Tell Your Teen Girls Rape Happens

 

You don’t have to be a victim to be raped.  It is not true that only bad people are raped.  Being a good person does not keep anyone safe from predators.

A few years ago I wrote an article on Tips on talking to your teen girl about sex.  In the article I pointed out the need to tell young ladies, or teen girls that men and teen boys want to have sex with them.  Some will say and do whatever will get her to agree to have sex with them.  Some will use alcohol and drugs to lower her inhibitions to get her to be more willing to have sex with them.  There are also people who will simply rape them, with or without the use of drugs.  It is reality.  One person commented: “I think we should spend more time teaching our sons not to rape as opposed to teaching our daughters that they are victims.”

You don't have to be a victim or even look like a victim to be raped.  You just have to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, or come to the attention of the wrong person.  Rapists are called predators for a reason.  You don’t have to be a woman or girl to be raped or a man to be a rapist.  Anyone can be raped if the rapist puts the time and effort into it.  It is about power and control after all, not sex.  So telling your daughter that people out there want sex with her and some are willing to take away her choice is not making her a victim.  It is letting her know it is possible.  How can we expect our children to protect themselves to the best of their ability if they are unaware that this can happen, or think it only happens to bad people so it will not happen to them?

Rape is a reality and a real possibility.  We cannot put our heads in the sand and pretend it does not happen, or will not happen.  Telling little boys and teens that is wrong to rape is no different than telling them not to steal.   They need to know this, but that does not mean they will not choose to steal, or rape.  People make bad choices all the time, and some people feel they are entitled to whatever they want, including sex with someone even if that person is not interested. 

We need to make sure our children, male and female, know that rape is real.  There is nothing wrong with doing everything we can to prepare our children to live in the real world.  We need to make sure they know what they can do to try and protect themselves.  We don’t want them to be hurt or die in a car accident, so we tell them to not drink and drive.  So what is wrong with telling them not to take drinks from people they don’t know, don’t get so drunk you pass out or are unable to say no, or too drunk to care who they have sex with.  What is wrong with telling them not to hang out or walk down a dark alley if they don’t have to, walk in well light areas and travel in groups whenever possible.  It is important to avoid problems and learn to protect themselves if a problem does occur.  There are things people can do to deter a rapist, so it makes sense to tell our kids.  Also we need to accept that some rapists are not deterred no matter what someone does; they will find a way to do what they want.   As parents we have the opportunity to give our children the knowledge and tools to have the best out of life, or we can leave them unprepared and vulnerable to people who don’t care that your child deserves the best out of life, not the worst.

We also need to state that the rapist is responsible not the victim.  Being raped does not make someone a bad person, or valueless no matter what some people say.  Also no one deserves to be raped. 

Christmas and Birthday Gift Ideas for 14 year old boyfriend

I was recently asked: My boyfriend is 14 and we have only been for a couple of weeks his birthday is next Wednesday what do I get him?!?!?!

Because this is so close to Christmas I am looking at what would make a good Christmas gift for a 14 year old boyfriend as well as birthday gifts.

The first step is to think about what you have in common. What things do you both like to do? What things does he like? Also what type of budget do you have?

For a relationship that is only a few weeks old it can be very difficult to identify a meaningful birthday or Christmas gift. At this point you want something that says. “I like you and I know it’s your birthday/Christmas so I am showing you that I care enough to try and give you something you like”.

Because I don’t have a lot of information I am going to make an assumption, something I don’t usually do. I assume you don’t have a large gift budget, so you want something nice but not expensive. This makes it even more difficult to find the right gift for him. A simple solution is probably going to be the best way to go. It has been a long time since I was 14 but I will do my best here. A lot is going to depend on his personality and yours. You need to think about what you would like to give him, and then figure out what suits him best. The lack of a budget is really what is holding me back.

Here are some Birthday/Christmas ideas for the average 14 year old boyfriend, just keep in mind no one is ever really average.

1) Homemade cupcake with a candle in it, or cake if you like. You can always buy a cupcake if you don’t bake. It is a bit corny but it could be fun, simple and not expensive.

2) Music downloads for his phone, iPod, MP3 player, or computer. CD if he uses a CD player.

3) If he does not have an iPod or MP3 player you can find some inexpensive ones. I have seen some under $20.

4) If you have the budget a video game for a system he already has.

5) A poster or other theme item around something he really likes. Maybe even a T-Shirt or hoodie if you feel comfortable with giving him clothing. It has to be with an image or logo of something he really likes. Sports, music, band, movie or just about anything. I suggested the poster because they are usually not too expensive and you can find a large variety of themes that can fit just about any personality. For example I have in the past found some great unusual theme posters and other items at Think Geek. www.thinkgeek.com. However, don’t limit yourself to just looking at Think Geek. There are tons of theme gift items for just about anything and everything you can think of. Some of them are easy to find, and are not that expensive. Your best bet is to check out what is available at your local store.

6) Theme items that are fun, unique and not too “sappy, committed or clingy”. Again Think Geek has a lot of cool small gifts from clothing to toys that are not for “kids”. There are a lot of items on the Think Geek website that can be great birthday gifts for the right person. However seeing as you only have a few days I would suggest you look at the site for ideas and then find what is available in local stores. You may be able to get a head start on a Christmas gift for him as well.

a. I thought the Led Magnetic digital Graffiti was fun, and not too expensive.

b. If you had been together longer and he was into computers I would suggest the Led flashing Sweetheart kit, though it is corny.

c. The USB plasma ball is something I would actually buy my husband and son, so it kind of fits any age.

d. The Giant plush microbes are different, but fun at the same time.

e. There is the Melodyhorn Air Powered Synth if he likes to play music.

f. The crystal growing kit and the root beer brewing kit both looked interested but would appeal to different personalities.

g. The emergency inflatable brain could be funny if he has a sense of humor, but not very “romantic”.

h. The Pentominoes 3D puzzle cubes are good, but only if he likes that type of thing.

7) Very last resort, gift certificate and a card. Only do this if you just cannot make up your mind. It would be better to get the wrong thing and save the receipt then to give a very generic gift certificate unless it is what he actually wants. Though there are times when this is a great Birthday or Christmas gift. If for example there is a movie he really wants to go to but it is not out yet. You could get him a gift certificate for the movie theater to be used when the movie comes out. So really you are buying him something he really wants that is just not available yet. This also works for any CDs, DVDs, or games that are not out yet, but he really would love to get.

