last generation and technology has changed. Sure we don’t let our kids play in the kitchen when we cook, we put gate up so they cannot get in. Why, because too many kids were burned and we learned to do things differently. We don’t let our kids bike with out a helmet, or at least the helmet is on when we can see them. Why, because we like our kids to not have brain injuries. We keep our kids wired to us by cell phones and some times GPS trackers. Why, don’t we trust our kids? Yes, about as much as our parents trusted us and I am sure if my Mom could have put a GPS on me back then she would have. This gives us some feeling of safety for our kids as kids can be and are picked up off the streets every day.

Does keeping your child out of the kitchen when you cook prevent them from learning hot don’t touch, or this is how you make dinner? No, they can still observe out of harms way and we can do other activities together that teach in a less harmful environment. Does making your child put their helmet on when biking hold them back, no. Is making them call you at specific times on their cell prevent them from exploring the world, no but it lets them know that you care about them. In some ways it even lets them explore more, we can find them or check in with them at any time, it just takes a call and we know what is going on. Or as much as they tell us, there is still trust issues out there.

I am not saying that our parents did not try to keep us safe, just that our perceptions of what needs to be done to keep our kids safe is different. I am sure our children will also have a different view on what is safe and what is not. Parents in the past said, “Don’t put any thing into the electric socket”, we say the same thing but now have little plug caps to put into them to help remove the temptation. Trust me if a kid is determined to stick some thing into the electric outlet they will find a way. But that is why we tell our kids not to and have better fuses to shut off the electricity if they do. We still tell our kids, don’t play by the pool, and don’t go in the pool if we are not with you. However, we now put fences up with motion detectors on the gate and special motion detectors on the pool to give us warning if someone is in the water.

We have better ways of keeping our children safe now; it does not hamper our children’s need for free exploration. We are not keeping our kids from exploring; we are just making sure it is in a safer environment. We don’t leave guns, or matches in places where kids can get to them and tell them don’t play with that, it is not a toy. We lock them up (the guns and matches, not the kids). Our kids can still learn that guns and matches are not a toy with out being put into a situation where they harm themselves or others. I like to think that we have come a long way from the time of having seat belts but not using them to having car seats and buster seats with special belting to keep them safe.

About 10 years ago my friends parents where babysitting their grandson. He had just started to go from crawling to trying to pull himself up. The Grandmother made her husband his tea like usual. She boiled the water, put the bag in and then put it on the end table by the couch. The little boy used that table to pull himself up. The table fell, the hot tea burned him so bad he had to go to the hospital for 3rd degree burn treatment and his chest will be scarred for life. As a result of this I always made sure I used a travel mug with a lid around my kids, that I took my cup with me when I left a room, or made sure it was in a high, secure place. My kids learned my cup was hot and that they were not to touch it. Did I stop putting my cup in a safe place, no, just for my own peace of mind. I learned from the mistakes of others, as I hope my children will learn from my mistakes.

Ignoring is a wonderful tool when dealing with kids

Now please note that this is not ignoring a child but to praise positive behaviors and to not acknowledge negative behaviors that are not harmful. The idea is that if we give positive attention when children are doing what we see as being good we are reinforcing the positive behavior. This would be if your child was helping tidy up and you tell him or her what a big help they are being or when they are playing nicely with other kids and you tell them how proud you are that they are doing such a great job sharing. This will encourage your child to continue this because they get attention from you.

The ignoring comes in when a child is doing what we the parents see as behaving badly. This is when you child asks for a cookie before dinner and when told “No” has a tantrum. The idea is to not pay any attention to the screaming child on the floor doing everything he or she can to get that attention. As long as they are not harming themselves, others or damaging things let them scream and cry. They are still not getting the cookie. If we feed into it and try to calm them down or explain why they cannot have a cookie they are getting attention and will more then likely keep it up. If you know that when you say, “No you cannot have a cookie now, it is almost dinner time” that a tantrum will start instead give him or her an alternative to the tantrum or cookie by saying, “No, you cannot have a cookie now, it is almost dinner time, can you help set the table.” That may divert them from the tantrum.

However if the tantrum starts just ignore that behavior. They don’t need to get your attention for negative behavior. Let them cry and scream, don’t look at them, don’t show any interest in what they are doing by word, body language or facial expression. Make sure everyone ignores this. Eventually the child will figure out that this is getting them exactly nothing, no attention and no cookie. Think about it as an adult, you feel kind of silly ranting and raving about something if no one pays any attention. It works the same with kids to. First they will increase the level of the tantrum to get your attention, once they don’t get it they eventually stop. After you do this several times kids will actually reduce the number of tantrums and the severity of the tantrums because it is not getting them anything.

