When someone close to your family dies you have a lot to deal with. First you have your own grief. At the same time you need to be aware of how the death is affecting your child or children. How do you explain death to them? Do you let them say goodbye? Do you take them to the viewing and or funeral or keep them away from it all? It all depends on the child.
In the last year I know several families all dealing the deaths. They all handled it differently. Several different scenarios occurred, all with upsides and downsides.
1) Grandma died. It was explained to the children that Grandma was in heaven. They decided not to take their kids to the funeral or the viewing. The little girl keeps asking when Grandma is coming back from heaven. The little boy is angry because he did not get to say goodbye to Grandma like everyone else. Looking back the family thinks that they should have taken the kids to the funeral and possibly to viewing so that they could see that Grandma was dead and say goodbye.
2) An uncle died. The three boys want to go to the funeral and say goodbye. They did not get to say goodbye when other family members had passed on and they are upset about it. Mom is concerned about dealing with inappropriate behavior at the funeral. That they are going to be asking a lot of questions and are not going to be quiet and respectful. She is expecting to be embarrassed because her boys are disruptive of others morning. She would like to keep them home in respect for others at the funeral. It is a conflict because she also knows her boys don’t just want to say goodbye, they need to. They have had a real time understanding that other family members are dead, they never saw the body, and did not get to say goodbye. The older boy is actually angry that he did not get to see and say goodbye to Grandpa when he died a year ago. He needs some type of closure, and talking to him about it is just not enough. At this point she is planning to take them to the funeral because her boys need this and other people will just have to understand that they are children dealing with a loss as well.
3) Grandpa died. The boy wants to go to the viewing and say goodbye, the girl does not want to see the body. He wants to go to the funeral she does not. The single Mom had to decide what to do, leave one home with a babysitter, make both stay or both go. She decided to take the boy to the viewing, and both to the funeral to say goodbye. She felt it gave both kids closure and that if the girl had not gone she would have regretted it latter. Both kids had questions about death and the funeral, all of which the Mom tried to deal with before they got to the funeral. She decided to talk the kids through the funeral before they went. She told them what to expect, what people would be doing and what was expected of them. This helped out a lot. It took away the girls fear, and answered the boy’s questions. It gave them time to be comfortable with the funeral. There were a lot of what happens when you die, and why do people die questions. The pre talk actually helped a lot, and started to give the kids closure even before they went to the funeral. It was very hard on the Mom.
As much as we would like to protect our children from the reality of death, it seems that they need closure as much as we do. In our own grief it can be hard to see that. We don’t want to have to deal with it, and think our children will be unable to deal with it. That dealing with death will harm them somehow. We think that we are protecting them by keeping them away from viewings or funerals.
Yet we already know that kids need to say goodbye just as much as we do. Look what happens when a pet dies. Often we will have some goodbye ceremony, a funeral (if possible) and some type of morning. If this is what we need to do for a pet then we need to do the same when it is a person. It is a type of closure. Many children are unable to accept that someone has died until they see the body, or the funeral.
That does not mean it is going to be easy. I heard quite a few horror stories of kids being scared of the body and having nightmares for weeks. Another kid kept asking when Grandma was going to jump out of the box and yell surprise. She was quite upset when they actually buried the casket because Grandma was in there. How was she going to get out? Another kid yelled boo and wake up at the body and tried to poke it. Grandpa was just sleeping and he was trying to wake him up. It is all very stressful for everyone involved. You cannot give into your grief because you have to deal with your kids and that just makes it even harder on you.
So in one way it may be easer on us the parents to leave the kids at home. However, it seems not going to the funeral is more stressful for the kids and possibly more stressful for the parents in the long run. It is all going to comedown to what you the parent thinks is going to be best for your child.
Showing posts with label girl. Show all posts
Showing posts with label girl. Show all posts
Friday, June 13, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Finding 5 minutes to play with your kids
We are all good at finding reasons for why we cannot find time to play with our kids. There is never anytime to get everything we need to get done in the day let alone play. I personally find this to be my weakness as a parent. I can supervise with the best of them but struggle to make time to play with my kids.
Yet I know that just taking the time to play with them has way more benefits then not. I know giving them five to ten minutes of playtime with me a day increases their positive behaviors and actually frees more time for me. But I still struggle to remember to make the time. It is difficult for me to play, not instruct or supervise.