The 14 year old boys I know want cell phones, stuff for their cell phones, video games, money, clothing, skateboards, music, movies and anything that they see as adult and not kids stuff. However, I know for a fact that most 14 year olds don’t fit into the assumed stereo type. They may not be adults yet, but that does not mean they are children. Most 14 year olds have distinct likes and dislikes. I have to admit that I am trying to give you general ideas that may be stereotypical simply because I don’t have enough information to go on and I don’t know you or your boyfriend. Also because you are a couple I am not going to give you the same gift advice or ideas I would to a parent.

When it comes right down to it you need to go with your own knowledge about this young man. Find out what he would like, and go with that. Who cares if it fits into the typical gift category or is not what most people would give as a birthday gift or Christmas gift. What is important is that it is from you, and that you know it is something he is interested in. If he loves cooking, get him a cook book or better yet make him one from recipes you find online. If he likes working on cars find him the manuals for some cars, or tools he could use on cars. If he likes to paint get him paints or a sketch pad. The real secret about finding the right birthday gift is that it is for him and about him, not what other people think he will like or makes a great gift. It is about giving something that is as individual as he is.

Most important is that you do not give something that you would want to take back at a later date, or regret giving later on. This advice is for everyone of any age. It is not a good idea to take or give risky photos. Never give “sexy” pictures, they tend to show up in the wrong places at the wrong time and once they are out there you can never get them back. Never get a tattoo or other permanent body marking with a name on it as a gift. Things change and tattoos are hard to get rid of or change. I say this for two reasons. One a gift should be focused on the person receiving it, sexy pictures and tattoos put the emphasis on you, not them. Second, it is hard to undo some things, like a tattoo and things like risky photos are out of your control once you give them away, or send them by email. There are just some things you don’t want getting into the wrong hands.

After effects, pedophile goes to jail now what

A few years ago a monster was reveled to be among people I knew and hung out with for years. Bruce was sexually molesting the children of those who knew and trusted him. This had been going on for years. Eventually one of the kids became old enough and strong enough to let people know what was going on. Then the true horror came out as family after family realized they had let this monster have access to their children. And the questions started, did he do anything to my child or children. Unfortunately the answer was yes. (Not my kids because we did not let them baby-sit or be alone with them)

So people did the right thing (or not) they let him live and put him in jail. That was not the end of it. There are countless children, some are teenagers now, dealing with what was done with them, who statistically will either become victims or abusers if they cannot get the help they need. The parents are still dealing with the guilt that they let this happen. The guilt destroyed relationships, families and marriages. The guilt and anger ate away at them.

A large group of people literally fell apart. Years of friendship and experiences all became tainted by one man. The local SCA group (the hobby group they all belonged to) became associated in the minds of many with this man and what he did to the children of his friends. People stopped being a part of the SCA because now the people in it and the events they went to reminded them of Bruce. Even people who did not have children molested by him pulled away. Everyone was thinking, how come I did not see this, what could I have done, how did I let those children down?

His family had to deal with the guilt and shame. Though his sister and her husband publicly supported him and still feel he should be let back into the SCA. Not going to happen, they know what he is now. However this has caused a lot of conflict and destroyed quite a few friendships. The fact that they are both still part of the SCA group is part of the reason why so many have left it.

Then there is Bruce’s wife. She said she knew nothing about this side of him and divorced him as soon possible. She feels guilt for not seeing through him, and the fact that he was using her to get to more kids. They were babysitting a lot. She lost a lot of friends even though people said they knew she had nothing to do with it. She was still his wife. People could not be around her and not think of him. She has tried to move on and is in a new relationship but is still being affected by what he did. It did not help that Bruce and his lawyer tried to say that she was supporting him to try and get a lighter sentence. People who heard the lawyer say it in court are having a hard time getting past that even though she said it was a lie. No mater what she does now she has been tainted by the brush of Bruce and even years later feels as if she has to defend herself, that she did not know what he was doing and did not support him.

People are still dealing with what Bruce did years later. He gets out of jail next year and I am sure people will still be dealing with the aftereffects for years to come. It says something when the aftereffects outlast his jail time. I don’t think he was sentenced for enough time. Though I am not sure if there is going to be enough time for the children and their families. The question now is; where is he going to get his next victim? Someone who did this for years is not someone who is going to change or stop. He is just going to find another source of children and the cycle starts again.

What online games are safe to let our kids play?

I was reading a blog “Am I a bad dad for letting my kid use the headset in Xbox Live?” about a dad talking about the things being said to an 11 year old on Xbox. I thought it brought up a good point, what are adults and teenagers saying to our kids and each other. The name calling alone was enough to say I cannot let my children, who are much younger then 11, play Xbox Live, even with the speaker on let alone with the headset on. As he pointed out his son has told him about the names, but what has he not told him about.

I have seen some adults “play” and they can get quite verbally abusive. Everything from name calling to death threats can be heard when adult’s play, and that is with out the anonymity of being online. I don’t know what people are willing to say when no one can identify them, where there is little or no risk for being aggressive and no reason to be “nice”. At what point does the environment become so negative or toxic that our children should not be exposed? I know that when I play poker some of the people online are quit offensive, but I have the option to block their chat or report them. If they are breaking the rules, i.e. using abusive language they can be kicked off the system or their chat rights removed depending on how bad they were. I don’t think this option is available on Xbox Live, all you can do is limit chat to who is on your friends list and I think that takes away from the game if you are trying to be part of a team but cannot talk to them.

I know that there are quite a few sites now for kids to chat and play games. Who are the other people on the other computers? What are they willing to say to kids? I can only control what my kids say and do, not what they hear and read. This is why I don’t think online live games are going to be a part of my kids lives for sometime, or mine unless I have some control over what I hear and read. My kids and I don’t need to be abused to have fun, thank you. I want to be able to cut someone off if they are being abusive, I don’t need to hear it, nor do my kids.

I think the real problem is that there is not a moderator on Xbox Live, nor is there any way to have a moderator unless they start using verbal recognition programs and tap into every single game. The only way to control what is being said is for the people to control themselves, and that is not going to happen. Options, stop playing the game when a person becomes abusive, play through it, or don’t play at all. So you may want to think twice about what you are getting your kids this Christmas. What doorways are these online games going to open and what control do you have over them?

