Star Wars the Old Republic Guild Turns to Cyber bullying

 

For almost a year a father and his 9 year old son played on the Star Wars the Old Republic with a great guild.  A few weeks before the new Star Wars the Old Republic expansion started the guild turned nasty.  Suddenly what used to be a fun MMORPG became an ordeal of cyber bulling.

It started in sly comments.  It quickly moved up to nasty in game messages, anonymous posting full of swear words, insults and comments like “you are this and this and should quite the game” but not in so nice words.  Insert any combination of swear words, insults with thinly veiled threats and you get the idea. 

The last straw was when an anonymous posting went on the guild page attacking four players, Suddenly what was just annoying and somewhat childish behaviour became a full out attack.  The guild leader let the posting stay up on the guild page.  This showed that she supported the cyber bulling behaviour of one guild member.  Please note that the bully did not have the guts to put their name on their poison pen posting.  As a result all four members decided independently that they did not want to play in a guild where they were expected to put up with someone treating them like crap.

Not one of the players being cyber bullied had done anything to earn the abuse.  Two were new players, who did not have much experience.  They were in the process of learning the game and building up their levels.  One was a father, with a new born, who played when he could but put his family first.  The fourth was in the US military serving overseas.  He is fighting for his country, with all his time scheduled for him.  Not to mention putting his life on the line every day.  Why would any of these people want to deal with abuse every time they logged onto Star Wars the Old Republic?

Now it is one thing to have someone be nasty on Star Wars the Old Republic, you simply block them.  It is something different to be cyber bullied by someone in your own guild.  Especially when the cyber bully hides who they are, it taints the whole guild.  You don’t know who is doing it.  It is like getting nasty letters in your locker at high school, the bully wants to make their life hell but is not “man” enough to put their name on it.

Oh, and Mr. Anonymous was not so anonymous after all.  The person was creating alternative characters not in the guild so they could cyber bully “anonymously”.  But all four people figured out who it was when they compared notes. 

The cyber bully had recently joined the guild.  He was a new “friend” of the guild leader and was given extra special treatment at the expense of the other guild members.  He was given an officers position right away, even though everyone else had to work their way up the guild and prove themselves.  He was going after the guild members he felt threatened by. 

The ex-guild members felt betrayed by their guild leader, that she would allow such abusive behaviour.  None of the attacked players engage the bully.  It was not worth their time.  They play Star Wars the Old Republic to have fun. 

The funny part is that the cyber bully did not even notice they had left the guild.  He stepped up the attacks after they had already left.  He started posting anonymous abusive messages in the guilds message of the day for everyone to see.  He called them names, put them down and kept saying they should be kicked out of the guild.

At first the guild leader was upset that the guild members quite and asked them back.  That changed within a day.  Suddenly she was being abusive to them as well.  Somehow they were in the wrong for taking offence to the extremely abusive attacks.  She expected them to just put up with it.

Just to be safe the Father decided to log onto his 9 year old sons account and pull him out of the guild.  What did he find, in retaliation for the father leaving the guild leader kicked his son out.  The cyber bully sent the 9 year old a very abusive, bulling message along the same lines as what he had posted to the other guild members.  It was full of swear words and was just plain nasty to say to anyone, let alone a 9 year old.

What was the point of cyber bulling a child?  The kid was already kicked out of the guild.  Why send a child you don’t know an abusive message?  Simple, because he could.  He knew his guild leader will support his cyber bullying of long standing and new guild members.  Why would she have an issue with him attacking a child in the same manner?  He was so confident that he did not even bother to do it anonymously!  This just confirmed the suspicions about who was doing it.

Well he was right.  When this was brought to the guild leader’s attention her response was, she was the one who kicked the child out of the guild and what was the problem with the messages.  After all it was all just a joke.  Extreme abusive cyber bullying for two weeks a joke!  Right.  Who is she kidding?  Most people will not accept this treatment any time, so why should anyone accept it on a MMORPG. 

 

With the number of kids killing themselves over cyber bulling she still thinks it’s ok for her new friend to do this to a child who has never done anything to anyone.  I guess she is not the good person people thought she was.  Who wants to be in a guild that you have to put up with abuse to play in?  What gets me the most though is, how could anyone think it is ok for an adult to cyber bully a child!  It is not ok for anyone to cyber bully a child.

Tell Your Teen Girls Rape Happens

 

You don’t have to be a victim to be raped.  It is not true that only bad people are raped.  Being a good person does not keep anyone safe from predators.

A few years ago I wrote an article on Tips on talking to your teen girl about sex.  In the article I pointed out the need to tell young ladies, or teen girls that men and teen boys want to have sex with them.  Some will say and do whatever will get her to agree to have sex with them.  Some will use alcohol and drugs to lower her inhibitions to get her to be more willing to have sex with them.  There are also people who will simply rape them, with or without the use of drugs.  It is reality.  One person commented: “I think we should spend more time teaching our sons not to rape as opposed to teaching our daughters that they are victims.”

You don't have to be a victim or even look like a victim to be raped.  You just have to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, or come to the attention of the wrong person.  Rapists are called predators for a reason.  You don’t have to be a woman or girl to be raped or a man to be a rapist.  Anyone can be raped if the rapist puts the time and effort into it.  It is about power and control after all, not sex.  So telling your daughter that people out there want sex with her and some are willing to take away her choice is not making her a victim.  It is letting her know it is possible.  How can we expect our children to protect themselves to the best of their ability if they are unaware that this can happen, or think it only happens to bad people so it will not happen to them?

