Potty training regression

Lots of deep breathing!

I have to keep my frustration and anger in check.

My daughter was potty trained some time ago. Then she suddenly started peeing herself. It was frustrating. Why the sudden change. It was suggested she was under stress, or it could be a control issue, even an expression of anger, or a fear of the toilet flushing noise. There was the stress of knowing she would be starting school (JK) and her best friends moving way. We took her to the Dr. to make sure she did not have an infection. He had some tests and an ultra sound done. Her bladder is small and may not be able to keep up with her body. No explanation for why she was trained before and now is only trained when she wants to be. Her bladder was the same size then as it is now.

So we went back to pull ups. Only to have her not even trying to use the bathroom. She had a diaper on, why use the toilet is she could go in a diaper? Not the reaction we needed. So off come the pull ups, now we start the reminders and timers with no success. She stood in the bathroom doorway and peed on the floor, looking at the toilet. WHAT ARE YOU DOING! I don’t have a chair, couch, bed, rug or spot on the floor she has not peed on.

Now she has changed daycares and will be starting kindergarten next week. She regressed even more. It started at the day care. Two days in a row it was not pee but something even far less pleasant. Both days the daycare worker conveniently did not notice until I picked her up and asked her if she had not noticed the smell. All she had to say was that my daughter did not say anything. Then Grandpa died. Now the real fun begins. My daughter is not even trying to use the toilet. Lots of laundry, frustration and anger.

I am on my third straight day of dealing with a kid who just does not seem to care enough not to go bathroom in her underwear. Anger definitely does not work, nor does showing frustration, sadness or disappointment. Bribery, also known as positive reinforcement, is having no effect.

My husband said to just chill and give it time. She is just not handling things very well. Easy for him to say, he is not here dealing with her little surprises. I am under a lot of stress too, and this is not helping. I don’t get to be stressed though, I am a Mom and as a Mom I am supposed to suck it all up, deal with it and put the best possible face on for the kids.

They are asleep and I am stressing now, and letting it show, and your reading about it. I sure hope this little anti-toilet faze ends soon.

Dealing with the loss of friends because they moved

My neighbor moved and with her my children’s best friends. It was a difficult situation. My children are a bit too young to fully understand the consequences. We watched my neighbor’s children for three days as they prepared for the move and actually moved. My kids loved spending so much time with their best friends. They cried when their best friends drove away for the last time.
My four year old daughter has been asking to visit her best friend, a month after the move. She keeps going to the door and saying, oh they are not home. When will they come home? It would be easier if our neighbor followed through with her promises to both sets of kids. She told them that she would bring her kids to visit. She did not. She sent her boyfriend to pick up their mail from us instead of bringing her kids over to play with mine.

It would also be easier if they could call each other or even do video IM with each other. My neighbor is not interested in letting her kids do that. So suddenly the children my kids have been playing with for half their lives are gone. Now as a parent I have to find some way to teach them how to deal with this loss.

And it is a loss to them. It is not like they can get into a car and visit their friends. They cannot call them or visit them. They are just gone. We have talked about it. My oldest seems to be doing ok. I know he misses his best friend but we are hoping he will make new friends when he goes to grade one. My daughter keeps expecting her best friend to come home and play with her. I am hoping that going into JK will give her the opportunity to make new friends and move on. Only time and new friends is going to make this any easier on my children. Oh, and lots of hugs from Mommy.

Sick day turns into a fun tent day

My kids were both sick with colds so I kept them home just to be on the safe side. However I was not expecting to enjoy the day at home, trapped in a house with two kids not feeling very well. Then the cold medicine kicked in and I had two grumpy kids full of energy.

My kids decided all on their own that it was tent day. We pulled in the chairs from the kitchen and just about everything else the kids could get their hands on and they built a fort (with a little bit of help from Mom). The kids spent most of the day building and rebuilding the fort. The rest of the time was spent in the fort playing with each other and watching TV. They even made rooms for each of them to hang out and a living room that fit both of them, right in front of the TV. The only problem we had was when a blanket knocked down the bowl of chips. But the mess was soon cleaned up and they were off again.

