I have been getting some very strange questions from my 5 year old and I had to really think about my answers. I had to decide if I should just give some meaningless answer or actually give him some information, and if I gave him information how much. I also had to think about what other questions my answers would give him.
During bath time he asked:
What are balls?
What is inside balls?
Does Mommy have Balls? Why not?
Does Daddy have balls?
Where do babies come from?
What is sperm?
How do babies get inside Mommies?
What is sex?
It started out easy, “What are balls?” and then became progressively harder as my answers gave him questions I was not sure I was ready to give uncomplicated answers to. I gave honest answers trying to keep it as simple as possible until he reached a point where the answers became too complicated for him to understand. At that point I used redirect to get him back to his bath and gave myself some time to think before the next set of questions. I want to get the information across without having to get into details and that is not an easy thing to do.
So why give a five year old real answers? It is a lot easer to provide information now that will be stepping stones for him to learn about himself, his body and sex, as he gets older. If he is looking for information now, then now is when to give it. It makes it easer to have conversations latter on when he older and ready for more information. I have to start thinking about strategies now so I can be ready when he is. I cannot say that I would be the type to buy an adult magazine and use that to answer questions, but I can see me finding some medical books and using those when he is older. It is still the same information but presented in a different way. There is a fine line between providing answers and resources about sex and corrupting a minor.
Showing posts with label talk. Show all posts
Showing posts with label talk. Show all posts
Monday, July 14, 2008
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Tips on talking to your teen boy about sex
As parents we need to have the sex talk with our children, both boys and girls as early as possible. This way they will hopefully have a good idea of what sex is, what is ok and not ok, and the consequences like pregnancy, Aids and other STD’s. We cannot stop our teens from wanting sex, or even having sex. All we can do is try to make sure they make the best possible informed decisions.
Time goes by so quickly. We meant to have that all important sex talk but the time never seemed right. All of a sudden our little boy is a teen boy and we have to find some way to talk to him about sex. There are a lot of ways to open up a conversation about sex with teen boys. Here are some tips on talking to your teen boy about sex.
The first hair shows up, the typical sign of the onset of puberty. This is a great time to talk about hormones and body changes. This can lead right into the sex talk. “Now that you are becoming a man you are going to want to have sex so it is time we talked about it.” “You are a man now, you are going to have some questions about sex. Now is a good time to talk with you about it.” Talk about what his “parts” do and what they are for. The how and why people have sex as well as the consequences of having sex. Such as pregnancy and STD’s.
There is always some good looking girl or woman on TV, in movies, and video games. Ask your teen boy if he finds her attractive. Then ask what he finds attractive in girls or women. What “feelings” he has and what he would like to do, like hug her or kiss her. This opens up what sex is, what the feelings are and what is and is not ok, how you treat a lady, i.e. no means no.
There are always talk shows on teen sex and the consequences and even on how to talk with your teen about sex. Montel Williams and Dr. Phil usually have at least a few every year. Watch them with your teen boy. Talk about the topic of the show. Use the questions the show opens up.
Teen boys get erections all the time. You can open the conversation by talking about how best to hid them in public; what types of pants to wear and other strategies to avoid embarrassment in public. This is a great way to find out what else your teen boy may have questions about.
Teen boys also start having ejaculations in their sleep, wet dream. This is a great opening to talk about what an ejaculation is and then talk about sex. This is a good time to talk about the issue of having unintentional ejaculation when reacting to stimuli’s, i.e. a pretty girl is talking to you. This can be very embarrassing and teen boys need an idea of what to do when it happens, or a strategy to avoid it from happening.
Buy a box of condoms and use a cucumber to demonstrate how to properly use condoms. This lets you talk about sex, safe sex, STD’s, contraception and hopefully find out what sex myths you son might believe. Myths like clingwrap around the penise works just as well as a condom. This also opens the door to questions like, “What do the different condoms do”, “What condom do girls like best”, “How do you know when to make the first move”
It is not important the way you open the conversation, as long as you have the conversation and give real honest answers. Find out what your son already knows or thinks he knows. If you don’t know what misinformation your son has you cannot let him know the truth. You need to talk about sex, how good it feels, when is the right time, how to control the urge, how to react when a girl says “no”, and how to have control over your body not the other way around. Think about all the things you wish you had known about sex at his age and talk with him about it.
Time goes by so quickly. We meant to have that all important sex talk but the time never seemed right. All of a sudden our little boy is a teen boy and we have to find some way to talk to him about sex. There are a lot of ways to open up a conversation about sex with teen boys. Here are some tips on talking to your teen boy about sex.
The first hair shows up, the typical sign of the onset of puberty. This is a great time to talk about hormones and body changes. This can lead right into the sex talk. “Now that you are becoming a man you are going to want to have sex so it is time we talked about it.” “You are a man now, you are going to have some questions about sex. Now is a good time to talk with you about it.” Talk about what his “parts” do and what they are for. The how and why people have sex as well as the consequences of having sex. Such as pregnancy and STD’s.
There is always some good looking girl or woman on TV, in movies, and video games. Ask your teen boy if he finds her attractive. Then ask what he finds attractive in girls or women. What “feelings” he has and what he would like to do, like hug her or kiss her. This opens up what sex is, what the feelings are and what is and is not ok, how you treat a lady, i.e. no means no.
There are always talk shows on teen sex and the consequences and even on how to talk with your teen about sex. Montel Williams and Dr. Phil usually have at least a few every year. Watch them with your teen boy. Talk about the topic of the show. Use the questions the show opens up.
Teen boys get erections all the time. You can open the conversation by talking about how best to hid them in public; what types of pants to wear and other strategies to avoid embarrassment in public. This is a great way to find out what else your teen boy may have questions about.
Teen boys also start having ejaculations in their sleep, wet dream. This is a great opening to talk about what an ejaculation is and then talk about sex. This is a good time to talk about the issue of having unintentional ejaculation when reacting to stimuli’s, i.e. a pretty girl is talking to you. This can be very embarrassing and teen boys need an idea of what to do when it happens, or a strategy to avoid it from happening.