It is very important that once the bad behavior is over you quickly find a good behavior to complement or praise them on. This quickly re-enforces that positive behavior gets them attention, negative does not. It has been found that if we give our kids lots and lots of positive attention with words, body language and facial expression all day and ignore the negative behaviors the negative behaviors reduce. Ignoring is one of the hardest parenting skills to master. It is hard on us to see our kids upset; we want them to be happy. It is stressful having a kid screaming and crying and not do anything about it. You want to make them stop, it is hard to not try to make your kid stop telling them to stop or explaining why they cannot have the cookie. In the long run though, ignoring is an incredibly useful tool. We just have to give ourselves permission to ignore a behavior and then train ourselves to do so.

Have you told your kids how wonderful they are today?

There have been all these studies that have shown that you don’t spoil your child by praising them. It is actually more positive to consistently praise your child for trying then it is for completing the goal. It gives them the confidence to keep trying, improves their self-esteem. The best part is that if we the parents are constantly giving praise for the good things they do, even when they don’t succeed, we are giving them positive attention. They are less likely to act out trying to get any attention. I like that, I can tell my kids how great they are doing and we both win, they feel positive about themselves and don’t go off the deep end trying to get my attention. I feel a lot better being able to tell them they are doing something great then spending all my time trying to get them to behave.

So can you tell I have been taking “The incredible years” course? Our youngest just turned three and suddenly we had this uncontrollable screaming child that nothing would make happy. If her brother has something she has to have the same one he does. The very same one, from his plate or hand. Nothing else will do. She will say; “I want that one!” and point to what ever we were going to hand our son. Some times we would not even know what would set her off, she would just have a full blown tantrum and the more we tried to find out what was wrong the louder and longer the tantrum would become. She would get upset if we tried to comfort her and if we tried to leave her alone. It was a no win situation. We had no idea on how to deal with this sudden behavior change. We called for help and were signed up for the very next “The incredible years” course.

It is working and has improved our lives. Our son is no longer asking if we are bringing her back home from Daycare. He did not want us to. We had to make some big changes on just how we interact with our kids. Most important is that we actually play with them, not just supervise or be available but actually get down on the floor and play. We had to start thinking about what we were saying and what it means to us and what it means to the kids. What does Behave actually mean? We may be asking them not to jump, or to stop hitting each other, or to walk with us in the store, or any number of things but we say, “behave” instead of what we actually want. What does behave mean to a child? If one day we say behave means to not fight with each other, and the next day to stop climbing the couch we should not be surprised if our kids don’t know what we expect from them when we use the word behave.

The most powerful thing we learned though is to tell our kids positive things about themselves all through the day, not just when they have done something perfect. That they are doing something positive is worth praising, even when it is something they do all the time. The more positive things you tell your kids decreases the negative comments and discipline required. By focusing on the behaviors we consider good and ignoring the ones that we consider bad (but not dangerous) the positive behaviors increase, the bad ones decrease. Mind you the negative ones will increase for a bit until they get used to the positive feedback, you just have to make it through the transition and then stay consistent and life with your children should be easer and more fun.

We noticed a change right away, first an increase in the negative and then suddenly a dramatic decrease. Though our daughter is considered difficult and strong willed we have reduced the big tantrums for the most part, and we like that a lot. She is constantly testing us but it is no longer the full-blown wars we were having with her. We don’t feed into it anymore. What has freed us is knowing that we don’t have to win every battle but to pick our battles instead, to acknowledge what we like and ignore for the most part what we don’t. Tantrums don’t last that long if they don’t get the attention, and don’t get their way no matter how much they scream. The more you tell your kids how wonderful they are the more wonderful they actually become.

How to tell if your child has a speech problem

Children all develop at different rates and other children should not be used to compare your child’s speech development. One child may be able to properly us P or M at 1/1/2 years and another may not until they are 3 years old. To be able to figure out how your child is doing with speech you need to know what are realistic expectations, and when to get help. It is important to identify problems with speech as soon as possible and find out if it is a delay or a disability. They are treated differently, but if a delay is not caught in time it can be seen as a disability. The sooner a delay is identified and treated the easer it is bring that child up to the same leave as their peers.

The first thing you need to know is when should a child be able to make specific sounds. How can you tell where your child is in speech if you don’t know where your child should be? More often then not we the parents will either have unrealistic expectations and think our child should be further then they are, or we will not realize that our child needs help because we are used to the way they speak and can understand them. Please take a look at the sound list below and the time lines on it and see where your child is and where they should be.

The second thing you need to know is when to start looking for ways to help your child if they don’t have a sound yet. This is usually about the half point of an age rage children are expected to have the sound by. For example P is between 1 ½ to 3 years so if your child is two and a few months and does not have it then you need to start helping them develop that sound. However if your child still does not have it at the far end of the age range then you need to start looking to find out if your child needs some help, are they delayed or have a hearing issue, do they need speech therapy.

