Single parent and dating

How do single parents deal with dating and the potential heart break for their children? How hard is it to let someone into your life, and your children’s lives knowing that there is no guaranty they will be there in a year or even next week. I am seeing my friends having to make the decision to date or not. When children involved there is more risk of failed relationships and heartache all around. You also have to think about whom you are letting into your home and life.

When do you bring the person you are dating into your children’s lives? Is it better to develop a relationship with out involving your children or develop one with your children? There are pros and cons for both of these. If you develop a relationship with out involving your kids suddenly you are involved with someone your kids don’t know. What if the person you are involved with does not like your kids. You are in love but they don’t want your kids or your kids hate them. Or on the other hand you develop a relationship involving your kids, your kids form attachments and suddenly things are not going so will in the relationship. How does that affect your kids? Is it worth the risk of hurting your children?

One friend has decided that she cannot take the chance of her children developing a relationship with a father figure only to loose him like they did their father. She would like to date but knows that with three boys, one about to be a teenager, the chance of being able to form a lasting relationship is slim right now. The boys are going to either resent any male she brings into the relationship or try to bond with him to fill the void their Father has left. The potential conflict and pain is just not worth it right now.

Another is currently dealing with the break up of her year and a half relationship, watching her children go through the same pain they did when her and their dad went there separate ways. At lest with their Dad there is the chance of seeing him as he does have visitations if he wants. The problem is that they have seen more of the boyfriend then the Dad in the last two years and have bonded with him. They are having to go through all that pain and feeling of rejection again. And the boyfriend is not going to be coming over for visitations. They keep asking about him, “When is he coming back?” “Why does he not love them anymore?”

One friend gets his son on weekends, and he is stuck between his girlfriend and his son. The girlfriend is somewhat resentful that weekends always involve a third party, that all their plans revolve around the demands of his son’s mother. When they have to pick him up, drop him off. Suddenly they have to take him, or they don’t get him and their plans change. It is a big stressor on the relationship dealing with the disruptions and not being able to be spontaneous. The father is worried about what would happen if they have children. How will that impact his son, and how will his girlfriend treat his son once she has her own kids. It is a huge balancing act.

Then there is the question of whom are you actually letting into your home and giving access to your children. You take a chance every time you involve someone new into your child or children’s lives. Are they really going to have your child’s best interest at hart? There are people who prey on children, are you and your child a target? When you are a parent you have to protect your children, who else will? It can be incredibly difficult when you have children and want to date. You cannot always go off and do what you want or be with whom you want. A person is not just dating you, but your whole family package.

Does this mean that there is no hope, just find a cave and crawl into it until your kids are old enough to live on there own? No. It just means that when you have kids it changes dating and relationships. It changes how you go about developing a relationship and how you deal with break ups. It is not all about you and your feelings anymore; you have to think about your children as well. I don’t know how people do it. I think I would be one to stop dating until my kids moved out. It is hard enough to raise kids or develop a lasting relationship let alone trying to do both at the same time.

Somewhere along the way I lost my name!

I know I had one. I remember as a child hearing it being called over and over again by frustrated adults. I remember having to respond to it in school and later it was found on things like report cards, drivers license and paychecks. I knew who I was. My name was my identity. What I did in life, what my role in life changed but my name was always with me.

Then one day I stopped being me. I became Mom, Mother, Mommy, Momma, and so and so’s Mom. Even my husband calls me Mom in front of the kids, the same as I refer to him as Dad, to avoid confusing our children. Other parents don’t know my name, nor I theirs. But as we pass each other from dropping our kids off to school or preschool our children identify us as “that is ______ Mom.” I find myself responding to children as they say, “ Hi *****”s Mom.” When I call the preschool or school I use my name but still have to identify myself as, “I am ****’s Mom”, before they know me.

