Child Abuse: When to become “Involved”

When do you report child abuse and to whom? It is not our job to determine if child abuse is taking place. It is our job to speak for the children who may not be able to speak for themselves or get anyone to hear them.

What about all the horror stories about families and lives being destroyed by false accusations? If you have concerns for a child’s safety or well being it is not a false accusation. Truth be known, more child abusers slip through the cracks then innocent people are found “harmful” to their children.

AS ADULTS WE NEED TO PROTECT KIDS NOT OTHER ADULTS.

If you think there is some type of abuse going on – proof or no proof – go with your gut on this one, call children’s aid and let them know how you feel and why. It is their job to determine if there is abuse or danger to the child. An abuser is going to hide what they are doing so you may only have hints and small incidences to go on. If something feels wrong it probably is.

If you see abuse – then you call the police and report it so there is a record of the abuse, time and date. The police will bring in Children’s Aid but you may want to call C.A. as well.

If a child is in severe danger – call the police. Bring attention to what is happening. Get as many people as possible to intervene for the safety of the child.

If you saw a baby or a child locked in a hot or freezing car you would do what you had to to rescue the child. Why should it be any different if someone is beating a child or abandoning their children for days on end, or “just” hurting them in ways that don’t leave marks?

We are the adults and it is time we placed innocent children before strangers, friends and even family.

There is nothing worse then looking into the eyes of a child you could have saved but did not. Unless it is knowing a child died because you did not want to get involved.

Five years old and already in the principles office

I received a call from the school, a lady with a panicked voice told me to come pick up my son from the principles office. He was acting out and they felt I should come pick him up. Ok. Off I went not sure what to expect. What I found was the principles office in lock down as they tried to control my 5 year old. This included restraining him “for his own safety” as he was jumping on things, hitting and more. I told them to let him go, and my son ran to me. Then he became hostile to me as well as I tried to find out what was going on.

It seems he became out of control in the classroom, jumping on desks so they removed him. This did not work so well as it caused him to lash out even more. He was angry, frustrated, and somewhat scared. There have been a lot of changes in the last few weeks. He changed daycare, his sister did not, he started school and so did his dad. The daycare he seems to be ok with, but he is not doing so well in the more structured school environment. He cannot remove himself from an activity and do what he wants anymore. He does not take to well to being told, “No, you have to do this”. He takes after us, his parents, a little too much.

There are two big issues though. The first is that we were told that daycare would take care of snacks, but for the first week when everyone else had snacks he did not. He was feeling very left out and was upset, but never said anything to us. Nor did his teacher. He told his daycare teacher on Monday, who told us what was going on. We were not happy when we found on Monday that he had been going to school with out a snack for over a week. It was a misunderstanding the daycare gives a snack after school not to take into class.

When we asked his kindergarten teacher why she did not tell us this was going on she said he did not really need a snack because he had lunch at the daycare and a snack after. That is a problem for me, it has nothing to do with food but socializing and fitting in, and she did not understand that. Of course he has been upset, he has been left out and made to feel different. On Tuesday we sent a snack with him but he had his melt down and was removed from the class before snack time.

The second issue is that he has a severe speech problem. At his old daycare everyone understood him. He feels that people don’t hear him in his kindergarten class. His outburst started because yet again he was saying something to his teacher and felt that he was being ignored. He was angry and was trying to get her attention with his actions. He got it but not the way he wanted it.

The school decided that starting that Wednesday they would have him in Kindergarten for one hour and then remove him and put him back into daycare. This would give him a chance to adjust to kindergarten. Everyday they would add an extra 15 minutes until he started acting out again or was doing all three hours. I did not feel that comfortable with this, another way to make him feel left out and different. Sure enough they removed him with out any warning. Suddenly he was being pulled from class for no reason at all. He wanted to stay with his friends and had another melt down.

I don’t blame him. I would be upset to if I was being good and doing what I was told and someone came and took me away. He kept saying he did not do anything. Sure enough I had to come and get him a second time. Both the daycare and I were not happy with the way things were handled and let the school know it. Things got changed that day. This was not going to happen to him again. On Thursday he was given early warning that he would be leaving the class, and his teacher from daycare came and got him. He did not feel as if he was being punished this time.

