Star Wars the Old Republic Guild Turns to Cyber bullying

 

For almost a year a father and his 9 year old son played on the Star Wars the Old Republic with a great guild.  A few weeks before the new Star Wars the Old Republic expansion started the guild turned nasty.  Suddenly what used to be a fun MMORPG became an ordeal of cyber bulling.

It started in sly comments.  It quickly moved up to nasty in game messages, anonymous posting full of swear words, insults and comments like “you are this and this and should quite the game” but not in so nice words.  Insert any combination of swear words, insults with thinly veiled threats and you get the idea. 

The last straw was when an anonymous posting went on the guild page attacking four players, Suddenly what was just annoying and somewhat childish behaviour became a full out attack.  The guild leader let the posting stay up on the guild page.  This showed that she supported the cyber bulling behaviour of one guild member.  Please note that the bully did not have the guts to put their name on their poison pen posting.  As a result all four members decided independently that they did not want to play in a guild where they were expected to put up with someone treating them like crap.

Not one of the players being cyber bullied had done anything to earn the abuse.  Two were new players, who did not have much experience.  They were in the process of learning the game and building up their levels.  One was a father, with a new born, who played when he could but put his family first.  The fourth was in the US military serving overseas.  He is fighting for his country, with all his time scheduled for him.  Not to mention putting his life on the line every day.  Why would any of these people want to deal with abuse every time they logged onto Star Wars the Old Republic?

Now it is one thing to have someone be nasty on Star Wars the Old Republic, you simply block them.  It is something different to be cyber bullied by someone in your own guild.  Especially when the cyber bully hides who they are, it taints the whole guild.  You don’t know who is doing it.  It is like getting nasty letters in your locker at high school, the bully wants to make their life hell but is not “man” enough to put their name on it.

Oh, and Mr. Anonymous was not so anonymous after all.  The person was creating alternative characters not in the guild so they could cyber bully “anonymously”.  But all four people figured out who it was when they compared notes. 

The cyber bully had recently joined the guild.  He was a new “friend” of the guild leader and was given extra special treatment at the expense of the other guild members.  He was given an officers position right away, even though everyone else had to work their way up the guild and prove themselves.  He was going after the guild members he felt threatened by. 

The ex-guild members felt betrayed by their guild leader, that she would allow such abusive behaviour.  None of the attacked players engage the bully.  It was not worth their time.  They play Star Wars the Old Republic to have fun. 

The funny part is that the cyber bully did not even notice they had left the guild.  He stepped up the attacks after they had already left.  He started posting anonymous abusive messages in the guilds message of the day for everyone to see.  He called them names, put them down and kept saying they should be kicked out of the guild.

At first the guild leader was upset that the guild members quite and asked them back.  That changed within a day.  Suddenly she was being abusive to them as well.  Somehow they were in the wrong for taking offence to the extremely abusive attacks.  She expected them to just put up with it.

Just to be safe the Father decided to log onto his 9 year old sons account and pull him out of the guild.  What did he find, in retaliation for the father leaving the guild leader kicked his son out.  The cyber bully sent the 9 year old a very abusive, bulling message along the same lines as what he had posted to the other guild members.  It was full of swear words and was just plain nasty to say to anyone, let alone a 9 year old.

What was the point of cyber bulling a child?  The kid was already kicked out of the guild.  Why send a child you don’t know an abusive message?  Simple, because he could.  He knew his guild leader will support his cyber bullying of long standing and new guild members.  Why would she have an issue with him attacking a child in the same manner?  He was so confident that he did not even bother to do it anonymously!  This just confirmed the suspicions about who was doing it.

Well he was right.  When this was brought to the guild leader’s attention her response was, she was the one who kicked the child out of the guild and what was the problem with the messages.  After all it was all just a joke.  Extreme abusive cyber bullying for two weeks a joke!  Right.  Who is she kidding?  Most people will not accept this treatment any time, so why should anyone accept it on a MMORPG. 

 

With the number of kids killing themselves over cyber bulling she still thinks it’s ok for her new friend to do this to a child who has never done anything to anyone.  I guess she is not the good person people thought she was.  Who wants to be in a guild that you have to put up with abuse to play in?  What gets me the most though is, how could anyone think it is ok for an adult to cyber bully a child!  It is not ok for anyone to cyber bully a child.