Why we fear our kids drinking alcohol

Why do we not want our kids drinking? Simple, we don’t want them doing what we did as kids, or what our friends did, or even just kids we knew did. Drinking makes you stupid. When drunk you don’t think strait and do stupid things, like having unprotected sex with someone you don’t know, jump off a bridge to go swimming, play chicken with a train, try drugs, and that is just what adults do. I don’t want to think of what underage kids do when drunk, probably the same type of things.

Some parents fear that their kids will be the ones that don’t survive what some consider a right of passage. Others see no problems giving their kids alcohol. My understanding is that most teen accidental deaths involve alcohol or drugs, and some that are not accidental do as well. I don’t want it to be my kids found dead from alcohol poisoning, or because they did something so fundamentally stupid it killed them.

Alcohol is legal but it is also addictive. It does kill brain cells so it is actually making us less smart. It changes how we think. It also changes our bodies so we need alcohol. All you have to do is see someone detoxing to understand how strong of a physical hold alcohol can have. Then you add the psychological hold, that it makes things better, its fun, cool, and you have to drink to fit in, it is easy to see why there are so many people drinking.

I don’t want my children drinking, underage or after. So why do I not want my kids to do something that is legal and considered for the most part harmless? My personal fear is that once my kids start drinking they will not be able to stop and that it will take over. That these two wonderful kids with the potential to do anything and be anything become nothing, or harm themselves or others or even die. I have seen it happen.

I already know that they are biologically predisposed to addictions such as drugs and alcohol. On one side their Grandparents were both heavy drug and alcohol users, and on the other side their Uncles are heavy drug and alcohol users. On top of that their father was an alcoholic, luckily clean and sober for two years before our first child.

It would not be a good idea to expose them to alcohol at any age. I hope to avoid the drinking by teaching them early on that drinking is not good for them. I don’t actually hold much hope that they will not drink. It is too much a part of our society. They are going to end up trying a drink once just to fit in. What happens after that is going to depend on them. I cannot stop them from drinking if they really want to. I can only do my best to restrict their access to it until they are of legal age to drink.

Who is to blame when it comes to underage drinking and sex?

There are underage boys and girls getting ID’s that gives them preserved legal ages. They use these to get into clubs, bars and buy alcohol. This is bad enough. They are out drinking and partying and doing everything we as parents don’t want them to be doing. Now for the most part it is kids 16 and older doing this but there are kids as young as 13 getting into bars. They look older then they are and the have the ID to back it.

There needs to be some changes with whom we hold responsible for the results. Do we need to start cracking down on the stores that are selling the ID, the bars and stores selling the alcohol, the parents or the kids? Usually it is the bar or store selling alcohol that pays the price, or fine. What about the store that made the ID for kids in the first place. What consequences do they have to face? These kids are not blameless; they are the ones who get the fake ID in the first place.

Then you have the poor smuck who thinks the kid is of age and has sex with him or her. Who pays the price there? Sure there are people praying on the underage, but if you think you are with someone who is legal, and they have the ID to prove it, who is responsible here? Who gets the label pedophile and jail time? Not the kid. This is where an innocent gets to pay the consequences. There needs to be a change in the law to respond to this type of instance. There is a large difference between someone knowingly having sex with a minor and someone having a one-night stand with someone they think is 21. They should not be treated the same.

So who is responsible? Those that provide the fake ID should be hit the hardest. Making it harder to get the ID that tricks people makes sense to me. Clubs, bars and stores that sell alcohol should be next if they knowingly sell to a minor, the fake ID should not be held against them if it is of good quality. You should not be penalized for selling to someone you think is legal. Same for the person who has sex with the 21 year old who is actually 14 but looks 21 and has the ID to prove it. How can that person be held responsible for having sex with a minor when all the information they had said otherwise?

That leaves the parents and the kids. How much blame should be placed on the parents of kids who are out at bars, clubs or buying booze? Should they not know what is going on and where their kids are? Sure ask that of the parent whose kid slips out of the house once everyone is asleep or the one who’s kid is supposedly at a sleepover or working. There is a point where you just do not have the control and yet somehow you, the parent, are being held responsible for your teenager’s actions. This one I have a hard time with because in one way a parent is responsible for their children but at the same time I feel that there are circumstances that the parents have done everything that can be reasonably expected and then some.

So whom should the responsibility fall on, the teenagers getting the fake ID’s in the first place! They are knowingly breaking the law and should be the ones to deal with the law, not the people they are tricking. This is not some innocent kid in the wrong place at the wrong time. They had to go out and get the ID made with the intent to use it to break the law. There should be some consequences for these kids to face, Juvenal jail time or something. It is fraud and should be treated as such. These are not innocent victims and should not be treated as such. The bars, clubs, stores, sex partners and parents for the most part are the victims here.

From the time I was 12 years old I could get into bars, clubs and buy alcohol at the liquor store with out ID. I looked as if I was in my 20 with out make-up on. I was not carded once until one week before my 18th birthday. In Canada 18 years is legal to buy alcohol. At age 13 I had 20-year-old guys and older trying to date me thinking I was the same age as them, and I was not in a bar or club at the time. If I could do this without ID think about how much easer it is with fake ID. The irony is that I don’t drink, then or now, nore did I go to clubs or bars when I was under age. At 12 I went into the liquor store to pick up some brandy for the Christmas cakes I was making and was able to get help picking it out and then bought it with out being questioned or carded. So my Mother would send me in to get her alcohol well she went shopping. A few times she took me to bars and clubs and found it funny that no one thought twice about letting me in. What could I have gotten away with at that age today with a fake ID?

How to keep your teen girl safe when she parties

How to best keep your teen girl safe when she parties, become the party home. Let your home become the one every one hangs out at. Sure you have a messy house and a large food bill but at least you know where your teen daughter is at and what she is doing. You can control what goes on in your home, make sure drugs and alcohol is not getting into the teens, and no place for them to have sex. The reality of this actually happening is slim to none as teenagers want to party at the place with the least supervision. So you have to deal with the reality that your teenager is going to party with her friends some where out of your control.