I am trying to work with the school but I don’t think that they have handled this very well. They have labeled him a problem child now. Personally I think his outbursts were completely validated as his only way to get people to hear him. We are more aware of what is going on now so things have calmed down now. But I am not happy with the teacher’s poor communication skills. We look at his communication book everyday and so far she had put nothing in it, no comments on what he is doing or that he was left out of snack or acting out. I am holding her accountable, I will be calling her everyday to find out what is going on with my son. I am not going to let them label my son a problem child just because she could not bother to write in his book to let us know there was a problem.


Update - after trying to work with the school for most of the school year we ended up going to the school trustee.  End result – an investigation into not only my son’s teacher but also the principle and vice principle.  The teacher was not asked back for the following year – she was doing things that were not acceptable.  The principle and vice principle stayed for one more year – but my son was sent to a different school.  They were removed from the school the following year – seems they were both under investigation the entire year – why because the things that were done to my son was just the tip of the iceberg. 

What online games are safe to let our kids play?

I was reading a blog “Am I a bad dad for letting my kid use the headset in Xbox Live?” about a dad talking about the things being said to an 11 year old on Xbox. I thought it brought up a good point, what are adults and teenagers saying to our kids and each other. The name calling alone was enough to say I cannot let my children, who are much younger then 11, play Xbox Live, even with the speaker on let alone with the headset on. As he pointed out his son has told him about the names, but what has he not told him about.

I have seen some adults “play” and they can get quite verbally abusive. Everything from name calling to death threats can be heard when adult’s play, and that is with out the anonymity of being online. I don’t know what people are willing to say when no one can identify them, where there is little or no risk for being aggressive and no reason to be “nice”. At what point does the environment become so negative or toxic that our children should not be exposed? I know that when I play poker some of the people online are quit offensive, but I have the option to block their chat or report them. If they are breaking the rules, i.e. using abusive language they can be kicked off the system or their chat rights removed depending on how bad they were. I don’t think this option is available on Xbox Live, all you can do is limit chat to who is on your friends list and I think that takes away from the game if you are trying to be part of a team but cannot talk to them.

I know that there are quite a few sites now for kids to chat and play games. Who are the other people on the other computers? What are they willing to say to kids? I can only control what my kids say and do, not what they hear and read. This is why I don’t think online live games are going to be a part of my kids lives for sometime, or mine unless I have some control over what I hear and read. My kids and I don’t need to be abused to have fun, thank you. I want to be able to cut someone off if they are being abusive, I don’t need to hear it, nor do my kids.

I think the real problem is that there is not a moderator on Xbox Live, nor is there any way to have a moderator unless they start using verbal recognition programs and tap into every single game. The only way to control what is being said is for the people to control themselves, and that is not going to happen. Options, stop playing the game when a person becomes abusive, play through it, or don’t play at all. So you may want to think twice about what you are getting your kids this Christmas. What doorways are these online games going to open and what control do you have over them?

What makes a good parent?

I am always hearing about good parent vs. bad parent but what does that actually mean. Does that mean you are a good or bad person? I think that people who are not so good can still be good parents and good people can also be bad parents. It all comes down to parenting skills and if they care about their kids or not. There are horrible people out there who are great parents, their children love them and feel safe, but I would never want to work with them or for them. There are other people who seem to be great in public but years latter we find out that these upstanding members of society were torturing their children. I think that most people try to do the best they can for their children. I struggle everyday to overcome my childhood, and learn better parenting then what I was shown as a child.

I have learned that to be a good parent you:

1) Have to care about yourself and your children. If you don’t care about yourself or your children it is very difficult to be a good parent with positive influences.

2) Listen to your children, hear what they want and need not what you think they should have. Your children are individuals and should be treated as such, not an extension of yourself.

3) Play with your children so that you have some positive experiences with your children to build on. This gives you time to enjoy your children, not being a parent, boss or supervisor but a play partner. Have fun with your kids well you can, they grow up quick.

4) Keep your temper no matter what, even if it means you have to take a time out or leave the room. Giving your child a time out is a way to let yourself cool down. Let someone else deal with an issue if possible when it becomes too much. This is a lot easer to say then do. Kids tend to not listen, jump, run and break things all the time. Also they are trying to become independent people who can think and do things for themselves, even when you are helping them they still want to do it their own way. Big rule here, no hitting.

