When do you finally stop giving second chances.

I understand that most people have been let down or betrayed at some point in their lives.  Usually by friends or first loves when they are in elementary or high school.  But most of us learn from that.  It is one of life’s bitter lessons, that usually helps us as adults to avoid or at least deal with situations where our hearts have been smashed, our trust broken or some has just proven that they are not meant to be part of our lives.
   

Sometimes there is that one person you just keep hoping they will get their act together.  Even though it is not likely you still in the back of your mind expect that one day they will change.  You wait at every opportunity to see if they will for once be the person you need them to be, even as you fully expect them to let you down one more time.  It still hurts ever time they prove that they will never change even though they are given every opportunity to do so.

Eventually you have to simply walk away.  Which sounds easy, but usually it is not especially if they are family.  How many times do you let someone have the opportunity to let you down, disappoint or hurt you just because they are your mother, father, brother, sister, son, daughter or grandchild?  How many times does the rest of the “family” pressure you into giving them one more chance?  How often does the very person hurting you or letting you down make everyone else think you are the issue, not them?  Or better yet convince your loved ones that you are being unreasonable, and are the black sheep, not them?  Nothing like having a loved one turn everyone against you.

I learned at a young age that my parents were not to be trusted, and did not have my best interest at heart.  As a child I tried to get help, but people, including family believed the adults not the child.  Even though I went to them year after year telling them what was really going on.  Eventually I stopped, betrayed a second time by the adults I turned to.  Other kids believed me, but what could they do.

Eventually I became old enough to leave and I did.  Other members of my family did help me go to school, gave me a place to live for a couple of years.  But even then they never believed me, always supported my parents version of things.  Even when my parents did or said something right in front of them they would self edit what happened.  I think they simply did not want to see or deal with the truth. 

Over the years I grew up, moved out on my own.  My father died, and on his death bed told me he never loved me, never wanted me and did not want me to even attend his funeral.  My mother had tricked him by getting pregnant.  Nothing I did not already know, but it still hurt that his last words were meant to hurt and harm.  My only crime, I was born.  I did not even tell my work place when he passed, did not cry a single tear.  I just went on with my life.  It was not like he was a part of my life before he died, I did not miss him. 

My mother on the other hand was still a part of my life.  For the most part I just accepted that she would be there.  I simply did not call her, or visit her.  If she called or came for a visit I would talk with her, spend time with her but I would not go out of my way to do so.  I was constantly under pressure to call her from other family members.  Eventually I had to cut her out of my life for several years.  Peace, finally peace.

Then I let my family convince me to talk with her.  So contact began again.  Eventually I started my own family and shock of all shocks she seemed to be a good Grandmother.  It happens, a bad mom but a great Grandmother.  I felt safe enough to go to counselling, mainly to deal with things so I could be a good parent.  I made the mistake of confronting my mother about my childhood, only to find out that she denied all of it and the things she could not deny “were not that bad and I deserved everything I got!”  From what I can figure out she has self edited the reality to make herself the victim and has never done anything wrong.  She decided that I was no longer her child and my children were no longer her grandchildren.  Thank goodness they were too young to understand or remember her.

However she started a campaign of hate right after that.  She convinced everyone that I cut her out of our life, that I was denying her access to her grandchildren.  She also convinced my family that I was demanding money, and things.  All I heard was how horrible I was for not letting her even talk to her grandchildren.  This from the same women who complained when I emailed her a photo of my children and told me not to send her pictures of them.  It was easy for her to convince everyone that I had done this because she had been telling everyone that I was a liar since I was a small child.  After all the things I told my family at 5 had to be a lie, a parent would not do those things to a child so it was easy for her to tell them it was a lie.

After many years and against my better judgement I finally let her have contact with the kids.  It was okay for a few years, but again she decided she does not want to have anything to do with us.  She visited and confronted me about all the lies I was telling her parents and sister.  I had not talked to my aunt in 9 years and I never talked about my mom to her or my grandparents.
 

It turns out that she has been full of anger for most of my life.  She was angry at me for “telling” when I was 5 years old.  She has self edited her memories to the point that I was at 5 years old telling terrible things just to cause problems.  That nothing was true.  She was angry at me and resenting me for things I said to her parents when I was between the ages of 5 and 10.  Some of the abuse came to light when I was eleven/twelve and she sent me to live with my dad for a year.  So it comes down to the fact that she has carried that anger for 40 years and in her mind it is a fresh as if it was yesterday.

She decided to cut me and my children out of her life again just like that.  We don’t exist to her anymore.  I have two children who don’t understand why Grandmother does not love them anymore, which is exactly what my concern was when I let her into their lives.  My youngest daughter turned one today.  No card, no phone call, nothing.  She is lucky.  She will never know her Grandmother and cannot be hurt by her.  As usual I am hearing from my family that I must have done something wrong, after all I have always been the one who lied and caused problems.  So the consequence of this is that now I don’t really have what I would consider family.