Sounds are learned at different ages depending on how difficult they are to say. The chart below shows the age range during which each sound is learned.

Sounds Can start as early as (in years)
Time to help if not using sound yet (in years)
Should be using thesound in words at all times (in years)

P (pin) 1 ½ years Between 2 and 2 ½ 3 years
M (monkey) 1 ½ Between 2 and 2 ½ 3
H (hat) 1 ½ Between 2 and 2 ½ 3
N (nail) 1 ½ Between 2 and 2 ½ 3
W (wagon) 1 ½ 2 ½ 3 ½
B (ball) 1 ½ Between 3 and 3 ½ 4
K (kite) 2 3 4
G (girl) 2 3 4
D (dog) 2 3 4
T (toe) 2 4 6
Ng (Wing) 2 4 6
F (finger) 2 ½ Between 3 and 3 ½ 4
Y (yo-yo) 2 ½ Between 3 and 3 ½ 4
R (rabbit) 3 4 ½ 6
L (lamb) 3 4 ½ 6
S (sun) 3 5 ½ 8
CH (chick) 3 ½ 5 7
SH (shoe) 3 ½ 5 7
Z (zipper) 3 ½ Between 5 and 5 ½ 8
J (juice) 4 5 ½ 7
V (vase) 3 5 ½ 8
Th (thumb) 4 ½ Between 5 ½ and 6 7
TH (feather) 5 6 ½ 8
ZH (treasure) 6 Between 7 and 7 ½ 8 ½

If you think your child may need some help but don’t know how to help them get these sounds, or if they are and the end of the age range and still don’t have the sounds please check out the Early Words website. They have information to help you and more.

Early Words is the umbrella organization of Hamilton's preschool speech and language services for young children. Parents, childcare providers and other professionals working with young children can call for information about children's speech and language development and workshops. They have a web site, www.ascy.ca/ew_ages.htm, which will let you compare your child’s development from 3 months to 6 years with what is considered to be normal development. They can tell you what you can do to help your child develop.

Good, old-fashioned fun for kids: Activities that don't involve TV or a computer

As parents we want to give our children every opportunity possible. If we have the money we enrol our children into after school and summer time activities. When we do not have the money it is much harder to involve our children in activities that don’t involve TV or computer. Even more so when our children are latch key kids and we don’t control what they do from the time they get home and we do. There are places that it is just not safe to let our children hang out. At the park with their friends, or even ride their bikes around the block. As parents we have the job of finding safe activities for our children that does not always involve TV or a computer.

The younger our children are the easier it is for us to expose them to all kinds of activates. They actually still like spending time with us. So we need to get them interested in some thing other then TV, video games and the computer. Most younger kids will prefer to spend time playing with their parents, siblings and friends then watching TV or being on the computer. So as long as we are willing to play with them and have activities to do it is easy to control younger children’s TV and computer usage. The best part is that as we spend more time with our kids playing and paying attention to them we will usually notice improvements in their behaviours. They are getting positive attention from us and will usually reduce negative behaviours they were using to get our attention. We also get to know our kids better, and they are learning so much just by playing with us or doing fun activities. It is a win win situation. The real question is what do 8 to 12 year old children like to do? You want activities they enjoy and be safe doing.

After school programs are wonderful for both boys and girls. Where we live there are programs for almost any thing you can think of; Karate or self-defence, dance, music or band, cooking, astronomy, 4H club, any sports, gymnastics, swimming, marching band, computer club, chess, even a go cart racing club. The options are only limited by location, availability of the program and money. There are quite a few programs that have a different price rate for lower income families, like our local recreational community centre and pool. They let us pay less to join and get our children into different programs. City Kids, YMCA, YWCA and many church groups also have free programs or are priced for lower income families.

For activities in the home parents have to find something their children like, and then be supportive and whenever possible participate with them. Here are some in home activities, please note that some will require adult supervision.

Games: board or others like the Yugioh card game.
Crafts and art: Sculpting with wire, clay or paper mache. Jewelry designing and making. Ceramics, painting, drawing, model making, and needle crafts.
Writing: Poems, stories, songs, or plays.
Designing clothing: learn how to make, alter or accessories clothing.
Cooking: from helping with a meal, making cakes and cookies to making the meal with adult supervision. Creating new foods, trying new foods can all be fun. This one also helps get kids to eat their vegetables and try new things.
Designing and building: Lego’s, building sets, wood or cardboard. Kits are great here, miniatures can add a lot.
Theatrical arts: Singing, dancing, learning to play a musical instrument, make plays and act in them, learning magic tricks.
Science: CSI kits, Spy kits, Chemistry kits are all great ways to stimulate children’s interest.