5) Take care of the basic necessities like clothing, food, shelter, love first and if possible give the extras after everything else is taken care of. Showing that you love your child by spending money on something they want is great, but not if you don’t have enough money for food because you spent it on a treat. Not giving a child what they want does not mean you don’t love them or are not a good parent.

6) Follow through. If you tell your children you are going to do something or give them something then you need to follow through other wise your word means nothing. This is for both positive and negative. If you say you are going to take away their TV for a week then you need to do that. Same as if you tell them they can help with dinner, or pick dinner then you need to do that as well, even if you have had a busy day.

7) Show your children that you love them. Telling them “I love you” does not mean much if your actions show otherwise. Give them hugs, put their artwork on the wall or fridge, tell them how great they are, and spend time with them. Let them know you like being with them and having them as your children. Actions speak louder then words every time.

8) Remember that you chouse to be with your kids, not that you have to spend time with them. It is a difference of perception, if you chouse to do something you are more likely to enjoy doing it then if you think you have to do something.

9) You don’t always have to like your kids, just love them even when you are not happy with them.

10) If you do something wrong admit it, say sorry and work on not doing it again.

I am sure my list will grow as I grow as a parent. The problem I have is remembering this stuff as my kids run around the house screaming, fighting and not listening. It is a hard stressful job being a parent. If it was not my own kids you could not pay enough to do this job. Most of us would not pass the requirements if you had to pass a parenting test before we became parents, but somehow we do get through it and so do our kids.

School safety, who can pick up your child?

Who can pick up your child from school? Do you know what the pick up procedure is at your school? How well are those policies followed? I was watching a Dr. Phil episode about children being picked up or kidnapped from their school. In both cases the policies that are in place to protect the kids were not followed. As a parent I need to know what the procedures are and how well are they followed. How do you test your school?

What can we do to keep our kids safe? One thing to do is let our kids know what to do if someone tries to pick them up from school. One solution is to tell the child to refuse to go unless the person knows your safe word. A word only you and your child know. Your child should also know that just because a teacher says this person is here to pick you up does not mean it is ok to go. They can say NO to the teacher and not go with that person until the person gives them the word or they have talked with you over the phone.

It is funny but both kids had been told by their parents not to go with strangers, but they went anyway because the teacher told them that this man was here to pick them up. At no point was the identity of the man taking the child established. This was a definite breach of policy. So you can have the best policies in place but they are only as good as the person enforcing them.

It is not good enough to have great policies you have to enforce them as well. There are real consequences here. If someone is kidnapping a child from school chances are they don't have the best interest of the child in mind. As a parent we need to make sure the policies are being enforced, even if it is inconvenient for parents and the teachers. It is a lot more inconvenient to have to search for your child then it is to show some id when picking them up.

At our kids pre-school no one is aloud to pick up our kids unless they are on the list of people we have authorized to pick them up. On top of that they have to have verbal confirmation from us prior to pick up, otherwise the person cannot take them from the school. So we have to pre-arrange for anyone other then us to pick up our kids. Then the person has to show id proving that they are the person that they claim to be. There is only one door that people are aloud to go in or out and it is manned at all times. You have to be buzzed in. They have a great system, one of the better ones in our area. However, this fall our son is going to real school and we have to establish the schools pick up policies. I expect that they are not as secure as the preschool. Now we have to teach our son what to do if someone other then us tries to take him from school. I hope he does a lot better then the two kids that were taken from school by strangers.

Confessions of a Computer addict

Several months ago I discovered something about myself I don’t like. I have an addiction to my computer. I would spend most of my time on the computer. There was always something I was dong, looking at, and working on or needed to be done. Everything was “in a minute I have to finish this” or “Can it wait I am working?” Sometimes I would go all day not eating because I become too caught up in what I was doing or just did not feel I had the time to make or grab food, or I would eat at the computer, even dinner.

This was affecting my life more then I knew. My husband was never happy. He was always upset that I was on the computer yet again. My kids were acting out to get my attention. Even though I thought I was paying attention to them I was actually in the same room with them but always on the computer. My kids would be asking me to play with them and I would have them play on the computer desk so I could keep working as I played with them. That did not work very well. My family felt that I cared more about the computer then them.