So when do you finally stop giving second chances.  Well hopefully people will learn from my example and will do so long before they can cause this much harm.  If being in contact with them is a negative experience then stop.  If they have an opportunity to hurt you or your loved ones it is not worth giving them a second chance.  If other people support the other person, well you know where you stand with them, move on.  It does not matter if they are family, or a long time friend.  If someone is abusing your good nature, causing you to be hurt physically or emotionally or is just not fun to be around don’t waste your time waiting for them to change.  They are not going to.  Simple!  If someone needs second chances and burns them but still expects more chances they have no reason to change, ever.  The only thing you are doing is giving them the chance to use and abuse your relationship and goodwill.  If people don’t understand why you don’t want to be around that person even after you explain it, they never will.  Don’t try to convince them you are right, just let it go and put your time and energy toward making your life better, with positive relationships.  Walk away from the negative.  If it is someone who you have no choice but to deal with (co-parent) limit contact and do not let their issues become yours.  It is hard to do, but having a better life is worth trying to do it.

Today I Wept : For Tim Bosma and his Family by Ellyse Murphy

I have to thank Ellyse Murphy for writing this.  She took the words right out of my heart.  I could not have put this any better.  Tim Bosma is not someone I knew, but my thoughts and heart go out to his family.  I think we all feel for his family and connect to him because he could have been any of us.

Today I wept. 

I wept for a stranger. I wept for a family. I wept for a nation. I wept for this world.
I have been anxiously checking updates daily, it’s consumed almost every conversation I’ve had and it hasn’t left my mind. Today, the update came – with great sadness. My heart fell, tears fell, I felt empty. I don’t know this man, I don’t know his family, I don’t even know somebody who knows somebody who knows him but I have a father; to grow up knowing I wouldn’t get to know my father because someone wanted a truck, would be devastating beyond words. I have a fiancé; to lose him because someone wanted a thrill, would break me in half. I have uncles, brothers and friends; to lose any one of them in this way is unimaginable. And so, I wept.

I can’t count the number of items I have sold on Kijiji. I have found many jobs and hired many people from ads on Kijiji. I have been in people’s homes, met in central locations and had people in my home. I have test driven cars and sold cars. Tim’s story is everyone’s story – we trust.

Today, I question God. We all wonder what kind of world we live in that a man could be taken this way. It’s okay to be angry with God. Your anger will make your relationship stronger. He will guide you through. Often, right before God gives us something, he puts us through hardship. For the Bosma family, this is one of the biggest hardships you’ll know. Today you will weep, tomorrow you will weep, you very well might weep every day for the rest of your life – a piece of you was killed when your husband, father, son, uncle, friend was killed. But, one day, you will find your greatest moment of strength and you will move forward for Tim, you will find a way to honour him, find a way to prevent this from happening again, find a way to make meaning; you will find your way.

To the media, I would ask that you report on Tim. Report about his life, his accomplishments, his family, his friends, the people who have prayed for him. STOP reporting on the suspects. I’m tired of turning on Google and finding stories about such a promising man in aviation, a humble man, a quiet and reserved man. I don’t want to read one more fact about him. I won’t speak for the family but I can’t imagine it helps them either. There is one question they want answered: why? This doesn’t require pages and pages of details on this man, your reporting is speculation. I don’t care if he was an aviation prodigy – today he is a monster.

To the men who took Timothy Bosma, I have this to say: You have broken a family. You have killed the dreams of a wife and a little girl. You have crushed a mother. His family mourns his loss but do not be mistaken, they are not alone. 41,855 on Facebook alone, have found a way to be there for the family – some sent prayers, some sent love, some called the tip lines, some posted flyers, some talked to everyone they knew about Tim, some were the reason you’ve been caught. People from across the globe are pouring out their love and compassion for this man and his family.
You are but two men. We won’t focus on you because we cannot. We cannot allow ourselves to be consumed with all that is wrong with the world. I saw 41,855 reasons that you don’t matter.

Let us remember – just when the caterpillar thought life was over, he became a butterfly.

Timothy Bosma – Gone but not forgotten.

I have a Job, Motherhood. Happy Mother’s Day

All my life I have made choices.  I live with the consequences and accept that they were my choices.  I am responsible for my life and my choices.  I have started to come to terms with the fact that some people only see the negative.  That it does not matter what I do or say it will never be enough or the right thing in their eyes.  To them I am and always have been the “problem”.  This is one of the reasons I chose not to have any communications with some people.

I am a good person, I like me and will not accept responsibility for other people’s views or opinions.  They are not my opinions so I don’t have to make changes to make other people happy.  I only need to make changes for me and my children.  I am not going to let other people make me feel bad about myself or put me down because I don’t live the life they expect me to have.  I am also not going to take responsibility for things outside of my control, like being laid off because the company I worked for does not have any work for me.

I have never had any problem accepting the fact that I need to work hard in life.  I don’t have my hand out or expect others to “take care of me”.  I don’t go around asking for things, though when help has been offered I have accepted it with gratitude and appreciation.

I know that once my daughter is a year old I will start looking for work again.  I expect that it will be difficult to find a good job again, one that I love to do.  I know I will probably have to take whatever job I can get to pay bills and live on, even with my college education and work ethics.  Maybe one day I will have a job I love again, but probably not.  The fact that I am unemployed (with lots of other people in the same boat) does not make me a bad person or mean that I don’t want a job. 