Buy a box of condoms and use a cucumber to demonstrate how to properly use condoms. This lets you talk about sex, safe sex, STD’s, contraception and hopefully find out what sex myths you son might believe. Myths like clingwrap around the penise works just as well as a condom. This also opens the door to questions like, “What do the different condoms do”, “What condom do girls like best”, “How do you know when to make the first move”
It is not important the way you open the conversation, as long as you have the conversation and give real honest answers. Find out what your son already knows or thinks he knows. If you don’t know what misinformation your son has you cannot let him know the truth. You need to talk about sex, how good it feels, when is the right time, how to control the urge, how to react when a girl says “no”, and how to have control over your body not the other way around. Think about all the things you wish you had known about sex at his age and talk with him about it.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Starting the big sex talk dialog when your kid is a three year old
Now talking about sex to your three year old is not going to be the same as if she/he was eight, thirteen, or eighteen. But it is a good place to start and get some things out of the way. It makes it easer to have the bigger talks when they are older. It lets both of you become comfortable with the idea of talking about it and actually having the conversation. The other part is that three year olds need to know some things.
It is a sad thing to say, but for some people a three year old is a sex object and they will prey on them. It is good to let your children know what is ok to touch or have touched as soon as possible. It is also important that children know the real names of their parts so that if some one does touch them then they can say, “So and So put his hand on my vagina”, instead of “he rubbed my kitty.” This is one of the biggest problems police have is that kids use slang words that their parents taught them to use. The police don’t know if the kid means that some one actually touched their penis or vagina or did they touch the kids pet cat, or bird.
So how do you start a conversation about sex with a three year old, and what do you talk to them about?
1) When potty training use the correct term for their bits, penis or vagina. I tend to use the word bum though, not anise. I started when I was changing their diapers, I would tell them I was cleaning their bum, or that is your penis or vagina. It is a very simple thing to do, and to be blunt what is the point of using some made up name or word; it is just going to confuse the kids latter on. It is funny because my three year old keeps saying it is her penis, and I have to keep reminding her that she has a vagina because she is a girl and that boys have a penis.
2) It is also easy to use potty time to mention that their bum and penis or vagina is their private area. This makes it easer for you to let them know that you have private areas as well and that your child needs to tell you if some one is touching your child on their private areas, or asking your child to look at or touch their private areas. Rule of thumb is that if your underwear covers it then it is a private area.
I have asked my three year old and four year old about if anyone has touched them. I was told that the daycare person was cleaning that area when my three year old went in the diaper or potty. She told me, she understood the concept of someone touching that area was something I needed to know. Now I completely expected that answer and have no concerns about the daycare workers as long as that is what her answer is. My 4 year old is expected to clean himself at daycare so if he told me someone was touching him on his private areas then we have a problem.
Today when he used the potty, I asked him for the first time if anyone has asked him to touch his or her private parts. He said no, and we talked about how he should say “No”. He is the one that came up with “No thank you, that’s yucky” and now he knows to tell me about it. It will take some time to get it to the point were he knows to tell everyone who will listen that “so and so” tried to get him to touch their private parts or tried to touch his. But the conversation has already started.
3) Bath time is also a great time to make sure you talk to your kids about what are the names of their parts and what are private parts. This is really great as you get them to wash. We have a story where our kids wash their toes and up to their heads. We go over each body part, and the kids wash. We always leave the private parts last, partly because it helps teach kids not to wash their bum and then their face, but to wash their bum last. It also re-enforces the names of their parts and what is ok and not ok. Like it is ok for them to wash them, but someone else should not be touching them.
4) Today in a public bathroom my daughter noticed a dispenser for pads and tampons. She asked what it was. I told her that it was a dispenser for pads and tampons that women use when on their periods. That was good enough for her, she was happy with that answer. I was happy that she asked and I was able to mention to her for the first time about pads, tampons and period. I know that over the years more opportunities will come and I will use them every chance I get. Especially if my kids open the conversation.
By talking with them now I am creating the groundwork for some real conversations latter on. If I don’t get them comfortable about talking to me now, why should they feel comfortable about talking to me about this type of stuff latter. The same goes for me, if I cannot become comfortable about talking to them about something as simple as what their body parts are called, how can I ever have a real talk about sex and every thing that comes with it with them.
I have to admit that part of the “this is a private part/area” conversation came about because my then two year old started hitting me on my breast and hit her dad in the “jewels” so we started using “no touch that is my private area” in self-defence. She still got a time out for hitting, but she also learned that there are some parts on Mom and Dad that she cannot just reach out and grab or hit. That is just as important for kids to know that as it is for them to know others should not be touching them in the same areas.
It is a sad thing to say, but for some people a three year old is a sex object and they will prey on them. It is good to let your children know what is ok to touch or have touched as soon as possible. It is also important that children know the real names of their parts so that if some one does touch them then they can say, “So and So put his hand on my vagina”, instead of “he rubbed my kitty.” This is one of the biggest problems police have is that kids use slang words that their parents taught them to use. The police don’t know if the kid means that some one actually touched their penis or vagina or did they touch the kids pet cat, or bird.
So how do you start a conversation about sex with a three year old, and what do you talk to them about?
1) When potty training use the correct term for their bits, penis or vagina. I tend to use the word bum though, not anise. I started when I was changing their diapers, I would tell them I was cleaning their bum, or that is your penis or vagina. It is a very simple thing to do, and to be blunt what is the point of using some made up name or word; it is just going to confuse the kids latter on. It is funny because my three year old keeps saying it is her penis, and I have to keep reminding her that she has a vagina because she is a girl and that boys have a penis.