Rape is a reality and a real possibility.  We cannot put our heads in the sand and pretend it does not happen, or will not happen.  Telling little boys and teens that is wrong to rape is no different than telling them not to steal.   They need to know this, but that does not mean they will not choose to steal, or rape.  People make bad choices all the time, and some people feel they are entitled to whatever they want, including sex with someone even if that person is not interested. 

We need to make sure our children, male and female, know that rape is real.  There is nothing wrong with doing everything we can to prepare our children to live in the real world.  We need to make sure they know what they can do to try and protect themselves.  We don’t want them to be hurt or die in a car accident, so we tell them to not drink and drive.  So what is wrong with telling them not to take drinks from people they don’t know, don’t get so drunk you pass out or are unable to say no, or too drunk to care who they have sex with.  What is wrong with telling them not to hang out or walk down a dark alley if they don’t have to, walk in well light areas and travel in groups whenever possible.  It is important to avoid problems and learn to protect themselves if a problem does occur.  There are things people can do to deter a rapist, so it makes sense to tell our kids.  Also we need to accept that some rapists are not deterred no matter what someone does; they will find a way to do what they want.   As parents we have the opportunity to give our children the knowledge and tools to have the best out of life, or we can leave them unprepared and vulnerable to people who don’t care that your child deserves the best out of life, not the worst.

We also need to state that the rapist is responsible not the victim.  Being raped does not make someone a bad person, or valueless no matter what some people say.  Also no one deserves to be raped. 

It is almost New Years and I have something to say

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I would love to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

I hope that things are better next year.

I am tired of seeing people go hungry in a world of plenty. And I am not just talking about people being affected by droughts and other natural causes. I am talking about poverty right here, and all over the world. People go hungry every day, most of them children. I hope that this next year people don’t let other people go hungry.

I also want the adults to have jobs and be able to take care of themselves and their children, and for those with jobs, and are still living in poverty, that they get a raise or better paying jobs. I know, more people are looking for work then there are jobs, but maybe that will change this year.

I want children to stop killing themselves or others. Bullying is bad, and kills. I want children to find help, or a place where they are safe and feel safe. I don’t want them to kill themselves to get away from it. I don’t want them to kill others to make it stop. I don’t want bullies taking it to the next level and killing their victims.

I would love to see people being less angry and more caring. I don’t know when people started being angry most of the time, but it would be nice to see people being more accepting, and less angry. If we accept others for who they are, we have no reason to be angry because they are different. At the same time I don’t want people letting themselves be taken advantage of because they are trying to be more caring. I guess it’s a fine line of protecting yourself and being able to care for others. I want there to be a healthy balance in every ones lives.

Most importantly I want people to enjoy their lives and the people in it instead of having to worry about having a roof over their heads, food to eat or a safe place to stay.

May your Christmas be Merry, and next year full of love, security and safety.

Food for thought, Pedophiles that don’t get caught

I received a very disturbing comment today on my blog posting

Lady Talks a Lot: Pedophiles wives are victims. 

Anonymous said...


We are here, we will always be here and the longer and harder you fight....the stronger we become. We are law makers, we are law enforcement, we are the teachers in your schools, the ones who bag your groceries, the ones who service your AC units on hot days, the ones who drop off your mail, we work at Disney Land and none of us look alike. And the cold reality of it....not all Pedophiles are Sex offenders. Most of us never get caught.






Food for thought....



I think that it is true; most of them are not caught. Pedophiles work very hard at fitting in and hiding what they are and what they do. Anyone could be a pedophile. I know that there are several “poor” pedophiles in my area, ones that got caught and are registered as sex offenders. This comment just makes me wonder how many “good” (not caught) pedophiles there are in the same area.

I think that pedophiles pray on the weak and lonely. We need to make our children feel proud, loved and welcome so they can be strong. We need to be there for our children so they are not lonely. Our job is to let our children be children, not victims. We may not be able to find and stop pedophiles but we can try to make it more difficult for them to succeed.

Children need to be heard, believed and trusted. If a child said someone is hurting them or touching them we need listen. The real problem is that the person doing it may not be the person the child say’s is doing it. Many children are scared to tell the truth because they think the person will hurt them or people they love. Sometimes it is the very people who they should be protected by are the ones hurting them. As adults it is our responsibility to listen to the children, even if they are not our kids. Get the police involved, they are often able to get to the truth even when we cannot.

The real crime is that too many people turn a blind eye or deaf ear to those in need.

I don’t have the stomach for some TV shows today

I am finding that I just cannot watch some shows anymore. I love shows like CSI and 48 hrs. However I am finding I just cannot watch the shows that involve children, either as victims or killers. There are enough “bad” things happening to children that I don’t need to see it as part of my entertainment. Yes I still enjoy mysteries and seeing how police solve crimes. I just don’t have the stomach or the heart to deal with children being killed even in a TV show. It hurts me to see children being harmed or killed, even as part of a fictional story line.



My real problem is that I know what is being shown on TV is just a reflection of what is going on in real life. Children are being harmed and even killed by those who should protect them, their family, teachers, friends and neighbours.

My husband kids me that I am a big softy when it comes to kids. I am. What I don’t understand is why everyone else does not react the same way. It has become so common place, children being harmed and killed, that it is no longer shocking in the news or a TV show. It has become just another part of life, or death. I don’t expect things to change, but I will not watch shows that have it as part of the plot line anymore. I don’t stand on some moral high ground, or believe I am a better person for not watching the shows. I just cannot watch them without crying and becoming sick to my stomach. It is simply easier for me to change the channel or turn the TV off.

Risks when labeling children, do they become the label or do we treat them as such?

There are several risks when you label children. One is that they identify themselves with the label and then feel that they have no options but to be that label. That is how everyone sees them or that is the behavior expect of them so that must be who they are.