My Son Lied to Me Today – How to Deal with it.

First I expect the kids to lie to stay out of trouble – most people do, children and adults.  However, that does not mean my children get away with it.  Usually they lie about little things like who left the hall light on.  It is usually, “Not me”, “I don’t know” or any other answer like, “I forgot”.  We tell them I don’t know or not me don’t live here and get them to turn off the light or fix whatever the issue is.

When my daughter started grade one she also started taking things from school and telling us a friend gave it to her, or it was a prize from school we quickly questioned it.  We confronted her and made her tell the truth.  Part of what we did was go into the school and talk with her teacher to find out the truth – in front of our daughter.  She had no choice but to confess to taking things and telling lies.  It was quickly and firmly dealt with.  We consistently followed up to make sure she did not start stealing again. 

We explained to our kids that telling us the truth is very important, and that telling a lie results in a much worse punishment then owning up and telling the truth in the first place.  Also that once they lose our trust it is a very hard thing to earn back.  My kids know that telling the truth is important to us, even when we don’t like the truth.

So I was quite upset when my son lied about a big thing tonight.  My daughter came down stairs and told me my son had a big red bump on his head.  She tends to tell on him a lot, but this time she did the right thing and I told her so.  My son comes down the stairs with his bangs hiding a great big red bump.  We asked what happened – I don’t remember.  I don’t think so.  We quickly figured out he had been injured about two hours earlier when he had been playing outside.  So now came the fun part of trying to piece together what happened. 

We could tell my son was reluctant to tell us what happened.  Usually when he gets hurt he is the first one at the door telling us he has been hurt.  I mean even bug bites he is at the door looking for sympathy and attention.  We have some “bad” kids in the area who like to hurt the other kids.  Our son knows that we don’t want him playing with them.  We thought maybe he was playing with one of them and was injured by one of them.  That he was reluctant to tell us because he knows he is not to go near those kids.  Nope, he was not playing with any of them.  Once we confirmed that he was not hurt by another child we concentrated on getting the real story.

The story we eventually heard was that he slipped and fell and hit his head.  That it was just an accident because he was running.  No way was that story the truth, not where the big bump was.  I asked very specifically if he had fallen off the fence and hit his head, and he said no.  However we let it go and my husband checked him over to make sure he was ok.  He was made to sit on the couch with an ice pack until bed time.

 I waited until he was in bed, safe.  He had gotten away with it.  Not likely.  I had a little talk with him explaining that I knew he was lying and why.   I had a very good idea of how he had hit his head but needed him to tell me.  After about a half hour it all came out, exactly what I expected.  He decided to climb over the fence instead of using the gate, slipped and fell head first onto a cement pad in our neighbour’s back yard.  He knew he was not supposed to be climbing the fence, that’s why we have gates.  So he hid the bump and did everything he could to keep us from finding out.

He was expecting a full out punishment for doing something we have been telling him for years not to do.  Instead he got me explaining to him how dangerous not telling us about the head injury was.  With the fences we have around the back yards he could have really hurt himself, get a concussion, or died.  It took a lot but I think I got through to him that he has to always let us know when he has been injured.  Even when he thinks he will be in trouble.  It is way more important to be safe and healthy.  Also I was very blunt about the type of injury he had and how much worse it could have been.  Most importantly I let him know that by hiding it he could have made things much worse.  If we had to rush him to the hospital and had no idea how he got hurt or when, how could we tell the doctors what they needed to know?  I also calmly explained to him how upset I was that he lied to us.  I think I got through to him because I was more concerned about getting him to understand, then punishing him for the lie.  There are still going to be consequences for telling us lies, but it is far more important to me that I can trust him, and know that he understands why the truth is so important.

I am still very upset that he lied to me.  Getting angry with him, or punishing him this time would backfire.  Being calm and worried about how injured he was and how much worse it could have been was way more effective this time.  To be blunt, I think that scared him far more than any possible punishment I could have given him.  It was also very important for him to realise that he cannot get away with lying to us.  We knew he lied, and figured out what happened all on our own.  There is no benefit to lying to us, but there are to telling us the truth.