2) It is also easy to use potty time to mention that their bum and penis or vagina is their private area. This makes it easer for you to let them know that you have private areas as well and that your child needs to tell you if some one is touching your child on their private areas, or asking your child to look at or touch their private areas. Rule of thumb is that if your underwear covers it then it is a private area.
I have asked my three year old and four year old about if anyone has touched them. I was told that the daycare person was cleaning that area when my three year old went in the diaper or potty. She told me, she understood the concept of someone touching that area was something I needed to know. Now I completely expected that answer and have no concerns about the daycare workers as long as that is what her answer is. My 4 year old is expected to clean himself at daycare so if he told me someone was touching him on his private areas then we have a problem.
Today when he used the potty, I asked him for the first time if anyone has asked him to touch his or her private parts. He said no, and we talked about how he should say “No”. He is the one that came up with “No thank you, that’s yucky” and now he knows to tell me about it. It will take some time to get it to the point were he knows to tell everyone who will listen that “so and so” tried to get him to touch their private parts or tried to touch his. But the conversation has already started.
3) Bath time is also a great time to make sure you talk to your kids about what are the names of their parts and what are private parts. This is really great as you get them to wash. We have a story where our kids wash their toes and up to their heads. We go over each body part, and the kids wash. We always leave the private parts last, partly because it helps teach kids not to wash their bum and then their face, but to wash their bum last. It also re-enforces the names of their parts and what is ok and not ok. Like it is ok for them to wash them, but someone else should not be touching them.
4) Today in a public bathroom my daughter noticed a dispenser for pads and tampons. She asked what it was. I told her that it was a dispenser for pads and tampons that women use when on their periods. That was good enough for her, she was happy with that answer. I was happy that she asked and I was able to mention to her for the first time about pads, tampons and period. I know that over the years more opportunities will come and I will use them every chance I get. Especially if my kids open the conversation.
By talking with them now I am creating the groundwork for some real conversations latter on. If I don’t get them comfortable about talking to me now, why should they feel comfortable about talking to me about this type of stuff latter. The same goes for me, if I cannot become comfortable about talking to them about something as simple as what their body parts are called, how can I ever have a real talk about sex and every thing that comes with it with them.
I have to admit that part of the “this is a private part/area” conversation came about because my then two year old started hitting me on my breast and hit her dad in the “jewels” so we started using “no touch that is my private area” in self-defence. She still got a time out for hitting, but she also learned that there are some parts on Mom and Dad that she cannot just reach out and grab or hit. That is just as important for kids to know that as it is for them to know others should not be touching them in the same areas.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Signs your spouse is involved in an online affair
The problem with on-line affairs is that most people involved in them don’t think of them as affairs. It’s not like they are “cheating” for real. So some people who would never even dream of having an affair find themselves having an online affair. They can be who they want to be, and “do” what ever they want to with out any real risk or consequences. It is not like they are meeting the person at a hotel room or something. There is no real contact so it does not hurt anyone.
They completely miss the fact that it involves their emotions and time. Emotions and time they should be investing into their spouse. In some cases it goes to the next level and becomes a real affair, one that is physical not just emotional. Whether it is just an on-line or an actual physical affair it is still disruptive and harmful to existing relationships. Online affairs account for a growing number of divorce cases and it is the most frequently treated problem at the Centre for Online Addiction, http://www.netaddiction.com/.
The number of online affairs or Internet romances grows every day. It is so big there is even an Online Affairs Support Centre, http://onlineaffairs.tripod.com/, an anonymous support centre for individuals who want to discuss and support others in understanding the "online affair" or "internet romance". It is open to people whose spouse or partner had or is having an online affair, or those who have been hurt by their online friend. As well as people currently or are considering having an Internet romance.
How do you know if your spouse is having an online affair? Your gut instinct is a very good sign. If you think some thing is going on, chances are you are right. However you don’t want to just go on your instinct, you may want to read The more you know, http://www.themoreyouknowpi.com/. There are signs your spouse is involved in an online affair. Here are some signs to keep an eye out for.
Changes in behaviour:
Not sharing or talking to you about their day, or what they are doing on the computer.
Go from telling you about who they met and what they talked about online to not talking about what they do on the computer or just one person as if they stopped talking with them. Early on, before they learn how to hide their tracks, you may find some unusual or inappropriate emails or messages from some one that your spouse just brushes off as a joke or that it was sent to the wrong person.
Wanting to have privacy when they use the computer. Changing the page they are on, turning off the screen/closing laptop up when you come close to the computer. Start taking their laptop with them so you have no access to it.
Spending more time on the computer then with you, or always on the computer whenever you are not around. They check their emails several times a day, when you are not by the computer, delete emails and then dump the garbage/deleted emails so you cannot read them.
Wanting to be intimate with you every time they get off the computer, possibly wanting to try different things. Calling you a new nickname or term of endearment when being intimate with you. Or the very opposite, they no longer seem to want or need intimacy with you, physical or emotional.
Suddenly start using IM (instant messaging)
Changes in computer use:
They have changed the passwords on the computer. There are areas you just cannot get into any more. Possibly have set up as a second user on the computer, a second hard drive or the hard drive is partitioned and you don’t have access to what is on it. Opening an email account that you do not know of, or they don’t want you to look at or they will not give you access to.
There is a live chat (IM) program that was not there before or one that you cannot get access to, or some one uses the program you already have but asks for some one you don’t know. They seem to always be in a chat room “just talking”.
Suddenly there is a web cam, better imaging software, more RAM so it processes faster, and new software to automatically clear all Internet history after chat sessions.
The truth is that you will notice a change in your partner be it a big or small change. They are going to be the same type of changes if they are having an affair in person, or online. You will start questioning what is going on, they will be on the defensive and possibly have an argument about it. They will try to make you think that they are not doing anything wrong and that you have a problem not them. Unfortunately the only way to know for sure is to get them to tell you, not likely to happen. Or you need to catch them.