We all label our kids without thinking about it and may be trapping them in a mode of behavior without realizing it. This is so and so, she is really cute or smart, this is so and so he is a great dancer, this is so and so and he is the difficult one, the one with problems, anti social, etc.

The other problem is that people start treating the children based on their label. The cute one gets away with things, the bad one get in trouble all the time because everyone knows he is the bad apple. Or have higher expectations for the smart one, put more demands on that child then others. Or shy one is seen as being anti social, not shy and never gets past it and becomes anti social as a result. Once a child has been labeled it is almost impossible to remove the label. Once a child has been labeled difficult or slow or a problem that is how people see them even when it is not the case.
My 5 year old has been labeled as being difficult, a problem at school and has been removed from the school around 8 times and suspended 6 times. The problem I am having is that he has finally been identified as special needs and we are waiting for him to be tested to identify his needs, but the school has already put the labels difficult and bad on him and treat him as such, not as a child with special needs. We know that they are not working with him, when he gets upset they just remove him from the room and have us pick him up, often making the problem worse.
He is usually trying to tell people something and gets upset because people are not paying attention or listening to him. Removing him from the situation does not teach him how to act in that situation so he ends up repeating the same “errors”, nor does it give him a different set of behaviors that is seen as acceptable. How do they expect him to learn how to behave when all they do is yank him out and remove him? What lesson is learned? That when I scream and kick out I get to go home and don’t have to go to school the next day ether.

He keeps missing out on school activities and he is not learning the academics he needs to be in grade 1. He is losing out because it is easier for the school to remove him then it is to work with him. There is a 6 month or longer wait on the testing that will identify what his special needs are, so we know he is special needs but not exactly what the needs are so it is not on his school file. Once it has been identified and put on his file it is going to be at least 2 years before he will have an EA (an individual to help him though the school day) if he even gets one, and there is a 18 to 24 month wait on getting a speech therapist through the school system. This means that he will live with the label of being difficult until at least grade 3. That’s a long time, and I am sure he will have learned that is how they see him no matter what he does and will take on that label as his own by then.

I have seen this happen to other children, where they are labeled by one teacher and then treated by other teachers a certain way because what their file said about them. I know of one Mother who actually removed her son from school, sent him to his Grandmothers to go to school in her area. His file that said he was inattentive, lazy, below average with anger issues did not follow him. All the reports from the second school said he was above average, worked well with others and strived to learn and there never any mention of anger issues.

So the next year she brought him back, put him into the same school system he had been in before, and what did his old teacher do, made a point of letting the new teacher know what a problem he was. So again he was labeled as “bad” without doing a thing, and a year of positive feedback was disregarded on one teacher's say so. So even though the label was proven wrong it was how he was treated. So think before you label a child or believe a label someone has given a child. Just because someone says it is so does not make it so, that is just their opinion.

Child Abuse: When to become “Involved”

When do you report child abuse and to whom? It is not our job to determine if child abuse is taking place. It is our job to speak for the children who may not be able to speak for themselves or get anyone to hear them.

What about all the horror stories about families and lives being destroyed by false accusations? If you have concerns for a child’s safety or well being it is not a false accusation. Truth be known, more child abusers slip through the cracks then innocent people are found “harmful” to their children.

AS ADULTS WE NEED TO PROTECT KIDS NOT OTHER ADULTS.

If you think there is some type of abuse going on – proof or no proof – go with your gut on this one, call children’s aid and let them know how you feel and why. It is their job to determine if there is abuse or danger to the child. An abuser is going to hide what they are doing so you may only have hints and small incidences to go on. If something feels wrong it probably is.

If you see abuse – then you call the police and report it so there is a record of the abuse, time and date. The police will bring in Children’s Aid but you may want to call C.A. as well.

If a child is in severe danger – call the police. Bring attention to what is happening. Get as many people as possible to intervene for the safety of the child.

If you saw a baby or a child locked in a hot or freezing car you would do what you had to to rescue the child. Why should it be any different if someone is beating a child or abandoning their children for days on end, or “just” hurting them in ways that don’t leave marks?

We are the adults and it is time we placed innocent children before strangers, friends and even family.

There is nothing worse then looking into the eyes of a child you could have saved but did not. Unless it is knowing a child died because you did not want to get involved.

My home was broken into today

My house was broken into today and I am very stressed out. When I got home from school James was unexpectedly home already. It seems he had left school a few hours early. He was wondering why I had moved his swords onto our bed and where was the one his dad had given him? I did not move the swords onto the bed, nor any of the other stuff he found on it. It seems someone had a key to get into our home. It may have been a master key used by locksmiths because our complex uses locks that are easy to remove and replace, all you need is one key to open every door in the 98 homes of the complex.

The police believe that either James interrupted them and they had time to get out of the front door before he made it through the back. However, they hid items in our living room under the couch instead of taking them. The police believe that they hid things in preparation for when they come back. They will not have to look around, they know where things are and hid the ones they wanted in a place that we would not normally look but would make it easer for them to grab when they came back with a truck.

This is very scary, fist that someone found it so easy to enter our home and that they did such a good job it was by chance we realized that something was wrong, and that someone had been in our home. If James had not asked me why I was moving the swords around we would never have figured it out. The second reason it is scary is because someone was in our home, and they can come back at any time. They have a key or master key to our home and we do not have anyway to keep them out. So now one of us has to be home all the time. That is going to be difficult and yet we cannot afford to not be home. We cannot replace anything right now so our lives have to suffer to prevent our home from being cleaned out.

