Risks when labeling children, do they become the label or do we treat them as such?

There are several risks when you label children. One is that they identify themselves with the label and then feel that they have no options but to be that label. That is how everyone sees them or that is the behavior expect of them so that must be who they are.

We all label our kids without thinking about it and may be trapping them in a mode of behavior without realizing it. This is so and so, she is really cute or smart, this is so and so he is a great dancer, this is so and so and he is the difficult one, the one with problems, anti social, etc.

The other problem is that people start treating the children based on their label. The cute one gets away with things, the bad one get in trouble all the time because everyone knows he is the bad apple. Or have higher expectations for the smart one, put more demands on that child then others. Or shy one is seen as being anti social, not shy and never gets past it and becomes anti social as a result. Once a child has been labeled it is almost impossible to remove the label. Once a child has been labeled difficult or slow or a problem that is how people see them even when it is not the case.
My 5 year old has been labeled as being difficult, a problem at school and has been removed from the school around 8 times and suspended 6 times. The problem I am having is that he has finally been identified as special needs and we are waiting for him to be tested to identify his needs, but the school has already put the labels difficult and bad on him and treat him as such, not as a child with special needs. We know that they are not working with him, when he gets upset they just remove him from the room and have us pick him up, often making the problem worse.
He is usually trying to tell people something and gets upset because people are not paying attention or listening to him. Removing him from the situation does not teach him how to act in that situation so he ends up repeating the same “errors”, nor does it give him a different set of behaviors that is seen as acceptable. How do they expect him to learn how to behave when all they do is yank him out and remove him? What lesson is learned? That when I scream and kick out I get to go home and don’t have to go to school the next day ether.

He keeps missing out on school activities and he is not learning the academics he needs to be in grade 1. He is losing out because it is easier for the school to remove him then it is to work with him. There is a 6 month or longer wait on the testing that will identify what his special needs are, so we know he is special needs but not exactly what the needs are so it is not on his school file. Once it has been identified and put on his file it is going to be at least 2 years before he will have an EA (an individual to help him though the school day) if he even gets one, and there is a 18 to 24 month wait on getting a speech therapist through the school system. This means that he will live with the label of being difficult until at least grade 3. That’s a long time, and I am sure he will have learned that is how they see him no matter what he does and will take on that label as his own by then.

I have seen this happen to other children, where they are labeled by one teacher and then treated by other teachers a certain way because what their file said about them. I know of one Mother who actually removed her son from school, sent him to his Grandmothers to go to school in her area. His file that said he was inattentive, lazy, below average with anger issues did not follow him. All the reports from the second school said he was above average, worked well with others and strived to learn and there never any mention of anger issues.

So the next year she brought him back, put him into the same school system he had been in before, and what did his old teacher do, made a point of letting the new teacher know what a problem he was. So again he was labeled as “bad” without doing a thing, and a year of positive feedback was disregarded on one teacher's say so. So even though the label was proven wrong it was how he was treated. So think before you label a child or believe a label someone has given a child. Just because someone says it is so does not make it so, that is just their opinion.

Child Abuse: When to become “Involved”

When do you report child abuse and to whom? It is not our job to determine if child abuse is taking place. It is our job to speak for the children who may not be able to speak for themselves or get anyone to hear them.

What about all the horror stories about families and lives being destroyed by false accusations? If you have concerns for a child’s safety or well being it is not a false accusation. Truth be known, more child abusers slip through the cracks then innocent people are found “harmful” to their children.

AS ADULTS WE NEED TO PROTECT KIDS NOT OTHER ADULTS.

If you think there is some type of abuse going on – proof or no proof – go with your gut on this one, call children’s aid and let them know how you feel and why. It is their job to determine if there is abuse or danger to the child. An abuser is going to hide what they are doing so you may only have hints and small incidences to go on. If something feels wrong it probably is.

If you see abuse – then you call the police and report it so there is a record of the abuse, time and date. The police will bring in Children’s Aid but you may want to call C.A. as well.

If a child is in severe danger – call the police. Bring attention to what is happening. Get as many people as possible to intervene for the safety of the child.