It is a little easer to catch them on the computer because you can use spy ware programs like Keylogger software that lets you see every keystroke, what is being said and to who. This will give you the proof you are looking for. These days there are all types of spy ware programs available because unfortunately they are needed in business and personal lives. There are companies that will install a spy ware program so your partner is unable to detect it and remove it. The only problem with this is if your partner is using a laptop from work, they get checked all the time and it could cause a big problem if there is a spy ware program on it. Also you have no way of finding out what they are doing on their computer at work.
If you don’t have a laptop you can also install a video camera in such a place as to see the screen. This is not as safe as a spy ware program as it can be found with a physical search. At the same time there are some very cool hidden cameras available these days. This way you can see what they are doing, sometimes at the same time as they are doing it. If you have to go so far as to spy on your partner then there is a real trust issue and you need to take a look at how happy you are in the relationship even if they are not cheating. Though the sad part is, if you think your partner is having an online affair the chances are you are right.
They completely miss the fact that it involves their emotions and time. Emotions and time they should be investing into their spouse. In some cases it goes to the next level and becomes a real affair, one that is physical not just emotional. Whether it is just an on-line or an actual physical affair it is still disruptive and harmful to existing relationships. Online affairs account for a growing number of divorce cases and it is the most frequently treated problem at the Centre for Online Addiction, http://www.netaddiction.com/.
The number of online affairs or Internet romances grows every day. It is so big there is even an Online Affairs Support Centre, http://onlineaffairs.tripod.com/, an anonymous support centre for individuals who want to discuss and support others in understanding the "online affair" or "internet romance". It is open to people whose spouse or partner had or is having an online affair, or those who have been hurt by their online friend. As well as people currently or are considering having an Internet romance.
How do you know if your spouse is having an online affair? Your gut instinct is a very good sign. If you think some thing is going on, chances are you are right. However you don’t want to just go on your instinct, you may want to read The more you know, http://www.themoreyouknowpi.com/. There are signs your spouse is involved in an online affair. Here are some signs to keep an eye out for.
Changes in behaviour:
Not sharing or talking to you about their day, or what they are doing on the computer.
Go from telling you about who they met and what they talked about online to not talking about what they do on the computer or just one person as if they stopped talking with them. Early on, before they learn how to hide their tracks, you may find some unusual or inappropriate emails or messages from some one that your spouse just brushes off as a joke or that it was sent to the wrong person.
Wanting to have privacy when they use the computer. Changing the page they are on, turning off the screen/closing laptop up when you come close to the computer. Start taking their laptop with them so you have no access to it.
Spending more time on the computer then with you, or always on the computer whenever you are not around. They check their emails several times a day, when you are not by the computer, delete emails and then dump the garbage/deleted emails so you cannot read them.
Wanting to be intimate with you every time they get off the computer, possibly wanting to try different things. Calling you a new nickname or term of endearment when being intimate with you. Or the very opposite, they no longer seem to want or need intimacy with you, physical or emotional.
Suddenly start using IM (instant messaging)
Changes in computer use:
They have changed the passwords on the computer. There are areas you just cannot get into any more. Possibly have set up as a second user on the computer, a second hard drive or the hard drive is partitioned and you don’t have access to what is on it. Opening an email account that you do not know of, or they don’t want you to look at or they will not give you access to.
There is a live chat (IM) program that was not there before or one that you cannot get access to, or some one uses the program you already have but asks for some one you don’t know. They seem to always be in a chat room “just talking”.
Suddenly there is a web cam, better imaging software, more RAM so it processes faster, and new software to automatically clear all Internet history after chat sessions.
The truth is that you will notice a change in your partner be it a big or small change. They are going to be the same type of changes if they are having an affair in person, or online. You will start questioning what is going on, they will be on the defensive and possibly have an argument about it. They will try to make you think that they are not doing anything wrong and that you have a problem not them. Unfortunately the only way to know for sure is to get them to tell you, not likely to happen. Or you need to catch them.
It is a little easer to catch them on the computer because you can use spy ware programs like Keylogger software that lets you see every keystroke, what is being said and to who. This will give you the proof you are looking for. These days there are all types of spy ware programs available because unfortunately they are needed in business and personal lives. There are companies that will install a spy ware program so your partner is unable to detect it and remove it. The only problem with this is if your partner is using a laptop from work, they get checked all the time and it could cause a big problem if there is a spy ware program on it. Also you have no way of finding out what they are doing on their computer at work.
If you don’t have a laptop you can also install a video camera in such a place as to see the screen. This is not as safe as a spy ware program as it can be found with a physical search. At the same time there are some very cool hidden cameras available these days. This way you can see what they are doing, sometimes at the same time as they are doing it. If you have to go so far as to spy on your partner then there is a real trust issue and you need to take a look at how happy you are in the relationship even if they are not cheating. Though the sad part is, if you think your partner is having an online affair the chances are you are right.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
How to keep your teen boy safe when he parties
The best way to keep your teen boy safe when he parties is to have the parties in your home. That way you know where he is, whom he is hanging out with, and what he is doing. It can be stressful having a bunch of teens in your home all the time, making a mess and eating all your food. Is it more stressful then worrying about what your teen boy is up to when he is not in your home? The reality of your home being the party house is slim to none. Teens will go to the home with the least supervision, no adults there, or adults that don’t care.
These days you don’t have much control over your teen boy. Sure you can GPS them, make them check in every hour, drug test them, control most of the money they have unless they have a job, and in some ways control who they hang out with, when and where. But only your son can control his actions and decisions. The best protection for your son when he is outside of your control is for him to be well informed about his options and the consequences of his actions. This means making sure he is well informed about the realities and consequences of sex, drugs, alcohol, crime and violence.