I live in reality, not in a dream world of how it should be, or used to be.  Once you could go to college, get a job and stay there until you wanted to leave or retired.  My reality is that no job is guaranteed even if you are a great employee, or work really hard.  The world my Grandparents, and my parents lived in is not the one I live in.  Their expectations do not fit within the current job market where I live. 

I look forward to having a full time job again that lets me pay my bills and take care of my family.  I know that whatever job I get will not fit within some people’s expectations of me.  I am just going to work hard at the job I do get to pay the bills and do the best at the job I will always have, that of a Mother.

My most important job is being the best Mother I can be.  Part of being a good Mother, for me, is getting a job that will help me take care of my family.  My identity and worth is not tied into a job, but who I am as a person and how I treat other people, especially my children.

Pay it Forward or a Helping Hand in Real Life

I keep finding postings about positive people helping out people in need.  I know many of them are fakes, but still make you think and are a good read.  However, I can tell a real story about unexpected help we have received in the last 6 months.  It may not be as well written as the stories usually posted, but at least they are real.

Our newborn was underweight and losing weight every day.  If she did not put on weight she had to go back to the hospital.  We had to put her onto formula, something we had not budgeted for.  She had nipple confusion and would not take the breast.  I talked about it on Facebook, I was very worried about having to put her onto formula and upset that I was not doing my job as a mom and breastfeeding her.  One lady in our area had a huge bag of formula that her baby was unable to eat.  Her family gave us the unopened cans of formula.  My daughter could eat it and put on weight.  There was enough formula that it got us to when we had money again.  Their kindness made a big impact on the life of my family. 

With a new born Christmas was very tight, but we expected that and made plans and budgeted for it.  We let our kids know that they would not be getting very much and they needed to pick one special toy they wanted for Christmas.  On the day we were told we had to put our newborn on formula we used our budgeted Christmas money to buy bottles, formula and a breast pump.  At the time I felt like a huge failure because I could not breast feed my baby and that took away the special toys our kids had asked for Christmas.  Just before Christmas a Christmas card showed up in my mail with a prepaid credit card with $50 on it.  This really helped us out.  We used it to buy the toys special to our kids.  It also let our kids buy a gift for each other, something they really wanted to do.  A small gesture made a big impact.  I don’t know how much the $50 meant to the person who gave it to us; I just know how big of a difference it made to us.

For my daughter’s birthday we told her no party this year and we would have to wait a couple of weeks to do something as a family.  Our daughter understood, and I never told anyone, not even family, about the difficulty we were having.  Out of the blue a few days before my daughter’s birthday a gift arrived, $50.  It gave us what we needed to do what she wanted on her birthday, to eat out at a specific restaurant, and still buy groceries for the next two weeks.  Again someone made a huge difference to our lives just because they wanted to.  It may seem like a small thing, being able to take our daughter out on her birthday, but it was a huge thing for her.  It made her feel important and loved.  With a new baby in the house she needs all the reminders we can give her that she is still valued, important and loved.

I never asked for help.  I don’t sit around with my hand out waiting for someone to make my life better.  But I am willing to accept kindness for my children.  I have no pride when it comes to my kids, if my pride has to go so my children can have what they need, so be it.  They always come first.

I do see this as what goes around comes around.  In the past I was able to pay it forward, or be that helping hand many times.  I have been told that I can be a soft touch, and have a hard time seeing people in need.  There were many times when money found its way into the hands of those in need, family, friends and strangers.  Many invites for lunch or dinner were given with lots of leftovers when we knew someone was running low on food.  Sometimes it was as simple as paying for the meal of the family behind us in line at a fast food place.  When we had our business we would often suddenly need “staff” when people really needed some real money.  They would work the weekend with us and would have the money they needed without feeling they were taking charity (and they actually did do work for us).

 

When we lost the business and moved into this complex we would to buy hotdogs when they went on sale, and fill our freezer with them.  It was not uncommon all summer long for the kids in our neighbourhood to show up whenever we turned on the BBQ.  They knew we would put on several packages of hotdogs, and they could eat.  For some of the kids it was the only food they would get during the day.  We knew that, and made sure they ate.  Heck we even bought a deep fryer because a bag of potatoes was cheap and make a lot of French-fry’s.  It is not something our family talks about, we just did it because we could.  Sometimes they would show up for dinner too.  Those kids don’t live here anymore, but we helped them out when they did.  It was nice to be able to make a difference in someone’s life.  I never expected to be on the other side, but I am grateful that I was.

Times are getting harder, more families are in need.  I see requests on Freecycle for food, and formula, clothing and more all the time.  It makes me sad that so many people are in need.  I hope to be able to repay the unexpected gifts of money one day when things change and I am working again.  Hopefully when it is need the most. 

I grew up poor.  I am poor now.  I expect to die poor.  But at least I am in good company!

 

Rant about New Computer Still in Box

I just found out my Mom bought a computer last year, and it is still sitting in the box.  She is using one from 2002, but has a new one sitting in a box! 

 

Ok, I understand that she is busy and does not have the time to set up the new computer.  She is waiting until the home they are building is finished before they set it up.  Mind you they have been building the new home for over 10 years, it might even be more then 15 years.  I have no idea how much more work needs to be done, or how long it will take. 