If you saw a baby or a child locked in a hot or freezing car you would do what you had to to rescue the child. Why should it be any different if someone is beating a child or abandoning their children for days on end, or “just” hurting them in ways that don’t leave marks?

We are the adults and it is time we placed innocent children before strangers, friends and even family.

There is nothing worse then looking into the eyes of a child you could have saved but did not. Unless it is knowing a child died because you did not want to get involved.

Are we teaching our children to be honest?

A five-year-old girl looked at a lady she had known for about a year and said, “You have a big bum”. The adult turned to her and said, “That is mean. You have a big head”. The child was not trying to hurt the ladies feelings; she was making an honest observation. She was confused by the reprimand and comment about her head.

To my shame I did not open my mouth to support the child. I was just shocked by the adult’s response, and was not sure how to deal with this when it was not my child. I know what I would have said if she had been talking to my daughter. “Your bum is big and so is mine, so what!” I figured the parent would deal with it, but I had forgotten that she is deaf and did not hear what was said. She was dealing with her son and was not in a position to lip read. I do feel guilty for not saying something to support the little girls honesty.

It did make me think about how honest children are. If you want a real honest answer ask a child’s opinion on something. They will tell you your breath stinks, that shirt does make you look fat and dinner is gross. Then we start to teach them to be polite, or lie to make people feel better. I don’t know about most people, but I know my butt is big and having someone tell me my butt does not look that big in those pants does not change the fact my butt is still big. If my breath is stinky I want to know so I can do something about it.

My husband would eat some dinner disaster of mine and I would be saying “this is bad” but he would keep on eating and saying it was fine because he did not want to hurt my feelings. Even after I would say, “It is so bad I did not want to eat it”, he would not admit it was horrible. For years he ate things way over spiced because he did not want to hurt my feelings. I would much rather had him tell me it was over spiced or not to his taste, that was why I was asking in the first place, to find out how he felt about the meal so I knew what he liked and did not like. He suffered for years because he did not want to be rude. I don’t even have to ask my kids, they tell me what they don’t like and why. Knowing makes it easer to have meals that actually get eaten, especially with kids who’s likes and dislikes seem to change with the direction of the wind.

In my home we are guilty of telling our children that we don’t want to hear about something anymore. Every time a toy commercial comes on all we hear is, “I want that”. It gets very frustrating after a few times of trying to explain that we don’t have the money so we end up saying, “I don’t want to hear that you want anything, don’t tell me you want it again”. Which is telling our kids not to admit they want things. We realized this and have changed it to, “put it on your Christmas list, maybe Santa will pick that one for you”. But we are still guilty of saying, “I don’t care anymore about who did what, just stop fighting” which is just a way of saying don’t tell me the truth, or the truth does not matter as long as the adults get the result they want.

I think that it is a fine line we walk when we are trying to teach our children not to be rude or demanding. They need to understand that it is ok to be honest about what you think, feel or want. We as the adults have to remember they are children learning about life. What does it say about our society when one of the things we teach is for them to not express themselves, make observations or state they like or dislike something? What are we putting more value on, honesty or dishonesty and emotional suppression to keep other people happy?

Mind you this is an observation from someone who does not have a filter on her mouth. I say what I think most of the time. If you ask for my opinion your going to get an honest opinion, so don’t ask me if you just want to make your ego feel better. I don’t go out of my way to be rude or insensitive, but I am honest and blunt about things. I respect that in others far more then the polite responses used to placate others. So of course I respect a child’s honesty. If I don’t like what kids have to say I don’t turn on the child and reprimand them or teach them to lie. If my butt is huge than I have to acknowledge and accept that it is and if I don’t like it do something about it. Not make people lie to me about it.