These are great activities that do not involve TV or a computer. They let our children grow and explore. Just right to keep our children entertained and safe. What is important is that we turn off the TV and the computer. If we want our kids to be doing something other then watching TV or being attached to the computer then we cannot tell them to not do it only to go do it ourselves. As hard as it is going to be we that adults have to also reduce our TV and computer time and do other things, and if we are luck it will be with our kids if they let us. What is the point of going to all the effort of finding what your kids like, set it up only to have you go sit in front of the TV or computer. That is not going to work. To keep our kids doing activities, we have to be setting a good example and become active ourselves.

So who is standing outside your door, and how safe are you?

Today I had to think about how smart I am when it comes to me knowing verses using safety tips. What made me question it? My kids were looking out the window saying that some one was banging on our door. I looked out the window and called for my husband to come up from the basement. Then I opened the door, why, the guy had a uniform on and looked official. I was thinking that there was another problem with the water pipes like last weekend. It turns out he was one of those pushy sales guys that go door to door for Union Energy. He would not leave until my husband came up and said no thank you. James then asked me why I had called him. “There was a strange guy at our door, of course I want you to come up just in case.”

Then I thought about it. If it was dark I would not have opened my door, I would have talked through the door until I knew what the guy wanted. I know better then to open the door, today I failed the test. I opened it because I saw the official looking uniform, though I did not know what or who the guy was. Safety 101 you don’t open your door to strangers until you identify them and what they want, and sometimes you still check with the company if they want into your home. We teach this to our children, but I the adult did not follow a simple guideline. Just because it looks like a cop, UPS, flower delivery or pizza delivery does not mean the uniform is not a rental. If you are not expecting someone delivering something then are they lost or something else?

One of the most common ways thieves are able to walk around a neighbourhood looking for a home to break into is to have some type of uniform on. This way people don’t even give them a second glance. They must be there for a reason. It makes it easy to go to a door and see if anyone is home. If someone sees them going around the house looking for way to get in, they are just looking for a meter, or some damage or something. Though most people will not even think about checking why they are there. It is a great way to case a house or even break in if the opportunity is there.

Then you have the wonderful knowledge that they don’t care if you are home or not, if you open the door bam you have a home invasion. Now I don’t live in a rich area, and we don’t have a lot so I don’t think we have to worry too much about someone doing a home invasion. But at the same time we do know that there is a building with drug dealers about four blocks away. A person on drugs, or in need of drugs is not thinking clearly and will be happy to get enough money for the next fix. So who is standing at your door?

I am not trying to scare people, just make them more aware of simple things to try to keep our selves safer. If someone is at your door and is planning to rob you, they are also planning to hurt you. Otherwise they would break in when you are not home. Now most home invasions are a crime of opportunity. If you open the door they are in, if not they move onto the next home or apartment. If you are the target they are going to get into your home even if you don’t open the door, but at least the door will slow them down a little. At that point in time robbery is probably not the main crime on their minds and all you can do is try to get yourself and your family away from them and hopefully you have a cell to call 911.

What made my brain start thinking about this, the guy walked past our window about ½ hr later. Then about 20 minutes later the police were out in the back looking around all the homes and seemed to be looking for clues. The timing just made me think about how stupid I had been for opening the door to a stranger, in uniform or not.

Tips on talking to your teen boy about sex

As parents we need to have the sex talk with our children, both boys and girls as early as possible. This way they will hopefully have a good idea of what sex is, what is ok and not ok, and the consequences like pregnancy, Aids and other STD’s. We cannot stop our teens from wanting sex, or even having sex. All we can do is try to make sure they make the best possible informed decisions.

Time goes by so quickly. We meant to have that all important sex talk but the time never seemed right. All of a sudden our little boy is a teen boy and we have to find some way to talk to him about sex. There are a lot of ways to open up a conversation about sex with teen boys. Here are some tips on talking to your teen boy about sex.

The first hair shows up, the typical sign of the onset of puberty. This is a great time to talk about hormones and body changes. This can lead right into the sex talk. “Now that you are becoming a man you are going to want to have sex so it is time we talked about it.” “You are a man now, you are going to have some questions about sex. Now is a good time to talk with you about it.” Talk about what his “parts” do and what they are for. The how and why people have sex as well as the consequences of having sex. Such as pregnancy and STD’s.

There is always some good looking girl or woman on TV, in movies, and video games. Ask your teen boy if he finds her attractive. Then ask what he finds attractive in girls or women. What “feelings” he has and what he would like to do, like hug her or kiss her. This opens up what sex is, what the feelings are and what is and is not ok, how you treat a lady, i.e. no means no.

There are always talk shows on teen sex and the consequences and even on how to talk with your teen about sex. Montel Williams and Dr. Phil usually have at least a few every year. Watch them with your teen boy. Talk about the topic of the show. Use the questions the show opens up.
Teen boys get erections all the time. You can open the conversation by talking about how best to hid them in public; what types of pants to wear and other strategies to avoid embarrassment in public. This is a great way to find out what else your teen boy may have questions about.