We have already replaced the locks and are going to be buying alarms and more to try and prevent our home from being robbed. I am very angry right now, and part of me hopes they make the mistake of trying when we are home because then I can hurt them for putting me through this. Believe me when I say that even though I am for the most part a non-violent person right now I would love to be able to punch them in the nose or kick in a much lower area for trying to take what little we do have and making us live in fear.

Is giving up a child for adoption giving or selfish?

When my mother was pregnant she was told to have an abortion by her own family. When I was about to be born they told her to give me up for adoption. What was wrong? She was not married, so the solution was getting rid of the kid. For some people that is the quick and easy way to solve a problem. It is not an easy thing to do for some, at least not for that reason. Giving up a child for that reason is being selfish. Not being married is not why people give their child up for adoption.

Why do most people give their kids up for adoption? They are poor and unable to take proper care of their child and want a better life for them. The parent is too young to have a child of their own and no one to help them. The child is not healthy and the parent cannot cover the medical or the emotional costs, such as a child with Aids or handicapped in some way. Another reason is to protect the child from an unsafe environment, be it because of an abusive partner, or even being an unfit or abusive parent themselves, being on drugs or living an unsafe life such as prostitution. It is less selfish to remove the child and give them up for adoption then to keep them in that situation. If you cannot put food in your kid, or cloths on them, or a roof over them is it selfish to keep them or to give them up so they can have a better life?

There are some incidences were people can see giving a child up for adoption as being selfish. A person is finding it too much or too hard taking care of a child, or they just do not like having kids. Is it wrong for some one to recognize that they are not ready to be a parent, that they do not want children at this point of their lives? Is it selfish to have the child and give it up for adoption? Should they keep the child and feel resentful and angry about having a kid. To be honest I would much rather see the child going to live with some one who wants a child then to be stuck with some one who is just no capable or willing to take care of them. I have always had the opinion that if you do not want your kid it is better to give them up then to hurt or kill them. There have been too many cases of people killing their children so they could have a different life.

Abandonment is not ok. It is selfish to leave your kid alone on the street, or home with out any one to care for them, if you don’t want to take care of your kid any more do the decent thing and do it legal. Take the kid to children’s aid or who ever in your area helps kids. Give up your kids the right way. Don’t put them through abandonment but work with in the system to give your kids a better life.

The problem that happens is that people are giving up their kids after the cute baby stage. Damage has already been done if they cannot connect to the child. It is harder to find people to adopt non-babies. Every one seems to want the newborns, not the almost a teen. These kids end up in the foster system and even if they get adopted they end up with a lot of emotional baggage. It is better for the child to be given up for adoption at birth, but we all know life is not always easy.

It is selfish to keep getting pregnant and adopting the kids out because you don’t want to take responsibility. Go on birth control. Other people get pregnant just to sell their baby in the adoption market, to be taken care of when they are pregnant. They have the kid and go get pregnant again and again. I don’t understand how some one could do that, but some do.

So is giving up a child for adoption giving or selfish? Only the person giving up the child knows what their motives are. My opinion is that for the most part it is giving. If the adoption is ultimately best for the kids then it is giving and it does not matter if the parents reason was selfish or not.

Single parent and dating

How do single parents deal with dating and the potential heart break for their children? How hard is it to let someone into your life, and your children’s lives knowing that there is no guaranty they will be there in a year or even next week. I am seeing my friends having to make the decision to date or not. When children involved there is more risk of failed relationships and heartache all around. You also have to think about whom you are letting into your home and life.

When do you bring the person you are dating into your children’s lives? Is it better to develop a relationship with out involving your children or develop one with your children? There are pros and cons for both of these. If you develop a relationship with out involving your kids suddenly you are involved with someone your kids don’t know. What if the person you are involved with does not like your kids. You are in love but they don’t want your kids or your kids hate them. Or on the other hand you develop a relationship involving your kids, your kids form attachments and suddenly things are not going so will in the relationship. How does that affect your kids? Is it worth the risk of hurting your children?

One friend has decided that she cannot take the chance of her children developing a relationship with a father figure only to loose him like they did their father. She would like to date but knows that with three boys, one about to be a teenager, the chance of being able to form a lasting relationship is slim right now. The boys are going to either resent any male she brings into the relationship or try to bond with him to fill the void their Father has left. The potential conflict and pain is just not worth it right now.

Another is currently dealing with the break up of her year and a half relationship, watching her children go through the same pain they did when her and their dad went there separate ways. At lest with their Dad there is the chance of seeing him as he does have visitations if he wants. The problem is that they have seen more of the boyfriend then the Dad in the last two years and have bonded with him. They are having to go through all that pain and feeling of rejection again. And the boyfriend is not going to be coming over for visitations. They keep asking about him, “When is he coming back?” “Why does he not love them anymore?”

One friend gets his son on weekends, and he is stuck between his girlfriend and his son. The girlfriend is somewhat resentful that weekends always involve a third party, that all their plans revolve around the demands of his son’s mother. When they have to pick him up, drop him off. Suddenly they have to take him, or they don’t get him and their plans change. It is a big stressor on the relationship dealing with the disruptions and not being able to be spontaneous. The father is worried about what would happen if they have children. How will that impact his son, and how will his girlfriend treat his son once she has her own kids. It is a huge balancing act.

Then there is the question of whom are you actually letting into your home and giving access to your children. You take a chance every time you involve someone new into your child or children’s lives. Are they really going to have your child’s best interest at hart? There are people who prey on children, are you and your child a target? When you are a parent you have to protect your children, who else will? It can be incredibly difficult when you have children and want to date. You cannot always go off and do what you want or be with whom you want. A person is not just dating you, but your whole family package.

