How do single parents deal with dating and the potential heart break for their children? How hard is it to let someone into your life, and your children’s lives knowing that there is no guaranty they will be there in a year or even next week. I am seeing my friends having to make the decision to date or not. When children involved there is more risk of failed relationships and heartache all around. You also have to think about whom you are letting into your home and life.
When do you bring the person you are dating into your children’s lives? Is it better to develop a relationship with out involving your children or develop one with your children? There are pros and cons for both of these. If you develop a relationship with out involving your kids suddenly you are involved with someone your kids don’t know. What if the person you are involved with does not like your kids. You are in love but they don’t want your kids or your kids hate them. Or on the other hand you develop a relationship involving your kids, your kids form attachments and suddenly things are not going so will in the relationship. How does that affect your kids? Is it worth the risk of hurting your children?
One friend has decided that she cannot take the chance of her children developing a relationship with a father figure only to loose him like they did their father. She would like to date but knows that with three boys, one about to be a teenager, the chance of being able to form a lasting relationship is slim right now. The boys are going to either resent any male she brings into the relationship or try to bond with him to fill the void their Father has left. The potential conflict and pain is just not worth it right now.
Another is currently dealing with the break up of her year and a half relationship, watching her children go through the same pain they did when her and their dad went there separate ways. At lest with their Dad there is the chance of seeing him as he does have visitations if he wants. The problem is that they have seen more of the boyfriend then the Dad in the last two years and have bonded with him. They are having to go through all that pain and feeling of rejection again. And the boyfriend is not going to be coming over for visitations. They keep asking about him, “When is he coming back?” “Why does he not love them anymore?”
One friend gets his son on weekends, and he is stuck between his girlfriend and his son. The girlfriend is somewhat resentful that weekends always involve a third party, that all their plans revolve around the demands of his son’s mother. When they have to pick him up, drop him off. Suddenly they have to take him, or they don’t get him and their plans change. It is a big stressor on the relationship dealing with the disruptions and not being able to be spontaneous. The father is worried about what would happen if they have children. How will that impact his son, and how will his girlfriend treat his son once she has her own kids. It is a huge balancing act.
Then there is the question of whom are you actually letting into your home and giving access to your children. You take a chance every time you involve someone new into your child or children’s lives. Are they really going to have your child’s best interest at hart? There are people who prey on children, are you and your child a target? When you are a parent you have to protect your children, who else will? It can be incredibly difficult when you have children and want to date. You cannot always go off and do what you want or be with whom you want. A person is not just dating you, but your whole family package.
Does this mean that there is no hope, just find a cave and crawl into it until your kids are old enough to live on there own? No. It just means that when you have kids it changes dating and relationships. It changes how you go about developing a relationship and how you deal with break ups. It is not all about you and your feelings anymore; you have to think about your children as well. I don’t know how people do it. I think I would be one to stop dating until my kids moved out. It is hard enough to raise kids or develop a lasting relationship let alone trying to do both at the same time.
Showing posts with label date. Show all posts
Showing posts with label date. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
How to gracefully end a bad blind date
There is nothing more fun or fearful then jumping into a blind date hoping to find Mr. or Mrs. right. You get to meet someone new and hopefully have a fun night out. At best you find that you like the person, and have an enjoyable time. If you are not a good fit then at least you get out of the house for a while, maybe you will end up with a new friend and have a nice time anyway. At worst you end up with a reject from "Who wants to marry a millionaire", or an escapee from the local psychiatric hospital and spend all your time trying to gracefully get away.
You want to gracefully end a bad blind date because chances are that they are a friend of a friend and as much as you don’t like them you are probably going to run into them again. You don’t want to be rude to your friend’s friend as it makes you look bad. If the person is a nut job you don’t want to give them a reason to be angry with you, or want revenge for some slight. Also it is always better to use common courtesy with every one you deal with, even if they made your evening Hell. Why because you never know when they are going to show up in your life again. You meet someone you really like, and then one of their friends or co-worker tells them about the date they had with you. Or they end up being a co-worker, or your boss.
First: When you set up the blind date, don’t try and go for the full date, dinner, movies or a show and clubbing. Instead make a mini date, with a preset time limit that is acceptable to both of you. You can try a lunch date, or just meet for drinks, be it coffee or something else, or even a dinner only date. It is much easer to change your plans and extend the date or make a second date if you like each other then it is to spend the evening with someone you would like to shot put into the next time zone.
Second: Make sure you meet at the place you are having the date so that you are not giving or getting a ride from your blind date. You don’t want to have to spend that extra time driving home with some one you don’t like; it was bad enough being on a date with them in public. Who wants to be stuck in a car for who knows how long with someone you just want to run away from. It is much easer to make a graceful getaway to leave for your car at a restaurant or coffee shop then it is at your front door. People tend to have expectations of a kiss or more at the front door, avoid being in that situation with someone you think is about as much fun as eating sand.
Third: When the date is over then you say, “It was nice to meet you, good by.” If they don’t take the hint and what to keep talking or what ever you tell them that because the date was just for lunch, coffee, or dinner that you made plans with your family that you just cannot change. This is a very good way to leave gracefully and not hurt any ones feelings. Just do not tell them you will call them or would like to spend time with them. If they do try to arrange for another date, or keep pushing for a phone call then tell them that you are just not interested in another date as you are not interested in the same things as they are, but would be happy to hang out with them with your mutual friends. Give them the idea that friendship would work, just not dating. This way if you are stuck in a social situation with them in the future it is easer to be polite with each other.