Teen boys also start having ejaculations in their sleep, wet dream. This is a great opening to talk about what an ejaculation is and then talk about sex. This is a good time to talk about the issue of having unintentional ejaculation when reacting to stimuli’s, i.e. a pretty girl is talking to you. This can be very embarrassing and teen boys need an idea of what to do when it happens, or a strategy to avoid it from happening.

Buy a box of condoms and use a cucumber to demonstrate how to properly use condoms. This lets you talk about sex, safe sex, STD’s, contraception and hopefully find out what sex myths you son might believe. Myths like clingwrap around the penise works just as well as a condom. This also opens the door to questions like, “What do the different condoms do”, “What condom do girls like best”, “How do you know when to make the first move”

It is not important the way you open the conversation, as long as you have the conversation and give real honest answers. Find out what your son already knows or thinks he knows. If you don’t know what misinformation your son has you cannot let him know the truth. You need to talk about sex, how good it feels, when is the right time, how to control the urge, how to react when a girl says “no”, and how to have control over your body not the other way around. Think about all the things you wish you had known about sex at his age and talk with him about it.

Setting boundaries for your children's free time

I have had to set boundaries for my children’s free time. If I did not use a timer when my son is on the computer he would be on it all day. I need to use a timer so that he knows when his time is up, he has no idea how much time passes when he is playing. Using the computer started as a way for him to learn and to help with his hand eye coordination. The next thing I know is that I have a four-year-old computer addict. He will give up just about anything for computer time. I use it as a treat or a reward, some thing to be earned not a right.

As my children get older I am going to have to make sure they have a balanced life. To do so I will have to put limits on computer and TV time and make sure they play outside with other kids. I have already decided that my children will not have a TV, computer or phone in their rooms. That will all be in the living room. That way I have more control over when they use them and what they use them for.

I will be enrolling them into after school and summer programs so that they socialize and do some type of activity. I, like any other parent, want to give my kids all the opportunities that I did not have. At this point it is open to what programs they will go into. I want to make sure it is some thing they like. I can only give them the opportunities to do things; I cannot make them participate. Swimming, baseball, gymnastics and dance all seem to be high on my son’s list right now, so we will try those first.

I know that my children are going to have great demands on their time when they start school. They will have less free time and will want to spend it doing what they love the most, be it computer games or playing sports. As an adult it is very easy for me to become caught up in a book, game or TV show, how can I expect my children to be any different? I need to give them boundaries, balance until they are able to create their own boundaries. At the same time I need to make sure I don’t limit them so much that they rebel and find other ways to get the TV or computer time they want.

I have some great ideas from talking with parents of older children. Now only time will tell how they will work on my kids. Homework must be done before I let them watch TV or play games. I need to give them a choice of games, computer ones, handheld ones, ones played on the TV and board games. I want the games to be ones that the family can all play, so there is some family time involved. Arts, crafts and music are all very important and I need to give them access to create or enjoy them. The best way is for me to do things with them, not just put some paper and pens on the table and tell them to keep busy. The one thing that seems to stand out the most, no matter what activities I expose my children to, is that I need to participate with them. My involvement as a parent is more important then the actual activity.

Your teen wants to be a in the fashion industry, now what.

To a teenager the fashion industry looks like it is fun and glamorous to work in, with the chance to rub elbows with stars or even become famous. If your teen enjoys fashion and would like a career in the industry there are lot of options for them to look at. The best thing to do is take a real look at the fashion industry and the careers in it. A lot of teens dream of being a clothing designer because they know how to sew and they love to make changes to clothing, or they just have great fashion sense. The problem with that is very few people have the talent, education and luck to become top of the line designers, or to have a successful clothing line; fashion is a business like any other business.

You teenager should understand that there are a lot more careers within the fashion industry then designer. There seems to be three main areas with in the fashion industry, designing, marketing, or buyer. Each one has a completely different set of skill sets, and education requirements. So your teenager can make fashion by creating the clothing, or tell everyone what is fashionable with marketing or decide what is going to be available in the stores as a buyer. All of this requires someone in touch with current trends and great fashion understanding.

Once your teen has a realistic view of the fashion industry and an idea of what they want to do then your going to look at different schools. Find out what they offer, what is the schools reputation with in the industry, and what is the success rate is for job placement, what schools work with your budget and what are the requirements your teen has to meet to be able to go to the school. You may want to look at location of the school. New York is the US centre for fashion so it makes sense that most of the best opportunities within the fashion industry would be in New York. Under the same logic some New York fashion schools would have an advantage over ones not located in New York. The contacts and opportunities alone could make a difference.