Does this mean that there is no hope, just find a cave and crawl into it until your kids are old enough to live on there own? No. It just means that when you have kids it changes dating and relationships. It changes how you go about developing a relationship and how you deal with break ups. It is not all about you and your feelings anymore; you have to think about your children as well. I don’t know how people do it. I think I would be one to stop dating until my kids moved out. It is hard enough to raise kids or develop a lasting relationship let alone trying to do both at the same time.

Pedophiles wives are victims

It was pointed out to me that in my blog Aftereffects, pedophile goes to jail now what I was not as clear as I could be that I feel his wife was and is a victim as well. I don’t think she was anything but a victim in this. That does not mean she does not feel guilt. Guilt because she thinks she should have known, how could she live with someone like that and not know? I don’t ever want to deal with questions like that. One day your life is normal and the next you are the wife of a monster. You loose your identity and instead become the wife of a pedophile, a rapist or a killer. And people ask, “How could you not know?” and it is hard to answer because the same question is running through your head.

The wife or girlfriend of a pedophile feels guilty because she believes she should have seen through to the real person and known what he was doing and somehow stopped it. That somehow she let it happen. The truth is that unless she knew what was going on there was nothing she could have done to make things different. An uncaught pedophile is good at deceiving people otherwise they would have been caught by now. This is what they do. They need to blend in and be well liked and trusted. Pedophiles hide what they do from everyone. It makes sense that they would hide this part of their lives from their loved ones.

Once the pedophile has been found out the wife will often pay the price socially for his crimes. Suddenly people who were friends pull away. It may be that they don’t want to be associated with the pedophile in any way, not even as a friend of the wife. For others it is simply that they have a hard time separating the wife from the husband even though she is innocent. She is the one that is available to put the blame on or become angry at because he is safe in jail. What ever a persons reason it still means loss of friends and social standing for the wife.



For some wives and girlfriends the backlash is so bad that they move and change their names. They cannot live a normal life being connected or associated with a monster. People turn their anger on the person that is available, and often don’t believe that the wife or girlfriend did not know. It is hard to understand that the wife is probably more shocked then anyone else, because they really did not have a clue that this was going on.

What counts is what the wife or girlfriend does once they know. Some support their man because they cannot believe that the man they love is capable of doing something that horrible, it must be a mistake. Often this changes once there is undeniable proof, once they know for sure they accept that this really happened and leave him. Others condemn the man as fast or faster then anyone else. They leave the guy and will often try to help convict him. These ladies were victims. Unfortunately there are some who will hid it or make excuses for their men, like that Grandmother on Dr. Phil last year who hid the fact that her husband was molesting their granddaughter, and as far as I am concerned that makes them an accessory not a victim. So what a person does once they know determines if they are a victim or an accessory, prior to knowing they are just another victim being used by evil.

After effects, pedophile goes to jail now what

A few years ago a monster was reveled to be among people I knew and hung out with for years. Bruce was sexually molesting the children of those who knew and trusted him. This had been going on for years. Eventually one of the kids became old enough and strong enough to let people know what was going on. Then the true horror came out as family after family realized they had let this monster have access to their children. And the questions started, did he do anything to my child or children. Unfortunately the answer was yes. (Not my kids because we did not let them baby-sit or be alone with them)

So people did the right thing (or not) they let him live and put him in jail. That was not the end of it. There are countless children, some are teenagers now, dealing with what was done with them, who statistically will either become victims or abusers if they cannot get the help they need. The parents are still dealing with the guilt that they let this happen. The guilt destroyed relationships, families and marriages. The guilt and anger ate away at them.

A large group of people literally fell apart. Years of friendship and experiences all became tainted by one man. The local SCA group (the hobby group they all belonged to) became associated in the minds of many with this man and what he did to the children of his friends. People stopped being a part of the SCA because now the people in it and the events they went to reminded them of Bruce. Even people who did not have children molested by him pulled away. Everyone was thinking, how come I did not see this, what could I have done, how did I let those children down?

His family had to deal with the guilt and shame. Though his sister and her husband publicly supported him and still feel he should be let back into the SCA. Not going to happen, they know what he is now. However this has caused a lot of conflict and destroyed quite a few friendships. The fact that they are both still part of the SCA group is part of the reason why so many have left it.

Then there is Bruce’s wife. She said she knew nothing about this side of him and divorced him as soon possible. She feels guilt for not seeing through him, and the fact that he was using her to get to more kids. They were babysitting a lot. She lost a lot of friends even though people said they knew she had nothing to do with it. She was still his wife. People could not be around her and not think of him. She has tried to move on and is in a new relationship but is still being affected by what he did. It did not help that Bruce and his lawyer tried to say that she was supporting him to try and get a lighter sentence. People who heard the lawyer say it in court are having a hard time getting past that even though she said it was a lie. No mater what she does now she has been tainted by the brush of Bruce and even years later feels as if she has to defend herself, that she did not know what he was doing and did not support him.

People are still dealing with what Bruce did years later. He gets out of jail next year and I am sure people will still be dealing with the aftereffects for years to come. It says something when the aftereffects outlast his jail time. I don’t think he was sentenced for enough time. Though I am not sure if there is going to be enough time for the children and their families. The question now is; where is he going to get his next victim? Someone who did this for years is not someone who is going to change or stop. He is just going to find another source of children and the cycle starts again.

Would you have sex with someone for a million dollars?

The real question is would you have sex for money. The dollar amount is not what is important, that just determines your price. Before you get offended think about it, everyone has a price. If your child was sick, or dieing what wouldn’t you do to help them? If the only way to get the medication or pay the doctor bills was to sleep with someone would you do it? What if it was the only way you had to get food into your home, and into your kid’s belly? What if one night with someone would clear up your bills and debts and let you work on giving your children a better life? It all comes down to your circumstances.