Summer Fun with the Kids on a none existent budget

School is going to be out in a few days. My children are going to be home all summer for the first time in years. No summer camp this year. So what am I going to do with them? This is going to be the tightest summer yet. For the first time ever even bus rides are going to be difficult.

For the last few weeks I have trying to come up with things for us to do that will not break the bank.  I have been having a hard time trying to figure out what the kids can do.  I have to admit part of it is that I want to take them to the water parks, the fairs and other fun things summer is full of, and I cannot.  The funny part is, the kids are happy to just play at home.  I don’t think they care as much about what they are not doing as I do. They are more interested in video games, watching TV and playing board games with us.  Not that they are going to be doing a lot of that!  When I think about it they are going to be having a summer more like the ones I had growing up.  My family never did the things I have been feeling bad about not doing with my kids.  So what if we can’t go out and do a bunch of stuff. Who said we had to!  (me, lol).

We have a recreation centre within walking distance. The pool is open for a couple of hours every day to the public. We have our passes already. Once I know the schedule I will know part of what we will try and do each day.  Swimming is a lot of fun and it will help keep us cool.

Water Parks. We cannot afford to go to the local water park this year. However there are some free mini water play areas at some of the parks. The one up the street has a tinny section with water activities, more of a water spot for babies and toddlers.  Also there are no bathroom facilities there. So that kind of takes that off the plans for summer. There is a nice water play area at the biggest park in town. It is one bus ride, and there are bathroom facilities there. Drawbacks, we have to bus and that is $10 each time. Also the park is where all the big festivals take place. We don’t want to take our kids there when a festival is on because we just don’t have the money to go to a festival.  We are not going to put our kids through that if we can help it. So trips to the water play area are going to be few, if any.

Beach.  We go every year at least once, sometimes twice. We will save so we can go this year. Some changes though, more packed lunch, less buy something there. The kids always have a blast and want to spend all day at the beach.  This has always been our big family summer event, and we are going to make sure we can do it this year.  It takes planning, and using a granny cart to bring all our stuff on the bus but it will happen this year at least once.

Parks – we have a nice one just down the street, no bathroom facilities though. I think we will be going to the park on nice days. We can walk home to use the bathroom.

Playing in the back area. It used to be nice, than the landlord took the play area out. Now we have an open area. The bigger kids are using to play soccer, football and even baseball. They don’t let the little kids have any space. So my kids will be going out when the teenagers are not using the area. They have room to bike, run around and have fun.

We are going to be putting all our water play stuff in the front yard this year. Why, because the teenagers have taken over the back area. Also there is not a lot of shade in the back anymore, we don’t have a sun shade this year. However we still have a wiggly worm, slip and slide and a little wading pool the kids can sit in.  Water guns will be a big thing this year. They can play and water the grass at the same time.  I am sure we are going to be going through a lot of chalk this year.  Also I think we are going to let the kids take out toys that were indoor toys only last year.  The more things they can do and play with the better. They can enjoy playing with the kids around here and their own toys instead of being at summer camp all day.  They both like the fact that they are not going to camp, even if it means they miss out on all the trips to the big water parks and other fun things we cannot afford to do.

I guess the biggest thing I have learned is that my kids don’t need to go to the parks, water parks, and other large expensive activities to enjoy their summer.  They just want the freedom to run around and play.

The Final Inspection - A thought for Rememberance Day

I do not normally post emails sent to me, but this one got to me. Maybe it is because it is so close to Remembrance Day. It might be that my Grandfather was a soldier and my children’s Grandfather was one as well. My Grandfather died when my Father was just a child. My children got to meet their Grandfather only a short time before he passed. Remembrance Day was also his birthday. They miss him and Remembrance Day is very hard for them. I don't believe in war being the answer to anything, but I respect the soldiers who put their lives on the line, and often their lives for us.

A poppy is a small thing to wear to show respect for those who have died, and those who did not. Yet respect has been earned and I for one wear my poppy with pride, mixed in with more than a little sadness.

THE FINAL INSPECTION

The soldier stood and faced God,

Which must always come to pass.