At one point I actually scheduled playtime in my day timer. That worked for a bit and then other things started to interfere with it. It is summer and all the kids want to do is play outside with their friends. By the time the come in it is dinner, bath, story, and then bed time. When do I fit playtime in there with out disrupting the routine? They get hyper when we play and it is not conducive for an easy bedtime, they just want to keep playing. Now 5 minutes is not a lot of time and should be easy to fit into the day.
I realized today that I have the perfect opportunity for playtime several times a day. We wait for the bus every morning for 10 to 15 minutes. We play pirates on the bench at the bus stop. Today they each took a stuffy with them and we played a game with them. It was easy to do and it was a lot more fun then just sitting there. What do I care about what the other people at the bus stop think; I am spending time with my kids. Added bonus was that because the kids were playing with me I did not have to worry about them getting to close to the road or picking up who knows what off the ground. It made it easer and fun for all of us. This is gong to work for us.
I finally figured out that it does not have to be formal playtime on the floor with toys or at the table with play dough. We can play anytime and any place. I think it will be easer to go shopping with them because we can now make a game out of it, and play. Instead of me telling them to keep up, keep your hands to yourself, get back here, don’t touch that. We can play I spy, pirates looking for a treasure (some item on the shopping list), or just about anything the kids can come up with. Trust me they can come up with way better ideas then I can. Bus rides and waiting for the bus, or standing in line are now times to play.
Yet I know that just taking the time to play with them has way more benefits then not. I know giving them five to ten minutes of playtime with me a day increases their positive behaviors and actually frees more time for me. But I still struggle to remember to make the time. It is difficult for me to play, not instruct or supervise.
At one point I actually scheduled playtime in my day timer. That worked for a bit and then other things started to interfere with it. It is summer and all the kids want to do is play outside with their friends. By the time the come in it is dinner, bath, story, and then bed time. When do I fit playtime in there with out disrupting the routine? They get hyper when we play and it is not conducive for an easy bedtime, they just want to keep playing. Now 5 minutes is not a lot of time and should be easy to fit into the day.
I realized today that I have the perfect opportunity for playtime several times a day. We wait for the bus every morning for 10 to 15 minutes. We play pirates on the bench at the bus stop. Today they each took a stuffy with them and we played a game with them. It was easy to do and it was a lot more fun then just sitting there. What do I care about what the other people at the bus stop think; I am spending time with my kids. Added bonus was that because the kids were playing with me I did not have to worry about them getting to close to the road or picking up who knows what off the ground. It made it easer and fun for all of us. This is gong to work for us.
I finally figured out that it does not have to be formal playtime on the floor with toys or at the table with play dough. We can play anytime and any place. I think it will be easer to go shopping with them because we can now make a game out of it, and play. Instead of me telling them to keep up, keep your hands to yourself, get back here, don’t touch that. We can play I spy, pirates looking for a treasure (some item on the shopping list), or just about anything the kids can come up with. Trust me they can come up with way better ideas then I can. Bus rides and waiting for the bus, or standing in line are now times to play.
Friday, May 23, 2008
How to keep your teen girl safe when she parties
How to best keep your teen girl safe when she parties, become the party home. Let your home become the one every one hangs out at. Sure you have a messy house and a large food bill but at least you know where your teen daughter is at and what she is doing. You can control what goes on in your home, make sure drugs and alcohol is not getting into the teens, and no place for them to have sex. The reality of this actually happening is slim to none as teenagers want to party at the place with the least supervision. So you have to deal with the reality that your teenager is going to party with her friends some where out of your control.
You need to teach your teen girl that she can party and have fun without drugs or alcohol, give her the real information about what drugs and alcohol do to a person. Control what you can and educate her on every thing else. We also must teach by example. What is the point of saying, “Do as I tell you not as I do”? It does no good to tell a teen girl not to do some thing she sees her parents and other role models doing.
Things parents need to think about to keep their teen girl safe when she parties. People need to understand that a party can be any activity outside your supervision. It can be at a school party, a birthday party, friends home, at underage dance clubs, or your teen girl can get fake ID and get into actual bars and clubs. There are too many things to worry about these days. If we let our teen girls party we need to make sure they understand what is ok, not ok and the consequences of her and others actions. What are we the parents most concerned with? Sex, Drugs and alcohol for the most part.
Let us deal with each of these: First Sex.