I am frustrated because I was trying to explain to her that if she has a new computer she should be using it.  Also you don’t buy a computer until you are ready to use it because you can get the same one for a lot less later on, or buy a better one for the same price.  She is happy to have it in its box, ready for when she wants to set it up.  I keep thinking about how much she spent (did not ask) and that she could have gotten a much better deal when she was ready to actually use a new computer, not store one.

 I think the problem is that she is just not that into computers the way my family is.  It is not a big deal to her if the computer sits there in a box for a year.  She had the money so she bought it and put it aside until she is ready to use it.  Computers are not a big part of her life, she just does not use computers the way my family and I use them.  My kids started trying to play on the computer around 2 ½ years old.  Heck, my kids have their own computers.  My mom actually bought our son a laptop when he was 8. My kids use computers every day, and so do I.  It is hard for me to wrap my head around having a new computer and not using it, not even opening it to make sure it works.

The real frustrating part is that I have been after her for years to do video conferencing with us so my kids can talk to her face to face, but the computer she is using is old, and is not equipped to do video conferencing (Skype).  Then I find out she has a new computer sitting in a box.  I just keep thinking about the time she is losing that she could have been talking face to face with her grandchildren on Skype.  I have no idea how close they are to finishing the house.  I don’t even know if their new computer has what they need to do Skype.  But as I finally emailed my Mom, it’s her computer so I will shut up.

 I was still frustrated so I decided to write (whine) about it to get it out of my system.  It helped me see that my getting frustrated about the new computer still in a box is my issue, not hers.   When she is ready she will open the computer box; that is her choice.  I should just mind my own business.

I am still frustrated though.  I want my kids to be able to see their Grandmother and for her to see them even if it is just on Skype.   I am sure she will get around to opening up her new computer, when she is ready.  I just hope she can Skype with it; that she has what she needs to do video conferencing.  Mind you if it was not for my husband I would have no idea how to Skype or what I would need on my computer to do so!  Thank goodness my laptop came with everything I need! 

Ok, I have to laugh at myself for getting upset about my Mom not setting up her computer when I have never set one up myself.  That is what my husband does, builds and fixes our computers (not laptops).  I am sure if I had to I could set one up, they have extremely easy step by step instructions or come fully loaded these days.  Build one, nope, but turn it on and follow what it tells me to do, that I have no problem doing. Now I am laughing at myself!

My Son Lied to Me Today – How to Deal with it.

First I expect the kids to lie to stay out of trouble – most people do, children and adults.  However, that does not mean my children get away with it.  Usually they lie about little things like who left the hall light on.  It is usually, “Not me”, “I don’t know” or any other answer like, “I forgot”.  We tell them I don’t know or not me don’t live here and get them to turn off the light or fix whatever the issue is.

When my daughter started grade one she also started taking things from school and telling us a friend gave it to her, or it was a prize from school we quickly questioned it.  We confronted her and made her tell the truth.  Part of what we did was go into the school and talk with her teacher to find out the truth – in front of our daughter.  She had no choice but to confess to taking things and telling lies.  It was quickly and firmly dealt with.  We consistently followed up to make sure she did not start stealing again. 

We explained to our kids that telling us the truth is very important, and that telling a lie results in a much worse punishment then owning up and telling the truth in the first place.  Also that once they lose our trust it is a very hard thing to earn back.  My kids know that telling the truth is important to us, even when we don’t like the truth.

So I was quite upset when my son lied about a big thing tonight.  My daughter came down stairs and told me my son had a big red bump on his head.  She tends to tell on him a lot, but this time she did the right thing and I told her so.  My son comes down the stairs with his bangs hiding a great big red bump.  We asked what happened – I don’t remember.  I don’t think so.  We quickly figured out he had been injured about two hours earlier when he had been playing outside.  So now came the fun part of trying to piece together what happened. 

We could tell my son was reluctant to tell us what happened.  Usually when he gets hurt he is the first one at the door telling us he has been hurt.  I mean even bug bites he is at the door looking for sympathy and attention.  We have some “bad” kids in the area who like to hurt the other kids.  Our son knows that we don’t want him playing with them.  We thought maybe he was playing with one of them and was injured by one of them.  That he was reluctant to tell us because he knows he is not to go near those kids.  Nope, he was not playing with any of them.  Once we confirmed that he was not hurt by another child we concentrated on getting the real story.

The story we eventually heard was that he slipped and fell and hit his head.  That it was just an accident because he was running.  No way was that story the truth, not where the big bump was.  I asked very specifically if he had fallen off the fence and hit his head, and he said no.  However we let it go and my husband checked him over to make sure he was ok.  He was made to sit on the couch with an ice pack until bed time.

 I waited until he was in bed, safe.  He had gotten away with it.  Not likely.  I had a little talk with him explaining that I knew he was lying and why.   I had a very good idea of how he had hit his head but needed him to tell me.  After about a half hour it all came out, exactly what I expected.  He decided to climb over the fence instead of using the gate, slipped and fell head first onto a cement pad in our neighbour’s back yard.  He knew he was not supposed to be climbing the fence, that’s why we have gates.  So he hid the bump and did everything he could to keep us from finding out.