After months of my family complaining I finally realized they were right. I had gone to the parenting class, the Incredible Years, to try and deal with two kids that were always acting out. One of the first things we had to do was identify wheat we did with our time, and how much time did we really spend playing with our kids. It was a real eye opener for me. I really did spend almost all my waken moments on the computer. No wonder my kids were acting out to get my attention. It was the only way to get me off the computer.

This had to change; it was not healthy for my family or me. I had to drastically cut back on the time I spent on the computer. Harder to do then I thought it would be. I told myself I did not have a problem and could walk away from the computer anytime. Not true. I work from home, on the computer and as everyone knows work is never done. Then there was all the socializing I did on line. I was multi-tasking like crazy to try and do everything in a day and never could and my family was paying the price for that. Family time was all of us in the living room, the kids playing or watching TV and me at the computer desk, working.

We moved our computer/office to the basement and made a rule that when the kids are home we stay out of the office and off the computer. It is still hard to do. You don’t know how much you depend on or use a computer everyday until you restrict your access to it. We are always checking emails, looking up information like phone numbers or doing price comparisons online. That is not including how much we use the computer for work. We are still on the computer more then we should be but things are better.

I wonder if there is a place computer addicts can go to for help? With my luck it would be an online website. This is not the same as trying to quit drinking or smoking. Computers are such a part of our lives and how we socialize now. I have to be able to work on a computer all the time and be able to stop and separate work time from family time. It would be easer if I did not work from home, but then I would still have a computer at home to tempt me.

Balancing a Child’s safety with the need for free exploration: parenting past and present.

Balancing a child’s safety with the need for free explorations is handled differently today then it was in the past. Why, because each generation has learned from the mistakes of the last generation and technology has changed. Sure we don’t let our kids play in the kitchen when we cook, we put gate up so they cannot get in. Why, because too many kids were burned and we learned to do things differently. We don’t let our kids bike with out a helmet, or at least the helmet is on when we can see them. Why, because we like our kids to not have brain injuries. We keep our kids wired to us by cell phones and some times GPS trackers. Why, don’t we trust our kids? Yes, about as much as our parents trusted us and I am sure if my Mom could have put a GPS on me back then she would have. This gives us some feeling of safety for our kids as kids can be and are picked up off the streets every day.

Does keeping your child out of the kitchen when you cook prevent them from learning hot don’t touch, or this is how you make dinner? No, they can still observe out of harms way and we can do other activities together that teach in a less harmful environment. Does making your child put their helmet on when biking hold them back, no. Is making them call you at specific times on their cell prevent them from exploring the world, no but it lets them know that you care about them. In some ways it even lets them explore more, we can find them or check in with them at any time, it just takes a call and we know what is going on. Or as much as they tell us, there is still trust issues out there.

I am not saying that our parents did not try to keep us safe, just that our perceptions of what needs to be done to keep our kids safe is different. I am sure our children will also have a different view on what is safe and what is not. Parents in the past said, “Don’t put any thing into the electric socket”, we say the same thing but now have little plug caps to put into them to help remove the temptation. Trust me if a kid is determined to stick some thing into the electric outlet they will find a way. But that is why we tell our kids not to and have better fuses to shut off the electricity if they do. We still tell our kids, don’t play by the pool, and don’t go in the pool if we are not with you. However, we now put fences up with motion detectors on the gate and special motion detectors on the pool to give us warning if someone is in the water.

We have better ways of keeping our children safe now; it does not hamper our children’s need for free exploration. We are not keeping our kids from exploring; we are just making sure it is in a safer environment. We don’t leave guns, or matches in places where kids can get to them and tell them don’t play with that, it is not a toy. We lock them up (the guns and matches, not the kids). Our kids can still learn that guns and matches are not a toy with out being put into a situation where they harm themselves or others. I like to think that we have come a long way from the time of having seat belts but not using them to having car seats and buster seats with special belting to keep them safe.

About 10 years ago my friends parents where babysitting their grandson. He had just started to go from crawling to trying to pull himself up. The Grandmother made her husband his tea like usual. She boiled the water, put the bag in and then put it on the end table by the couch. The little boy used that table to pull himself up. The table fell, the hot tea burned him so bad he had to go to the hospital for 3rd degree burn treatment and his chest will be scarred for life. As a result of this I always made sure I used a travel mug with a lid around my kids, that I took my cup with me when I left a room, or made sure it was in a high, secure place. My kids learned my cup was hot and that they were not to touch it. Did I stop putting my cup in a safe place, no, just for my own peace of mind. I learned from the mistakes of others, as I hope my children will learn from my mistakes.