The funny part was other then having me help out a little bit they did not want my attention, the tent was just to much fun. I kind of missed it, but at the same time did not mind that they were playing so well together for two grumpy sick kids. What could have been a difficult miserable day turned into a pretty good day simply because I let the kids do what they wanted to instead of worrying about the mess they were making.

Single parent and dating

How do single parents deal with dating and the potential heart break for their children? How hard is it to let someone into your life, and your children’s lives knowing that there is no guaranty they will be there in a year or even next week. I am seeing my friends having to make the decision to date or not. When children involved there is more risk of failed relationships and heartache all around. You also have to think about whom you are letting into your home and life.

When do you bring the person you are dating into your children’s lives? Is it better to develop a relationship with out involving your children or develop one with your children? There are pros and cons for both of these. If you develop a relationship with out involving your kids suddenly you are involved with someone your kids don’t know. What if the person you are involved with does not like your kids. You are in love but they don’t want your kids or your kids hate them. Or on the other hand you develop a relationship involving your kids, your kids form attachments and suddenly things are not going so will in the relationship. How does that affect your kids? Is it worth the risk of hurting your children?

One friend has decided that she cannot take the chance of her children developing a relationship with a father figure only to loose him like they did their father. She would like to date but knows that with three boys, one about to be a teenager, the chance of being able to form a lasting relationship is slim right now. The boys are going to either resent any male she brings into the relationship or try to bond with him to fill the void their Father has left. The potential conflict and pain is just not worth it right now.

Another is currently dealing with the break up of her year and a half relationship, watching her children go through the same pain they did when her and their dad went there separate ways. At lest with their Dad there is the chance of seeing him as he does have visitations if he wants. The problem is that they have seen more of the boyfriend then the Dad in the last two years and have bonded with him. They are having to go through all that pain and feeling of rejection again. And the boyfriend is not going to be coming over for visitations. They keep asking about him, “When is he coming back?” “Why does he not love them anymore?”

One friend gets his son on weekends, and he is stuck between his girlfriend and his son. The girlfriend is somewhat resentful that weekends always involve a third party, that all their plans revolve around the demands of his son’s mother. When they have to pick him up, drop him off. Suddenly they have to take him, or they don’t get him and their plans change. It is a big stressor on the relationship dealing with the disruptions and not being able to be spontaneous. The father is worried about what would happen if they have children. How will that impact his son, and how will his girlfriend treat his son once she has her own kids. It is a huge balancing act.

Then there is the question of whom are you actually letting into your home and giving access to your children. You take a chance every time you involve someone new into your child or children’s lives. Are they really going to have your child’s best interest at hart? There are people who prey on children, are you and your child a target? When you are a parent you have to protect your children, who else will? It can be incredibly difficult when you have children and want to date. You cannot always go off and do what you want or be with whom you want. A person is not just dating you, but your whole family package.

Does this mean that there is no hope, just find a cave and crawl into it until your kids are old enough to live on there own? No. It just means that when you have kids it changes dating and relationships. It changes how you go about developing a relationship and how you deal with break ups. It is not all about you and your feelings anymore; you have to think about your children as well. I don’t know how people do it. I think I would be one to stop dating until my kids moved out. It is hard enough to raise kids or develop a lasting relationship let alone trying to do both at the same time.

Somewhere along the way I lost my name!

I know I had one. I remember as a child hearing it being called over and over again by frustrated adults. I remember having to respond to it in school and later it was found on things like report cards, drivers license and paychecks. I knew who I was. My name was my identity. What I did in life, what my role in life changed but my name was always with me.

Then one day I stopped being me. I became Mom, Mother, Mommy, Momma, and so and so’s Mom. Even my husband calls me Mom in front of the kids, the same as I refer to him as Dad, to avoid confusing our children. Other parents don’t know my name, nor I theirs. But as we pass each other from dropping our kids off to school or preschool our children identify us as “that is ______ Mom.” I find myself responding to children as they say, “ Hi *****”s Mom.” When I call the preschool or school I use my name but still have to identify myself as, “I am ****’s Mom”, before they know me.

