Big problem with a husband making passes at other family members, so what to do.

Someone recently came to me with a problem and wanted my advice on how to deal with it. To me it seems a simple and clear cut answer. But it is not my family or my problem so it is easy to see why things are happening, and what to do about it. It is much harder when you are caught up in the middle of a potentially explosive family situation that could pull a family apart, and actually is.

The question presented to me was:

I'm the oldest of 3 daughters. I recently told my sister that her husband had been making passes at me for months. It's not the first time he's done something inappropriate. He tried molesting my youngest sister when she was 14 years old. This man at the time was 28-29 yrs old. I broke the news to her a couple years later but she forgave him right away and we had to pretend that nothing happened. My parents didn't want to rock the boat and all I could do is forget about it. Now he is 40 and made passes at me on several occasions. I'm 34. I was waiting to tell my sister when the time was right. She and he were talking about divorce for other reasons a couple months ago and I thought I wouldn't have to say anything since she was going to leave him this time. So I thought. She forgave him again, and I thought that it's now or never. So I told her about the comments he had made and how uncomfortable he made me feel. I expressed my concerns for my own daughter when she turns into a teen. My husband, mother and little sister all knew about this during the whole entire thing. My little sister would tell me that now I knew what she felt for so long while he and my sister lived with her, mom and dad. We are not talking anymore. My mother and little sister won't come out and support me in my points to my other sister. I don't know how to deal with this. They want to continue to pretend it hasn't happened. Any suggestions?



For me the response was clear and easy:

You are doing what you need to do, taking a stand even though it is causing problems in your family relationships. At least now it is in the open and you are not struggling with a lie, or pretending there was not a problem. Denying that there was a problem and living a in a “lie to protect someone else” is incredibly unhealthy for you.

Also a lot of people incorrectly feel guilt, even when they are the victim. Often they take on the responsibility or down play the importance of what was done or said. The number of rapes not reported every day is proof of that. They don’t want other people to know. So your little sister and mother want to keep the family secret in the closet and resent that you don’t and will not support you. They don’t want other people to know. Also if your sister and her husband break up they will feel it is their fault, not the husbands. Odd I know, but again it is why so many people get away with things like this.



If your sister forgave him the first time, she will keep forgiving him. It is either the “us against them”, “I can change him”, or “he will change for me” mentality. Either way she is going to keep on forgiving him almost anything and everything. Don’t expect her to change. I expect he will eventually get caught, and she will forgive him and nothing will change. She may even feel that it is somehow her fault; she was not enough women for him so he looked elsewhere. She will actually try harder to please him so it will not be her responsibility the marriage fell apart. If she cannot keep the marriage together she has somehow failed. Again, odd, but how some people respond to things like this.

Instead keep yourself and your daughter safe and away from him. Don’t expect your family to change, they want to keep their heads buried in the sand and pretend bad things don’t happen. It is more important that you do what is right for you and your daughter.




The real problem I have is that yet again a family is being ripped apart or damaged the actions of one person. That person is not even facing the brunt of the effects he is having. People are actually supporting him and punishing the only family member strong enough to say “enough is enough, this is not acceptable.” People wonder why things like this happen. Why someone gets away with things. This is why, the person willing to talk and take a stand is the one who loses.

Why don’t more people come out and tell someone that they are being abused, hurt or propositioned. They don’t want to be treated like this lady is being treated by her own family. If family is going to treat a person like this for telling the truth, how are other people going to treat them?

Having a Gift and Craft Show this Weekend, but will anyone show up to buy?

I have been looking at the store flyers that showed up in my mail box today. There are some really good deals that I wish I could take advantage of. Some of the stores are already giving 70 to 80% off this weekend. Not so unusual in the US but unheard of in Canada. Here the big sales are usually saved for Boxing Day, the day after Christmas. The sad part is it does not matter how great the deals are, I just don’t have the money. This has been the tightest Christmas in years, and I am not sure what I can do about it.

We are hosting the All I want for Christmas gift and craft show to benefit McMaster Children Hospital this weekend. Even though it is in a good location, Knights of Columbus Hall in Hamilton at 222 Queenston Rd, we are worried that no one will come to buy things. Why, because no one has the money to spend. We know that the vendors are great, we have a wonderful location and have done as much marketing as we can with our small budget. There are door prizes and a silent auction all to raise money for McMaster Children Hospital.