As parents we need to have the sex talk with our children, both boys and girls as early as possible. This way they will hopefully have a good idea of what sex is, what is ok and not ok, and the consequences like pregnancy, Aids and other STD’s. We cannot stop our teens from wanting sex, or even having sex. All we can do is try to make sure they make the best possible informed decisions.
We also need to build our teen girls self-esteem so they don’t need to turn to teen boys and men to feel better about them selves. Girls with low self-esteem often turn to sex to become popular and mistake the attention they are getting for love or as giving them value. Others with low self-esteem will let people treat them badly, even selling themselves to others for sex because they don’t think they are worth more or deserve better. We as parents need to do what we can to stop this from happening. We must let them know they are valued and loved by us, just the way they are. Not an easy thing to do.
What we need to make sure our teen daughters understand is that teen boys and even grown men want to have sex with them. Yes even when a teen girl is only 13 guys are trying to get into their pants; they don’t just want to be fiends. For the most part teen boys and men will tell her what ever she wants to hear to try and have sex with her. Others may go a more direct rout, using drugs and alcohol to get rid of her inhibitions, and make it easer for them to convince her to have sex. Others will use alcohol, and drugs to cause her to be unable to fight them off as they rape her. If you are passed out it is kind of hard to say “NO”. Others will just rape, with or with out the use of drugs and alcohol. Our daughters need to know this, not some sanitized version of life. They must understand that this can happen to them, it does not just happen to other people.
Second: Drugs
All children, and teens, must understand the difference between drugs and medicine. Medicine is some thing a Dr. prescribes to make a specific medical problem better. Drugs are sold or given by people who want them to get high, become addicted, and give them money to get more drugs. Sure the idea is that drugs make you feel better, have better sex, or just remove you from problems. The reality is that drugs make you stupid, addicted and change who you are.
So we make sure our kids and teens know not to do drugs. That it is not a cool or fun thing to do, even if other people around you are doing it. Doing random drug tests at home help them say NO. It makes it easer for them to give a reason for not doing the drugs, a way out from peer pressure. It is much easer for a teen to say, “I can’t do that or be in the room when you do it because my parents drug test me when I get home” then to say “No I don’t want to do that”. For the most part unless a teen girl is looking for drugs to escape their lives they appreciate having a way out from taking them.
The real problem here is that drug dealers are marketing and targeting preteens and teens. Our kids and teens don’t even know that they are taking a drug. There were some sour candies that the dealer coated with a drug and they looked the same as the regular sour candies. Others have made special suckers; the drug was mixed in with the sucker ingredients when they were being made. It looks like a sucker, why would any one think it was not one. Then they don’t sell drugs to the kids and teens, but they sell a candy that is special, makes you feel better, or how ever they want to market it. The next thing you know the kids and teens are addicted to a drug they did not even know they were taking. Drug testing at home can catch this and help find where the drug is coming from.
Third: Alcohol
This one is the hard one. It is legal and teen girls see their parents drinking. If it is ok for the parent to drink alcohol why can’t they? It is one of those do as I tell you not as I do type situations, and that never works. A lot of people do not see there is any harm in drinking even when it is underage drinking. Telling teen girls that drinking puts them at risk can help keep them from drinking, but only if they understand the hard facts about it. Not some lame, “Don’t drink its bad for you.” Drinking impairs decision-making so you have to stop them from having the first drink.
Teen girls need to understand that it puts them at risk to be raped as well as other things. Alcohol is responsible for most teen deaths. Death caused by drunk driving is the one most people think of. However alcohol poisoning is right up there as well as non-vehicle related accidents. When some one is drunk or stoned things that would normally be obviously dangerous is not seen that way. This would explain many injuries and deaths like trying to race across a train track and beat the train, or jumping off a cliff into water to go swimming.
How to keep your teen girl from drinking or doing drugs? There are home tests that you can use to tell if she has been drinking or doing drugs. It makes it easer for her to say; “no I get tested when I get home”. If she is old enough to drive get her to always be the designated driver. The best thing to do is to be brutal in showing the consequences. Not just the films about drinking, or showing the cars that were in drinking related accidents. Show them the people on the street, homeless, see if you can show some one detoxing from alcohol or drugs. Have them talk to some one whose friend or family member died from alcohol or drugs. Make her watch how people act when drunk. If she does come home drunk film her. Then show her what she is actually like when drunk.