My identity lost is lost not in a role, not a job or title but a state of being. I don’t always enjoy being a mother but I would not change it for anything. I used to say that what I did, what job I had did not define me, that it was just what I did. Being a parent is part of me, not something I do but an actual change of who I am. Did I think becoming a parent would change me, no, but it did. I identify myself as being a Mom. I am still a business owner, accountant, wife and a strong individual but somehow those are just part of who I am overshadowed by my role of Mom. I don’t think that is going to change. Hopefully I will always be Mom, because as long as my children are alive I will be Mom. One day if I am lucky I will become Grandmother and even Great Grandmother.

Not a deadbeat Dad but a sometimes Dad

We all hear about the deadbeat Dad’s but what about the ones that are not. The ones who miss their kids and want to be full time everyday Dad’s who only get to be sometime Dad’s. The ones who have to watch as their kids call someone else Daddy, someone they spend everyday with and he only gets the odd weekend and phone calls. Men who struggle with the lost of time with their children. Time they can never make up on a weekend or over the phone. Someone else is giving them bath time, reading stories at night, doing monster hunts, fixing boo boo’s and holding their hand as they walk to school.

One day “Bob” came home to his common-law wife only to be told that she was not happy anymore, did not love him anymore and that she had packed his bag and he was to leave. Their son was being babysat because she did not what him to see the fight and Bob leave. So Bob went from being a Daily Dad to a sometimes Dad in a blink of an eye. Now he was homeless, without his family and at a complete loss. He moved in with friends for a few days as he tried to work things out with his wife. They all thought it would only be for a few days, but no.

Eventually he found a place to live and a job. He agreed to help out his sister, a single mom, who needed someone to watch her children when she went to school. He needed a place to live and she could supply that. It was with the understanding that this was only until he could work things out with his wife. Unfortunately it was not in the same town as his ex and son, but as he said “It is not like I am getting to spend any time with my son as it is, she will not let me see him.”

It has been a few months now and his wife just told him that she is already moving on with her life and so should he. The guy that was just a friend turns out to have been more then just a friend. He is devastated. He misses spending time with his son. He never gets to see him because he lives in another town and has no car. On top of that she is not being that co-operative. She cut Bob out of her life and does not understand what the problem is, so what if that means he does not get to see his son anymore.

It is eating this man up from the inside out. It is killing him. He is missing being able to read stories at bedtime and just playing with his son. He is going to miss out on being his son’s hero, to teach him to ride a bike, tie his shoes, and everything else that is part of being a father. Halloween is coming up and he will not be there to help his son find the right costume, or go trick or treating. Then Christmas. He does not even know what he son would like, and has no way of talking to him to find out. He does not know if his son will even know the gift was from him or will she just say it is from Santa. He is quickly becoming a stranger to his own son, a little boy he loves with all his hart.

How do you go from holding your son’s hand as he goes to sleep to not seeing him at all? How will his son know him, and know that he loves him if he is not part of his life?

Until I met this man and have seen what this has been doing to him over the last few months I never thought about what it was like for the father when families go wrong. I always saw single Mom’s talking about deadbeat Dad’s. Who sees the other side of the fence, the fathers struggling with being separated from their children? It is easy to see the single Mom and identify with her, but it is harder to see and identify the man who is torn up inside because it has been a week since he last saw his kids and he will not get to see them for another week, or the men who don’t get to see their kids at all.

I am not saying that there are not deadbeat Dad’s. My own father was one. I am just saying that it is a horrible thing to be separated from your children whether you are a man or a woman. Dad’s can and do feel anguish and sorrow over the loss of their time with their children. The moments and memories they are not going to have and struggle with being a sometimes Dad, trying to make the most out of what little time they have. How can you develop a relationship with your children if you don’t get to be a part of their lives?

*Bob is not his real name, I used that to protect his privacy.

What online games are safe to let our kids play?

I was reading a blog “Am I a bad dad for letting my kid use the headset in Xbox Live?” about a dad talking about the things being said to an 11 year old on Xbox. I thought it brought up a good point, what are adults and teenagers saying to our kids and each other. The name calling alone was enough to say I cannot let my children, who are much younger then 11, play Xbox Live, even with the speaker on let alone with the headset on. As he pointed out his son has told him about the names, but what has he not told him about.