After effects, pedophile goes to jail now what

A few years ago a monster was reveled to be among people I knew and hung out with for years. Bruce was sexually molesting the children of those who knew and trusted him. This had been going on for years. Eventually one of the kids became old enough and strong enough to let people know what was going on. Then the true horror came out as family after family realized they had let this monster have access to their children. And the questions started, did he do anything to my child or children. Unfortunately the answer was yes. (Not my kids because we did not let them baby-sit or be alone with them)

So people did the right thing (or not) they let him live and put him in jail. That was not the end of it. There are countless children, some are teenagers now, dealing with what was done with them, who statistically will either become victims or abusers if they cannot get the help they need. The parents are still dealing with the guilt that they let this happen. The guilt destroyed relationships, families and marriages. The guilt and anger ate away at them.

A large group of people literally fell apart. Years of friendship and experiences all became tainted by one man. The local SCA group (the hobby group they all belonged to) became associated in the minds of many with this man and what he did to the children of his friends. People stopped being a part of the SCA because now the people in it and the events they went to reminded them of Bruce. Even people who did not have children molested by him pulled away. Everyone was thinking, how come I did not see this, what could I have done, how did I let those children down?

His family had to deal with the guilt and shame. Though his sister and her husband publicly supported him and still feel he should be let back into the SCA. Not going to happen, they know what he is now. However this has caused a lot of conflict and destroyed quite a few friendships. The fact that they are both still part of the SCA group is part of the reason why so many have left it.

Then there is Bruce’s wife. She said she knew nothing about this side of him and divorced him as soon possible. She feels guilt for not seeing through him, and the fact that he was using her to get to more kids. They were babysitting a lot. She lost a lot of friends even though people said they knew she had nothing to do with it. She was still his wife. People could not be around her and not think of him. She has tried to move on and is in a new relationship but is still being affected by what he did. It did not help that Bruce and his lawyer tried to say that she was supporting him to try and get a lighter sentence. People who heard the lawyer say it in court are having a hard time getting past that even though she said it was a lie. No mater what she does now she has been tainted by the brush of Bruce and even years later feels as if she has to defend herself, that she did not know what he was doing and did not support him.

People are still dealing with what Bruce did years later. He gets out of jail next year and I am sure people will still be dealing with the aftereffects for years to come. It says something when the aftereffects outlast his jail time. I don’t think he was sentenced for enough time. Though I am not sure if there is going to be enough time for the children and their families. The question now is; where is he going to get his next victim? Someone who did this for years is not someone who is going to change or stop. He is just going to find another source of children and the cycle starts again.

Would you have sex with someone for a million dollars?

The real question is would you have sex for money. The dollar amount is not what is important, that just determines your price. Before you get offended think about it, everyone has a price. If your child was sick, or dieing what wouldn’t you do to help them? If the only way to get the medication or pay the doctor bills was to sleep with someone would you do it? What if it was the only way you had to get food into your home, and into your kid’s belly? What if one night with someone would clear up your bills and debts and let you work on giving your children a better life? It all comes down to your circumstances.

What is worse letting your child go hungry or having sex with someone for money? There are people today who would have never ever thought about selling their bodies for sex who are in a situation where it an option or a solution. I find it hard to judge those people who trade sex for money instead of steeling or letting their kids go hungry or homeless. In some parts of the world, like the Untied States, it is a legal taxable job and in others it is an incredibly risky situating to be in. In Iraqi a 14 year old was killed for having sex for food. I have not been in that type of position but I have enough empathy to understand and feel for these people who are.

I started thinking about this last week when two older ladies propositioned my husband. It was implied to him that they would pay money to have sex with them. He told them he was married and walked away. He came home and told me about it and said he had been tempted for all of two seconds. When the ladies asked him two thoughts did go through his brain, one the ladies were good looking and two it would depend on how much money they offered him. He was surprised at himself for even thinking about it for a second.

He realized then how much our financial situation is putting a strain on him and us. So we started talking about what we would and would not do for money and what type of circumstances would change that. I have a real problem with the idea of me taking money for sex, or steeling, or killing someone for money. That is just not who I am. And yet I know that very good people have been put into situations where they do. Take a look at what happens in almost all war torn areas in the world. Today there are thousands of women in Iraq selling themselves for sex to survive. People do things they never would have thought about just to survive, and protect their families. The question then is not what would you do but what would you not do.