You would never endanger your kids but it is ok to put yourself at risk

Adults expect children to do things to keep them safe, but don’t do those same things themselves. Who pays the price? There is this commercial done by the Canadian Red Cross that had me crying and trying to not throw up. It was that hard to watch, even now I feel ill thinking about it. Why, because it showed the truth. It shows this scene with two little kids in a rowboat, with life jackets on. The kids are sitting together holding each other. They have these unbelievable looks on their faces. There is a voice talking about how you would never endanger your children by letting them go out in a boat with out a life jacket on. Then it starts pulling out and you can see that there is no one in the boat with the kids. The voice then starts talking about how if you make your kids put them on why don’t you. I don’t remember the exact words because this horror started to fill me as I started to understand what was going on. The last scene you see is of two little defenceless children to small to row a boat or know what to do sitting in a boat in the middle of a large area of water. The scene ends just as you start to see their father floating face down just out of reach of the boat. What makes me sad is that even after seeing this commercial there are going to be people going out without their life jackets on and their kids get to see them die.

So you would never endanger your children but for some reason people think that they don’t have to keep themselves safe. You are not willing to do what you demand your children to do. I see it all the time. Parents with no life jackets on, or worse some times not on the little ones: even though it is against the law not to have them on. Then you see the same adults drinking as they relax out on the boat. That is always a bad mix. There are deaths related to drinking and boating every year, usually because the person did not put on their life jacket. There are always things we tell our kids not to do or to do to keep safe that adults just don’t seem to do. Bike helmets, why don’t people put them on? Are our heads harder then our children’s? I know that the watermelon demonstration is enough for me to put a helmet on and expect my kids to have theirs on. Seat belts, well it is the law but some people still don’t put them on. We usually find out when they are dead or in the hospital. It is ok to keep your kids safe, but at the same time to put yourself at risk so your not there for your kids. I just don’t understand this. I will not put myself at risk, I want to be a part of my kids lives not a memory.

The influence of alcohol on teen life

Alcohol can be found just about any place. It is in the corner store, our homes, in restaurants, on TV and in the movies. Drinking for the most part is shown as a social activity, something you do to have fun and fit in. There are scenes of underage drinking in a large number of movies and some TV shows. Advertisers tie alcohol with looking good, popularity and sexuality. The first alcoholic drink is also seen as right of passage, going from childhood to adulthood. We even give our kids non-alcoholic versions of our drinks. With all this positive imagery of alcohol, what is the influence of alcohol on teen life?

Drinking alcohol is perceived to be a positive non-harmful social part of being an adult. All teens want to be seen as adults, drinking is doing something reserved for adults, so by drinking you are doing something an adult would do. It is also an easy way to rebel, you don’t think I am an adult so I am going to drink to show you how much of an adult I am. This lets them do some thing that is against the rules but at the same time an adult thing to do. Teenagers will often boast about how much they drank showing how much of an adult they are. Other teens turn to alcohol to escape the reality of their lives, be it pain or boredom. Once a teenager has a drink it is easer to take the next one. They get a quick buzz and it feels good, they think they are having the best time ever. Drinking becomes associated with having fun, and soon drinking becomes the fun.

Being able to provide alcohol to friends and at parties can improve a teens social standing, they are seen as being more mature and are popular because they have the alcohol. People say that drinking will relax you, loosen you up, and let you have more fun. So a shy teenager will drink to feel more sociable, a teenager with low self-esteem will drink to feel more popular or to just fit in and others will drink just because everyone else is. Also it is not a lot of fun being sober around a bunch of drunks, it is easer to have fun with them when you are drunk to. Yes all teenagers understand that there is a legal age that they can go to bars and drink alcohol. At the same time though they see themselves as adults and don’t understand why they cannot drink alcohol legally. It becomes a challenge or a game to beat the system, to get fake ID and get into bars or clubs, or buy alcohol at the corner store. If you can get away with it then you are proving how much of an adult you are. Your actual age is not that important, what you can get away with is.