He was expecting a full out punishment for doing something we have been telling him for years not to do.  Instead he got me explaining to him how dangerous not telling us about the head injury was.  With the fences we have around the back yards he could have really hurt himself, get a concussion, or died.  It took a lot but I think I got through to him that he has to always let us know when he has been injured.  Even when he thinks he will be in trouble.  It is way more important to be safe and healthy.  Also I was very blunt about the type of injury he had and how much worse it could have been.  Most importantly I let him know that by hiding it he could have made things much worse.  If we had to rush him to the hospital and had no idea how he got hurt or when, how could we tell the doctors what they needed to know?  I also calmly explained to him how upset I was that he lied to us.  I think I got through to him because I was more concerned about getting him to understand, then punishing him for the lie.  There are still going to be consequences for telling us lies, but it is far more important to me that I can trust him, and know that he understands why the truth is so important.

I am still very upset that he lied to me.  Getting angry with him, or punishing him this time would backfire.  Being calm and worried about how injured he was and how much worse it could have been was way more effective this time.  To be blunt, I think that scared him far more than any possible punishment I could have given him.  It was also very important for him to realise that he cannot get away with lying to us.  We knew he lied, and figured out what happened all on our own.  There is no benefit to lying to us, but there are to telling us the truth.

Summer Fun with the Kids on a none existent budget

School is going to be out in a few days. My children are going to be home all summer for the first time in years. No summer camp this year. So what am I going to do with them? This is going to be the tightest summer yet. For the first time ever even bus rides are going to be difficult.

For the last few weeks I have trying to come up with things for us to do that will not break the bank.  I have been having a hard time trying to figure out what the kids can do.  I have to admit part of it is that I want to take them to the water parks, the fairs and other fun things summer is full of, and I cannot.  The funny part is, the kids are happy to just play at home.  I don’t think they care as much about what they are not doing as I do. They are more interested in video games, watching TV and playing board games with us.  Not that they are going to be doing a lot of that!  When I think about it they are going to be having a summer more like the ones I had growing up.  My family never did the things I have been feeling bad about not doing with my kids.  So what if we can’t go out and do a bunch of stuff. Who said we had to!  (me, lol).

We have a recreation centre within walking distance. The pool is open for a couple of hours every day to the public. We have our passes already. Once I know the schedule I will know part of what we will try and do each day.  Swimming is a lot of fun and it will help keep us cool.

Water Parks. We cannot afford to go to the local water park this year. However there are some free mini water play areas at some of the parks. The one up the street has a tinny section with water activities, more of a water spot for babies and toddlers.  Also there are no bathroom facilities there. So that kind of takes that off the plans for summer. There is a nice water play area at the biggest park in town. It is one bus ride, and there are bathroom facilities there. Drawbacks, we have to bus and that is $10 each time. Also the park is where all the big festivals take place. We don’t want to take our kids there when a festival is on because we just don’t have the money to go to a festival.  We are not going to put our kids through that if we can help it. So trips to the water play area are going to be few, if any.

Beach.  We go every year at least once, sometimes twice. We will save so we can go this year. Some changes though, more packed lunch, less buy something there. The kids always have a blast and want to spend all day at the beach.  This has always been our big family summer event, and we are going to make sure we can do it this year.  It takes planning, and using a granny cart to bring all our stuff on the bus but it will happen this year at least once.

Parks – we have a nice one just down the street, no bathroom facilities though. I think we will be going to the park on nice days. We can walk home to use the bathroom.

Playing in the back area. It used to be nice, than the landlord took the play area out. Now we have an open area. The bigger kids are using to play soccer, football and even baseball. They don’t let the little kids have any space. So my kids will be going out when the teenagers are not using the area. They have room to bike, run around and have fun.

We are going to be putting all our water play stuff in the front yard this year. Why, because the teenagers have taken over the back area. Also there is not a lot of shade in the back anymore, we don’t have a sun shade this year. However we still have a wiggly worm, slip and slide and a little wading pool the kids can sit in.  Water guns will be a big thing this year. They can play and water the grass at the same time.  I am sure we are going to be going through a lot of chalk this year.  Also I think we are going to let the kids take out toys that were indoor toys only last year.  The more things they can do and play with the better. They can enjoy playing with the kids around here and their own toys instead of being at summer camp all day.  They both like the fact that they are not going to camp, even if it means they miss out on all the trips to the big water parks and other fun things we cannot afford to do.

I guess the biggest thing I have learned is that my kids don’t need to go to the parks, water parks, and other large expensive activities to enjoy their summer.  They just want the freedom to run around and play.

Surprise, Pregnant at 43

Many people find themselves with unplanned pregnancies. Often people think of unplanned pregnancies as something for the young, not those of us who are not so young anymore. Well that is changing as more of us older folks are having children later on in life.

Now when I say unplanned, I don’t mean it is an unfortunate turn of events. Rather another baby was not something we were trying for. To be honest we had decided that two children was enough 6 years ago. Things happen, and now we are having our third child, it is not a bad thing, just an expected but happy turn of events.

However there are some real pros and cons with being pregnant at 43.

The cons are:

It is considered a high risk pregnancy. Fortunately more and more older woman are successfully having healthy pregnancies and babies in their 40’s and even 50’s. This means that I have to be smart about what I do and eat. I have to take care of myself and the baby. Well I did that with the first two. Only real difference is that I am being monitored more frequently and will be going to an Obstetrician sooner than later.