A fashion school in New York may have some advantages because of its location. It is just one of those things you need to look at when you are checking out what options your teenager has and what is actually going to be important to their career. No matter what career a person picks what school they go to can have a big impact on how well they do. You need to find the best one for your teen that fits your budget. Having the right fit can make the difference of successfully completing school or dropping out. It is just as important to put the time into finding the right educational path for an individual going into fashion as it is for someone going into law, science, acting, or anything actually. When it comes to fashion schools New York comes to mind, but there are local schools that may meet your teenager’s needs just as well, or better. It is all about doing your research about what your teen will need for success and what schools will give that to your teen.

Dealing with unsolicited parenting advice

Dealing with unsolicited parenting advice

Everyone in the world seemed to be giving me contradicting parenting advice when I was pregnant with my son. I listened to what everyone said, even the extremely obnoxious neighbour who seemed to think she knew it all even though she did not have kids. It seems her friends had them and that was enough to make her an expert on every thing. I smiled and said thanks for the information. When people told me I was doing this wrong, that wrong, I needed these or that I said I would look into it. No matter how ridicules or sensible every piece of unsolicited parenting advice was I took the time to let the people know I heard them. I never said what I would do with their advice.

I was being told every thing from “your breasts are to big, your baby will not be able to breast feed, you better get these bottles and formula” and how I needed to “be able to speed change my kids diaper with one hand.” It was unexpected to have complete strangers telling me what I “needed to know” about having kids. I think I heard every horror story out there about labour, child rearing and what the kids will do and what can happen to them. I smiled and let everyone tell me whatever, and thanked most of them. Though I did start avoiding my obnoxious neighbour.

What did I do about all the advice? Nothing, I found a very good class on everything you needed to know about childbirth, and breast-feeding. And let me tell you I learned more in those two hours a week then I ever expected. I was even able to stop my neighbour by saying, “that does not sound any thing at all like what they said at class”, or “we just covered that in class, thanks for the information though.” That class was worth every penny. It gave me the information I needed to make real informed decisions and a place to question some of the advice being given to me.

My son was born and then it really started. It was like having a baby gives everyone the right to judge what you do or don’t do and give you unsolicited parenting advice. I was recovering from a very bad birth and my stitches became infected. I was on bed rest and antibiotics for 5 weeks after my son was born. I was getting everything like “I was just lazy laying around the house and I needed to get out and do things” and that I was not breastfeeding the right way, I was feeding him to much, my son was overdressed, underdressed, that I spent to much time with my son and just about any other thing you can think of. I checked with the health nurse and my doctor. I let people tell me what they thought I should know and then talked to the people who do know.

So I have two kids of preschool age, and still lots of advice coming my way. I should use this discipline method, that method, I am soft on my kids letting them get away with to much, to hard I should just give them what they want in the store, I should read more to them, I needed to spend less time with them. Again anything you can think of and some things I had not even thought of I got advice on. I started parenting classes that were age appropriate for my kids, or were about issues I needed help on, like discipline, potty training and how to get them to sleep. Most of these classes and seminars are through a free program called Early Years and are done by people who are professionals in this field. Now people can tell me what they want, I know where to go to get information to be able to make informed decisions.

I believe that most people who give all this unsolicited parenting advice are being nice and helpful. They don’t think that it’s rude or unwanted, or know that they are the 10th person that day trying to tell you what to do with your kids. I believe being polite is the way to go, and let them go on their way. However I do come across some people who will just not let things go. My daughter was two and was still emotionally attached to her nummy / soother. We all knew she did not need it, but it was her security blanket and I know soon she would out grow the need for it. But it would be on her time not any one else’s. Every day she would take her nummy to preschool and then give it to us at the door. If we forgot to take it from her before entering the classroom the teacher would make a comment to her about it. We told the teacher that we, her parents, did not have a problems with it and that should have been that. Nope, every time she had the nummy the teacher would make the comment. We finally had to take her aside and explain again that we were the parents and we would decide when to take away the nummy. One of the parents decided to help us one morning by taking our daughter on her lap and told her that if she did not stop using the nummy Santa would not visit her house. Lets just say this lady was told what end was up and to stay away from our kids. I don’t mind if some one wants to tell me what they think I need to know to be a better parent, but I draw the line when they try to Parent my kids. No matter what, remember you are the parent, and you have ways to find out what you need to know to make informed decisions about how to be your child’s parent.

Questions to ask on a first date

Neutral open-ended questions are the key. Never ask: “what do you do for a living, how much money do you make, religion or politics views, for or against having kids?” There are ways to find out if you are compatible enough for a second date. If you are then you have the time on later dates to find out if there are any deal breakers. The first date is not the place to do that. The idea is to find out if you like each other enough to want to get to know each other more, not find out every thing there is to know about each other. Here are some things to ask:



What would you do if you won the lottery? This can open up a conversation. How they answer the question can tell you a lot about a person, their values, their personality and what some of their likes and dislikes are. It can help show you how compatible you are in some areas.