Drinking alcohol is a status symbol when you are a teenager. Though fortunately the idea of drinking responsible is also reaching teenagers. It is not cool to drink and drive. Unfortunately drinking competitions are still popular, the more you can drink the better. In some cases the faster you can chug a beer is what is seen as being the best. This leads to drinking until you pass out and in some cases get alcohol poisoning. It is easy to see how teenagers can quickly become alcoholics. Alcohol is seen as positive, is easy to get, does not cost too much and gives you a quick buzz. It is a quick fix for any social problems. You did not get the girl, have a drink and it will not matter anymore, or the drink will give you courage to ask another girl out. You don’t dance very well, have a drink and you will not care what you look like on the dance floor. Having a hard time with school or work, drink and forget. It is what some adults do, so it must be ok. Besides drinking is fun and sociable.

Once a teenager becomes an alcoholic things change. They tend to drink all the time, and as great as they think they are when they are drunk the truth is they are not that great to be around when every one else is sober. They start loosing their friends, and tend to drift to other teenagers using alcohol or drugs. Teenage drunks have the same problems as adult drunks. They drink lots, loose friends, drop grades, loose jobs and turn to alcohol or drugs to feel better. It just gets worse and worse until something changes, ether things get so bad someone steps in or they seek help themselves.

There is a lot of pressure on teenagers to drink. Being able to say, “No I cannot drink or do any drugs, my parents randomly test me for drugs and alcohol” takes all the pressure off any teenager. Some times that is all it takes, a parent taking the option away until they feel the teenager is able to make their own informed decisions and are able to deal with alcohol responsibly. Like when they reached the legal age to drink.

Why get a Credit report for your child?

I was watching the Montel show about identity theft and learned something new today. Sure I used to laugh when my husband would save our mail and shred it, I don’t now. I never thought about my credit or getting a credit report at all, let alone every 6 months. Check my bank account and credit card balance at least once a day, why would I do that, I knew what I spent. Cut the pin code off of an old credit card and dispose of it at a latter date, what cutting the card in half was not enough? My husband is having the last laugh now, because what he has always done is what we need to do now to keep our identity and credit for ourselves.

Over the years I have learned how to protect myself from fraud and identity theft. Why because I was victim of fraud and did not know for three years. I ended up having to declare bankruptcy after spending over five years trying to get my money back and clear up debts that were not even mine. I will have to spend years rebuilding my credit because I trusted the wrong person. My ability to give my children what they need has been limited by someone’s greed. I was lucky that the person only took my money, stock from my business and my trust. At this point in time I believe my identity is my own, but that may change as I rebuild my credit. I don’t know how much of my information he took as he had access to everything. It may be just a matter of time before I suddenly have credit cards and bank loans I never took out. I don’t know if he sold my information to others or not. It is just a matter of keeping an eye on things and hoping that if nothing has been used in the last seven years nothing will.

So I do everything I can to make sure that I don’t get taken again. However, I never thought to get a credit report for my kids. Today I learned that if someone has a SIN # they are at risk. Even a two year-old can have a credit card issued or a bank loan. There are quite a few cases where parents used their kid’s information to get credit cards and loans and years latter the kids had to deal with the consequence. I would never do that and I never thought about someone else using my children’s information to get credit. It took me a bit to rap my head around the idea of someone destroying a child’s credit, their ability to get a loan to go to collage, or get their first car, or their first apartment. That is just evil, but then they don’t care about anyone but themselves. We as adults need to protect our children and grandchildren as well as ourselves.

So what can you do to protect your children? Get a credit report for your children and yourself every 6 months. Your childs credit report should be that there is nothing to report. If you can join something like lifelock, an identity and fraud protection company. I only know about that one from their ads, I am sure there are other companies out there. See if they have a plan for children or a family rate. Protect your children’s information as you do your own. Shred your mail, have a mailbox with a lock and do not give information out. Treat information as a valuable resource that can be used against you, protect it or destroy it before someone uses it. We want to protect our kids from everything we can and now we just have to add this to the list.

PS: I have just been informed of Identity Theft Shield provided by Pre-Paid Legal Services Inc. for Canadians. Information about this can be found at www.identity-shield.ca.

Tips on talking to your teen boy about sex

As parents we need to have the sex talk with our children, both boys and girls as early as possible. This way they will hopefully have a good idea of what sex is, what is ok and not ok, and the consequences like pregnancy, Aids and other STD’s. We cannot stop our teens from wanting sex, or even having sex. All we can do is try to make sure they make the best possible informed decisions.