Our other children are older 7 and 9. For some parents that it is a good thing, you have babysitters when they turn 12. For others the gap can cause problems within the family dynamics.  I am looking at it in the positive; I am not going to have three kids all in diapers. Instead I have two children who can help out and at least for the most part do a lot of things for themselves, like get a drink or something to snack on.

I was through with diapers. Guess not, lol.

We got rid of all our baby stuff. Now we have to start all over, from scratch. At least with my second child we saved a lot of money because we still had most of our baby stuff from our first child. Also we had friends who had children just before us and after us. We all passed baby stuff to each other.  I don’t think we are going to have that this time around, though I could be wrong.

We live in a three bedroom! The baby will be in one of the other kids rooms. Not sure how that is going to go over. Lots of changes, and adjustments.

Who has money for a baby?

We have to come up with a good baby name – do you have any idea how hard that can be?

Pros:

We know what to expect, and what we are going to be going through: the lack of sleep, the crying, the diapers and everything else that comes with a baby.

We have some skill dealing with children, and are not bad parents. Yes we made mistakes with our first two, but we will be making completely different mistakes with this one.

Our children are older, so they can help out.

What is available for baby’s now is way cooler then what was available 10 years ago.

Most important pro: We are having a BABY – way cool.

It is almost New Years and I have something to say

.

I would love to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

I hope that things are better next year.

I am tired of seeing people go hungry in a world of plenty. And I am not just talking about people being affected by droughts and other natural causes. I am talking about poverty right here, and all over the world. People go hungry every day, most of them children. I hope that this next year people don’t let other people go hungry.

I also want the adults to have jobs and be able to take care of themselves and their children, and for those with jobs, and are still living in poverty, that they get a raise or better paying jobs. I know, more people are looking for work then there are jobs, but maybe that will change this year.

I want children to stop killing themselves or others. Bullying is bad, and kills. I want children to find help, or a place where they are safe and feel safe. I don’t want them to kill themselves to get away from it. I don’t want them to kill others to make it stop. I don’t want bullies taking it to the next level and killing their victims.

I would love to see people being less angry and more caring. I don’t know when people started being angry most of the time, but it would be nice to see people being more accepting, and less angry. If we accept others for who they are, we have no reason to be angry because they are different. At the same time I don’t want people letting themselves be taken advantage of because they are trying to be more caring. I guess it’s a fine line of protecting yourself and being able to care for others. I want there to be a healthy balance in every ones lives.

Most importantly I want people to enjoy their lives and the people in it instead of having to worry about having a roof over their heads, food to eat or a safe place to stay.

May your Christmas be Merry, and next year full of love, security and safety.

The Final Inspection - A thought for Rememberance Day

I do not normally post emails sent to me, but this one got to me. Maybe it is because it is so close to Remembrance Day. It might be that my Grandfather was a soldier and my children’s Grandfather was one as well. My Grandfather died when my Father was just a child. My children got to meet their Grandfather only a short time before he passed. Remembrance Day was also his birthday. They miss him and Remembrance Day is very hard for them. I don't believe in war being the answer to anything, but I respect the soldiers who put their lives on the line, and often their lives for us.

A poppy is a small thing to wear to show respect for those who have died, and those who did not. Yet respect has been earned and I for one wear my poppy with pride, mixed in with more than a little sadness.

THE FINAL INSPECTION

The soldier stood and faced God,

Which must always come to pass.

He hoped his shoes were shining,

Just as brightly as his brass.

'Step forward now, you soldier,

How shall I deal with you ?

Have you always turned the other cheek ?

To My Church have you been true?'

The soldier squared his shoulders and said,

'No, Lord, I guess I ain't.

Because those of us who carry guns,

Can't always be a saint.

I've had to work most Sundays,

And at times my talk was tough.

And sometimes I've been violent,

Because the world is awfully rough.

But, I never took a penny,

That wasn't mine to keep...

Though I worked a lot of overtime,

When the bills got just too steep.

And I never passed a cry for help,

Though at times I shook with fear.

And sometimes, God, forgive me,

I've wept unmanly tears.

I know I don't deserve a place,

Among the people here.

They never wanted me around,

Except to calm their fears.

If you've a place for me here, Lord,

It needn't be so grand.

I never expected or had too much,

But if you don't, I'll understand.

There was a silence all around the throne,

Where the saints had often trod.

As the soldier waited quietly,

For the judgment of his God.

'Step forward now, you soldier,

You've borne your burdens well.

Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,

You've done your time in Hell.'

Author Unknown~

Thinking of all the Canadian American and British Soldiers

It's the Military, not the reporter who has given us the freedom of the press. It's the Military, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech. It's the Military, not the politicians that ensures our right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag.

If you care to offer the smallest token of recognition and appreciation for the military, please pass this on and pray for our men and women who have served and are currently serving our country and pray for those who have given the ultimate sacrifice for freedom.

Portion tips to eat happy and lose weight

I have to admit that food portions are one of my weaknesses when it comes to losing weight. I don’t like taking the time to measure out my food as I put it on my plate. It is time consuming and a bit frustrating at times. Especially when I am cooking for four, just because I am trying to lose weight does not mean I want to make a meal for my family and a different meal for me.