Admittedly we could have gone with a larger hall, and used all the vendors’ fees for advertizing once the hall fees were covered. Instead we chose to go with the smaller hall and limit the number of vendors we had. Why, just in case very few people show up. As it is we have twenty vendors and had to turn down just as many. We could have filled a huge hall. Vendors are desperate to get into as many shows as they can this year, even little ones that just started out this year.

I am hoping that things work out. We have lots of people show up, our vendors do well and we are able to raise lots of money for McMaster Children Hospital. My fear is that even if lots of people show up, they just don’t have the money to buy things.

Christmas Comes Early to My Home

In the last few weeks it is like Christmas has taken over my home. It is an unusual occurrence for me; at least this early in the year. Yes I like Christmas but usually we wait until Dec. 1 before starting to decorate our living room. My husband loves Christmas. He watches Christmas movies all year round. If it was up to him we would have the house decorated for Christmas Nov. 1.

This year it seems to be even more important to him to start Christmas decorating right away. We already have all our lights up, a small Christmas tree, with our Christmas gifts under it already. There is a larger tree ordered and a small Santa train. Our kids already have little trees up in their rooms. My husband is even talking about buying more lights and decorating the kitchen and the upstairs hall way. Last year we had lights in the kid’s rooms. I am expecting that to be the next thing.

Not that I mind that much. For me it is more that our kids are very young and with us having Christmas decorations up and gifts out for a month is a long time for them. They are going to want to open their gifts sooner than later. Every year in the past we would put gifts under the tree days before Christmas, not weeks and weeks before. I don’t know how well the kids are going to handle having to look at their gifts for a month before they can open them. I think we may have to put them away for a few weeks.

Things have been very difficult this year. I understand why Christmas is so important to my husband this year. He wants something good to happen, and he wants Christmas to be it. I hope Christmas meets his and our kid’s expectations this year.

Fun trying to find a Halloween Costume that Fits and Looks good

As a family we went Halloween Costume shopping. It was a lot of fun for the kids, but very frustrating for Mom and Dad. The kids we had no problem finding many costumes that they liked and fit them. If anything we found too many. We ended up buying two at the beginning of October and then three more on the weekend. Still no costume for Mom and Dad though.

For me, Mom, nothing fits. I am a plus size and trust me even the plus size costumes in the stores don’t fit. They usually only go to 22” or 1X. I did not find a single 3X costume for women. There were some nice costumes. Many of them I wish they had come in my size. Most of the costumes ran from about $30 to $60.

My husband had a similar problem. He is tall, 6’ 1”, with broad shoulders. Most of the costumes for men only were for men up to 5’ 10” and were too narrow in the body for him. Many men were complaining about the same issue, that none of the in store costumes fit. Also the selection was limited. Very few costumes for men in comparison to the verity for ladies and children. He could be a vampire, again. Or he could wear a robe and a mask. The costumes for men seem to run into very generic styles. It was psycho Dr. from hell, ghoul, vampire, monk, or the oversized ones with the airbags. Not quite the same quality or quantity of costumes available for the rest of the family.

Many men were actually quite upset with the selections at every store we visited. We hit several large department stores and some smaller outlets. We even went to second hand stores in hopes of finding something. The story was the same everywhere. The solution was to start looking online. We had concerns about the costs of the costumes. I found that the cost was between $30 and $60 for many of the costumes, which is about the same as in store. The real difference was in shipping. Some of the online stores are offing free shipping and discounts to offset the difference caused by shipping. Other sites are charging unrealistic fees for shipping. If you are looking into a costume online take your time to find the stores that are offering the deals.
We did find a selection of costumes that we would like to get. At this point we are going to hold off and try for next year. We will plan ahead and order costumes in advance. That way we don’t have to worry about budgeting for four costumes and shipping all at once. Several of the costumes I liked were way more than $60, more like between $100 and $200.

My husband liked some costumes but found a lot of them in the lower price range to be very cheesy no matter where we looked, in store or online. I think it is just a matter of not having that large of a selection in low cost men’s costumes. There were many awesome larger men’s costumes in the higher price ranges. We may have to invest into the higher quality costumes and plan to use them over and over again. In other words we better like the costumes a lot because that is what we are going to have for the next few years.