Time goes by so quickly. We meant to have that all important sex talk but the time never seemed right. All of a sudden our little boy is a teen boy and we have to find some way to talk to him about sex. There are a lot of ways to open up a conversation about sex with teen boys. Here are some tips on talking to your teen boy about sex.

The first hair shows up, the typical sign of the onset of puberty. This is a great time to talk about hormones and body changes. This can lead right into the sex talk. “Now that you are becoming a man you are going to want to have sex so it is time we talked about it.” “You are a man now, you are going to have some questions about sex. Now is a good time to talk with you about it.” Talk about what his “parts” do and what they are for. The how and why people have sex as well as the consequences of having sex. Such as pregnancy and STD’s.

There is always some good looking girl or woman on TV, in movies, and video games. Ask your teen boy if he finds her attractive. Then ask what he finds attractive in girls or women. What “feelings” he has and what he would like to do, like hug her or kiss her. This opens up what sex is, what the feelings are and what is and is not ok, how you treat a lady, i.e. no means no.

There are always talk shows on teen sex and the consequences and even on how to talk with your teen about sex. Montel Williams and Dr. Phil usually have at least a few every year. Watch them with your teen boy. Talk about the topic of the show. Use the questions the show opens up.
Teen boys get erections all the time. You can open the conversation by talking about how best to hid them in public; what types of pants to wear and other strategies to avoid embarrassment in public. This is a great way to find out what else your teen boy may have questions about.

Teen boys also start having ejaculations in their sleep, wet dream. This is a great opening to talk about what an ejaculation is and then talk about sex. This is a good time to talk about the issue of having unintentional ejaculation when reacting to stimuli’s, i.e. a pretty girl is talking to you. This can be very embarrassing and teen boys need an idea of what to do when it happens, or a strategy to avoid it from happening.

Buy a box of condoms and use a cucumber to demonstrate how to properly use condoms. This lets you talk about sex, safe sex, STD’s, contraception and hopefully find out what sex myths you son might believe. Myths like clingwrap around the penise works just as well as a condom. This also opens the door to questions like, “What do the different condoms do”, “What condom do girls like best”, “How do you know when to make the first move”

It is not important the way you open the conversation, as long as you have the conversation and give real honest answers. Find out what your son already knows or thinks he knows. If you don’t know what misinformation your son has you cannot let him know the truth. You need to talk about sex, how good it feels, when is the right time, how to control the urge, how to react when a girl says “no”, and how to have control over your body not the other way around. Think about all the things you wish you had known about sex at his age and talk with him about it.

Setting boundaries for your children's free time

I have had to set boundaries for my children’s free time. If I did not use a timer when my son is on the computer he would be on it all day. I need to use a timer so that he knows when his time is up, he has no idea how much time passes when he is playing. Using the computer started as a way for him to learn and to help with his hand eye coordination. The next thing I know is that I have a four-year-old computer addict. He will give up just about anything for computer time. I use it as a treat or a reward, some thing to be earned not a right.

As my children get older I am going to have to make sure they have a balanced life. To do so I will have to put limits on computer and TV time and make sure they play outside with other kids. I have already decided that my children will not have a TV, computer or phone in their rooms. That will all be in the living room. That way I have more control over when they use them and what they use them for.

I will be enrolling them into after school and summer programs so that they socialize and do some type of activity. I, like any other parent, want to give my kids all the opportunities that I did not have. At this point it is open to what programs they will go into. I want to make sure it is some thing they like. I can only give them the opportunities to do things; I cannot make them participate. Swimming, baseball, gymnastics and dance all seem to be high on my son’s list right now, so we will try those first.

I know that my children are going to have great demands on their time when they start school. They will have less free time and will want to spend it doing what they love the most, be it computer games or playing sports. As an adult it is very easy for me to become caught up in a book, game or TV show, how can I expect my children to be any different? I need to give them boundaries, balance until they are able to create their own boundaries. At the same time I need to make sure I don’t limit them so much that they rebel and find other ways to get the TV or computer time they want.