You need to teach your teen girl that she can party and have fun without drugs or alcohol, give her the real information about what drugs and alcohol do to a person. Control what you can and educate her on every thing else. We also must teach by example. What is the point of saying, “Do as I tell you not as I do”? It does no good to tell a teen girl not to do some thing she sees her parents and other role models doing.

Things parents need to think about to keep their teen girl safe when she parties. People need to understand that a party can be any activity outside your supervision. It can be at a school party, a birthday party, friends home, at underage dance clubs, or your teen girl can get fake ID and get into actual bars and clubs. There are too many things to worry about these days. If we let our teen girls party we need to make sure they understand what is ok, not ok and the consequences of her and others actions. What are we the parents most concerned with? Sex, Drugs and alcohol for the most part.

Let us deal with each of these: First Sex.

As parents we need to have the sex talk with our children, both boys and girls as early as possible. This way they will hopefully have a good idea of what sex is, what is ok and not ok, and the consequences like pregnancy, Aids and other STD’s. We cannot stop our teens from wanting sex, or even having sex. All we can do is try to make sure they make the best possible informed decisions.

We also need to build our teen girls self-esteem so they don’t need to turn to teen boys and men to feel better about them selves. Girls with low self-esteem often turn to sex to become popular and mistake the attention they are getting for love or as giving them value. Others with low self-esteem will let people treat them badly, even selling themselves to others for sex because they don’t think they are worth more or deserve better. We as parents need to do what we can to stop this from happening. We must let them know they are valued and loved by us, just the way they are. Not an easy thing to do.

What we need to make sure our teen daughters understand is that teen boys and even grown men want to have sex with them. Yes even when a teen girl is only 13 guys are trying to get into their pants; they don’t just want to be fiends. For the most part teen boys and men will tell her what ever she wants to hear to try and have sex with her. Others may go a more direct rout, using drugs and alcohol to get rid of her inhibitions, and make it easer for them to convince her to have sex. Others will use alcohol, and drugs to cause her to be unable to fight them off as they rape her. If you are passed out it is kind of hard to say “NO”. Others will just rape, with or with out the use of drugs and alcohol. Our daughters need to know this, not some sanitized version of life. They must understand that this can happen to them, it does not just happen to other people.

Second: Drugs

All children, and teens, must understand the difference between drugs and medicine. Medicine is some thing a Dr. prescribes to make a specific medical problem better. Drugs are sold or given by people who want them to get high, become addicted, and give them money to get more drugs. Sure the idea is that drugs make you feel better, have better sex, or just remove you from problems. The reality is that drugs make you stupid, addicted and change who you are.

So we make sure our kids and teens know not to do drugs. That it is not a cool or fun thing to do, even if other people around you are doing it. Doing random drug tests at home help them say NO. It makes it easer for them to give a reason for not doing the drugs, a way out from peer pressure. It is much easer for a teen to say, “I can’t do that or be in the room when you do it because my parents drug test me when I get home” then to say “No I don’t want to do that”. For the most part unless a teen girl is looking for drugs to escape their lives they appreciate having a way out from taking them.

The real problem here is that drug dealers are marketing and targeting preteens and teens. Our kids and teens don’t even know that they are taking a drug. There were some sour candies that the dealer coated with a drug and they looked the same as the regular sour candies. Others have made special suckers; the drug was mixed in with the sucker ingredients when they were being made. It looks like a sucker, why would any one think it was not one. Then they don’t sell drugs to the kids and teens, but they sell a candy that is special, makes you feel better, or how ever they want to market it. The next thing you know the kids and teens are addicted to a drug they did not even know they were taking. Drug testing at home can catch this and help find where the drug is coming from.

Third: Alcohol

This one is the hard one. It is legal and teen girls see their parents drinking. If it is ok for the parent to drink alcohol why can’t they? It is one of those do as I tell you not as I do type situations, and that never works. A lot of people do not see there is any harm in drinking even when it is underage drinking. Telling teen girls that drinking puts them at risk can help keep them from drinking, but only if they understand the hard facts about it. Not some lame, “Don’t drink its bad for you.” Drinking impairs decision-making so you have to stop them from having the first drink.

Teen girls need to understand that it puts them at risk to be raped as well as other things. Alcohol is responsible for most teen deaths. Death caused by drunk driving is the one most people think of. However alcohol poisoning is right up there as well as non-vehicle related accidents. When some one is drunk or stoned things that would normally be obviously dangerous is not seen that way. This would explain many injuries and deaths like trying to race across a train track and beat the train, or jumping off a cliff into water to go swimming.

How to keep your teen girl from drinking or doing drugs? There are home tests that you can use to tell if she has been drinking or doing drugs. It makes it easer for her to say; “no I get tested when I get home”. If she is old enough to drive get her to always be the designated driver. The best thing to do is to be brutal in showing the consequences. Not just the films about drinking, or showing the cars that were in drinking related accidents. Show them the people on the street, homeless, see if you can show some one detoxing from alcohol or drugs. Have them talk to some one whose friend or family member died from alcohol or drugs. Make her watch how people act when drunk. If she does come home drunk film her. Then show her what she is actually like when drunk.

The influence of alcohol on teen life

Alcohol can be found just about any place. It is in the corner store, our homes, in restaurants, on TV and in the movies. Drinking for the most part is shown as a social activity, something you do to have fun and fit in. There are scenes of underage drinking in a large number of movies and some TV shows. Advertisers tie alcohol with looking good, popularity and sexuality. The first alcoholic drink is also seen as right of passage, going from childhood to adulthood. We even give our kids non-alcoholic versions of our drinks. With all this positive imagery of alcohol, what is the influence of alcohol on teen life?

Drinking alcohol is perceived to be a positive non-harmful social part of being an adult. All teens want to be seen as adults, drinking is doing something reserved for adults, so by drinking you are doing something an adult would do. It is also an easy way to rebel, you don’t think I am an adult so I am going to drink to show you how much of an adult I am. This lets them do some thing that is against the rules but at the same time an adult thing to do. Teenagers will often boast about how much they drank showing how much of an adult they are. Other teens turn to alcohol to escape the reality of their lives, be it pain or boredom. Once a teenager has a drink it is easer to take the next one. They get a quick buzz and it feels good, they think they are having the best time ever. Drinking becomes associated with having fun, and soon drinking becomes the fun.