You need to teach your teen girl that she can party and have fun without drugs or alcohol, give her the real information about what drugs and alcohol do to a person. Control what you can and educate her on every thing else. We also must teach by example. What is the point of saying, “Do as I tell you not as I do”? It does no good to tell a teen girl not to do some thing she sees her parents and other role models doing.
Things parents need to think about to keep their teen girl safe when she parties. People need to understand that a party can be any activity outside your supervision. It can be at a school party, a birthday party, friends home, at underage dance clubs, or your teen girl can get fake ID and get into actual bars and clubs. There are too many things to worry about these days. If we let our teen girls party we need to make sure they understand what is ok, not ok and the consequences of her and others actions. What are we the parents most concerned with? Sex, Drugs and alcohol for the most part.
Let us deal with each of these: First Sex.
As parents we need to have the sex talk with our children, both boys and girls as early as possible. This way they will hopefully have a good idea of what sex is, what is ok and not ok, and the consequences like pregnancy, Aids and other STD’s. We cannot stop our teens from wanting sex, or even having sex. All we can do is try to make sure they make the best possible informed decisions.
We also need to build our teen girls self-esteem so they don’t need to turn to teen boys and men to feel better about them selves. Girls with low self-esteem often turn to sex to become popular and mistake the attention they are getting for love or as giving them value. Others with low self-esteem will let people treat them badly, even selling themselves to others for sex because they don’t think they are worth more or deserve better. We as parents need to do what we can to stop this from happening. We must let them know they are valued and loved by us, just the way they are. Not an easy thing to do.
What we need to make sure our teen daughters understand is that teen boys and even grown men want to have sex with them. Yes even when a teen girl is only 13 guys are trying to get into their pants; they don’t just want to be fiends. For the most part teen boys and men will tell her what ever she wants to hear to try and have sex with her. Others may go a more direct rout, using drugs and alcohol to get rid of her inhibitions, and make it easer for them to convince her to have sex. Others will use alcohol, and drugs to cause her to be unable to fight them off as they rape her. If you are passed out it is kind of hard to say “NO”. Others will just rape, with or with out the use of drugs and alcohol. Our daughters need to know this, not some sanitized version of life. They must understand that this can happen to them, it does not just happen to other people.
Second: Drugs
All children, and teens, must understand the difference between drugs and medicine. Medicine is some thing a Dr. prescribes to make a specific medical problem better. Drugs are sold or given by people who want them to get high, become addicted, and give them money to get more drugs. Sure the idea is that drugs make you feel better, have better sex, or just remove you from problems. The reality is that drugs make you stupid, addicted and change who you are.
So we make sure our kids and teens know not to do drugs. That it is not a cool or fun thing to do, even if other people around you are doing it. Doing random drug tests at home help them say NO. It makes it easer for them to give a reason for not doing the drugs, a way out from peer pressure. It is much easer for a teen to say, “I can’t do that or be in the room when you do it because my parents drug test me when I get home” then to say “No I don’t want to do that”. For the most part unless a teen girl is looking for drugs to escape their lives they appreciate having a way out from taking them.
The real problem here is that drug dealers are marketing and targeting preteens and teens. Our kids and teens don’t even know that they are taking a drug. There were some sour candies that the dealer coated with a drug and they looked the same as the regular sour candies. Others have made special suckers; the drug was mixed in with the sucker ingredients when they were being made. It looks like a sucker, why would any one think it was not one. Then they don’t sell drugs to the kids and teens, but they sell a candy that is special, makes you feel better, or how ever they want to market it. The next thing you know the kids and teens are addicted to a drug they did not even know they were taking. Drug testing at home can catch this and help find where the drug is coming from.
Third: Alcohol
This one is the hard one. It is legal and teen girls see their parents drinking. If it is ok for the parent to drink alcohol why can’t they? It is one of those do as I tell you not as I do type situations, and that never works. A lot of people do not see there is any harm in drinking even when it is underage drinking. Telling teen girls that drinking puts them at risk can help keep them from drinking, but only if they understand the hard facts about it. Not some lame, “Don’t drink its bad for you.” Drinking impairs decision-making so you have to stop them from having the first drink.