My identity lost is lost not in a role, not a job or title but a state of being. I don’t always enjoy being a mother but I would not change it for anything. I used to say that what I did, what job I had did not define me, that it was just what I did. Being a parent is part of me, not something I do but an actual change of who I am. Did I think becoming a parent would change me, no, but it did. I identify myself as being a Mom. I am still a business owner, accountant, wife and a strong individual but somehow those are just part of who I am overshadowed by my role of Mom. I don’t think that is going to change. Hopefully I will always be Mom, because as long as my children are alive I will be Mom. One day if I am lucky I will become Grandmother and even Great Grandmother.

Not a deadbeat Dad but a sometimes Dad

We all hear about the deadbeat Dad’s but what about the ones that are not. The ones who miss their kids and want to be full time everyday Dad’s who only get to be sometime Dad’s. The ones who have to watch as their kids call someone else Daddy, someone they spend everyday with and he only gets the odd weekend and phone calls. Men who struggle with the lost of time with their children. Time they can never make up on a weekend or over the phone. Someone else is giving them bath time, reading stories at night, doing monster hunts, fixing boo boo’s and holding their hand as they walk to school.

One day “Bob” came home to his common-law wife only to be told that she was not happy anymore, did not love him anymore and that she had packed his bag and he was to leave. Their son was being babysat because she did not what him to see the fight and Bob leave. So Bob went from being a Daily Dad to a sometimes Dad in a blink of an eye. Now he was homeless, without his family and at a complete loss. He moved in with friends for a few days as he tried to work things out with his wife. They all thought it would only be for a few days, but no.

Eventually he found a place to live and a job. He agreed to help out his sister, a single mom, who needed someone to watch her children when she went to school. He needed a place to live and she could supply that. It was with the understanding that this was only until he could work things out with his wife. Unfortunately it was not in the same town as his ex and son, but as he said “It is not like I am getting to spend any time with my son as it is, she will not let me see him.”

It has been a few months now and his wife just told him that she is already moving on with her life and so should he. The guy that was just a friend turns out to have been more then just a friend. He is devastated. He misses spending time with his son. He never gets to see him because he lives in another town and has no car. On top of that she is not being that co-operative. She cut Bob out of her life and does not understand what the problem is, so what if that means he does not get to see his son anymore.

It is eating this man up from the inside out. It is killing him. He is missing being able to read stories at bedtime and just playing with his son. He is going to miss out on being his son’s hero, to teach him to ride a bike, tie his shoes, and everything else that is part of being a father. Halloween is coming up and he will not be there to help his son find the right costume, or go trick or treating. Then Christmas. He does not even know what he son would like, and has no way of talking to him to find out. He does not know if his son will even know the gift was from him or will she just say it is from Santa. He is quickly becoming a stranger to his own son, a little boy he loves with all his hart.

How do you go from holding your son’s hand as he goes to sleep to not seeing him at all? How will his son know him, and know that he loves him if he is not part of his life?

Until I met this man and have seen what this has been doing to him over the last few months I never thought about what it was like for the father when families go wrong. I always saw single Mom’s talking about deadbeat Dad’s. Who sees the other side of the fence, the fathers struggling with being separated from their children? It is easy to see the single Mom and identify with her, but it is harder to see and identify the man who is torn up inside because it has been a week since he last saw his kids and he will not get to see them for another week, or the men who don’t get to see their kids at all.

I am not saying that there are not deadbeat Dad’s. My own father was one. I am just saying that it is a horrible thing to be separated from your children whether you are a man or a woman. Dad’s can and do feel anguish and sorrow over the loss of their time with their children. The moments and memories they are not going to have and struggle with being a sometimes Dad, trying to make the most out of what little time they have. How can you develop a relationship with your children if you don’t get to be a part of their lives?

*Bob is not his real name, I used that to protect his privacy.

Would you parent differently if you knew you were dying?

It is a hard question, one most of us don't want to think about. But how would knowing that you are dying change how you live and parent. I would like to think that I would not be different, but I know that I would try to make the most out of every moment I had. It would change how I parent and just how I live my life. Would it change yours? How would you handle dying and being a parent?