Do not just have the “don’t do drugs, drink, have sex or break the law” conversation. You need to show your teen boy what drugs and alcohol will do to him and his friends. What the real affect drugs and alcohol have on them. How it changes what they think and do, how “dumb” they become under the influence. How over time it changes your physical appearance from young and healthy to sickly and ugly. How it can kill him and his friends in many ways from overdose to being around the wrong people and being killed for the drugs or money. Find a way to show them what detox is actually like. Let them know all the realities about drug and alcohol use, not some Disney version of it.
Sex, well they are going to want to do it. You son needs to know what can happen when he has sex. This includes pregnancy and STD’s. He also needs a clear idea of what is OK and not OK, the “if a person says no it means no” conversation. It is not OK to have sex with a person just because they are too drunk to say no. Keep him safe from misunderstandings and mixed messages. These are things you can talk with him about and help him understand the complexity of having sex with some one. Most people don’t think of it as just sex, so there are the relationship issues to deal with.
Most problems come about because teen boys will do some very stupid things to impress a girl so he can have sex with her. This can lead to fights, and criminal activity like drag racing or theft so he can have the money and clothing to impress her. This is going to be harder to deal with, as you probably have no idea it is going on. Again you have to give them as much information about what is right and wrong and the consequences and then trust them enough to let them make their own mistakes.
These days you don’t have much control over your teen boy. Sure you can GPS them, make them check in every hour, drug test them, control most of the money they have unless they have a job, and in some ways control who they hang out with, when and where. But only your son can control his actions and decisions. The best protection for your son when he is outside of your control is for him to be well informed about his options and the consequences of his actions. This means making sure he is well informed about the realities and consequences of sex, drugs, alcohol, crime and violence.
Do not just have the “don’t do drugs, drink, have sex or break the law” conversation. You need to show your teen boy what drugs and alcohol will do to him and his friends. What the real affect drugs and alcohol have on them. How it changes what they think and do, how “dumb” they become under the influence. How over time it changes your physical appearance from young and healthy to sickly and ugly. How it can kill him and his friends in many ways from overdose to being around the wrong people and being killed for the drugs or money. Find a way to show them what detox is actually like. Let them know all the realities about drug and alcohol use, not some Disney version of it.
Sex, well they are going to want to do it. You son needs to know what can happen when he has sex. This includes pregnancy and STD’s. He also needs a clear idea of what is OK and not OK, the “if a person says no it means no” conversation. It is not OK to have sex with a person just because they are too drunk to say no. Keep him safe from misunderstandings and mixed messages. These are things you can talk with him about and help him understand the complexity of having sex with some one. Most people don’t think of it as just sex, so there are the relationship issues to deal with.
Most problems come about because teen boys will do some very stupid things to impress a girl so he can have sex with her. This can lead to fights, and criminal activity like drag racing or theft so he can have the money and clothing to impress her. This is going to be harder to deal with, as you probably have no idea it is going on. Again you have to give them as much information about what is right and wrong and the consequences and then trust them enough to let them make their own mistakes.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Questions to ask on a first date
Neutral open-ended questions are the key. Never ask: “what do you do for a living, how much money do you make, religion or politics views, for or against having kids?” There are ways to find out if you are compatible enough for a second date. If you are then you have the time on later dates to find out if there are any deal breakers. The first date is not the place to do that. The idea is to find out if you like each other enough to want to get to know each other more, not find out every thing there is to know about each other. Here are some things to ask:
What would you do if you won the lottery? This can open up a conversation. How they answer the question can tell you a lot about a person, their values, their personality and what some of their likes and dislikes are. It can help show you how compatible you are in some areas.
What is your favourite entertainment? Not what TV shows they like or the best movie they have seen. That is too limited of a question. By asking what favourite entertainment you may find out if they like to go out or stay home. Are they a doer or a watcher? Do they go to concerts, plays, a jazz bar, play poker, race cars, do paint ball, stay home and watch CSI, or any number of things.
What was your favourite cartoon as a kid? This gives you a common neutral ground to start a conversation. It can also lead naturally to other things you both may like and dislike.
How are you enjoying the meal, cup of coffee? It can be what ever you are doing together. Then ask if they like any other restaurants, or coffee shops. This helps you find out what they like and can lead to an opportunity for a second date. I.E. “Well maybe we can go there the next time” or “Lets try that place next.” It is an easy way to get an idea if they are interested in seeing you again and lets them know you are. No second-guessing about how the date is going.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
How to try and raise a drug-free teen
As parents we need to explain to our children, and teens, as early as possible the difference between drugs and medicine. People use the words drug and medicine to mean the same thing. Yes drugs can be medicine, but when we are teaching our children and teens about drugs we have to show that there is a big difference. Teenagers have grown up in a world where a pill can make your pain go away, fix what ever your problems are. It is easy to understand why teenagers will look to drugs to fix things. They need to understand that medicine is some thing a Dr. prescribes to make specific medical and health problems better. Drugs are sold or given by people who want you to get high, become addicted, and then give them money to get more drugs. That is just the start.
I grew up in a home full of drugs and alcohol. I can tell you it made me a drug free teenager. I could see what drugs and alcohol did to people. Why would I ever let myself become one of them? People with no thought or ambition but to make sure they got their next fix or drink. There may not have been money for food or clothing for me, a child but by God there was money for drugs and booze. Usually a child raised in this type of environment is more susceptible to drug and alcohol abuse. I was the acceptation to the rule.
You don’t want your teen to do drugs, show them the real life of a drug addict before they become one. Show them the people living on the streets, selling themselves and even their children for drugs. Show them people who are dieing and still looking for the next hit. The open soars, burns and shrivelled bodies of people who care more about feeding their drug habit instead of their bodies. The hair and teeth falling out as bodies shut down.
Explain the brutal truth about what drugs do to people. Sure they may make you feel as if all your problems are gone, or far away but that only lasts for as long as the drug dose does. Show them people on drugs so they know how people act, there are films and TV shows out there you can use. Show them some one detoxing, all of it. The most effective thing though is to show them how doing drugs will affect how they look. Show them the gradual change from clean and pretty to dirty and ugly drug addict. Vanity can be a powerful thing, use it. Let them know what they have to look forward to if they do drugs; the irrational behaviour, no money, no longer having a social life or friends, selling any thing and every thing for the drug, stealing, and the deterioration of body, mind and soul. You need to show them the truth and then hope it sticks.