Cleaning Crew Cleans Out Valuables

A Father dies and the vultures move in and not all of them are family. My Father in law went to one of his sons homes and died in his sleep. When my Father in law died someone went into his home and stole all his military medals, right off of his dress uniform.

The only people with keys was a brother who was out of town and only just made it back in time for the funeral, the son who’s home he died in and the cleaning crew. The only people who had the opportunity to take the metals were the cleaning crew. They found out about the death and took what they could find that was easy to sell. The family knows other things are gone, like all the cash in the house, but only know for sure about the medals. Who knows what all they took. My father in law used to stash things through the house for safe keeping.

The lady who inherited everything is going after the cleaning company. All she cares about is getting the medals back. Sure they are incredibly valuable and most likely have already been sold but she wants them back because they very important to my father in law. I am sure the theft of the small things would never have been noticed with all the confusion. Taking the medals off of his dress uniform was going way too far. Again a case of those brought in to help someone helping themselves. I hope the lady is able to get the medals back. However, they probably were sold within 24 hours.

Trying to explain death to a four year old

Mom, when Grandpa died did he forget our phone number? Why can’t you call him? Did you forget his phone number? All you have to do is fined his phone number and we can talk to him. Why don’t you look for his phone number? If Grandpa forgot our phone number why can’t he write us? Is Daddy bringing Grandpa home with him? When can we see him again?

For a week know I have been trying to explain that Grandpa is gone. That there will not be anymore phone calls. My kids just don’t get it. Today I started balling as they tried to figure out why Grandpa cannot just pick up the phone and call them.

My son, trying to be helpful explained to his little sister that Grandpa did not want to die. But he does not really get it himself. He is the one asking if Grandpa forgot our phone number when he died. He also asked if people forget everything when they die. As if it was a video game where a person can die and come back and start all over again, or at the last level. Death is not an easy concept. He has this idea that Grandpa is going to be coming back.

My daughter has no idea. She thinks he is mad and does not want to talk to us. I keep explaining that Grandpa loved them but that he is no longer here. He has passed on. I keep thinking they get it but then comes another question. When can they talk to Grandpa?

I think it is time for me to go to the library and find some children stories about death and dying so that it can be explained to them in concepts they understand. Not that I expect to find children’s books about death and dying. That is something we try to protect our kids from, not expose them to it in stories.

The last laugh is on us

My father in law never updated his will. He though he had. He told everyone he had. He even told people what he wanted and who got what. I guess it was all the painkillers talking. In three years of having terminal Cancer he never wrote a new will. The old one is almost thirty years old. It does not include his children. It gives everything to his then girlfriend. Someone he has not seen in decades.

All the promises, plans, expectations and infighting were for nothing because he never changed his will. I feel really bad for everyone involved. Their Dad told them he was splitting everything evenly for his three boys. Now they get nothing, zero, zip. What a slap in the face. All the insurances he said he had, he did not. So now there are huge outstanding bills and fees to pay.

There is a lesson here. Update your will as your life changes.

Potty training regression

Lots of deep breathing!

I have to keep my frustration and anger in check.

My daughter was potty trained some time ago. Then she suddenly started peeing herself. It was frustrating. Why the sudden change. It was suggested she was under stress, or it could be a control issue, even an expression of anger, or a fear of the toilet flushing noise. There was the stress of knowing she would be starting school (JK) and her best friends moving way. We took her to the Dr. to make sure she did not have an infection. He had some tests and an ultra sound done. Her bladder is small and may not be able to keep up with her body. No explanation for why she was trained before and now is only trained when she wants to be. Her bladder was the same size then as it is now.

So we went back to pull ups. Only to have her not even trying to use the bathroom. She had a diaper on, why use the toilet is she could go in a diaper? Not the reaction we needed. So off come the pull ups, now we start the reminders and timers with no success. She stood in the bathroom doorway and peed on the floor, looking at the toilet. WHAT ARE YOU DOING! I don’t have a chair, couch, bed, rug or spot on the floor she has not peed on.