Teen girls need to understand that it puts them at risk to be raped as well as other things. Alcohol is responsible for most teen deaths. Death caused by drunk driving is the one most people think of. However alcohol poisoning is right up there as well as non-vehicle related accidents. When some one is drunk or stoned things that would normally be obviously dangerous is not seen that way. This would explain many injuries and deaths like trying to race across a train track and beat the train, or jumping off a cliff into water to go swimming.
How to keep your teen girl from drinking or doing drugs? There are home tests that you can use to tell if she has been drinking or doing drugs. It makes it easer for her to say; “no I get tested when I get home”. If she is old enough to drive get her to always be the designated driver. The best thing to do is to be brutal in showing the consequences. Not just the films about drinking, or showing the cars that were in drinking related accidents. Show them the people on the street, homeless, see if you can show some one detoxing from alcohol or drugs. Have them talk to some one whose friend or family member died from alcohol or drugs. Make her watch how people act when drunk. If she does come home drunk film her. Then show her what she is actually like when drunk.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Starting the big sex talk dialog when your kid is a three year old
Now talking about sex to your three year old is not going to be the same as if she/he was eight, thirteen, or eighteen. But it is a good place to start and get some things out of the way. It makes it easer to have the bigger talks when they are older. It lets both of you become comfortable with the idea of talking about it and actually having the conversation. The other part is that three year olds need to know some things.
It is a sad thing to say, but for some people a three year old is a sex object and they will prey on them. It is good to let your children know what is ok to touch or have touched as soon as possible. It is also important that children know the real names of their parts so that if some one does touch them then they can say, “So and So put his hand on my vagina”, instead of “he rubbed my kitty.” This is one of the biggest problems police have is that kids use slang words that their parents taught them to use. The police don’t know if the kid means that some one actually touched their penis or vagina or did they touch the kids pet cat, or bird.
So how do you start a conversation about sex with a three year old, and what do you talk to them about?
1) When potty training use the correct term for their bits, penis or vagina. I tend to use the word bum though, not anise. I started when I was changing their diapers, I would tell them I was cleaning their bum, or that is your penis or vagina. It is a very simple thing to do, and to be blunt what is the point of using some made up name or word; it is just going to confuse the kids latter on. It is funny because my three year old keeps saying it is her penis, and I have to keep reminding her that she has a vagina because she is a girl and that boys have a penis.
2) It is also easy to use potty time to mention that their bum and penis or vagina is their private area. This makes it easer for you to let them know that you have private areas as well and that your child needs to tell you if some one is touching your child on their private areas, or asking your child to look at or touch their private areas. Rule of thumb is that if your underwear covers it then it is a private area.
I have asked my three year old and four year old about if anyone has touched them. I was told that the daycare person was cleaning that area when my three year old went in the diaper or potty. She told me, she understood the concept of someone touching that area was something I needed to know. Now I completely expected that answer and have no concerns about the daycare workers as long as that is what her answer is. My 4 year old is expected to clean himself at daycare so if he told me someone was touching him on his private areas then we have a problem.
Today when he used the potty, I asked him for the first time if anyone has asked him to touch his or her private parts. He said no, and we talked about how he should say “No”. He is the one that came up with “No thank you, that’s yucky” and now he knows to tell me about it. It will take some time to get it to the point were he knows to tell everyone who will listen that “so and so” tried to get him to touch their private parts or tried to touch his. But the conversation has already started.
3) Bath time is also a great time to make sure you talk to your kids about what are the names of their parts and what are private parts. This is really great as you get them to wash. We have a story where our kids wash their toes and up to their heads. We go over each body part, and the kids wash. We always leave the private parts last, partly because it helps teach kids not to wash their bum and then their face, but to wash their bum last. It also re-enforces the names of their parts and what is ok and not ok. Like it is ok for them to wash them, but someone else should not be touching them.
4) Today in a public bathroom my daughter noticed a dispenser for pads and tampons. She asked what it was. I told her that it was a dispenser for pads and tampons that women use when on their periods. That was good enough for her, she was happy with that answer. I was happy that she asked and I was able to mention to her for the first time about pads, tampons and period. I know that over the years more opportunities will come and I will use them every chance I get. Especially if my kids open the conversation.
By talking with them now I am creating the groundwork for some real conversations latter on. If I don’t get them comfortable about talking to me now, why should they feel comfortable about talking to me about this type of stuff latter. The same goes for me, if I cannot become comfortable about talking to them about something as simple as what their body parts are called, how can I ever have a real talk about sex and every thing that comes with it with them.