What is worse letting your child go hungry or having sex with someone for money? There are people today who would have never ever thought about selling their bodies for sex who are in a situation where it an option or a solution. I find it hard to judge those people who trade sex for money instead of steeling or letting their kids go hungry or homeless. In some parts of the world, like the Untied States, it is a legal taxable job and in others it is an incredibly risky situating to be in. In Iraqi a 14 year old was killed for having sex for food. I have not been in that type of position but I have enough empathy to understand and feel for these people who are.

I started thinking about this last week when two older ladies propositioned my husband. It was implied to him that they would pay money to have sex with them. He told them he was married and walked away. He came home and told me about it and said he had been tempted for all of two seconds. When the ladies asked him two thoughts did go through his brain, one the ladies were good looking and two it would depend on how much money they offered him. He was surprised at himself for even thinking about it for a second.

He realized then how much our financial situation is putting a strain on him and us. So we started talking about what we would and would not do for money and what type of circumstances would change that. I have a real problem with the idea of me taking money for sex, or steeling, or killing someone for money. That is just not who I am. And yet I know that very good people have been put into situations where they do. Take a look at what happens in almost all war torn areas in the world. Today there are thousands of women in Iraq selling themselves for sex to survive. People do things they never would have thought about just to survive, and protect their families. The question then is not what would you do but what would you not do.

Think about where you draw the line now and what would make you change that. Most of us don’t know what we would do until we are in that situation.

There is latex in what?

A friend of mine has an allergy to latex. Because of this I have found out that latex is in a lot of things most of us don’t even think about. Rubber bands for one, some clothing and now it can be found in food. One website on latex allergies I found said that “Latex is used in making condoms, diapers, rubber bands, rubber toys, sanitary pads, adhesive tape, balloons, urinary catheters, and exam gloves. Individuals that are allergic to latex can also be allergic to banana, avocado, kiwi fruit, chestnut, and tomato.”

There has been some research done regarding the transfer of latex from a glove to cheese and then from the cheese to other foods. Latex protein studies have shown that using latex gloves to handle the cheese leaves this latex protein on it. It seems that cheese is often coated with latex to keep it from molding. So if latex from a glove can be transferred to cheese then how much latex is in the cheese if it has been coated with it? Some latex gloves have cornstarch in them, it seems the latex protein attaches to the cornstarch and can become airborne causing the air in that work area, often hospitals, to have latex particles floating around waiting for someone to breath them in.

My friend is unable to eat pizza now because every time she orders in she has an allergic reaction from the cheese. Now it may just be that the food handlers are using latex gloves or the cheese was coated in latex to keep it from molding. It does not matter how the latex gets on the cheese, she still has a reaction that could kill her. Yet one more thing for me to keep in mind for when she comes over, latex protein is transferable. This means I could be handling balloons and then transfer the latex protein to her or food. Kind of scary when you think about it.

What online games are safe to let our kids play?

I was reading a blog “Am I a bad dad for letting my kid use the headset in Xbox Live?” about a dad talking about the things being said to an 11 year old on Xbox. I thought it brought up a good point, what are adults and teenagers saying to our kids and each other. The name calling alone was enough to say I cannot let my children, who are much younger then 11, play Xbox Live, even with the speaker on let alone with the headset on. As he pointed out his son has told him about the names, but what has he not told him about.

I have seen some adults “play” and they can get quite verbally abusive. Everything from name calling to death threats can be heard when adult’s play, and that is with out the anonymity of being online. I don’t know what people are willing to say when no one can identify them, where there is little or no risk for being aggressive and no reason to be “nice”. At what point does the environment become so negative or toxic that our children should not be exposed? I know that when I play poker some of the people online are quit offensive, but I have the option to block their chat or report them. If they are breaking the rules, i.e. using abusive language they can be kicked off the system or their chat rights removed depending on how bad they were. I don’t think this option is available on Xbox Live, all you can do is limit chat to who is on your friends list and I think that takes away from the game if you are trying to be part of a team but cannot talk to them.

I know that there are quite a few sites now for kids to chat and play games. Who are the other people on the other computers? What are they willing to say to kids? I can only control what my kids say and do, not what they hear and read. This is why I don’t think online live games are going to be a part of my kids lives for sometime, or mine unless I have some control over what I hear and read. My kids and I don’t need to be abused to have fun, thank you. I want to be able to cut someone off if they are being abusive, I don’t need to hear it, nor do my kids.

I think the real problem is that there is not a moderator on Xbox Live, nor is there any way to have a moderator unless they start using verbal recognition programs and tap into every single game. The only way to control what is being said is for the people to control themselves, and that is not going to happen. Options, stop playing the game when a person becomes abusive, play through it, or don’t play at all. So you may want to think twice about what you are getting your kids this Christmas. What doorways are these online games going to open and what control do you have over them?

Dealing with children’s disrupted routines

Most kids need routines; it gives them a feeling of control and security. They know what to expect and what is expected of them. Real problems can come when a routine is disrupted. A child can feel insecure, threatened or scared and will often act out when their routine is interrupted. Life happens and we the parents or caregivers cannot always meet our children’s needs for consistency and routine, all we can do is deal with the disruption or permanent changes and any reactions our kids have.