Also when I go out to eat everything is two to three times more then what I am supposed to have. Everyone wants to know if you want fries with that, even when you order a salad. Taking my kids out for food now feels like a walk in a mind field of food I can’t eat. Excuses, I know. I do know that I am not alone with this. Many Canadians eat 2 to 4 times what they should in a day, calories and food portions.

I have tried the pre-portioned frozen diet meals. They are so small it’s like a snack at times. I still feel hungry after I eat, not a good thing when trying to lose weight. I quickly realized I could eat more, and better if I made my own meals. Of course that means measuring portions. Have you ever seen a 6 oz steak at the grocery store? Most meats are sold in much larger portions then what I should be eating.

I think my real problem is that once I portion everything out on my plate it looks small. I am already dissatisfied, before I even start. 6 oz of meat, ½ a cup of pasta or rice and maybe a cup of vegetables really does not look like much. I love vegetables but when most of the food on your plate is vegetables they kind of loose their appeal.

I have some solutions that give me more control, and help me lose weight.

When I buy my meat I cut it into about 6 oz portions when I get it home. This way I am not tempted to eat the entire steak. OK, I am tempted but this helps me control what I actually eat. I have been able to get 3 to 4 little 6 oz steaks out of one steak from Locco’s. Mind you they do sell large steaks.

This is a good solution for several reasons. I am saving money. I can buy the bigger family packages of meat, usually at a lower price then single steaks. I can cut them into 6 oz pieces and freeze them. Then I just pull out what I need, already portioned. If you do this please use wax paper. Put them on a cookie tray, freeze them and then put them into a freezer bag. Sometimes I freeze the meat with the marinade, or BBQ sauce. This way it marinades itself as it defrosts. Also with the meat already cut into smaller sizes I can give my kids their own steak. They see me pulling out a steak for each of them, not cutting a steak in half and making them share. Same amount of meat, but it makes them feel special because they are not sharing. I completely understand. It is psychological, if I cook a big steak I want to eat a big steak. I feel ripped off if I have to portion it once I cook it. So I pre-portion in advance.

I make my own hamburgers and meat balls. This lets me control the fat content, what goes into them and portion size. Most premade hamburgers in stores are not 6 oz. I make 6 oz hamburgers and that is what I get. I tend to add vegetables into the hamburger mix, mushrooms, celery, garlic, onions, green peppers, and even zucchini. They are all cut very small. This adds flavor and I can usually make a slightly bigger burger. The trick with 6 oz burgers is to add a lot of healthy toppings, like lettuce, tomato, cucumber, onions and pickles. I know one person who adds sauerkraut and another who like lots of bean sprouts on their burgers.

Again my problem is that 6 oz just does not look like much when on a plate. Then I realized I already love a couple of different meals where 6 oz of meat does not look small. And I feel full and satisfied when I am done a bonus when you are trying to lose weight.

Stir fry – I make up the vegetables and meat. I make sure there is 6 oz of meat for each person. That way I only have to divide the meat evenly to get the right portion. Sometimes I will cook the meat separate from the vegetables. I will make two cups of rice. Each person gets about ½ a cup on the plate. I place the vegetables on the rice. If I cooked the meat separate I will usually place it on top of the vegetables. However, it looks like more when you mix the vegetables and meat together. There is a huge variety of flavors I can get out of this basic meal. It depends on the meat, sauces and even what vegetables I use. I can mix and match and have completely different meals every day. Especially if I change between rice, pasta and potatoes each time.

Wraps – I will make hot and cold wraps.

Hot ones will usually have rice, cooked vegetables and meat cooked in small pieces, or cut up into chunks or slices. This is a great way to make limited portions into a meal. I will put rice on then meat and vegetables, sometimes cheese and then roll it up like fajitas. This is a great way to have a full meal. They are easy to change up by changing the meat, vegetables and spices or sauces I use. I could have very different hot wraps almost every day of the week.

Cold wraps and sandwiches usually have sandwich meat or thin pieces of cooked meat. This is great with ham or chicken leftovers. The trick with this is to use a nice mix of vegetables cut up small. The lettuce I cut into thin strips. They kind of fluff up and give the wrap some volume, much more than if I just put a piece of lettuce on it. Volume is good when you are eating to lose weight. It helps make you feel full and satisfied. I cut the tomato into little squares or chunks. Everything else I tend to cut into strips, sort of how they cut vegetables for sushi rolls. This way it is easier to wrap, but I still have a lot of vegetables. I like putting on red onions, cucumber and lettuce. I could try mushrooms, bean sprouts and other vegetables, but I have to admit I like the wraps I make and don’t really feel like changing them up much. Sometimes I have cheese, sometimes I don’t. I can have a lot of variety depending on the meat, how I cooked it, the sauces and spices I use. Even the sauces I put on the wrap or bread makes a difference. I like using diet salad dressing instead of Mayo, because it adds flavor.

Soups and stews are a great way to also get more of a meal from smaller portions. I am not that fond of soups and stews, so I don’t make them very often. But I love Vietnamese Beef Noodle soup, a good way to get more out of a little meat. Not always a good choice when trying to lose weight, the noodles are not my friend. But I can still enjoy Vietnamese Beef Noodle soup as long as I don’t have it all the time.