I have to admit that part of the “this is a private part/area” conversation came about because my then two year old started hitting me on my breast and hit her dad in the “jewels” so we started using “no touch that is my private area” in self-defence. She still got a time out for hitting, but she also learned that there are some parts on Mom and Dad that she cannot just reach out and grab or hit. That is just as important for kids to know that as it is for them to know others should not be touching them in the same areas.
It is a sad thing to say, but for some people a three year old is a sex object and they will prey on them. It is good to let your children know what is ok to touch or have touched as soon as possible. It is also important that children know the real names of their parts so that if some one does touch them then they can say, “So and So put his hand on my vagina”, instead of “he rubbed my kitty.” This is one of the biggest problems police have is that kids use slang words that their parents taught them to use. The police don’t know if the kid means that some one actually touched their penis or vagina or did they touch the kids pet cat, or bird.
So how do you start a conversation about sex with a three year old, and what do you talk to them about?
1) When potty training use the correct term for their bits, penis or vagina. I tend to use the word bum though, not anise. I started when I was changing their diapers, I would tell them I was cleaning their bum, or that is your penis or vagina. It is a very simple thing to do, and to be blunt what is the point of using some made up name or word; it is just going to confuse the kids latter on. It is funny because my three year old keeps saying it is her penis, and I have to keep reminding her that she has a vagina because she is a girl and that boys have a penis.
2) It is also easy to use potty time to mention that their bum and penis or vagina is their private area. This makes it easer for you to let them know that you have private areas as well and that your child needs to tell you if some one is touching your child on their private areas, or asking your child to look at or touch their private areas. Rule of thumb is that if your underwear covers it then it is a private area.
I have asked my three year old and four year old about if anyone has touched them. I was told that the daycare person was cleaning that area when my three year old went in the diaper or potty. She told me, she understood the concept of someone touching that area was something I needed to know. Now I completely expected that answer and have no concerns about the daycare workers as long as that is what her answer is. My 4 year old is expected to clean himself at daycare so if he told me someone was touching him on his private areas then we have a problem.
Today when he used the potty, I asked him for the first time if anyone has asked him to touch his or her private parts. He said no, and we talked about how he should say “No”. He is the one that came up with “No thank you, that’s yucky” and now he knows to tell me about it. It will take some time to get it to the point were he knows to tell everyone who will listen that “so and so” tried to get him to touch their private parts or tried to touch his. But the conversation has already started.
3) Bath time is also a great time to make sure you talk to your kids about what are the names of their parts and what are private parts. This is really great as you get them to wash. We have a story where our kids wash their toes and up to their heads. We go over each body part, and the kids wash. We always leave the private parts last, partly because it helps teach kids not to wash their bum and then their face, but to wash their bum last. It also re-enforces the names of their parts and what is ok and not ok. Like it is ok for them to wash them, but someone else should not be touching them.
4) Today in a public bathroom my daughter noticed a dispenser for pads and tampons. She asked what it was. I told her that it was a dispenser for pads and tampons that women use when on their periods. That was good enough for her, she was happy with that answer. I was happy that she asked and I was able to mention to her for the first time about pads, tampons and period. I know that over the years more opportunities will come and I will use them every chance I get. Especially if my kids open the conversation.
By talking with them now I am creating the groundwork for some real conversations latter on. If I don’t get them comfortable about talking to me now, why should they feel comfortable about talking to me about this type of stuff latter. The same goes for me, if I cannot become comfortable about talking to them about something as simple as what their body parts are called, how can I ever have a real talk about sex and every thing that comes with it with them.
I have to admit that part of the “this is a private part/area” conversation came about because my then two year old started hitting me on my breast and hit her dad in the “jewels” so we started using “no touch that is my private area” in self-defence. She still got a time out for hitting, but she also learned that there are some parts on Mom and Dad that she cannot just reach out and grab or hit. That is just as important for kids to know that as it is for them to know others should not be touching them in the same areas.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Tips on talking to your teen girl about sex
As a parent when I think about my girl as a teen and sex a chastity belt comes to mind. You know those medieval contraptions used by husbands going off on a crusade. They would put them on their wives, take the key and go away for a few years. Now I am not thinking about this to keep her from having sex, but to keep other people from having non-consensual sex with her. I figure that if I did my job right I don’t have to worry so much about her decisions but other people’s actions.