Think about where you draw the line now and what would make you change that. Most of us don’t know what we would do until we are in that situation.

No filter on mouth, asset or hindrance?

Over the years I have learned that I have no filter on my mouth. This means I say what I am thinking, good or bad. I don’t play politics, office or otherwise. I have found this to be harmful in work situations and people can find me difficult to be friends with. I don’t seem be able to identify boundaries and keep them. This is something I am working on as I see it as a hindrance. So imagine my surprise when I went for coffee with some ladies I met at a self-esteem group and they both said they envy me because I don’t have a filter on my mouth.

They both felt that they compromised all the time, and would say what ever would make someone else happy. This was a big problem for both of them. They could never be themselves and were both very unhappy with this. They wanted to be able to say what they were thinking. Too have the confidence to be themselves and not always be playing the politics game. It was a very different viewpoint from mine. I never thought that people would admire my bluntness and openness.

There really is no point to not be honest with yourself and others. If I am having a problems what is the point of hiding it if I am looking for help. If I cannot admit to the people I am turning to for help what the real issues are how can they help me? If some one asks me to help them then they expect real answers from me, not ones that will make them feel better or what they want to hear. People who turn to me for help know I am going to be brutally blunt and honest for good and bad. If you don’t want the truth don’t ask me. I am not afraid to talk about sex and sexuality and other sensitive topics such as parenting issues and anger and that intimidates and scares some people. But at the same time I do it in a non-judgemental way, so people feel comfortable to talk about anything with me. What I need to tone down is the over sharing of my personal life or feelings in a business situation. I may be having the conversation with the right person, but not the right environment. I need to learn how to fit in and not make others uncomfortable when I have to work with them. My solution is to be my own boss, and be myself. I am over opinionated, unashamed and blunt as a sledgehammer, but still caring and kind, just very honest with others and myself.

So what do you think would you rather be? Someone who blurts things out at inappropriate moments, blunt as all can be but is honest to themselves and others or to spend so much time trying to fit in and keep everyone happy that you loose yourself? I am so glad that they took the time to let me know how they feel because it let me see how blessed I am to not have a filter on my mouth, heart or soul.

What online games are safe to let our kids play?

I was reading a blog “Am I a bad dad for letting my kid use the headset in Xbox Live?” about a dad talking about the things being said to an 11 year old on Xbox. I thought it brought up a good point, what are adults and teenagers saying to our kids and each other. The name calling alone was enough to say I cannot let my children, who are much younger then 11, play Xbox Live, even with the speaker on let alone with the headset on. As he pointed out his son has told him about the names, but what has he not told him about.

I have seen some adults “play” and they can get quite verbally abusive. Everything from name calling to death threats can be heard when adult’s play, and that is with out the anonymity of being online. I don’t know what people are willing to say when no one can identify them, where there is little or no risk for being aggressive and no reason to be “nice”. At what point does the environment become so negative or toxic that our children should not be exposed? I know that when I play poker some of the people online are quit offensive, but I have the option to block their chat or report them. If they are breaking the rules, i.e. using abusive language they can be kicked off the system or their chat rights removed depending on how bad they were. I don’t think this option is available on Xbox Live, all you can do is limit chat to who is on your friends list and I think that takes away from the game if you are trying to be part of a team but cannot talk to them.

I know that there are quite a few sites now for kids to chat and play games. Who are the other people on the other computers? What are they willing to say to kids? I can only control what my kids say and do, not what they hear and read. This is why I don’t think online live games are going to be a part of my kids lives for sometime, or mine unless I have some control over what I hear and read. My kids and I don’t need to be abused to have fun, thank you. I want to be able to cut someone off if they are being abusive, I don’t need to hear it, nor do my kids.

I think the real problem is that there is not a moderator on Xbox Live, nor is there any way to have a moderator unless they start using verbal recognition programs and tap into every single game. The only way to control what is being said is for the people to control themselves, and that is not going to happen. Options, stop playing the game when a person becomes abusive, play through it, or don’t play at all. So you may want to think twice about what you are getting your kids this Christmas. What doorways are these online games going to open and what control do you have over them?