I don't want to ever be in the position of knowing that I was dying, but at the same time at least if you know death is coming it gives you the chance to say goodbye, tell people what you think and feel. A chance to fix things and enjoy what is left of your life with those you love. It gives you the chance to do things you always wanted to but just never had the time. It gives you the time to try and create lasting memories for your friends and family to cherish after you are gone.

There is one Mother who is dying and willing to talk about it. She has a blog called the diary of a dying mom. It is well written and interesting just on its own. She has a story that is worth reading and thinking about. Though some days it just rips my hart out knowing what she is going through, hoping that she has enough time to give enough happy memories to her children before she dies. What reflections would you have? Would they be good ones or not? If not then maybe it is time to start creating positive memories even if you are not dying. It is a sad life if you don't have any good memories. I think that when I am angry or frustrated with my kids and just life in general it will do me some good to read her blog and get things back into perspective.

It has been said many times over in many different words but it comes down to "Live your life as if it is the last day you have on this earth."

Single Mom’s Fathers Day dilemma

So what do you do when you are a single Mom and Fathers day comes along? Things are fine if the Dad still has consistent positive contact with their kids. Unfortunately this is not always the case.

As a child I had limited contact with my Dad. My Mother never had me do anything for Fathers day. Eventually I chose to make and send my Dad Fathers day gifts. I made that decision on my own. It was my way to reach out to my Dad. It did not change a thing and eventually I stopped, again my decision. It could not have been easy for my Mother to let me do this year after year only to be let down by my Dad yet again.

I have several friends who are single Mothers having to deal with difficult Fathers day decisions. The fathers are either absent, abusive or not reliable; i.e. say they will show up and don’t.

The ones with the absent or abusive Dads cannot let their kids see their Dads for obvious reasons. With the unreliable Dads do you make plans for your kids to spend Fathers day with him? You know that there is a higher chance of him canceling or just not showing up then there is of him actually spending time with his kids. Is it better to have no contact or to not make planes or live with the possibility of him rejecting and hurting your kids again?

This is an incredibly difficult situation to be in. If your child wants to do something for Fathers day let them, even if you know that Dad is not going to respond. The truth is that at this point it is not for the Dad but for the child. Let them be just like their friends, making something for Dad. It is also a good way to let kids express themselves and deal with their feelings.

As a parent it can be heartbreaking to see your child reaching out to someone who is just not there. Kids are not stupid. They figure it out eventually. They will make cards that ask, “Why don’t you play with me, like me, love me?” Let them say what they want. No matter what you will still have to find a way to be there for your kids and let them know that it is not them, their Dad is the one with the problem.

How to deal with it? Don’t force your kids to make Fathers day anything and don’t stop them if they want to. Then make the day about them, not their Dad.

Single Mom and Mothers Day

It is important for you to teach your children to value you; Mothers Day is a great opportunity to do that. It is hard when you are a single Mom and end up being the person getting your kids to make a gift or you end up buying your own gift for them to give you. As awkward as it is you need to give your children the opportunity to show how much the love and appreciate you. If you don't show your children that who you are and what you do are special and important how will they learn that it is? So you need to let your kids find a way to show that they love you, even if it ends up that you do all the work so that they have something to give you. If you are lucky than you will have family close by that can help you teach your children what Mothers Day is about.

There are some great things that you can do for yourself on Mothers Day. Find other Mothers and treat yourselves. It can be a wonderful to have an excuse to put yourself first, even if it is only for an hour. Go for lunch when the kids are at school. If you have the money then do the spa day, or what you can afford. Even having dinner out or delivery with your kids can be a treat, something special. It is in all how you handle it. It is not just having pizza for dinner, but Mothers night off, or Mom special meal.

There are quite a few fun things to do with your kids on Mothers Day. Let the kids help with making dinner, or clean up even if they are young and you end up doing more work. This will get them into the habit of doing things for you on Mothers Day, and understand that making or buying something is not the only way to show love and appreciation. Starting a Mothers Day tradition can make things easer on you and your kids. Every year make hand impressions in plaster of paris is fun, and the kids can paint them or what ever. Get a charm bracelet or necklace, every year have the kids pick out a charm so that every year you have a new charm and a good memory of picking it out. What matters is that you find something you and your kids enjoy and turn it into you tradition. It can be as simple as always having a movie night, or you spend the day making a craft, such as hand painted ceramic mugs and such, but you do it together.