Do not sugar coat the reality of drug use. Once you have educated your teens on the reality of drug use they will never go near the stuff right, nope. Most teens don’t think that any of that bad stuff is going to happen to them. They will only use it once to try it. The truth is if they use drugs once they will use again, no matter what the excuses they give they will be back. Some drugs have been designed to take hold of you from the first hit. They change your body so that you need the drug. You will always need it, even once you become clean.
Doing random drug tests at home help your teen say “NO”. It makes it easer for them to give a reason for not doing the drugs, a way out from peer pressure. It is much easer for a teenager to say, “I can’t do that or be in the room when you do it because my parents drug test me when I get home” then to say “No I don’t want to do that”. For the most part unless a teen is looking for drugs to escape their lives they appreciate having a way out from taking them.
So you talk to your teens, trust them and show that trust but still test them for drugs. Tell them that you test them so that they can say, “Sorry, cannot do drugs. I get tested at home.” Explain over and over each time that the testing is so it is easer for them to say no. Don’t stop testing just because your teen has passed all the tests, move to random testing. Yes it is expensive, but not as expensive as loosing your teen to drugs.
The real problem here is that drug dealers are marketing and targeting preteens and teens. Our kids and teens don’t even know that they are taking a drug. It is hidden in some thing the kids and teens like, and then they get hooked on it and still don’t even know its drugs. All they know is they want more of that candy, or drink their friend gave them. Some drugs are mixed in or injected into popular food items and then repackages often with special wrappers or packaging. We are talking about soft gums and chocolate bars that are injected, drug coated candies. We just had a problem this year in my area with Sour keys (and other sour candy) being coated with drugs and given to kids. There are even special suckers where drugs are mixed in with the ingredients when they were being made. It looks like a sucker, why would any one think it was not one. The dealer is not selling drugs to the kids and teens, but a candy that is special. Kids and teenagers become addicted to a drug they may not even know they were taking. Teenagers have an idea that they are buying drugs but can justify it in their minds because they are buying candies, not drugs. Drug testing at home can catch this.
The idea is to get children hooked on drugs early as possible, by any means, and then start making money from them. These days’ drug dealers have a lot of competition so they need to create a market. Then there are designer drugs targeted to look safe to kids and teen. Like the one that is mixed with sugar and food colouring so that it looks likes harmless candy, even though everyone knows it is a drug. Then there are the ones that increase your sex drive, or someone else, or just increase the intensity. Of course a teen is going to be interested in this. Teens also see all the advertisings for sex enhancement drugs on TV, so if it is ok for adults to take things to improve their sex lives, it is ok for them to do the same.
The truth is that we actually cannot stop our kids and teens from taking drugs if they want to. We can try to prevent them from taking them, or wanting to take them. Then we use drug tests to show how serious we are when it comes to drugs, but they only test for exact drugs. We can talk to them, reduce access to drugs, be good examples by not doing drugs, and monitor them. If they do start drugs then we do what it takes to get them off it. The sad part is that often kids and teens are getting drugs from the medicine cabinet in their own home, or can buy over the counter. They can even get other drugs online, all they need is access to a computer, a credit card or a Paypal account. That is very hard to catch. So your teen has some cold medicine and a couple of different containers of painkillers for headaches, backaches, muscle pain. Does that mean they are taking drugs? Possibly. These days there are some very powerful drugs available over the counter, and when taken properly are fine. You don’t know if your teen is taking a handful of mixed pills with a chaser of cold medicine as soon as they are alone, and they are not going to tell you.
I grew up in a home full of drugs and alcohol. I can tell you it made me a drug free teenager. I could see what drugs and alcohol did to people. Why would I ever let myself become one of them? People with no thought or ambition but to make sure they got their next fix or drink. There may not have been money for food or clothing for me, a child but by God there was money for drugs and booze. Usually a child raised in this type of environment is more susceptible to drug and alcohol abuse. I was the acceptation to the rule.
You don’t want your teen to do drugs, show them the real life of a drug addict before they become one. Show them the people living on the streets, selling themselves and even their children for drugs. Show them people who are dieing and still looking for the next hit. The open soars, burns and shrivelled bodies of people who care more about feeding their drug habit instead of their bodies. The hair and teeth falling out as bodies shut down.
Explain the brutal truth about what drugs do to people. Sure they may make you feel as if all your problems are gone, or far away but that only lasts for as long as the drug dose does. Show them people on drugs so they know how people act, there are films and TV shows out there you can use. Show them some one detoxing, all of it. The most effective thing though is to show them how doing drugs will affect how they look. Show them the gradual change from clean and pretty to dirty and ugly drug addict. Vanity can be a powerful thing, use it. Let them know what they have to look forward to if they do drugs; the irrational behaviour, no money, no longer having a social life or friends, selling any thing and every thing for the drug, stealing, and the deterioration of body, mind and soul. You need to show them the truth and then hope it sticks.
Do not sugar coat the reality of drug use. Once you have educated your teens on the reality of drug use they will never go near the stuff right, nope. Most teens don’t think that any of that bad stuff is going to happen to them. They will only use it once to try it. The truth is if they use drugs once they will use again, no matter what the excuses they give they will be back. Some drugs have been designed to take hold of you from the first hit. They change your body so that you need the drug. You will always need it, even once you become clean.
Doing random drug tests at home help your teen say “NO”. It makes it easer for them to give a reason for not doing the drugs, a way out from peer pressure. It is much easer for a teenager to say, “I can’t do that or be in the room when you do it because my parents drug test me when I get home” then to say “No I don’t want to do that”. For the most part unless a teen is looking for drugs to escape their lives they appreciate having a way out from taking them.