Why have the Sex talk with a five-year-old boy?

I have been getting some very strange questions from my 5 year old and I had to really think about my answers. I had to decide if I should just give some meaningless answer or actually give him some information, and if I gave him information how much. I also had to think about what other questions my answers would give him.

During bath time he asked:

What are balls?
What is inside balls?
Does Mommy have Balls? Why not?
Does Daddy have balls?
Where do babies come from?
What is sperm?
How do babies get inside Mommies?
What is sex?

It started out easy, “What are balls?” and then became progressively harder as my answers gave him questions I was not sure I was ready to give uncomplicated answers to. I gave honest answers trying to keep it as simple as possible until he reached a point where the answers became too complicated for him to understand. At that point I used redirect to get him back to his bath and gave myself some time to think before the next set of questions. I want to get the information across without having to get into details and that is not an easy thing to do.

So why give a five year old real answers? It is a lot easer to provide information now that will be stepping stones for him to learn about himself, his body and sex, as he gets older. If he is looking for information now, then now is when to give it. It makes it easer to have conversations latter on when he older and ready for more information. I have to start thinking about strategies now so I can be ready when he is. I cannot say that I would be the type to buy an adult magazine and use that to answer questions, but I can see me finding some medical books and using those when he is older. It is still the same information but presented in a different way. There is a fine line between providing answers and resources about sex and corrupting a minor.

How to keep your teen girl safe when she parties

How to best keep your teen girl safe when she parties, become the party home. Let your home become the one every one hangs out at. Sure you have a messy house and a large food bill but at least you know where your teen daughter is at and what she is doing. You can control what goes on in your home, make sure drugs and alcohol is not getting into the teens, and no place for them to have sex. The reality of this actually happening is slim to none as teenagers want to party at the place with the least supervision. So you have to deal with the reality that your teenager is going to party with her friends some where out of your control.

You need to teach your teen girl that she can party and have fun without drugs or alcohol, give her the real information about what drugs and alcohol do to a person. Control what you can and educate her on every thing else. We also must teach by example. What is the point of saying, “Do as I tell you not as I do”? It does no good to tell a teen girl not to do some thing she sees her parents and other role models doing.

Things parents need to think about to keep their teen girl safe when she parties. People need to understand that a party can be any activity outside your supervision. It can be at a school party, a birthday party, friends home, at underage dance clubs, or your teen girl can get fake ID and get into actual bars and clubs. There are too many things to worry about these days. If we let our teen girls party we need to make sure they understand what is ok, not ok and the consequences of her and others actions. What are we the parents most concerned with? Sex, Drugs and alcohol for the most part.

Let us deal with each of these: First Sex.

As parents we need to have the sex talk with our children, both boys and girls as early as possible. This way they will hopefully have a good idea of what sex is, what is ok and not ok, and the consequences like pregnancy, Aids and other STD’s. We cannot stop our teens from wanting sex, or even having sex. All we can do is try to make sure they make the best possible informed decisions.

We also need to build our teen girls self-esteem so they don’t need to turn to teen boys and men to feel better about them selves. Girls with low self-esteem often turn to sex to become popular and mistake the attention they are getting for love or as giving them value. Others with low self-esteem will let people treat them badly, even selling themselves to others for sex because they don’t think they are worth more or deserve better. We as parents need to do what we can to stop this from happening. We must let them know they are valued and loved by us, just the way they are. Not an easy thing to do.

What we need to make sure our teen daughters understand is that teen boys and even grown men want to have sex with them. Yes even when a teen girl is only 13 guys are trying to get into their pants; they don’t just want to be fiends. For the most part teen boys and men will tell her what ever she wants to hear to try and have sex with her. Others may go a more direct rout, using drugs and alcohol to get rid of her inhibitions, and make it easer for them to convince her to have sex. Others will use alcohol, and drugs to cause her to be unable to fight them off as they rape her. If you are passed out it is kind of hard to say “NO”. Others will just rape, with or with out the use of drugs and alcohol. Our daughters need to know this, not some sanitized version of life. They must understand that this can happen to them, it does not just happen to other people.