Chili on the other hand we make all the time. I have to keep in mind how much meat I put in and then figure out how much I can eat. I do try to put more vegetables like beans and tomato’s into the chili. This gives me a larger portion to eat. Sometimes I will put it over rice, or potato to make the meal more filling.

I figure if there is a will there is a way. I am going to enjoy what I eat, even though I am trying to lose weight. It is about being aware of what I eat, how much I eat, and when I eat. I can cut back on portions and still be satisfied with my meals.

Weight Wake-up call

A few weeks ago I stepped on the scale and it tells me I am 330 lbs. That is my weight wake up call.

I knew I had started to put weight on again, my clothing was tight, and some pants did not fit at all. I just did not realise how bad it was. I have been fighting my weight since I was 12 years old. I know what it is like to lose a few pounds, only to put them back on again with a few extra of course.

When I was 12 my family started telling me I was fat. They put me on strict fad diets, not healthy at all. I did them all, whatever was popular they put me on it. The cabbage soup diet is the one I remember the most. I was always hungry. They also gave me appetite suppressants, and other diet pills. They used to make me jittery and I felt sick a lot. Mind you not once did they talk to a doctor about my weight, or what I should and should not be eating. If they had the doctor would have told them they were out of their minds. It turns out I was not fat at all, I was actually right where I should have been for my age and height.

My family had this odd idea that all ladies should be 108 lbs or less. It did not matter about age, or height. So as soon as I passed 108 lbs I was fat. I spent years developing what I call a yoyo diet eating disorder. My mother used to starve herself all day, popping appetite suppressants and high fibre pills. Then she would eat a small piece of baked fish, no sauce. She would have a small amount of plain white rice and maybe some vegetables. No butter, nothing.

My first step dad used to take great pleasure in getting me to eat adult portions. Once he took me out to an A & W and actually let me eat a huge burger, fries and onion rings. I am sure there was a dessert, I just remember being able to eat until I was full. The food was so good I kept eating any way. I think I knew I was unlikely to eat like that again for a long time. Even when I was not on a restrictive diet my Mom was all into health food, junk food was not an option.

My second step dad loved taunting me with the food his kids got to have. I would have to make his kids lunches and put their treats and snacks in. Things like donuts, cookies, chocolate bars and candy. All things I was told I could not eat. They used to tease me about it. Often my Step dad would bring out desserts and treats and the family would eat them in front of me. Telling me how good it tasted, etc. For Christmas they gave me a tin of candy, which they ate of course. All I heard every day was how fat I was. Yet I actually was not. Eventually I said no more. I was still restricted to the food they gave me, but I knew one day I would be free to eat what I wanted. The problem was that I was set into a pattern of fad diets and poor self esteem.

Needless to say my step dad and his kids were jerks. One of the first things I remember him telling me was that on my 16th birthday I was to have my bags packed and to get out because at that point my Mother was no longer obligated to take care of me. I was 12 at the time. My mother is so proud of herself. The only time she stood up for me was to insist that I got to stay until I graduated high school. So at 17 I moved out, probably the best thing that ever happened to me. Though I do think I started eating all the wrong foods as a type of delayed rebellion. If it was something they would not let me eat, I ate it.

For about 8 years my weight was fine. Then I put on a few pounds and started the diet to lose weight and put it back on and more cycle. I did weight watchers and other programs, all worked as long as I actually followed them. Once I stopped the weight would come back with a few extra pounds. Eventually I hit 220 lbs. For years I sat at 220 lbs, which was good because my weight was high but stable. I had children, but my weight was right back to 220 lbs within weeks of giving birth.

I went on Depo-Provera and packed on the weight in a couple of months. I put on about 100 lbs and have been trying to lose it ever since. It turns out that birth control is a common cause for weight gain, and having a difficult time getting it off. That was 6 years ago. I have lost up to 60 lbs only to put 80 back on. I was sitting at 300 lbs for the last year. Now I am up to 330 lbs. My health is strongly affected by this, so is my ability to play with my kids and my relationship with my husband.

It does not matter anymore why I put on weight. I have to lose it, properly and permanently. I have learned all the skills I need over the years of going to weight loss programs. Now I have to start using them. This is not about being skinny or looking good. I need to lose weight to get healthy. I don’t want my children to grow up fat because of the example I showed them. They are perfect weight right now and I would never do to them what my family did to me. I also don’t want to die because I did not bother to lose weight. This is about my life, and the quality of my life. I am taking control back, because I have to or I could die way before my time.

Yes I have some really big issues with food, and eating. I have to deal with them and get on with my life. I need to make better food choices, get away from my desk and do things. Even taking a small walk everyday is better then what I have been doing.

As a form of motivation, or possibly a type of accountability, I am going to document my process and progress on Lady Talks a Lot. I hope what I am going through will help others get up and start losing weight. Also if I know everyone is going to know how I am doing I might find it a little easier to actually do what I need to.

For the last couple of weeks I have worked on cutting down how much I eat. I am still eating junk food, candy and chocolates. That I am slowly reducing. I am going to add some exercise to my daily routine, maybe even play with my kids.

When I checked the scale today I was 318 lbs. So I am down 12 lbs. Let’s see if I can lose another 2 lbs this week.