I have seen some adults “play” and they can get quite verbally abusive. Everything from name calling to death threats can be heard when adult’s play, and that is with out the anonymity of being online. I don’t know what people are willing to say when no one can identify them, where there is little or no risk for being aggressive and no reason to be “nice”. At what point does the environment become so negative or toxic that our children should not be exposed? I know that when I play poker some of the people online are quit offensive, but I have the option to block their chat or report them. If they are breaking the rules, i.e. using abusive language they can be kicked off the system or their chat rights removed depending on how bad they were. I don’t think this option is available on Xbox Live, all you can do is limit chat to who is on your friends list and I think that takes away from the game if you are trying to be part of a team but cannot talk to them.

I know that there are quite a few sites now for kids to chat and play games. Who are the other people on the other computers? What are they willing to say to kids? I can only control what my kids say and do, not what they hear and read. This is why I don’t think online live games are going to be a part of my kids lives for sometime, or mine unless I have some control over what I hear and read. My kids and I don’t need to be abused to have fun, thank you. I want to be able to cut someone off if they are being abusive, I don’t need to hear it, nor do my kids.

I think the real problem is that there is not a moderator on Xbox Live, nor is there any way to have a moderator unless they start using verbal recognition programs and tap into every single game. The only way to control what is being said is for the people to control themselves, and that is not going to happen. Options, stop playing the game when a person becomes abusive, play through it, or don’t play at all. So you may want to think twice about what you are getting your kids this Christmas. What doorways are these online games going to open and what control do you have over them?

Fathers Day Gifts for the BBQ king

A brand new top of the line BBQ with all the bells and whistles would be the best gift for the king of BBQ. There are lots of new BBQ’s out this year so it should be easy to find one that fits your budget, and his back yard.

A portable BBQ is also a great gift, this way he can be the BBQ king whereever he goes. There are some outstanding new portable BBQ’s out this year, both in the propane or charcoal styles. It is just a matter of shopping around and finding the right one for your father.

Propane and BBQ accessories such as a rotisserie add on for his current BBQ can also be good gifts. I did find some interesting accessories on line. I found two different companies that make personalized branding irons for the BBQ. This way he can put his mark on anything he BBQ’S. I thought that it would make an unusual gift, but a fun one. I also found a wireless talking BBQ and oven thermometer. This is a useful and cool gift for the dad who likes having the newest techno gadget out and loves to BBQ.

I am sure the branding iron and thermometer can be found at lots of places here are the links for where I found them. I think it may be someone’s affiliate link to the different sites because they were on a page of ads. It still gets you to site though so you can see what I am talking about.

Barbecue Branding Iron
Personalized Branding Iron for the Grillmaster
wireless talking bbq + oven thermometer

A BBQ or grilling tool set also makes a nice gift. There is lots of grilling tool sets available at almost any store so it should be easy to find one for any budget. There are some quite elaborate sets to simple basic ones. I found all kinds of sets online, some with things I had no idea what they were used for, but my husband thought they were grate and wanted them all.

The BBQ gift basket is always winner. I have to admit that this is what I would give my Grandfather every year. I had a lot of fun with it. We have some local specialty shops that carry every type of sauce and spice you can think of from hot and spicy to sweet and sticky and every combination known to man. I would go grab a couple of different bottles of BBQ sauce and marinades for him to try out. I always put in new BBQ mitts as he always in need of those. If a funky new BBQ lighter out I would put it in. One year I did not use a basket but got him this great carrying/serving tray and put it all on that. It was big and he used it all the time after that. I would also look for fun theme plates, cups or BBQ accessories to add in. He ended up with some of the strangest things, but he liked it and I had fun getting it all. Every year was different, and what he got depended on my budget but it was always fun.