Second: Drugs

All children, and teens, must understand the difference between drugs and medicine. Medicine is some thing a Dr. prescribes to make a specific medical problem better. Drugs are sold or given by people who want them to get high, become addicted, and give them money to get more drugs. Sure the idea is that drugs make you feel better, have better sex, or just remove you from problems. The reality is that drugs make you stupid, addicted and change who you are.

So we make sure our kids and teens know not to do drugs. That it is not a cool or fun thing to do, even if other people around you are doing it. Doing random drug tests at home help them say NO. It makes it easer for them to give a reason for not doing the drugs, a way out from peer pressure. It is much easer for a teen to say, “I can’t do that or be in the room when you do it because my parents drug test me when I get home” then to say “No I don’t want to do that”. For the most part unless a teen girl is looking for drugs to escape their lives they appreciate having a way out from taking them.

The real problem here is that drug dealers are marketing and targeting preteens and teens. Our kids and teens don’t even know that they are taking a drug. There were some sour candies that the dealer coated with a drug and they looked the same as the regular sour candies. Others have made special suckers; the drug was mixed in with the sucker ingredients when they were being made. It looks like a sucker, why would any one think it was not one. Then they don’t sell drugs to the kids and teens, but they sell a candy that is special, makes you feel better, or how ever they want to market it. The next thing you know the kids and teens are addicted to a drug they did not even know they were taking. Drug testing at home can catch this and help find where the drug is coming from.

Third: Alcohol

This one is the hard one. It is legal and teen girls see their parents drinking. If it is ok for the parent to drink alcohol why can’t they? It is one of those do as I tell you not as I do type situations, and that never works. A lot of people do not see there is any harm in drinking even when it is underage drinking. Telling teen girls that drinking puts them at risk can help keep them from drinking, but only if they understand the hard facts about it. Not some lame, “Don’t drink its bad for you.” Drinking impairs decision-making so you have to stop them from having the first drink.

Teen girls need to understand that it puts them at risk to be raped as well as other things. Alcohol is responsible for most teen deaths. Death caused by drunk driving is the one most people think of. However alcohol poisoning is right up there as well as non-vehicle related accidents. When some one is drunk or stoned things that would normally be obviously dangerous is not seen that way. This would explain many injuries and deaths like trying to race across a train track and beat the train, or jumping off a cliff into water to go swimming.

How to keep your teen girl from drinking or doing drugs? There are home tests that you can use to tell if she has been drinking or doing drugs. It makes it easer for her to say; “no I get tested when I get home”. If she is old enough to drive get her to always be the designated driver. The best thing to do is to be brutal in showing the consequences. Not just the films about drinking, or showing the cars that were in drinking related accidents. Show them the people on the street, homeless, see if you can show some one detoxing from alcohol or drugs. Have them talk to some one whose friend or family member died from alcohol or drugs. Make her watch how people act when drunk. If she does come home drunk film her. Then show her what she is actually like when drunk.

Have you told your kids how wonderful they are today?

There have been all these studies that have shown that you don’t spoil your child by praising them. It is actually more positive to consistently praise your child for trying then it is for completing the goal. It gives them the confidence to keep trying, improves their self-esteem. The best part is that if we the parents are constantly giving praise for the good things they do, even when they don’t succeed, we are giving them positive attention. They are less likely to act out trying to get any attention. I like that, I can tell my kids how great they are doing and we both win, they feel positive about themselves and don’t go off the deep end trying to get my attention. I feel a lot better being able to tell them they are doing something great then spending all my time trying to get them to behave.

So can you tell I have been taking “The incredible years” course? Our youngest just turned three and suddenly we had this uncontrollable screaming child that nothing would make happy. If her brother has something she has to have the same one he does. The very same one, from his plate or hand. Nothing else will do. She will say; “I want that one!” and point to what ever we were going to hand our son. Some times we would not even know what would set her off, she would just have a full blown tantrum and the more we tried to find out what was wrong the louder and longer the tantrum would become. She would get upset if we tried to comfort her and if we tried to leave her alone. It was a no win situation. We had no idea on how to deal with this sudden behavior change. We called for help and were signed up for the very next “The incredible years” course.