He hoped his shoes were shining,

Just as brightly as his brass.

'Step forward now, you soldier,

How shall I deal with you ?

Have you always turned the other cheek ?

To My Church have you been true?'

The soldier squared his shoulders and said,

'No, Lord, I guess I ain't.

Because those of us who carry guns,

Can't always be a saint.

I've had to work most Sundays,

And at times my talk was tough.

And sometimes I've been violent,

Because the world is awfully rough.

But, I never took a penny,

That wasn't mine to keep...

Though I worked a lot of overtime,

When the bills got just too steep.

And I never passed a cry for help,

Though at times I shook with fear.

And sometimes, God, forgive me,

I've wept unmanly tears.

I know I don't deserve a place,

Among the people here.

They never wanted me around,

Except to calm their fears.

If you've a place for me here, Lord,

It needn't be so grand.

I never expected or had too much,

But if you don't, I'll understand.

There was a silence all around the throne,

Where the saints had often trod.

As the soldier waited quietly,

For the judgment of his God.

'Step forward now, you soldier,

You've borne your burdens well.

Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,

You've done your time in Hell.'

Author Unknown~

Thinking of all the Canadian American and British Soldiers

It's the Military, not the reporter who has given us the freedom of the press. It's the Military, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech. It's the Military, not the politicians that ensures our right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag.

If you care to offer the smallest token of recognition and appreciation for the military, please pass this on and pray for our men and women who have served and are currently serving our country and pray for those who have given the ultimate sacrifice for freedom.

Weight Wake-up call

A few weeks ago I stepped on the scale and it tells me I am 330 lbs. That is my weight wake up call.

I knew I had started to put weight on again, my clothing was tight, and some pants did not fit at all. I just did not realise how bad it was. I have been fighting my weight since I was 12 years old. I know what it is like to lose a few pounds, only to put them back on again with a few extra of course.

When I was 12 my family started telling me I was fat. They put me on strict fad diets, not healthy at all. I did them all, whatever was popular they put me on it. The cabbage soup diet is the one I remember the most. I was always hungry. They also gave me appetite suppressants, and other diet pills. They used to make me jittery and I felt sick a lot. Mind you not once did they talk to a doctor about my weight, or what I should and should not be eating. If they had the doctor would have told them they were out of their minds. It turns out I was not fat at all, I was actually right where I should have been for my age and height.

My family had this odd idea that all ladies should be 108 lbs or less. It did not matter about age, or height. So as soon as I passed 108 lbs I was fat. I spent years developing what I call a yoyo diet eating disorder. My mother used to starve herself all day, popping appetite suppressants and high fibre pills. Then she would eat a small piece of baked fish, no sauce. She would have a small amount of plain white rice and maybe some vegetables. No butter, nothing.

My first step dad used to take great pleasure in getting me to eat adult portions. Once he took me out to an A & W and actually let me eat a huge burger, fries and onion rings. I am sure there was a dessert, I just remember being able to eat until I was full. The food was so good I kept eating any way. I think I knew I was unlikely to eat like that again for a long time. Even when I was not on a restrictive diet my Mom was all into health food, junk food was not an option.

My second step dad loved taunting me with the food his kids got to have. I would have to make his kids lunches and put their treats and snacks in. Things like donuts, cookies, chocolate bars and candy. All things I was told I could not eat. They used to tease me about it. Often my Step dad would bring out desserts and treats and the family would eat them in front of me. Telling me how good it tasted, etc. For Christmas they gave me a tin of candy, which they ate of course. All I heard every day was how fat I was. Yet I actually was not. Eventually I said no more. I was still restricted to the food they gave me, but I knew one day I would be free to eat what I wanted. The problem was that I was set into a pattern of fad diets and poor self esteem.

Needless to say my step dad and his kids were jerks. One of the first things I remember him telling me was that on my 16th birthday I was to have my bags packed and to get out because at that point my Mother was no longer obligated to take care of me. I was 12 at the time. My mother is so proud of herself. The only time she stood up for me was to insist that I got to stay until I graduated high school. So at 17 I moved out, probably the best thing that ever happened to me. Though I do think I started eating all the wrong foods as a type of delayed rebellion. If it was something they would not let me eat, I ate it.