From personal experience I know that even a small change like bedtime being ½ hr later can have an impact on my children. For small routine changes it is best to try and keep as much of the routine the same. So bedtime may be a ½ hr later but we still do the same things in the same order. The time may have changed but nothing else has. This reassures kids that they still have some control and know what to expect. It is not always possible to keep a routine, even if it is just a matter of time.
When we are running late it is not always possible to follow the morning’s routine, sometimes compromises have to be made. It may be a matter of having breakfast on the way instead of sitting at the table, or not getting the time a kid needs to ease into transitions. All of this can through a kids day off and their behaviors. Their expectations have not been met and they are reacting to that. Also when we are late or rushing there is the added stress to everything. This is usually when our kids act out or break down, just when we need them not to. But then what can we expect, we are changing their routine and expect them to rush around with no transition time or anything, and we are probably stressed and they can hear it in our voices, of course they are going to be resistant to what we want. Not that being aware of why they are acting out makes it any easer as you try to get everyone out of the house and make it to your appointment or work on time.

Then there are things that just happen that we don’t have control of but can still disrupt our routines; the car breaking down, the power goes out, unexpected guest show up, or someone does not show up or is late. This is life. The best thing to do is to try and get back onto your kids schedule or routine as fast as possible. If one day you are unable to follow the usually routine the very next day you start right back on it, even if your kids resist. The sooner you can get your kids back into the routine the easer it is on everyone.

Change in a routine is the hard one, even when it is a good change. A parent or caregiver starts a job, or changes the time the go to work, or starts school can be very difficult for kids to adjust to. This is a permanent change that they will have to learn to live with. Eventually it will become part of their routine but we the parents and caregivers have to give the kids the time to adjust. We cannot expect them to accept a change right away, it can take weeks even months for some kids to adjust.

School starting in the next two weeks is going to be the big change in routines for most of us. It is going to take a few weeks for both kids and parents to get used to this. It can be a stressful time for everyone. The best thing to do is try and keep the new routine as close to the old routine as possible, and be there for your kids even if they don’t act out or express anxiety. They may be feeling it but are not showing it. Consistency is going to be the key to getting everyone to adjust to the new routine sooner then later and with as little stress as possible. Give yourself and your kids a lot of time in the morning to get used to getting ready for school. Do as much work, like making lunch and picking out clothing, the night before. Anything you can do to reduce the stress of change will help. You may want to start working on the new routine now so that it is not so new on the first day of school. Do some practice runs now to make sure your timing is right so there is not a lot of stress to get everyone moving and where they need to be the first week of school. This will give everyone some time to adjust their routine before hand so things go more smoothly the fist day of school.

Giving yourself and your children time to adjust to any change in routine is the key. There is usually resistance to change, which may cause your child to act out or just feel insecure for a bit. Every person, adult or child, deals with change differently. The only cure for this is for the change to become part of the routine, and only time and consistency can do that.

Getting ready for that first day of school

This is harder then expected. I thought that it would be easy to just pack my kid of to kindergarten for half a day. It is not like he has not been going to daycare for years. What is different about sending him to school? Why is it emotionally difficult?

First there is getting him ready for the transition of no longer going to pre-school with his friends all day but going to kindergarten for half the day and spending half the day at home. He is having a hard time understanding that he is not going to be going back to pre-school. He does not handle change very well, he comes by it honestly, I don’t like changing either. He needs routines and I am not very good with them. It is going to be a challenge for both of us to adjust. The next few weeks will be all about getting all of us ready for him to go to real school.

It is important that he has time to adjust to the change before it happens. We walk by his new school everyday and I let him know that he will be going to that school in a few weeks. Next week the daycare will be getting him used to the idea that he will not be coming back to them, but going to real school. Everyone is working toward making this as easy on him as possible.

However I was not expecting me to have problems with it. It is a big step for him, a sign that he is growing up. I am happy for him but at the same time uncomfortable with there being less control over what happens in his day. I worry about him fitting in, though he does ok at daycare and I think some of the kids will be in the same school as him. I worry about bullies and strange people coming into the school. I want to be able to protect him still from all of that and still give him his freedom to become himself.

How does one balance the need to protect and the need to let go? This is just one small step for us, but it is also a big first step to letting him grow up and be part of the real world. My husband wanted us to home school but I want him to learn how to deal with how things really are right away, personality conflicts and all. And yet I am the one who is starting to get anxious about him being in a less controlled environment, being vulnerable.

I also have to deal with our three year old being upset because he is going to a different school then her, and that she cannot go with him. I think that it is going to be a hard month for all of us as we adjust our schedules and get used to him going to school. In one way I think it is going to be harder for me having him home more, mainly because I work from home and already have a hard time getting my work done, now I will have even less time. On the other hand I think it will be very good for us to have some quality time together without his little sister. He needs the one on one time and she always has to be doing what he is doing or is trying to get me to do something else with her.

I think he is going to have an easer time adjusting then I am, but it is going to be a hard few weeks until things become routine again.

What makes a good parent?

I am always hearing about good parent vs. bad parent but what does that actually mean. Does that mean you are a good or bad person? I think that people who are not so good can still be good parents and good people can also be bad parents. It all comes down to parenting skills and if they care about their kids or not. There are horrible people out there who are great parents, their children love them and feel safe, but I would never want to work with them or for them. There are other people who seem to be great in public but years latter we find out that these upstanding members of society were torturing their children. I think that most people try to do the best they can for their children. I struggle everyday to overcome my childhood, and learn better parenting then what I was shown as a child.

I have learned that to be a good parent you:

1) Have to care about yourself and your children. If you don’t care about yourself or your children it is very difficult to be a good parent with positive influences.

2) Listen to your children, hear what they want and need not what you think they should have. Your children are individuals and should be treated as such, not an extension of yourself.

3) Play with your children so that you have some positive experiences with your children to build on. This gives you time to enjoy your children, not being a parent, boss or supervisor but a play partner. Have fun with your kids well you can, they grow up quick.