It is working and has improved our lives. Our son is no longer asking if we are bringing her back home from Daycare. He did not want us to. We had to make some big changes on just how we interact with our kids. Most important is that we actually play with them, not just supervise or be available but actually get down on the floor and play. We had to start thinking about what we were saying and what it means to us and what it means to the kids. What does Behave actually mean? We may be asking them not to jump, or to stop hitting each other, or to walk with us in the store, or any number of things but we say, “behave” instead of what we actually want. What does behave mean to a child? If one day we say behave means to not fight with each other, and the next day to stop climbing the couch we should not be surprised if our kids don’t know what we expect from them when we use the word behave.

The most powerful thing we learned though is to tell our kids positive things about themselves all through the day, not just when they have done something perfect. That they are doing something positive is worth praising, even when it is something they do all the time. The more positive things you tell your kids decreases the negative comments and discipline required. By focusing on the behaviors we consider good and ignoring the ones that we consider bad (but not dangerous) the positive behaviors increase, the bad ones decrease. Mind you the negative ones will increase for a bit until they get used to the positive feedback, you just have to make it through the transition and then stay consistent and life with your children should be easer and more fun.

We noticed a change right away, first an increase in the negative and then suddenly a dramatic decrease. Though our daughter is considered difficult and strong willed we have reduced the big tantrums for the most part, and we like that a lot. She is constantly testing us but it is no longer the full-blown wars we were having with her. We don’t feed into it anymore. What has freed us is knowing that we don’t have to win every battle but to pick our battles instead, to acknowledge what we like and ignore for the most part what we don’t. Tantrums don’t last that long if they don’t get the attention, and don’t get their way no matter how much they scream. The more you tell your kids how wonderful they are the more wonderful they actually become.

Setting boundaries for your children's free time

I have had to set boundaries for my children’s free time. If I did not use a timer when my son is on the computer he would be on it all day. I need to use a timer so that he knows when his time is up, he has no idea how much time passes when he is playing. Using the computer started as a way for him to learn and to help with his hand eye coordination. The next thing I know is that I have a four-year-old computer addict. He will give up just about anything for computer time. I use it as a treat or a reward, some thing to be earned not a right.

As my children get older I am going to have to make sure they have a balanced life. To do so I will have to put limits on computer and TV time and make sure they play outside with other kids. I have already decided that my children will not have a TV, computer or phone in their rooms. That will all be in the living room. That way I have more control over when they use them and what they use them for.

I will be enrolling them into after school and summer programs so that they socialize and do some type of activity. I, like any other parent, want to give my kids all the opportunities that I did not have. At this point it is open to what programs they will go into. I want to make sure it is some thing they like. I can only give them the opportunities to do things; I cannot make them participate. Swimming, baseball, gymnastics and dance all seem to be high on my son’s list right now, so we will try those first.

I know that my children are going to have great demands on their time when they start school. They will have less free time and will want to spend it doing what they love the most, be it computer games or playing sports. As an adult it is very easy for me to become caught up in a book, game or TV show, how can I expect my children to be any different? I need to give them boundaries, balance until they are able to create their own boundaries. At the same time I need to make sure I don’t limit them so much that they rebel and find other ways to get the TV or computer time they want.

I have some great ideas from talking with parents of older children. Now only time will tell how they will work on my kids. Homework must be done before I let them watch TV or play games. I need to give them a choice of games, computer ones, handheld ones, ones played on the TV and board games. I want the games to be ones that the family can all play, so there is some family time involved. Arts, crafts and music are all very important and I need to give them access to create or enjoy them. The best way is for me to do things with them, not just put some paper and pens on the table and tell them to keep busy. The one thing that seems to stand out the most, no matter what activities I expose my children to, is that I need to participate with them. My involvement as a parent is more important then the actual activity.