I have some great ideas from talking with parents of older children. Now only time will tell how they will work on my kids. Homework must be done before I let them watch TV or play games. I need to give them a choice of games, computer ones, handheld ones, ones played on the TV and board games. I want the games to be ones that the family can all play, so there is some family time involved. Arts, crafts and music are all very important and I need to give them access to create or enjoy them. The best way is for me to do things with them, not just put some paper and pens on the table and tell them to keep busy. The one thing that seems to stand out the most, no matter what activities I expose my children to, is that I need to participate with them. My involvement as a parent is more important then the actual activity.

Teenager's reality - Would you like to ge a teenager again?

Would you like to be a teenager again? People today see teenager’s lives as being carefree and with out any real responsibilities. That is not reality. Today’s teenager does not live in the same world we their parents grew up in. Teenagers have huge demands on them, placed on them by others, for their time, energy and attention. Teenagers have as much if not more stress in their lives then adults. When we were in high school we would receive 2 to 3 hrs worth of homework. Today on average each teacher gives one hour of homework, which works out to be between 6 to 8 hrs of homework every night. That is like having two full time jobs. So not only do you have tons of work to do and not so much time, you have to do it well. You need to do well in school to be able to pass, apply for college or university, get scholarships.

Then you add employment into the mix. Most teenagers have jobs these days. It may be part-time or full-time but it is still a job, with every thing that goes along with it. Teenagers are not being treated as kids at work, they are employees and have the same expectations and responsibilities placed on them as any other employee. Just because it is in a fast food restaurant, or in a retail store does not mean that they are working any less then we do. They have the same stress and frustrations at their work as any one else. Being a teenager does not make it any easer to do the job, or make your self go to work. To be blunt, teenagers get some of the crummiest jobs because no one else will do them for the pay they get. Oh, and its not all fun and games with the paycheque either. Teenagers for the most part are not working so they can buy the $400.00 pair of shoes or go party with friends. They are working to pay for college, or university because they know that their parents cannot pay for it and it is not easy to get a scholarship. Or they have bills like car payments, insurance and some times rent, food and clothing. In some cases they are working to help out the family.

Now some kids are blessed with talent and can try to get scholarships. To do so they have to participate in extra curricular activities so they are well rounded. There is more demands on their time and energy, remember they have to compete for scholarships. If you are going for a sports, music, science, or any type of scholarship then you need to be putting the time into that area or activity. You have to be the best at what ever you do. How many hours a day do you have to put into being the best, be it as an individual or as part of a team. That is a lot of stress to put on some one.

Sound life a carefree life with out responsibilities yet? So we understand that teenagers are already under a lot of stress meeting the demands of school and work. Lets look at the expectations of parents and family responsibilities. We expect the teens to do well at school and get a job to pay for the things they want. What other expectations are we putting on our teens. They are expected be home at specific times, like meal and bed time. They are expected to get their homework done, and help around the home, baby sit their brothers and sisters. To take on some responsibilities at home like making dinner or cleaning up. They need to spend time with family, be it just Friday night movie night, or Grandmothers Birthday. They have to fit their schedule around the expectations of their parents and family. It is not like they do any thing but talk on the phone, play video games or hang out with their friends, right, that is what teens do. Why can’t they do what I want them to do when I want them to do it? The teen is just being a teen and is rebelling or just does not appreciate every thing I have done for them right. It could not be that they are tired or any thing like that. Right.

We think that all teens do is socializing with their friends. They always seem to be on the phone, talking or texting, or on the computer chatting, or out with their friends. The truth is that socializing and dating is a very important part of being a teenager. It is an important part of their development. They need to find some time to socialize. It is very hard to find the time with every thing else going on in their lives. So yes talking at school, the bus, on the phone, emails are ways to socialize that fit their high demand life style. You socialize wherever you can. Teens today have more demands on them then the average adult. They have teachers, employers, parents and their friends all demanding their time and attention. So your teen wants to relax with a few friends over, watch some TV, play a video game, let them. They need to distress even more then we do.

Still think it would be fun to be a teenager again? When you take a real look at the demands and expectations being placed on teens it is easy to see why they feel overwhelmed, burn out, give up or turn to drugs and alcohol to deal with it. As parents it is our job to make it easer on our kids. We need to understand the whole picture of what our teens are going through. Think about what you can do to help relieve some of the stress and demands on your kids now that you have an idea of what they are going through.