What is your favourite entertainment? Not what TV shows they like or the best movie they have seen. That is too limited of a question. By asking what favourite entertainment you may find out if they like to go out or stay home. Are they a doer or a watcher? Do they go to concerts, plays, a jazz bar, play poker, race cars, do paint ball, stay home and watch CSI, or any number of things.



What was your favourite cartoon as a kid? This gives you a common neutral ground to start a conversation. It can also lead naturally to other things you both may like and dislike.



How are you enjoying the meal, cup of coffee? It can be what ever you are doing together. Then ask if they like any other restaurants, or coffee shops. This helps you find out what they like and can lead to an opportunity for a second date. I.E. “Well maybe we can go there the next time” or “Lets try that place next.” It is an easy way to get an idea if they are interested in seeing you again and lets them know you are. No second-guessing about how the date is going.

Is it OK to raise a baby night owl?

It is not OK to raise a baby night owl. When my son was born my husband worked nights and did not have a drivers licence. I would drop him off and pick him up, and baby had to come with me. I would get the baby down to sleep only to put him into a car seat and drive my husband to work. Then I would try to get him to go back to sleep when we got home. No luck, we would be up all hours of the night. Then finally sleep, and the alarm would go off so I had to get up and put the baby in the car again to go pick up Daddy.

When we got home Daddy would want to play with baby. So we were up for a few hours more. Then we would all fall asleep during the day. Missing out on every thing that happens in the day, like walks and sunshine. We all ended up sleeping in the day and being up at night. Finally my husband realised this was killing us. It was to hard to be a family, do things or just live life if we slept all day and were up all night. So he ended up getting a day job when our son was about six months.

Looking back I know we missed out on a lot of things for the first year of his life. Just being up when every one else is makes a big difference on how you live your life. Staying up all night made it impossible to socialize so our son did not have a lot of contact with other kids, or other people in general. We missed out on park time, baby groups, or just getting out of the house. What do you do when you live in a small apartment and are only up at night? You are not very active, you feel isolated, you watch a lot of TV and you never get a break. It became stressful for all of us. It was not fair for us to do that to our child, or to ourselves.

It has taken years to get our son to sleep at night. He would always try and stay up as late as possible, and would fight going to bed. It took hours to get him to go down. We would start around 8 pm only to get him to sleep some time between 10 pm and 12 AM. When we did get him to go to sleep he would wake up in the middle of the night and we had to start all over again to get him to sleep. It was a hard thing to break, having a night owl baby.

I know that it is not possible for every one to have a stable day job, too many shift work jobs and night shifts. If it is possible though, give your baby a nighttime bedtime routine so they can be up with every one else and fit in with most of society. My husband was a night owl as a baby and most of his life. He could never seem to sleep at night and ended up living a life of night shifts, always struggling to fit his life schedule with daytime society. Being a night person can be lonely and difficult to balance. It is also harmful to your health and well-being. Even after years of not working nights he will end up awake all night because he feels more awake and alert at night. This is some thing he will struggle with for the rest of his life. This lifestyle is not some thing I would knowingly inflict onto a baby.

Enforcing bedtime for your children

We spent years trying to get our son to go to bed and stay in bed. Every night we dreaded bedtime. We waited until he was so tired he would start to fall asleep or until he became grumpy we knew he was tired. Then tried to get him to go to bed and stay there. It would end up with me fighting a grumpy tired child. He was so over tired he was impossible to deal with or get to sleep. I was going out of my mind.

We tried every thing. Lots of physical activity so he would be tired, soft music, bath before bed, anything someone told me to try. Nothing worked. It all started when he was a baby and Dad worked nights. We all ended up being on the night shift. It was too hard so we changed to a normal day schedule. Our son was very resistant. A year latter he was still trying to stay up at night. He never wanted to go to bed. He ruled the house. We had not time for ourselves, and very little sleep most of the time. When his little sister was born we hit a breaking point. He would be up to 10 or 11 at night and she would be up at the latest 6 am.

The house was not a fun place to be. Every one was suffering from sleep deprivation. It took very little for tempers to explode over the littlest things. We were all impossible to deal with. It went from frustration to anger because he would not go to bed. It was a bad place to be. Screaming and time outs does not help get children to go to bed, it just made things worse. No one liked bedtime in our home.

I went to some parenting classes and what do you know, the most common parent issue was children’s bedtime. We were all going through the same thing; our children did not want to go to sleep. We found out that we did not have good sleep routines. We had to learn the importance of a good sleep routine. What we had was inconsistent bedtime routines the result were very frustrated children and parents.