As parents we need to have the sex talk with our children, both boys and girls as early as possible. This way they will hopefully have a good idea of what sex is, what is ok and not ok, and the consequences like pregnancy, Aids and other STD’s. We cannot stop our teens from wanting sex, or even having sex. All we can do is try to make sure they make the best possible informed decisions. So how do we start the conversation?
There are a lot of ideas of how to start the sex conversation with your teen. Here are some different tips on talking to your teen girl about sex:
Let her know that you are there for her, and will be glad to answer any questions she has and then wait for her to come to you. This lets her pick the topic and the time. Only problem is most teen girls are not going to turn to their parents for answers about sex.
If your daughter is not a teen yet, start the sex talk by teaching the different body parts. Discus private parts and where babies come from. The earlier you start the easer it is to have the bigger sex conversations as she becomes older.
When explaining about menstrual cycle and what to expect include sex information. Discus how her “parts” work, what they are designed to do, and how and why people have sex. This is a great opportunity to have the big sex talk, and find out what she already knows, and what she has already done.
The best way to start a conversation about sex with you teen girl is to ask some questions or make some observations in a non-accusatory or non-aggressive way. Here are some examples:
When watching TV or a movie as a sex scene comes on, like kissing ask what she thinks about it? Has she kissed any one yet? Who would she like to kiss? Why would she like to kiss them? Does she know what happens after people kiss? This can open the sex conversation, or just help you have small conversations that give the information you want them to know or leads up to the big sex conversation.
When a commercial for contraceptives or safe sex products like condoms is on ask if she knows why people use them. What purpose do they have? Is it important to use them? This will give you the chance to discus consequences of sex such as pregnancy and STD’s. You may even find out she is using them. You can also fix some myths like using a candy bar wrapper is just as good as using a condom to prevent pregnancy and STD’s or that oral sex is not real sex, or that you can not get pregnant your first time. Awareness commercials for Aids are also a good way to start the conversation. Ask if she knows how people get aids.
There are some great talk shows like Dr. Phil and Montel Williams that cover sex topics. Watch them with your teen. Use whatever information or open questions on the show to start the sex conversation with her. Some times the show will do all the hard work for you. You may need to watch more then one show with different sex topics but it all helps. Find out what your daughter thinks about the show and the information given. Talk about what happened to the people on the show or other people you know.
When talking with her about her day or her friends ask if any of her friends are dating. Who she likes and if she has a boyfriend. This is a good way to find out if she likes boys yet, if any of them like her and how she feels about it. This is a good way to steer the conversation to find out if her friends are having sex, or what her friends have told her about sex. Very good way to find out any misinformation she has about sex and for you to clear it up.
There are some great story books out there that you can read as a story to your pre-teen or read with your teen that open the conversation about sex. It lets you be comfortable talking about it and hearing about it from your little girl. It opens the door way for the hard topics and questions; like how do you have sex, why do people have sex, does sex feel good, are you having sex (question for your teen), and what the consequences of sex are.
All these tips can be used to open the conversation. Make sure you have books or some thing to help you answer any questions or explain things. Have honest truthful answers and explanations ready. Give her real explanations about the why and how’s of sex. She cannot make good informed decisions if she does not have the right information. Sex is a good thing at the right time and place.
What we need to make sure our teen daughters understand is that teen boys and even grown men want to have sex with them. Yes even when a teen girl is only 13 guys are trying to get into their pants; they don’t just want to be fiends. For the most part teen boys and men will tell her what ever she wants to hear to try and have sex with her. Others may go a more direct rout, using drugs and alcohol to get rid of her inhibitions, and make it easer for them to convince her to have sex. Others will use alcohol, and drugs to cause her to be unable to fight them off as they rape her. If you are passed out it is kind of hard to say “NO”. Others will just rape, with or with out the use of drugs and alcohol. Our daughters need to know this, not some sanitized version of life. They must understand that this can happen to them, it does not just happen to other people.
We also need to build our teen girls self-esteem so they don’t need to turn to teen boys and men to feel better about them selves. Girls with low self-esteem often turn to sex to become popular and mistake the attention they are getting for love or as giving them value. Others with low self-esteem will let people treat them badly, even selling them to others for sex because they don’t think they are worth more or deserve better. We as parents need to do what we can to stop this from happening. We must let them know they are valued and loved by us, just the way they are.