For about 8 years my weight was fine. Then I put on a few pounds and started the diet to lose weight and put it back on and more cycle. I did weight watchers and other programs, all worked as long as I actually followed them. Once I stopped the weight would come back with a few extra pounds. Eventually I hit 220 lbs. For years I sat at 220 lbs, which was good because my weight was high but stable. I had children, but my weight was right back to 220 lbs within weeks of giving birth.

I went on Depo-Provera and packed on the weight in a couple of months. I put on about 100 lbs and have been trying to lose it ever since. It turns out that birth control is a common cause for weight gain, and having a difficult time getting it off. That was 6 years ago. I have lost up to 60 lbs only to put 80 back on. I was sitting at 300 lbs for the last year. Now I am up to 330 lbs. My health is strongly affected by this, so is my ability to play with my kids and my relationship with my husband.

It does not matter anymore why I put on weight. I have to lose it, properly and permanently. I have learned all the skills I need over the years of going to weight loss programs. Now I have to start using them. This is not about being skinny or looking good. I need to lose weight to get healthy. I don’t want my children to grow up fat because of the example I showed them. They are perfect weight right now and I would never do to them what my family did to me. I also don’t want to die because I did not bother to lose weight. This is about my life, and the quality of my life. I am taking control back, because I have to or I could die way before my time.

Yes I have some really big issues with food, and eating. I have to deal with them and get on with my life. I need to make better food choices, get away from my desk and do things. Even taking a small walk everyday is better then what I have been doing.

As a form of motivation, or possibly a type of accountability, I am going to document my process and progress on Lady Talks a Lot. I hope what I am going through will help others get up and start losing weight. Also if I know everyone is going to know how I am doing I might find it a little easier to actually do what I need to.

For the last couple of weeks I have worked on cutting down how much I eat. I am still eating junk food, candy and chocolates. That I am slowly reducing. I am going to add some exercise to my daily routine, maybe even play with my kids.

When I checked the scale today I was 318 lbs. So I am down 12 lbs. Let’s see if I can lose another 2 lbs this week.

I received an email today from a local event in Hamilton, Pagan Pride Day. It is a fun event held in Hamilton every September. Every year they collect food for FoodShare, and it is given to the different food banks in the area. The email touched me and I want to share it with others. I hope it touches everyone else as well. Please give to your local food bank, the need is real and the need is now. I know that kids in my area are going hungry every day, some will be in my children’s classes. I cannot help them all, but maybe all of us can help them by giving what we can to the food bank.


Pagan Pride Day is 1 week away (Sept 10th) and I'm asking you to keep in mind the FoodShare collection we sponsor every year.


Every year at this time the 'back to school' bill takes its toll on the average family ... supplies, clothes, shoes and all of the miscellaneous things needed to start off another school year. Unfortunately for many, sometimes the cost of those supplies come off of the dinner table, no matter how hard you try to budget and the truth of the matter is that the schools do watch for kids without lunches and they will phone home to inquire why the child has no food ... I can't think of anything more heart wrenching then having to admit you have nothing to send with that child and that the only real meal of the day is supper.


Last year the Pagan Harvest Festival & the Wiccan Church of Canada helped raise just under 300 lbs of food for the day. We are sincerely hoping to crack that 300 mark with your help and support. Alot of the grocery stores are having some really great sales right now, $5 can make a huge difference. Please be aware as well that all cash donations that go into the collection cauldron go directly to Hamilton FoodShare where they put it to good use by turning every $1 into $5 worth of food stuff.
Investing in a child is one of the best investments you can make, it’s about building a better future :)


Thank you for your support and generousity ... it is deeply appreciated by so many.

Boys Birthday Party on a Budget

This year has been an odd one. Money has never been tighter but we are still trying to give our kids everything we have promised them. This month it is our son’s seventh birthday party. Months ago he told us he wanted to have a Star Wars birthday party. Great, we can do that. We started saving money, and buying things we would need to have the party at home.