We needed to have a consistent routine so our children knew what was expected from them, and had the security of knowing what was going to happen next. Routine means security to most children. So we had to set a bedtime routine. Turn the TV off, toothbrush, PJ’s on, story time, monster check, then into bed with favourite stuffed animal. We needed to do this every night at the same time. Our wants had to take second place to our sons need for a consistent routine.

It usually only takes a few weeks for the change to take place, for us it was months. We had to learn how to be consistent, some times it was just too much to deal with and we would slide back. It only works if the parents are both working with the same routine, both in time and activities. Other wise the child is still confused. Finally we learned and got our act together as parents. We started getting him to bed by 9 pm. Then we were able to move it back by about 15 minutes every few weeks. Both our son and daughter go to bed between 7 and 7:30 every night. The struggle we went through to build a good sleep routine paid off. It was worth going through a few weeks of stress to get a good routine established.

Do developmental delays always mean learning disability?

I can say from first hand experience that developmental delays do not always mean learning disability. A developmental delay is exactly that a delay. The sooner it is caught and treated the easer for the child to catch up with their peers. If the delay is not caught then it can become an overwhelming hurdle a child has to struggle with. Even though it is not a learning disability it can still have a large impact on all aspects of a child life, their socialization, self-esteem, and their ability to move to the next level or stage of development. One developmental delay can cause other delays. For example if a child is delayed in speech, this can delay the child’s social development, because they have a problem talking with their peers, it also affects their self-esteem. It is also very hard to relate to a child that points and screams for things instead of trying to say what they want.

Often the same types of delays are grouped together. Communication delays, socializing delays, potty training delays, and self-care delays are all linked together. It is very easy to see how if a child cannot talk or get people to understand them it would affect the other areas of their development. It is frustrating for both the child and the parents. It is such a big issue that in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada we have a Government run program called Early Words.

Early Words is the umbrella organization of Hamilton's preschool speech and language services for young children. Parents, childcare providers and other professionals working with young children can call for information about children's speech and language development and workshops. They have a web site, www.ascy.ca/ew_ages.htm, which will let you compare your child’s development from 3 months to 6 years with what is considered to be normal development. On top of that they tell you what you can do to help your child develop.

As stated on the Early Word web site - Early speech and language skills help your child to tell others about their ideas and feelings, wants and needs. Difficulties in communicating can lead to frustration and social or behaviour problems. Learning to communicate is the foundation for learning at school. Research has also shown that early development of language is important for academic success, for understanding the teacher, learning to read, write and do math, and for developing relationships with teachers, peers, and others that come to be a part of the lives of our children. One in ten children in Ontario will need help developing their speech and language skills to get ready for school.

Early Words has your child’s hearing tested to identify delays that are caused by hearing problems. Then a paediatric doctor sees your child and tracks any developmental delays and helps identify if there are any other causes for delays, such as a learning disability as they are treated differently.

I would take my son to a play at an Early Years Centre from the time he was a year old. Early Year Centres are places that you can take your child from birth to 7 years of age to play with other children, socialize yourself, and take part in programs and activities. They have classes on how to make toys, to how to be a parent and every thing in between. Classes to promote child development and child/parent interaction. I.E. Early sign language so you can talk with your child before they speak clearly, Mother goose which is singing and talking with your child in a large group, potty training, baby massage and more. However, part of the mandate of Early Years is to get information about programs and services that are available for young children to the families with young children. As well as giving access to early years professionals, like health nurses and art teachers, at the Early Year centres.

Why is this important? Because I was going to the Early Years Centre I was able to get information and guidance about where my son should have been in his development. I was able to find out that my son was not on track and was directed to the right program, Early Words to get my son help. He was tested at about 1 ½ years and found to be delayed and was put into a speech program and therapeutic daycare with in a few months. When he was 3 he was delayed in some areas by about 2 ½ years and we were told to hold him back from kindergarten. You child must be potty trained, speak, and be able to read and write a little before they can go to kindergarten in Hamilton, Ontario. After a lot of hard work, by him and the professionals in his life, at 4 ½ he is only delayed by about 6 months and getting better every day. He is expected to catch up with the other kids so that he will be going to senor kindergarten next year.

I do not know what I would have done with out Early Years and Early Words. I thought that my son might have been learning disabled not delayed. These two programs have helped so many children get the help they need and prevented kids that were just learning delayed from being labelled learning disabled. So many children do not get the help they need in the first few years of their lives and end up struggling to keep up with other kids, or end up being seen as learning disabled. Please take the time to look at the Early Words web site. If you do see any delays in your child’s development take your child to a paediatric specialist and find out if there is any thing you can do to help your child. There is so much that can be done if a delay is caught in time, if people can just identify it in time to make changes. A child with a learning delay does not have to be labelled learning disabled and struggle for the rest of their lives.