So you talk to your teens, trust them and show that trust but still test them for drugs. Tell them that you test them so that they can say, “Sorry, cannot do drugs. I get tested at home.” Explain over and over each time that the testing is so it is easer for them to say no. Don’t stop testing just because your teen has passed all the tests, move to random testing. Yes it is expensive, but not as expensive as loosing your teen to drugs.
The real problem here is that drug dealers are marketing and targeting preteens and teens. Our kids and teens don’t even know that they are taking a drug. It is hidden in some thing the kids and teens like, and then they get hooked on it and still don’t even know its drugs. All they know is they want more of that candy, or drink their friend gave them. Some drugs are mixed in or injected into popular food items and then repackages often with special wrappers or packaging. We are talking about soft gums and chocolate bars that are injected, drug coated candies. We just had a problem this year in my area with Sour keys (and other sour candy) being coated with drugs and given to kids. There are even special suckers where drugs are mixed in with the ingredients when they were being made. It looks like a sucker, why would any one think it was not one. The dealer is not selling drugs to the kids and teens, but a candy that is special. Kids and teenagers become addicted to a drug they may not even know they were taking. Teenagers have an idea that they are buying drugs but can justify it in their minds because they are buying candies, not drugs. Drug testing at home can catch this.
The idea is to get children hooked on drugs early as possible, by any means, and then start making money from them. These days’ drug dealers have a lot of competition so they need to create a market. Then there are designer drugs targeted to look safe to kids and teen. Like the one that is mixed with sugar and food colouring so that it looks likes harmless candy, even though everyone knows it is a drug. Then there are the ones that increase your sex drive, or someone else, or just increase the intensity. Of course a teen is going to be interested in this. Teens also see all the advertisings for sex enhancement drugs on TV, so if it is ok for adults to take things to improve their sex lives, it is ok for them to do the same.
The truth is that we actually cannot stop our kids and teens from taking drugs if they want to. We can try to prevent them from taking them, or wanting to take them. Then we use drug tests to show how serious we are when it comes to drugs, but they only test for exact drugs. We can talk to them, reduce access to drugs, be good examples by not doing drugs, and monitor them. If they do start drugs then we do what it takes to get them off it. The sad part is that often kids and teens are getting drugs from the medicine cabinet in their own home, or can buy over the counter. They can even get other drugs online, all they need is access to a computer, a credit card or a Paypal account. That is very hard to catch. So your teen has some cold medicine and a couple of different containers of painkillers for headaches, backaches, muscle pain. Does that mean they are taking drugs? Possibly. These days there are some very powerful drugs available over the counter, and when taken properly are fine. You don’t know if your teen is taking a handful of mixed pills with a chaser of cold medicine as soon as they are alone, and they are not going to tell you.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Tips on talking to your teen girl about sex
As a parent when I think about my girl as a teen and sex a chastity belt comes to mind. You know those medieval contraptions used by husbands going off on a crusade. They would put them on their wives, take the key and go away for a few years. Now I am not thinking about this to keep her from having sex, but to keep other people from having non-consensual sex with her. I figure that if I did my job right I don’t have to worry so much about her decisions but other people’s actions.
As parents we need to have the sex talk with our children, both boys and girls as early as possible. This way they will hopefully have a good idea of what sex is, what is ok and not ok, and the consequences like pregnancy, Aids and other STD’s. We cannot stop our teens from wanting sex, or even having sex. All we can do is try to make sure they make the best possible informed decisions. So how do we start the conversation?
There are a lot of ideas of how to start the sex conversation with your teen. Here are some different tips on talking to your teen girl about sex:
Let her know that you are there for her, and will be glad to answer any questions she has and then wait for her to come to you. This lets her pick the topic and the time. Only problem is most teen girls are not going to turn to their parents for answers about sex.
If your daughter is not a teen yet, start the sex talk by teaching the different body parts. Discus private parts and where babies come from. The earlier you start the easer it is to have the bigger sex conversations as she becomes older.
When explaining about menstrual cycle and what to expect include sex information. Discus how her “parts” work, what they are designed to do, and how and why people have sex. This is a great opportunity to have the big sex talk, and find out what she already knows, and what she has already done.
The best way to start a conversation about sex with you teen girl is to ask some questions or make some observations in a non-accusatory or non-aggressive way. Here are some examples:
When watching TV or a movie as a sex scene comes on, like kissing ask what she thinks about it? Has she kissed any one yet? Who would she like to kiss? Why would she like to kiss them? Does she know what happens after people kiss? This can open the sex conversation, or just help you have small conversations that give the information you want them to know or leads up to the big sex conversation.
When a commercial for contraceptives or safe sex products like condoms is on ask if she knows why people use them. What purpose do they have? Is it important to use them? This will give you the chance to discus consequences of sex such as pregnancy and STD’s. You may even find out she is using them. You can also fix some myths like using a candy bar wrapper is just as good as using a condom to prevent pregnancy and STD’s or that oral sex is not real sex, or that you can not get pregnant your first time. Awareness commercials for Aids are also a good way to start the conversation. Ask if she knows how people get aids.
There are some great talk shows like Dr. Phil and Montel Williams that cover sex topics. Watch them with your teen. Use whatever information or open questions on the show to start the sex conversation with her. Some times the show will do all the hard work for you. You may need to watch more then one show with different sex topics but it all helps. Find out what your daughter thinks about the show and the information given. Talk about what happened to the people on the show or other people you know.
When talking with her about her day or her friends ask if any of her friends are dating. Who she likes and if she has a boyfriend. This is a good way to find out if she likes boys yet, if any of them like her and how she feels about it. This is a good way to steer the conversation to find out if her friends are having sex, or what her friends have told her about sex. Very good way to find out any misinformation she has about sex and for you to clear it up.