Now she has changed daycares and will be starting kindergarten next week. She regressed even more. It started at the day care. Two days in a row it was not pee but something even far less pleasant. Both days the daycare worker conveniently did not notice until I picked her up and asked her if she had not noticed the smell. All she had to say was that my daughter did not say anything. Then Grandpa died. Now the real fun begins. My daughter is not even trying to use the toilet. Lots of laundry, frustration and anger.

I am on my third straight day of dealing with a kid who just does not seem to care enough not to go bathroom in her underwear. Anger definitely does not work, nor does showing frustration, sadness or disappointment. Bribery, also known as positive reinforcement, is having no effect.

My husband said to just chill and give it time. She is just not handling things very well. Easy for him to say, he is not here dealing with her little surprises. I am under a lot of stress too, and this is not helping. I don’t get to be stressed though, I am a Mom and as a Mom I am supposed to suck it all up, deal with it and put the best possible face on for the kids.

They are asleep and I am stressing now, and letting it show, and your reading about it. I sure hope this little anti-toilet faze ends soon.

My Father-in-law passed away today

My Father-in-law passed away today. It was not unexpected. But that does not mean we were ready. He had managed to surprise us over and over again, beating the expectations of the doctors. Surviving with cancer far longer than expected. My children are going to miss him and they don’t even know it yet. He lived half way around the country. We did not get to see him very often, but we tried to talk with him as much as possible. I don’t think they will understand why they suddenly will not even have that contact with him. It is something I will have to deal with as my husband will be leaving to attend the funeral and deal with his family.

I am crying, not for my Father-in-law, but for my children and husband who are now dealing with a tremendous loss. I am sure for my Father-in-law is in a better place. He had suffered enough. He had already let his wishes known. He had a do not revive request. He wanted to live but the quality of his life was not what he wanted. The pain was too much. My children have now lost the only Grandparent that has been a part of their lives. I do not wish to burden their young lives with his death. We will deal with it later in our own way. I feel sorry for my children because they will not have a Grandfather who loves them anymore.

My husband is dealing with anger and frustration from dealing with his family. His Father died today and most of the family only care about will they get out of it. My husband was asked to call his mother. Someone he has only spoken to a few times in the last 25 years. Like maybe three or four times in those 25 years. Her first concern was not that her ex-husband was dead and that her children were grieving the loss of their father. She wanted to know if anyone knew what was in the will. That was it.


I know this is going to be hard on my husband. His father was the only real family he had. He is already overwhelmed by the demands of dealing with his family. It is only going to get worse as he has to deal with more issues. As it is he and his brother already have to fight some of the family to make sure their Fathers wishes are followed. It is going to be harder on him when it finally sinks in that his Father is gone. There will no longer be any phone calls or way too many Christmas presents for the kids from Grandpa. That and more is all gone now. There will never be another gift under the tree from Grandpa again showing that he loves and cares about his Grandchildren and son. I think that is what I am going to miss the most, not the gifts but the demonstrations of love and affection given to my children and husband.

He was a good and kind man to my family and we will miss him. May he sleep in peace.

Cancer, You don’t have to have it to be affected by it

I don’t have cancer but cancer has always been a part of my life. My Grandfather died of cancer when my Father was a young man. My Grandmother died of cancer when I was in my early twenties; she was only in her sixties. She was soon followed by my Father. He never made it to 40. That is how old I am now.

All my father’s side died young, and from cancer. My mother has had skin cancer and my step father prostate cancer. When my father died I was left numb. I did not feel any grief until a friend and co-work, who at 36 died of breast cancer. Now one of my clients, who I like very much, is under a breast cancer scare. She does not know yet, and is waiting on the test results.



Myself I have had two breast cancer scares, once in my twenties and another last year. My father in law was diagnosed with terminal cancer three years ago. So far he has beaten the odds. We are not expecting that to last much longer. My husband’s grandmother passed, and his father seems to be following her. He was hospitalized last week and no one expects him to leave this time. Though, he has surprised us all several times already. There is always hope.

I worry about my children. They come from two family affected by cancer. What hope do I have that they will not be reached by cancer? It has already taken so much away from them in terms of family alone. I hope it never actually gets hold of them, me or my husband. At times I comfort myself with the thought that they all died because they smoked. However that does not guaranty that they got cancer because they smoked. I don’t smoke and I am trying to condition my children so that they will not smoke.


Until tonight I never realized how much cancer has affected my life and how much it is a part of my life.