Being able to provide alcohol to friends and at parties can improve a teens social standing, they are seen as being more mature and are popular because they have the alcohol. People say that drinking will relax you, loosen you up, and let you have more fun. So a shy teenager will drink to feel more sociable, a teenager with low self-esteem will drink to feel more popular or to just fit in and others will drink just because everyone else is. Also it is not a lot of fun being sober around a bunch of drunks, it is easer to have fun with them when you are drunk to. Yes all teenagers understand that there is a legal age that they can go to bars and drink alcohol. At the same time though they see themselves as adults and don’t understand why they cannot drink alcohol legally. It becomes a challenge or a game to beat the system, to get fake ID and get into bars or clubs, or buy alcohol at the corner store. If you can get away with it then you are proving how much of an adult you are. Your actual age is not that important, what you can get away with is.

Drinking alcohol is a status symbol when you are a teenager. Though fortunately the idea of drinking responsible is also reaching teenagers. It is not cool to drink and drive. Unfortunately drinking competitions are still popular, the more you can drink the better. In some cases the faster you can chug a beer is what is seen as being the best. This leads to drinking until you pass out and in some cases get alcohol poisoning. It is easy to see how teenagers can quickly become alcoholics. Alcohol is seen as positive, is easy to get, does not cost too much and gives you a quick buzz. It is a quick fix for any social problems. You did not get the girl, have a drink and it will not matter anymore, or the drink will give you courage to ask another girl out. You don’t dance very well, have a drink and you will not care what you look like on the dance floor. Having a hard time with school or work, drink and forget. It is what some adults do, so it must be ok. Besides drinking is fun and sociable.

Once a teenager becomes an alcoholic things change. They tend to drink all the time, and as great as they think they are when they are drunk the truth is they are not that great to be around when every one else is sober. They start loosing their friends, and tend to drift to other teenagers using alcohol or drugs. Teenage drunks have the same problems as adult drunks. They drink lots, loose friends, drop grades, loose jobs and turn to alcohol or drugs to feel better. It just gets worse and worse until something changes, ether things get so bad someone steps in or they seek help themselves.

There is a lot of pressure on teenagers to drink. Being able to say, “No I cannot drink or do any drugs, my parents randomly test me for drugs and alcohol” takes all the pressure off any teenager. Some times that is all it takes, a parent taking the option away until they feel the teenager is able to make their own informed decisions and are able to deal with alcohol responsibly. Like when they reached the legal age to drink.

Tips on talking to your teen boy about sex

As parents we need to have the sex talk with our children, both boys and girls as early as possible. This way they will hopefully have a good idea of what sex is, what is ok and not ok, and the consequences like pregnancy, Aids and other STD’s. We cannot stop our teens from wanting sex, or even having sex. All we can do is try to make sure they make the best possible informed decisions.

Time goes by so quickly. We meant to have that all important sex talk but the time never seemed right. All of a sudden our little boy is a teen boy and we have to find some way to talk to him about sex. There are a lot of ways to open up a conversation about sex with teen boys. Here are some tips on talking to your teen boy about sex.

The first hair shows up, the typical sign of the onset of puberty. This is a great time to talk about hormones and body changes. This can lead right into the sex talk. “Now that you are becoming a man you are going to want to have sex so it is time we talked about it.” “You are a man now, you are going to have some questions about sex. Now is a good time to talk with you about it.” Talk about what his “parts” do and what they are for. The how and why people have sex as well as the consequences of having sex. Such as pregnancy and STD’s.

There is always some good looking girl or woman on TV, in movies, and video games. Ask your teen boy if he finds her attractive. Then ask what he finds attractive in girls or women. What “feelings” he has and what he would like to do, like hug her or kiss her. This opens up what sex is, what the feelings are and what is and is not ok, how you treat a lady, i.e. no means no.

There are always talk shows on teen sex and the consequences and even on how to talk with your teen about sex. Montel Williams and Dr. Phil usually have at least a few every year. Watch them with your teen boy. Talk about the topic of the show. Use the questions the show opens up.
Teen boys get erections all the time. You can open the conversation by talking about how best to hid them in public; what types of pants to wear and other strategies to avoid embarrassment in public. This is a great way to find out what else your teen boy may have questions about.

Teen boys also start having ejaculations in their sleep, wet dream. This is a great opening to talk about what an ejaculation is and then talk about sex. This is a good time to talk about the issue of having unintentional ejaculation when reacting to stimuli’s, i.e. a pretty girl is talking to you. This can be very embarrassing and teen boys need an idea of what to do when it happens, or a strategy to avoid it from happening.

Buy a box of condoms and use a cucumber to demonstrate how to properly use condoms. This lets you talk about sex, safe sex, STD’s, contraception and hopefully find out what sex myths you son might believe. Myths like clingwrap around the penise works just as well as a condom. This also opens the door to questions like, “What do the different condoms do”, “What condom do girls like best”, “How do you know when to make the first move”

It is not important the way you open the conversation, as long as you have the conversation and give real honest answers. Find out what your son already knows or thinks he knows. If you don’t know what misinformation your son has you cannot let him know the truth. You need to talk about sex, how good it feels, when is the right time, how to control the urge, how to react when a girl says “no”, and how to have control over your body not the other way around. Think about all the things you wish you had known about sex at his age and talk with him about it.

Teenager's reality - Would you like to ge a teenager again?

Would you like to be a teenager again? People today see teenager’s lives as being carefree and with out any real responsibilities. That is not reality. Today’s teenager does not live in the same world we their parents grew up in. Teenagers have huge demands on them, placed on them by others, for their time, energy and attention. Teenagers have as much if not more stress in their lives then adults. When we were in high school we would receive 2 to 3 hrs worth of homework. Today on average each teacher gives one hour of homework, which works out to be between 6 to 8 hrs of homework every night. That is like having two full time jobs. So not only do you have tons of work to do and not so much time, you have to do it well. You need to do well in school to be able to pass, apply for college or university, get scholarships.

Then you add employment into the mix. Most teenagers have jobs these days. It may be part-time or full-time but it is still a job, with every thing that goes along with it. Teenagers are not being treated as kids at work, they are employees and have the same expectations and responsibilities placed on them as any other employee. Just because it is in a fast food restaurant, or in a retail store does not mean that they are working any less then we do. They have the same stress and frustrations at their work as any one else. Being a teenager does not make it any easer to do the job, or make your self go to work. To be blunt, teenagers get some of the crummiest jobs because no one else will do them for the pay they get. Oh, and its not all fun and games with the paycheque either. Teenagers for the most part are not working so they can buy the $400.00 pair of shoes or go party with friends. They are working to pay for college, or university because they know that their parents cannot pay for it and it is not easy to get a scholarship. Or they have bills like car payments, insurance and some times rent, food and clothing. In some cases they are working to help out the family.