Fourth: Make sure that you have a friend or friends at the place of the date and if things get real bad you have a set signal that brings them over to join you. This is a good way to end the date. Suddenly you are not on a date anymore but a group of people hanging out. At some point you can tell them it was nice meeting them and that you hope they have a good night but that you have to go. This works great when you have a set time for the date because your other plans showed up. If your date wants to join you at least your friends can act as a buffer. If every one is lucky your date and one of your friends will hit it off. They end up happy; you get to be the one that got away.
Fifth: What ever you do, do not have sex with them just because the opportunity was there, you are lonely or you felt sorry for them. It is not worth it. That never ends well. Suddenly you are in a relationship, or have a very pissed off person gunning for you, or a stalker who thinks you are in love because you had sex with them.
Rule of thumb is to always treat people with common courtesy, and respect even when spending time with them feels like an eternity of listening to nails on a chalkboard. Make sure you don’t place yourself into a situation that is hard to get out of, be it a physical location, or an emotional one. If the date is not working, end it as fast as possible, but be polite about it.
You want to gracefully end a bad blind date because chances are that they are a friend of a friend and as much as you don’t like them you are probably going to run into them again. You don’t want to be rude to your friend’s friend as it makes you look bad. If the person is a nut job you don’t want to give them a reason to be angry with you, or want revenge for some slight. Also it is always better to use common courtesy with every one you deal with, even if they made your evening Hell. Why because you never know when they are going to show up in your life again. You meet someone you really like, and then one of their friends or co-worker tells them about the date they had with you. Or they end up being a co-worker, or your boss.
First: When you set up the blind date, don’t try and go for the full date, dinner, movies or a show and clubbing. Instead make a mini date, with a preset time limit that is acceptable to both of you. You can try a lunch date, or just meet for drinks, be it coffee or something else, or even a dinner only date. It is much easer to change your plans and extend the date or make a second date if you like each other then it is to spend the evening with someone you would like to shot put into the next time zone.
Second: Make sure you meet at the place you are having the date so that you are not giving or getting a ride from your blind date. You don’t want to have to spend that extra time driving home with some one you don’t like; it was bad enough being on a date with them in public. Who wants to be stuck in a car for who knows how long with someone you just want to run away from. It is much easer to make a graceful getaway to leave for your car at a restaurant or coffee shop then it is at your front door. People tend to have expectations of a kiss or more at the front door, avoid being in that situation with someone you think is about as much fun as eating sand.
Third: When the date is over then you say, “It was nice to meet you, good by.” If they don’t take the hint and what to keep talking or what ever you tell them that because the date was just for lunch, coffee, or dinner that you made plans with your family that you just cannot change. This is a very good way to leave gracefully and not hurt any ones feelings. Just do not tell them you will call them or would like to spend time with them. If they do try to arrange for another date, or keep pushing for a phone call then tell them that you are just not interested in another date as you are not interested in the same things as they are, but would be happy to hang out with them with your mutual friends. Give them the idea that friendship would work, just not dating. This way if you are stuck in a social situation with them in the future it is easer to be polite with each other.
Fourth: Make sure that you have a friend or friends at the place of the date and if things get real bad you have a set signal that brings them over to join you. This is a good way to end the date. Suddenly you are not on a date anymore but a group of people hanging out. At some point you can tell them it was nice meeting them and that you hope they have a good night but that you have to go. This works great when you have a set time for the date because your other plans showed up. If your date wants to join you at least your friends can act as a buffer. If every one is lucky your date and one of your friends will hit it off. They end up happy; you get to be the one that got away.
Fifth: What ever you do, do not have sex with them just because the opportunity was there, you are lonely or you felt sorry for them. It is not worth it. That never ends well. Suddenly you are in a relationship, or have a very pissed off person gunning for you, or a stalker who thinks you are in love because you had sex with them.
Rule of thumb is to always treat people with common courtesy, and respect even when spending time with them feels like an eternity of listening to nails on a chalkboard. Make sure you don’t place yourself into a situation that is hard to get out of, be it a physical location, or an emotional one. If the date is not working, end it as fast as possible, but be polite about it.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Questions to ask on a first date
Neutral open-ended questions are the key. Never ask: “what do you do for a living, how much money do you make, religion or politics views, for or against having kids?” There are ways to find out if you are compatible enough for a second date. If you are then you have the time on later dates to find out if there are any deal breakers. The first date is not the place to do that. The idea is to find out if you like each other enough to want to get to know each other more, not find out every thing there is to know about each other. Here are some things to ask:
What would you do if you won the lottery? This can open up a conversation. How they answer the question can tell you a lot about a person, their values, their personality and what some of their likes and dislikes are. It can help show you how compatible you are in some areas.
What is your favourite entertainment? Not what TV shows they like or the best movie they have seen. That is too limited of a question. By asking what favourite entertainment you may find out if they like to go out or stay home. Are they a doer or a watcher? Do they go to concerts, plays, a jazz bar, play poker, race cars, do paint ball, stay home and watch CSI, or any number of things.
What was your favourite cartoon as a kid? This gives you a common neutral ground to start a conversation. It can also lead naturally to other things you both may like and dislike.
How are you enjoying the meal, cup of coffee? It can be what ever you are doing together. Then ask if they like any other restaurants, or coffee shops. This helps you find out what they like and can lead to an opportunity for a second date. I.E. “Well maybe we can go there the next time” or “Lets try that place next.” It is an easy way to get an idea if they are interested in seeing you again and lets them know you are. No second-guessing about how the date is going.
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