10 Fathers Day gifts for the Dad who is positively medieval

This is for those guys who love castles, knights, siege weapons and anything else medieval. This is what my husband loves, so of course I have been shopping around. I have created a list of things I found for others who are also looking for medieval gift ideas for Fathers Day. It is nice to find unusual gifts and I like shopping, and I don’t mind sharing what I find.

Please note that this is just a list of with the sites and prices I found. I am sure that these or similar items can be found on other website.

Working Wood Siege Tower. This is a little siege tower is a1/18th scale replica of a 13th century war engine. It actually shoots a clay ball over 10 feet. It is a kit so it has to be made, but that is half the fun. The kit comes with rolling wheels; lowering drawbridge and firing catapult and includes some modeling clay for projectiles. Requires scissors and white glue. I found this at x-tremegeek for $39.95.
R/C Jousting Knights. This one just made me laugh. Each set comes with two horses, nights and lances. I can see my husband and son having mini jousting tournaments. Each one trying to knock off the others knight from the remote controlled horse. This just looks like to much fun. I found this at Think Geek for $24.99.

Monty Python Mini Bobble Heads. This will work for anyone who is a Monty Python fan. There is the Black Knight or a Knight of NI to pick from. They are definitely different but fun. I found them at Think Geek for $6.99 each.
Wooden War Engine Kits. I found two kits here, one for a catapult and one for a trebuchet. You have to put them together and will need a cutting tool and glue. The catapult is perfect for chucking balls of paper and other small objects over cubicle walls. The trebuchet is better for long-range targets. I can just see getting this and the working wood siege tower and end up having a mini war on my hands. I think it would be a lot of fun for everyone. I just don’t think it would just be paper balls being used. Get some of the guys together and I don’t want to think what they will send flying into the air. These I found at Think Geek for $19.99 up to $34.99.

Lifesize Office Warrior Weapons. This set has useable (people sized) sword, axe, and shield made of expertly painted foam latex. So they look cool on a wall and you can have fun with them well. Though I think it would be a good idea to get two sets. This does give new meaning to dealing with a conflict at the office though. I know that if I got these they would never make it to a wall. I would actually have to get 4 sets, one for each of us. I already learned that when I got the foam swards from the dollar store. These would get used in my home. I could get some great pictures of my husband having to defend himself from the kids. I found these at Think Geek for $49.99 and $59.99.

Hand Crafted Leather Shield. This is an actual hand made one-of-a-kind leather and wax shield with a Celtic cross design burned into it. This is great for on the wall or just to show off. Definitely for the guy who is into shields and armour. This is at Medieval Magic for $250.00

Handcrafted Leather bracers. These are very unusual handmade leather bracers with Celtic horse design burned into them. These are art. They would look great displayed, but can actually be put on as part of a costume. Though they can be used for SCA combat. This is at Medieval Magic for $100.00.

Celtic War Sword. This is a simple sword that is made of stainless steel and has a leather scabbard. It looks nice, easy to wall mount or have as a costume. This one was nice to look at. However I have to admit that with any sword I would not actually buy one for my husband, as he is very picky about them. He loves to collect them, but he has to pick them. I found this one at Brothers Smith-Sword for $27.95.


Functional Great Claymore Sword. Now this is a sword that stands out. It is huge. It would look great on a wall, however the site indicates that it is a functional sword. I think that means that it will take an edge were the Celtic war sword would probably not. This is for the sword connoisseur. I found it at Brothers Smith-Sword for $249.95. I know that if my husband were to pick he would get this one over the smaller Celtic war sword.





Spangenheim Helmet. Who does not want a suit of armour? Well that can be very expensive and take up a lot of room. However a knight’s helmet I can fit into my home, and display it. I found some interesting helmets that can be used as a display, or costume, at Brothers Smith-Sword . This one was $79.95. However I found some amazing handcrafted custom helmets at Golden Boar Armoury like this Phygian Style Shovel Face Helm. I could not find out a price because each piece is custom made, so prices will depend on a lot of things.