Now some kids are blessed with talent and can try to get scholarships. To do so they have to participate in extra curricular activities so they are well rounded. There is more demands on their time and energy, remember they have to compete for scholarships. If you are going for a sports, music, science, or any type of scholarship then you need to be putting the time into that area or activity. You have to be the best at what ever you do. How many hours a day do you have to put into being the best, be it as an individual or as part of a team. That is a lot of stress to put on some one.

Sound life a carefree life with out responsibilities yet? So we understand that teenagers are already under a lot of stress meeting the demands of school and work. Lets look at the expectations of parents and family responsibilities. We expect the teens to do well at school and get a job to pay for the things they want. What other expectations are we putting on our teens. They are expected be home at specific times, like meal and bed time. They are expected to get their homework done, and help around the home, baby sit their brothers and sisters. To take on some responsibilities at home like making dinner or cleaning up. They need to spend time with family, be it just Friday night movie night, or Grandmothers Birthday. They have to fit their schedule around the expectations of their parents and family. It is not like they do any thing but talk on the phone, play video games or hang out with their friends, right, that is what teens do. Why can’t they do what I want them to do when I want them to do it? The teen is just being a teen and is rebelling or just does not appreciate every thing I have done for them right. It could not be that they are tired or any thing like that. Right.

We think that all teens do is socializing with their friends. They always seem to be on the phone, talking or texting, or on the computer chatting, or out with their friends. The truth is that socializing and dating is a very important part of being a teenager. It is an important part of their development. They need to find some time to socialize. It is very hard to find the time with every thing else going on in their lives. So yes talking at school, the bus, on the phone, emails are ways to socialize that fit their high demand life style. You socialize wherever you can. Teens today have more demands on them then the average adult. They have teachers, employers, parents and their friends all demanding their time and attention. So your teen wants to relax with a few friends over, watch some TV, play a video game, let them. They need to distress even more then we do.

Still think it would be fun to be a teenager again? When you take a real look at the demands and expectations being placed on teens it is easy to see why they feel overwhelmed, burn out, give up or turn to drugs and alcohol to deal with it. As parents it is our job to make it easer on our kids. We need to understand the whole picture of what our teens are going through. Think about what you can do to help relieve some of the stress and demands on your kids now that you have an idea of what they are going through.

Your teen wants to be a in the fashion industry, now what.

To a teenager the fashion industry looks like it is fun and glamorous to work in, with the chance to rub elbows with stars or even become famous. If your teen enjoys fashion and would like a career in the industry there are lot of options for them to look at. The best thing to do is take a real look at the fashion industry and the careers in it. A lot of teens dream of being a clothing designer because they know how to sew and they love to make changes to clothing, or they just have great fashion sense. The problem with that is very few people have the talent, education and luck to become top of the line designers, or to have a successful clothing line; fashion is a business like any other business.

You teenager should understand that there are a lot more careers within the fashion industry then designer. There seems to be three main areas with in the fashion industry, designing, marketing, or buyer. Each one has a completely different set of skill sets, and education requirements. So your teenager can make fashion by creating the clothing, or tell everyone what is fashionable with marketing or decide what is going to be available in the stores as a buyer. All of this requires someone in touch with current trends and great fashion understanding.

Once your teen has a realistic view of the fashion industry and an idea of what they want to do then your going to look at different schools. Find out what they offer, what is the schools reputation with in the industry, and what is the success rate is for job placement, what schools work with your budget and what are the requirements your teen has to meet to be able to go to the school. You may want to look at location of the school. New York is the US centre for fashion so it makes sense that most of the best opportunities within the fashion industry would be in New York. Under the same logic some New York fashion schools would have an advantage over ones not located in New York. The contacts and opportunities alone could make a difference.

A fashion school in New York may have some advantages because of its location. It is just one of those things you need to look at when you are checking out what options your teenager has and what is actually going to be important to their career. No matter what career a person picks what school they go to can have a big impact on how well they do. You need to find the best one for your teen that fits your budget. Having the right fit can make the difference of successfully completing school or dropping out. It is just as important to put the time into finding the right educational path for an individual going into fashion as it is for someone going into law, science, acting, or anything actually. When it comes to fashion schools New York comes to mind, but there are local schools that may meet your teenager’s needs just as well, or better. It is all about doing your research about what your teen will need for success and what schools will give that to your teen.

How to keep your teen boy safe when he parties

The best way to keep your teen boy safe when he parties is to have the parties in your home. That way you know where he is, whom he is hanging out with, and what he is doing. It can be stressful having a bunch of teens in your home all the time, making a mess and eating all your food. Is it more stressful then worrying about what your teen boy is up to when he is not in your home? The reality of your home being the party house is slim to none. Teens will go to the home with the least supervision, no adults there, or adults that don’t care.

These days you don’t have much control over your teen boy. Sure you can GPS them, make them check in every hour, drug test them, control most of the money they have unless they have a job, and in some ways control who they hang out with, when and where. But only your son can control his actions and decisions. The best protection for your son when he is outside of your control is for him to be well informed about his options and the consequences of his actions. This means making sure he is well informed about the realities and consequences of sex, drugs, alcohol, crime and violence.

Do not just have the “don’t do drugs, drink, have sex or break the law” conversation. You need to show your teen boy what drugs and alcohol will do to him and his friends. What the real affect drugs and alcohol have on them. How it changes what they think and do, how “dumb” they become under the influence. How over time it changes your physical appearance from young and healthy to sickly and ugly. How it can kill him and his friends in many ways from overdose to being around the wrong people and being killed for the drugs or money. Find a way to show them what detox is actually like. Let them know all the realities about drug and alcohol use, not some Disney version of it.

Sex, well they are going to want to do it. You son needs to know what can happen when he has sex. This includes pregnancy and STD’s. He also needs a clear idea of what is OK and not OK, the “if a person says no it means no” conversation. It is not OK to have sex with a person just because they are too drunk to say no. Keep him safe from misunderstandings and mixed messages. These are things you can talk with him about and help him understand the complexity of having sex with some one. Most people don’t think of it as just sex, so there are the relationship issues to deal with.