As parents we need to have the sex talk with our children, both boys and girls as early as possible. This way they will hopefully have a good idea of what sex is, what is ok and not ok, and the consequences like pregnancy, Aids and other STD’s. We cannot stop our teens from wanting sex, or even having sex. All we can do is try to make sure they make the best possible informed decisions. So how do we start the conversation?
There are a lot of ideas of how to start the sex conversation with your teen. Here are some different tips on talking to your teen girl about sex:
Let her know that you are there for her, and will be glad to answer any questions she has and then wait for her to come to you. This lets her pick the topic and the time. Only problem is most teen girls are not going to turn to their parents for answers about sex.
If your daughter is not a teen yet, start the sex talk by teaching the different body parts. Discus private parts and where babies come from. The earlier you start the easer it is to have the bigger sex conversations as she becomes older.
When explaining about menstrual cycle and what to expect include sex information. Discus how her “parts” work, what they are designed to do, and how and why people have sex. This is a great opportunity to have the big sex talk, and find out what she already knows, and what she has already done.
The best way to start a conversation about sex with you teen girl is to ask some questions or make some observations in a non-accusatory or non-aggressive way. Here are some examples:
When watching TV or a movie as a sex scene comes on, like kissing ask what she thinks about it? Has she kissed any one yet? Who would she like to kiss? Why would she like to kiss them? Does she know what happens after people kiss? This can open the sex conversation, or just help you have small conversations that give the information you want them to know or leads up to the big sex conversation.
When a commercial for contraceptives or safe sex products like condoms is on ask if she knows why people use them. What purpose do they have? Is it important to use them? This will give you the chance to discus consequences of sex such as pregnancy and STD’s. You may even find out she is using them. You can also fix some myths like using a candy bar wrapper is just as good as using a condom to prevent pregnancy and STD’s or that oral sex is not real sex, or that you can not get pregnant your first time. Awareness commercials for Aids are also a good way to start the conversation. Ask if she knows how people get aids.
There are some great talk shows like Dr. Phil and Montel Williams that cover sex topics. Watch them with your teen. Use whatever information or open questions on the show to start the sex conversation with her. Some times the show will do all the hard work for you. You may need to watch more then one show with different sex topics but it all helps. Find out what your daughter thinks about the show and the information given. Talk about what happened to the people on the show or other people you know.
When talking with her about her day or her friends ask if any of her friends are dating. Who she likes and if she has a boyfriend. This is a good way to find out if she likes boys yet, if any of them like her and how she feels about it. This is a good way to steer the conversation to find out if her friends are having sex, or what her friends have told her about sex. Very good way to find out any misinformation she has about sex and for you to clear it up.
There are some great story books out there that you can read as a story to your pre-teen or read with your teen that open the conversation about sex. It lets you be comfortable talking about it and hearing about it from your little girl. It opens the door way for the hard topics and questions; like how do you have sex, why do people have sex, does sex feel good, are you having sex (question for your teen), and what the consequences of sex are.
All these tips can be used to open the conversation. Make sure you have books or some thing to help you answer any questions or explain things. Have honest truthful answers and explanations ready. Give her real explanations about the why and how’s of sex. She cannot make good informed decisions if she does not have the right information. Sex is a good thing at the right time and place.
What we need to make sure our teen daughters understand is that teen boys and even grown men want to have sex with them. Yes even when a teen girl is only 13 guys are trying to get into their pants; they don’t just want to be fiends. For the most part teen boys and men will tell her what ever she wants to hear to try and have sex with her. Others may go a more direct rout, using drugs and alcohol to get rid of her inhibitions, and make it easer for them to convince her to have sex. Others will use alcohol, and drugs to cause her to be unable to fight them off as they rape her. If you are passed out it is kind of hard to say “NO”. Others will just rape, with or with out the use of drugs and alcohol. Our daughters need to know this, not some sanitized version of life. They must understand that this can happen to them, it does not just happen to other people.
We also need to build our teen girls self-esteem so they don’t need to turn to teen boys and men to feel better about them selves. Girls with low self-esteem often turn to sex to become popular and mistake the attention they are getting for love or as giving them value. Others with low self-esteem will let people treat them badly, even selling them to others for sex because they don’t think they are worth more or deserve better. We as parents need to do what we can to stop this from happening. We must let them know they are valued and loved by us, just the way they are.
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