Mothers Day can be whatever you and your children make of it.

All grown up gifts for Mothers Day

It was easy when we were kids, a card and some craft we made at school made Mom happy. Now we are all grown up, what do we give Mom for Mothers day? It depends on the relationship we have, how close we live together and what we can afford. There are always traditional gift ideas to fall back on, but sometimes it is nice to be able to have a gift that is unexpected and totally appreciated.

Mothers Day is all about showing how much you appreciate your Mother. If you know your Mother loves something it makes it easer to find unique gifts every year. The real problem is when you just don’t know what to get. You ask but she will not tell you what she would like or always says, “What ever you give is fine.” Some Mothers will appreciate a phone call, a card and flowers others expect something more. Only you know your mother.

Flowers and plants are a nice gift if you don’t live near your Mom as they can be delivered just about any place and you can order at the last minute even if you forget about Mothers day. For a lot of people flowers and a card is what they give their Mother every year. It is quick, easy and can fit into almost every budget. An unusual twist is the new edible fruit arrangements. Those look very cool, are unusual and tasty. Only draw back is that they have to be eaten quickly and stored in the fridge.

Gift baskets/bags are also a quick and easy gift idea. There are tons of companies that will create specialized baskets and deliver them. This is a good gift if you don’t live near by because they are delivered. It is also good if you forgot about Mothers Day because they can be ordered at the last minute. They can be a good idea if you just don’t have the time to go shopping or have no idea what to get as you can order theme ones.

However, gift baskets are a lot of fun to make up yourself and ether mail it or if possible present it to her yourself. The ones you make up yourself are wonderful because almost anything can be put into it. If there are special mementos or things that remind you of your Mom you can put them in and talk or write about what they mean to you, therefore what your Mother means to you. You can put as much or as little time, money and effort into a gift basket as you want to. The more effort you put into it though the better the basket is, even if you don’t have a lot of money or time. Put in mementos and little reminders, like pictures, stories, sea shells that remind you of a special summer vacation, things that are special to you and your mother. Make sure you explain why something is important, what memories you have surrounding that item or image.

A meal is also a nice way to show how you feel. Sometimes a home cooked meal hits the spot and others really enjoy a meal out. Tickets to a show or even taking her out to a show are excellent gift idea as well. Gift certificates or an actual day at the spa with you are nice. A fun treat, even if it is just to get a manicure, pedicure or facial. This is what I would love, a spa day just for me to get away and relax for a few hours.

Having a family photo done with everyone in the family. This may involve having people come from far away but it can be a wonderful gift to arrange. You will have to coordinate everyone to be at a studio at the same time, or hire the photographer to come to you. Then you let your Mother pick the picture she likes the best. Have the picture framed and make a big deal about presenting it to her. This is a wonderful gift when families have spread out all over the place.

There are a lot of options in jewelry for every budget. There are quite a few pendants with #1 Mom, I love you, Hug or any number of Mother symbols in sterling silver up to platinum and any combination of gems. The same can be found in rings, brooches, earrings, necklaces and more. It is important to find something that has value to her. I think that the new picture on a pendant is a great gift. You can give her something to wear and show. The idea is to get a picture of both of you and have it engraved or imprinted onto the pendant. Or even a picture that has significant to her, such as a photo of a great moment in her life.

Many people will give big once in a lifetime gifts to express how they feel; trips, cruses, cars, homes, very expensive jewelry and many other extravagant gifts. Others will find the small things that will make their Mothers happy every year. Little things like showing up unexpectedly and spending time with her, or taking her shopping or cleaning up the house. Sometimes simply find something that she would not do for herself and do it.

Mind you my Mother would find all of this a waste of time and money. She would be much happier if I called and let her talk to the grandchildren, and sent her some strange exotic plant for her greenhouse, or at least some seeds for something odd and unusual. Every Mother is different. It is going to be a matter of sticking with the tried and true card, flowers and meal combo or trying for something else.