There are some great story books out there that you can read as a story to your pre-teen or read with your teen that open the conversation about sex. It lets you be comfortable talking about it and hearing about it from your little girl. It opens the door way for the hard topics and questions; like how do you have sex, why do people have sex, does sex feel good, are you having sex (question for your teen), and what the consequences of sex are.
All these tips can be used to open the conversation. Make sure you have books or some thing to help you answer any questions or explain things. Have honest truthful answers and explanations ready. Give her real explanations about the why and how’s of sex. She cannot make good informed decisions if she does not have the right information. Sex is a good thing at the right time and place.
What we need to make sure our teen daughters understand is that teen boys and even grown men want to have sex with them. Yes even when a teen girl is only 13 guys are trying to get into their pants; they don’t just want to be fiends. For the most part teen boys and men will tell her what ever she wants to hear to try and have sex with her. Others may go a more direct rout, using drugs and alcohol to get rid of her inhibitions, and make it easer for them to convince her to have sex. Others will use alcohol, and drugs to cause her to be unable to fight them off as they rape her. If you are passed out it is kind of hard to say “NO”. Others will just rape, with or with out the use of drugs and alcohol. Our daughters need to know this, not some sanitized version of life. They must understand that this can happen to them, it does not just happen to other people.
We also need to build our teen girls self-esteem so they don’t need to turn to teen boys and men to feel better about them selves. Girls with low self-esteem often turn to sex to become popular and mistake the attention they are getting for love or as giving them value. Others with low self-esteem will let people treat them badly, even selling them to others for sex because they don’t think they are worth more or deserve better. We as parents need to do what we can to stop this from happening. We must let them know they are valued and loved by us, just the way they are.
As parents we need to have the sex talk with our children, both boys and girls as early as possible. This way they will hopefully have a good idea of what sex is, what is ok and not ok, and the consequences like pregnancy, Aids and other STD’s. We cannot stop our teens from wanting sex, or even having sex. All we can do is try to make sure they make the best possible informed decisions. So how do we start the conversation?
There are a lot of ideas of how to start the sex conversation with your teen. Here are some different tips on talking to your teen girl about sex:
Let her know that you are there for her, and will be glad to answer any questions she has and then wait for her to come to you. This lets her pick the topic and the time. Only problem is most teen girls are not going to turn to their parents for answers about sex.
If your daughter is not a teen yet, start the sex talk by teaching the different body parts. Discus private parts and where babies come from. The earlier you start the easer it is to have the bigger sex conversations as she becomes older.
When explaining about menstrual cycle and what to expect include sex information. Discus how her “parts” work, what they are designed to do, and how and why people have sex. This is a great opportunity to have the big sex talk, and find out what she already knows, and what she has already done.
The best way to start a conversation about sex with you teen girl is to ask some questions or make some observations in a non-accusatory or non-aggressive way. Here are some examples:
When watching TV or a movie as a sex scene comes on, like kissing ask what she thinks about it? Has she kissed any one yet? Who would she like to kiss? Why would she like to kiss them? Does she know what happens after people kiss? This can open the sex conversation, or just help you have small conversations that give the information you want them to know or leads up to the big sex conversation.
When a commercial for contraceptives or safe sex products like condoms is on ask if she knows why people use them. What purpose do they have? Is it important to use them? This will give you the chance to discus consequences of sex such as pregnancy and STD’s. You may even find out she is using them. You can also fix some myths like using a candy bar wrapper is just as good as using a condom to prevent pregnancy and STD’s or that oral sex is not real sex, or that you can not get pregnant your first time. Awareness commercials for Aids are also a good way to start the conversation. Ask if she knows how people get aids.
There are some great talk shows like Dr. Phil and Montel Williams that cover sex topics. Watch them with your teen. Use whatever information or open questions on the show to start the sex conversation with her. Some times the show will do all the hard work for you. You may need to watch more then one show with different sex topics but it all helps. Find out what your daughter thinks about the show and the information given. Talk about what happened to the people on the show or other people you know.
When talking with her about her day or her friends ask if any of her friends are dating. Who she likes and if she has a boyfriend. This is a good way to find out if she likes boys yet, if any of them like her and how she feels about it. This is a good way to steer the conversation to find out if her friends are having sex, or what her friends have told her about sex. Very good way to find out any misinformation she has about sex and for you to clear it up.
There are some great story books out there that you can read as a story to your pre-teen or read with your teen that open the conversation about sex. It lets you be comfortable talking about it and hearing about it from your little girl. It opens the door way for the hard topics and questions; like how do you have sex, why do people have sex, does sex feel good, are you having sex (question for your teen), and what the consequences of sex are.
All these tips can be used to open the conversation. Make sure you have books or some thing to help you answer any questions or explain things. Have honest truthful answers and explanations ready. Give her real explanations about the why and how’s of sex. She cannot make good informed decisions if she does not have the right information. Sex is a good thing at the right time and place.
What we need to make sure our teen daughters understand is that teen boys and even grown men want to have sex with them. Yes even when a teen girl is only 13 guys are trying to get into their pants; they don’t just want to be fiends. For the most part teen boys and men will tell her what ever she wants to hear to try and have sex with her. Others may go a more direct rout, using drugs and alcohol to get rid of her inhibitions, and make it easer for them to convince her to have sex. Others will use alcohol, and drugs to cause her to be unable to fight them off as they rape her. If you are passed out it is kind of hard to say “NO”. Others will just rape, with or with out the use of drugs and alcohol. Our daughters need to know this, not some sanitized version of life. They must understand that this can happen to them, it does not just happen to other people.
We also need to build our teen girls self-esteem so they don’t need to turn to teen boys and men to feel better about them selves. Girls with low self-esteem often turn to sex to become popular and mistake the attention they are getting for love or as giving them value. Others with low self-esteem will let people treat them badly, even selling them to others for sex because they don’t think they are worth more or deserve better. We as parents need to do what we can to stop this from happening. We must let them know they are valued and loved by us, just the way they are.
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