4) Keep your temper no matter what, even if it means you have to take a time out or leave the room. Giving your child a time out is a way to let yourself cool down. Let someone else deal with an issue if possible when it becomes too much. This is a lot easer to say then do. Kids tend to not listen, jump, run and break things all the time. Also they are trying to become independent people who can think and do things for themselves, even when you are helping them they still want to do it their own way. Big rule here, no hitting.

5) Take care of the basic necessities like clothing, food, shelter, love first and if possible give the extras after everything else is taken care of. Showing that you love your child by spending money on something they want is great, but not if you don’t have enough money for food because you spent it on a treat. Not giving a child what they want does not mean you don’t love them or are not a good parent.

6) Follow through. If you tell your children you are going to do something or give them something then you need to follow through other wise your word means nothing. This is for both positive and negative. If you say you are going to take away their TV for a week then you need to do that. Same as if you tell them they can help with dinner, or pick dinner then you need to do that as well, even if you have had a busy day.

7) Show your children that you love them. Telling them “I love you” does not mean much if your actions show otherwise. Give them hugs, put their artwork on the wall or fridge, tell them how great they are, and spend time with them. Let them know you like being with them and having them as your children. Actions speak louder then words every time.

8) Remember that you chouse to be with your kids, not that you have to spend time with them. It is a difference of perception, if you chouse to do something you are more likely to enjoy doing it then if you think you have to do something.

9) You don’t always have to like your kids, just love them even when you are not happy with them.

10) If you do something wrong admit it, say sorry and work on not doing it again.

I am sure my list will grow as I grow as a parent. The problem I have is remembering this stuff as my kids run around the house screaming, fighting and not listening. It is a hard stressful job being a parent. If it was not my own kids you could not pay enough to do this job. Most of us would not pass the requirements if you had to pass a parenting test before we became parents, but somehow we do get through it and so do our kids.

School safety, who can pick up your child?

Who can pick up your child from school? Do you know what the pick up procedure is at your school? How well are those policies followed? I was watching a Dr. Phil episode about children being picked up or kidnapped from their school. In both cases the policies that are in place to protect the kids were not followed. As a parent I need to know what the procedures are and how well are they followed. How do you test your school?

What can we do to keep our kids safe? One thing to do is let our kids know what to do if someone tries to pick them up from school. One solution is to tell the child to refuse to go unless the person knows your safe word. A word only you and your child know. Your child should also know that just because a teacher says this person is here to pick you up does not mean it is ok to go. They can say NO to the teacher and not go with that person until the person gives them the word or they have talked with you over the phone.

It is funny but both kids had been told by their parents not to go with strangers, but they went anyway because the teacher told them that this man was here to pick them up. At no point was the identity of the man taking the child established. This was a definite breach of policy. So you can have the best policies in place but they are only as good as the person enforcing them.

It is not good enough to have great policies you have to enforce them as well. There are real consequences here. If someone is kidnapping a child from school chances are they don't have the best interest of the child in mind. As a parent we need to make sure the policies are being enforced, even if it is inconvenient for parents and the teachers. It is a lot more inconvenient to have to search for your child then it is to show some id when picking them up.

At our kids pre-school no one is aloud to pick up our kids unless they are on the list of people we have authorized to pick them up. On top of that they have to have verbal confirmation from us prior to pick up, otherwise the person cannot take them from the school. So we have to pre-arrange for anyone other then us to pick up our kids. Then the person has to show id proving that they are the person that they claim to be. There is only one door that people are aloud to go in or out and it is manned at all times. You have to be buzzed in. They have a great system, one of the better ones in our area. However, this fall our son is going to real school and we have to establish the schools pick up policies. I expect that they are not as secure as the preschool. Now we have to teach our son what to do if someone other then us tries to take him from school. I hope he does a lot better then the two kids that were taken from school by strangers.

Spam is one thing but sending me child porn is criminal

Today in my business email was a “wonderful” email of child porn. It was marked as Spam but as I could preview it before opening it I saw what it was about and had to stop from deleting it. It was talking about hardcore sex with little girls and boys and had seven links to video clips of said child sex. What the F*** is this.

Quick call to the police and it has now been reported. There will be a police offices calling me and then making arraignments to come over and take the information from my computer. I don’t care if it is going to take time out of my day this gets reported. First I am so against child porn I cannot let this slid. Second they sent it to me out of the blue, no idea of who I am or even how old I am. This was on my home computer; my kids could have seen this. Third if I was working for a company then I could be fired for this, child porn on my computer. Hard to explain that one, and trust me the larger companies do have email monitoring programs that would have caught this one. It had all the key words that would flag any system. This is malicious and evil.

The problem is that when most people receive an email like this it just gets deleted. Not many people actually report it or even know how to report it. Also people worry about what people are going to think about them receiving a child porn email, that others will think they signed up to receive it or will question how a company dealing in child porn got their email in the first place. It is Spam. The company trolled for emails or purchased an email list and then sent it to everyone, not caring who received it.

Every email like this needs to be reported to the police, so call the non-emergency number and report it. You never know when one email can open a big can of worms and break a case open or lead to a child porn ring. As hard as it is to keep it on your computer, please keep emails like this long enough to let the police take whatever information they can. With the smart computer techs they have these days they should be able to trace this back to whomever sent it. With the current laws it may even give them the info to stop this person and possibly lead to this persons arrest.

Some of the world governments are taking this seriously and are co-operating to bring child porn to an end. It does not matter what country you are in report emails promoting child porn to the authorities. The next time you hear of a large child porn ring being discovered and the people arrested you may have provided the information that helped get them. Don’t let them get away with this, be part of the solution and report the email.