Most problems come about because teen boys will do some very stupid things to impress a girl so he can have sex with her. This can lead to fights, and criminal activity like drag racing or theft so he can have the money and clothing to impress her. This is going to be harder to deal with, as you probably have no idea it is going on. Again you have to give them as much information about what is right and wrong and the consequences and then trust them enough to let them make their own mistakes.

How to try and raise a drug-free teen

As parents we need to explain to our children, and teens, as early as possible the difference between drugs and medicine. People use the words drug and medicine to mean the same thing. Yes drugs can be medicine, but when we are teaching our children and teens about drugs we have to show that there is a big difference. Teenagers have grown up in a world where a pill can make your pain go away, fix what ever your problems are. It is easy to understand why teenagers will look to drugs to fix things. They need to understand that medicine is some thing a Dr. prescribes to make specific medical and health problems better. Drugs are sold or given by people who want you to get high, become addicted, and then give them money to get more drugs. That is just the start.

I grew up in a home full of drugs and alcohol. I can tell you it made me a drug free teenager. I could see what drugs and alcohol did to people. Why would I ever let myself become one of them? People with no thought or ambition but to make sure they got their next fix or drink. There may not have been money for food or clothing for me, a child but by God there was money for drugs and booze. Usually a child raised in this type of environment is more susceptible to drug and alcohol abuse. I was the acceptation to the rule.

You don’t want your teen to do drugs, show them the real life of a drug addict before they become one. Show them the people living on the streets, selling themselves and even their children for drugs. Show them people who are dieing and still looking for the next hit. The open soars, burns and shrivelled bodies of people who care more about feeding their drug habit instead of their bodies. The hair and teeth falling out as bodies shut down.

Explain the brutal truth about what drugs do to people. Sure they may make you feel as if all your problems are gone, or far away but that only lasts for as long as the drug dose does. Show them people on drugs so they know how people act, there are films and TV shows out there you can use. Show them some one detoxing, all of it. The most effective thing though is to show them how doing drugs will affect how they look. Show them the gradual change from clean and pretty to dirty and ugly drug addict. Vanity can be a powerful thing, use it. Let them know what they have to look forward to if they do drugs; the irrational behaviour, no money, no longer having a social life or friends, selling any thing and every thing for the drug, stealing, and the deterioration of body, mind and soul. You need to show them the truth and then hope it sticks.

Do not sugar coat the reality of drug use. Once you have educated your teens on the reality of drug use they will never go near the stuff right, nope. Most teens don’t think that any of that bad stuff is going to happen to them. They will only use it once to try it. The truth is if they use drugs once they will use again, no matter what the excuses they give they will be back. Some drugs have been designed to take hold of you from the first hit. They change your body so that you need the drug. You will always need it, even once you become clean.

Doing random drug tests at home help your teen say “NO”. It makes it easer for them to give a reason for not doing the drugs, a way out from peer pressure. It is much easer for a teenager to say, “I can’t do that or be in the room when you do it because my parents drug test me when I get home” then to say “No I don’t want to do that”. For the most part unless a teen is looking for drugs to escape their lives they appreciate having a way out from taking them.

So you talk to your teens, trust them and show that trust but still test them for drugs. Tell them that you test them so that they can say, “Sorry, cannot do drugs. I get tested at home.” Explain over and over each time that the testing is so it is easer for them to say no. Don’t stop testing just because your teen has passed all the tests, move to random testing. Yes it is expensive, but not as expensive as loosing your teen to drugs.

The real problem here is that drug dealers are marketing and targeting preteens and teens. Our kids and teens don’t even know that they are taking a drug. It is hidden in some thing the kids and teens like, and then they get hooked on it and still don’t even know its drugs. All they know is they want more of that candy, or drink their friend gave them. Some drugs are mixed in or injected into popular food items and then repackages often with special wrappers or packaging. We are talking about soft gums and chocolate bars that are injected, drug coated candies. We just had a problem this year in my area with Sour keys (and other sour candy) being coated with drugs and given to kids. There are even special suckers where drugs are mixed in with the ingredients when they were being made. It looks like a sucker, why would any one think it was not one. The dealer is not selling drugs to the kids and teens, but a candy that is special. Kids and teenagers become addicted to a drug they may not even know they were taking. Teenagers have an idea that they are buying drugs but can justify it in their minds because they are buying candies, not drugs. Drug testing at home can catch this.

The idea is to get children hooked on drugs early as possible, by any means, and then start making money from them. These days’ drug dealers have a lot of competition so they need to create a market. Then there are designer drugs targeted to look safe to kids and teen. Like the one that is mixed with sugar and food colouring so that it looks likes harmless candy, even though everyone knows it is a drug. Then there are the ones that increase your sex drive, or someone else, or just increase the intensity. Of course a teen is going to be interested in this. Teens also see all the advertisings for sex enhancement drugs on TV, so if it is ok for adults to take things to improve their sex lives, it is ok for them to do the same.

The truth is that we actually cannot stop our kids and teens from taking drugs if they want to. We can try to prevent them from taking them, or wanting to take them. Then we use drug tests to show how serious we are when it comes to drugs, but they only test for exact drugs. We can talk to them, reduce access to drugs, be good examples by not doing drugs, and monitor them. If they do start drugs then we do what it takes to get them off it. The sad part is that often kids and teens are getting drugs from the medicine cabinet in their own home, or can buy over the counter. They can even get other drugs online, all they need is access to a computer, a credit card or a Paypal account. That is very hard to catch. So your teen has some cold medicine and a couple of different containers of painkillers for headaches, backaches, muscle pain. Does that mean they are taking drugs? Possibly. These days there are some very powerful drugs available over the counter, and when taken properly are fine. You don’t know if your teen is taking a handful of mixed pills with a chaser of cold medicine as soon as they are alone, and they are not going to tell you.

Tips on talking to your teen girl about sex

As a parent when I think about my girl as a teen and sex a chastity belt comes to mind. You know those medieval contraptions used by husbands going off on a crusade. They would put them on their wives, take the key and go away for a few years. Now I am not thinking about this to keep her from having sex, but to keep other people from having non-consensual sex with her. I figure that if I did my job right I don’t have to worry so much about her decisions but other people’s actions.

