Food for thought, Pedophiles that don’t get caught

I received a very disturbing comment today on my blog posting

Lady Talks a Lot: Pedophiles wives are victims. 

Anonymous said...


We are here, we will always be here and the longer and harder you fight....the stronger we become. We are law makers, we are law enforcement, we are the teachers in your schools, the ones who bag your groceries, the ones who service your AC units on hot days, the ones who drop off your mail, we work at Disney Land and none of us look alike. And the cold reality of it....not all Pedophiles are Sex offenders. Most of us never get caught.






Food for thought....



I think that it is true; most of them are not caught. Pedophiles work very hard at fitting in and hiding what they are and what they do. Anyone could be a pedophile. I know that there are several “poor” pedophiles in my area, ones that got caught and are registered as sex offenders. This comment just makes me wonder how many “good” (not caught) pedophiles there are in the same area.

I think that pedophiles pray on the weak and lonely. We need to make our children feel proud, loved and welcome so they can be strong. We need to be there for our children so they are not lonely. Our job is to let our children be children, not victims. We may not be able to find and stop pedophiles but we can try to make it more difficult for them to succeed.

Children need to be heard, believed and trusted. If a child said someone is hurting them or touching them we need listen. The real problem is that the person doing it may not be the person the child say’s is doing it. Many children are scared to tell the truth because they think the person will hurt them or people they love. Sometimes it is the very people who they should be protected by are the ones hurting them. As adults it is our responsibility to listen to the children, even if they are not our kids. Get the police involved, they are often able to get to the truth even when we cannot.

The real crime is that too many people turn a blind eye or deaf ear to those in need.

Not a deadbeat Dad but a sometimes Dad

We all hear about the deadbeat Dad’s but what about the ones that are not. The ones who miss their kids and want to be full time everyday Dad’s who only get to be sometime Dad’s. The ones who have to watch as their kids call someone else Daddy, someone they spend everyday with and he only gets the odd weekend and phone calls. Men who struggle with the lost of time with their children. Time they can never make up on a weekend or over the phone. Someone else is giving them bath time, reading stories at night, doing monster hunts, fixing boo boo’s and holding their hand as they walk to school.

One day “Bob” came home to his common-law wife only to be told that she was not happy anymore, did not love him anymore and that she had packed his bag and he was to leave. Their son was being babysat because she did not what him to see the fight and Bob leave. So Bob went from being a Daily Dad to a sometimes Dad in a blink of an eye. Now he was homeless, without his family and at a complete loss. He moved in with friends for a few days as he tried to work things out with his wife. They all thought it would only be for a few days, but no.

Eventually he found a place to live and a job. He agreed to help out his sister, a single mom, who needed someone to watch her children when she went to school. He needed a place to live and she could supply that. It was with the understanding that this was only until he could work things out with his wife. Unfortunately it was not in the same town as his ex and son, but as he said “It is not like I am getting to spend any time with my son as it is, she will not let me see him.”

It has been a few months now and his wife just told him that she is already moving on with her life and so should he. The guy that was just a friend turns out to have been more then just a friend. He is devastated. He misses spending time with his son. He never gets to see him because he lives in another town and has no car. On top of that she is not being that co-operative. She cut Bob out of her life and does not understand what the problem is, so what if that means he does not get to see his son anymore.

It is eating this man up from the inside out. It is killing him. He is missing being able to read stories at bedtime and just playing with his son. He is going to miss out on being his son’s hero, to teach him to ride a bike, tie his shoes, and everything else that is part of being a father. Halloween is coming up and he will not be there to help his son find the right costume, or go trick or treating. Then Christmas. He does not even know what he son would like, and has no way of talking to him to find out. He does not know if his son will even know the gift was from him or will she just say it is from Santa. He is quickly becoming a stranger to his own son, a little boy he loves with all his hart.

How do you go from holding your son’s hand as he goes to sleep to not seeing him at all? How will his son know him, and know that he loves him if he is not part of his life?

Until I met this man and have seen what this has been doing to him over the last few months I never thought about what it was like for the father when families go wrong. I always saw single Mom’s talking about deadbeat Dad’s. Who sees the other side of the fence, the fathers struggling with being separated from their children? It is easy to see the single Mom and identify with her, but it is harder to see and identify the man who is torn up inside because it has been a week since he last saw his kids and he will not get to see them for another week, or the men who don’t get to see their kids at all.

I am not saying that there are not deadbeat Dad’s. My own father was one. I am just saying that it is a horrible thing to be separated from your children whether you are a man or a woman. Dad’s can and do feel anguish and sorrow over the loss of their time with their children. The moments and memories they are not going to have and struggle with being a sometimes Dad, trying to make the most out of what little time they have. How can you develop a relationship with your children if you don’t get to be a part of their lives?

*Bob is not his real name, I used that to protect his privacy.

Pedophiles wives are victims

It was pointed out to me that in my blog Aftereffects, pedophile goes to jail now what I was not as clear as I could be that I feel his wife was and is a victim as well. I don’t think she was anything but a victim in this. That does not mean she does not feel guilt. Guilt because she thinks she should have known, how could she live with someone like that and not know? I don’t ever want to deal with questions like that. One day your life is normal and the next you are the wife of a monster. You loose your identity and instead become the wife of a pedophile, a rapist or a killer. And people ask, “How could you not know?” and it is hard to answer because the same question is running through your head.

The wife or girlfriend of a pedophile feels guilty because she believes she should have seen through to the real person and known what he was doing and somehow stopped it. That somehow she let it happen. The truth is that unless she knew what was going on there was nothing she could have done to make things different. An uncaught pedophile is good at deceiving people otherwise they would have been caught by now. This is what they do. They need to blend in and be well liked and trusted. Pedophiles hide what they do from everyone. It makes sense that they would hide this part of their lives from their loved ones.

Once the pedophile has been found out the wife will often pay the price socially for his crimes. Suddenly people who were friends pull away. It may be that they don’t want to be associated with the pedophile in any way, not even as a friend of the wife. For others it is simply that they have a hard time separating the wife from the husband even though she is innocent. She is the one that is available to put the blame on or become angry at because he is safe in jail. What ever a persons reason it still means loss of friends and social standing for the wife.



For some wives and girlfriends the backlash is so bad that they move and change their names. They cannot live a normal life being connected or associated with a monster. People turn their anger on the person that is available, and often don’t believe that the wife or girlfriend did not know. It is hard to understand that the wife is probably more shocked then anyone else, because they really did not have a clue that this was going on.

What counts is what the wife or girlfriend does once they know. Some support their man because they cannot believe that the man they love is capable of doing something that horrible, it must be a mistake. Often this changes once there is undeniable proof, once they know for sure they accept that this really happened and leave him. Others condemn the man as fast or faster then anyone else. They leave the guy and will often try to help convict him. These ladies were victims. Unfortunately there are some who will hid it or make excuses for their men, like that Grandmother on Dr. Phil last year who hid the fact that her husband was molesting their granddaughter, and as far as I am concerned that makes them an accessory not a victim. So what a person does once they know determines if they are a victim or an accessory, prior to knowing they are just another victim being used by evil.