As parents we need to have the sex talk with our children, both boys and girls as early as possible. This way they will hopefully have a good idea of what sex is, what is ok and not ok, and the consequences like pregnancy, Aids and other STD’s. We cannot stop our teens from wanting sex, or even having sex. All we can do is try to make sure they make the best possible informed decisions. So how do we start the conversation?

There are a lot of ideas of how to start the sex conversation with your teen. Here are some different tips on talking to your teen girl about sex:

Let her know that you are there for her, and will be glad to answer any questions she has and then wait for her to come to you. This lets her pick the topic and the time. Only problem is most teen girls are not going to turn to their parents for answers about sex.

If your daughter is not a teen yet, start the sex talk by teaching the different body parts. Discus private parts and where babies come from. The earlier you start the easer it is to have the bigger sex conversations as she becomes older.

When explaining about menstrual cycle and what to expect include sex information. Discus how her “parts” work, what they are designed to do, and how and why people have sex. This is a great opportunity to have the big sex talk, and find out what she already knows, and what she has already done.

The best way to start a conversation about sex with you teen girl is to ask some questions or make some observations in a non-accusatory or non-aggressive way. Here are some examples:

When watching TV or a movie as a sex scene comes on, like kissing ask what she thinks about it? Has she kissed any one yet? Who would she like to kiss? Why would she like to kiss them? Does she know what happens after people kiss? This can open the sex conversation, or just help you have small conversations that give the information you want them to know or leads up to the big sex conversation.

When a commercial for contraceptives or safe sex products like condoms is on ask if she knows why people use them. What purpose do they have? Is it important to use them? This will give you the chance to discus consequences of sex such as pregnancy and STD’s. You may even find out she is using them. You can also fix some myths like using a candy bar wrapper is just as good as using a condom to prevent pregnancy and STD’s or that oral sex is not real sex, or that you can not get pregnant your first time. Awareness commercials for Aids are also a good way to start the conversation. Ask if she knows how people get aids.

There are some great talk shows like Dr. Phil and Montel Williams that cover sex topics. Watch them with your teen. Use whatever information or open questions on the show to start the sex conversation with her. Some times the show will do all the hard work for you. You may need to watch more then one show with different sex topics but it all helps. Find out what your daughter thinks about the show and the information given. Talk about what happened to the people on the show or other people you know.

When talking with her about her day or her friends ask if any of her friends are dating. Who she likes and if she has a boyfriend. This is a good way to find out if she likes boys yet, if any of them like her and how she feels about it. This is a good way to steer the conversation to find out if her friends are having sex, or what her friends have told her about sex. Very good way to find out any misinformation she has about sex and for you to clear it up.

There are some great story books out there that you can read as a story to your pre-teen or read with your teen that open the conversation about sex. It lets you be comfortable talking about it and hearing about it from your little girl. It opens the door way for the hard topics and questions; like how do you have sex, why do people have sex, does sex feel good, are you having sex (question for your teen), and what the consequences of sex are.

All these tips can be used to open the conversation. Make sure you have books or some thing to help you answer any questions or explain things. Have honest truthful answers and explanations ready. Give her real explanations about the why and how’s of sex. She cannot make good informed decisions if she does not have the right information. Sex is a good thing at the right time and place.

What we need to make sure our teen daughters understand is that teen boys and even grown men want to have sex with them. Yes even when a teen girl is only 13 guys are trying to get into their pants; they don’t just want to be fiends. For the most part teen boys and men will tell her what ever she wants to hear to try and have sex with her. Others may go a more direct rout, using drugs and alcohol to get rid of her inhibitions, and make it easer for them to convince her to have sex. Others will use alcohol, and drugs to cause her to be unable to fight them off as they rape her. If you are passed out it is kind of hard to say “NO”. Others will just rape, with or with out the use of drugs and alcohol. Our daughters need to know this, not some sanitized version of life. They must understand that this can happen to them, it does not just happen to other people.

We also need to build our teen girls self-esteem so they don’t need to turn to teen boys and men to feel better about them selves. Girls with low self-esteem often turn to sex to become popular and mistake the attention they are getting for love or as giving them value. Others with low self-esteem will let people treat them badly, even selling them to others for sex because they don’t think they are worth more or deserve better. We as parents need to do what we can to stop this from happening. We must let them know they are valued and loved by us, just the way they are.

Christmas presents your teen girl will always remember

Every year we struggle to make Christmas perfect. We rush around buying this and that, decorating the house, wrapping gifts, going to parties, having parties and just generally are busier then any other time of the year. We worry about having enough money and time to get every thing done. We spend time fighting our way through busy stores looking for just the right gifts to make Christmas perfect. We try to get all the “important” gifts on our children’s Christmas lists and make every Christmas memorable. The truth is we don’t know what present a teen girl will always remember. We have no idea what is going to end up being that special gift that stays in her memory.

Often times it is not the big flashy gift she had to have. More often then not it is something small that has some impact on her, has more meaning to her then anything else. There is no way to know what that will be. All we can do is try our best to find things that we think she will love, enjoy and use, and hope she likes them all. And just maybe some thing we give her this year will be the present she will always cherish and remember.

We also have to remember for the most part it is not receiving the gift on Christmas morning that makes a gift memorable, but it is the time spent with that gift and the memories around it. What might make the gift important is who gave it to her, how it was given to her and just how much she likes it. However, knowing that is not going to stop us from trying to find the one gift that stands apart from all other gifts she has ever received.

The best way to go about finding that gift is to look for gifts that suit her. It is not important how much it costs, if it is trendy or the newest technology. All that matters is that it is something that fits her personality. Something that is symbolic to her. It could be a necklace, a book, stuffy, a craft kit, a joke gift, her first journal, a CD of a band she never heard of before, or anything. The one thing we can all be sure on is that her most memorable Christmas present will not be a gift certificate or gift card.

Chances are you are looking for something a little usual that will stand out a bit but as we both know the gift she likes the most could be any thing. Think about what your teen girl has shown interest in and have fun looking. Just take the pressure off yourself because you do not decide what Christmas presents your teen girl will always remember, she does. It is too individual of a thing for anyone else to tell you what Christmas presents your teen girl will always remember as being special.