We have spent month’s slowly buying items for the grab bags, a few dollars here, and a few dollars there. We have spent way more than we expected and still don’t feel like we are ready. We have 24 grab bags and don’t think it is going to be enough. We have 20 kids confirmed and a possible 16 more. My son wants to invite his friends from his sister’s daycare. He showed up and gave one kid an invite. The other kids saw it so now I feel I have to give them invites as well. That would be another 20 kids invited. I am kind of scared to invite them, but our rule is not to invite one of a group but the entire group. No child should feel unwanted or unwelcome. If it comes to more kids then 24 we will just give smaller grab bags. All the kids will not get the same things but that is ok.


Last year we invited over 60 kids and had 18 show-up at the party, most of them our neighbour’s kids. Quite a few of them were unexpected. But that was ok because we planned for 20 kids and parents. Some of them did not have gifts and that was ok with us as well. One little girl asked if she could still be at the party even if she did not have a gifts, of course. We know what it is like to not have money to buy a gift. We don’t invite lots of kids for lots of gifts. We want the kids to be there having a good time, all the kids not just the ones that can bring gifts.

This year we only invited about 30 kids and most of them are coming. Strangely enough we actually had parents from the party last year ask if they could come to this one even though our kids are not in the same class this year. I guess that is a good sign that people like our idea of a party. If the weather is nice it is outside in the complex’s park that is so nicely placed right out our back door. We have crafts, games and just let the kids run around and have fun. There are no fancy tables, just Mexican blankets on the ground creating a picnic area. It is about fun and letting the kids be kids.

It is a good thing we have a small freezer. When the local No Frills had their dollar sale we bought lots of hotdogs and froze them. We were able to buy three packages for the usual price of two.


We found a great meat store, with a good price on lean hamburger. I have found it saves us a lot of money to make our own burgers instead of buying pre-made frozen burgers. With an $11 package of hamburger, eggs, some bread crumbs and seasoning I can make 24 adult sized burgers, even more when I am making kids sized burgers. It just takes a little time and effort, and not much of that really.

It was funny last year at our son’s party the adults could not get enough of the burgers I made. A couple of people said they had never had burgers like that before. They just never made their own. Homemade burgers are much better then mass-produced frozen burgers. All we have to do now is buy the buns and make the cup cakes.

Every year we make dozens of cup cakes and then let the kids put their own toppings on them. We make sure there are lots of different candies and sprinkles to put on the cup cakes. It leads to some very interesting cup cakes, and a lot of happy kids.

We are keeping the food simple and easy. The only decorations we have this year are balloons and streamers left over from last year. The kids are to bring their lightsabres if they have them. If not we can share. We do have a big table full of crafts for the kids to do. Games are set up inside. We have the Clone war movie if it rains.


It is going to be a good party even if we end up with more kids than expected. They will have fun and that is what it is all about.

The other good thing is that by doing the party the way we do it, we can afford to. We don’t have to pay for a space, or food. We are not looking at $12 to $15 per kid so they can bowl or watch a movie. We can have 30 or more kids and spend between a $100 to $150 instead of that for 10 kids.

I don’t have the stomach for some TV shows today

I am finding that I just cannot watch some shows anymore. I love shows like CSI and 48 hrs. However I am finding I just cannot watch the shows that involve children, either as victims or killers. There are enough “bad” things happening to children that I don’t need to see it as part of my entertainment. Yes I still enjoy mysteries and seeing how police solve crimes. I just don’t have the stomach or the heart to deal with children being killed even in a TV show. It hurts me to see children being harmed or killed, even as part of a fictional story line.



My real problem is that I know what is being shown on TV is just a reflection of what is going on in real life. Children are being harmed and even killed by those who should protect them, their family, teachers, friends and neighbours.

My husband kids me that I am a big softy when it comes to kids. I am. What I don’t understand is why everyone else does not react the same way. It has become so common place, children being harmed and killed, that it is no longer shocking in the news or a TV show. It has become just another part of life, or death. I don’t expect things to change, but I will not watch shows that have it as part of the plot line anymore. I don’t stand on some moral high ground, or believe I am a better person for not watching the shows. I just cannot watch them without crying and becoming sick to my stomach. It is simply easier for me to change the channel or turn the TV off.

Eugenics verses Reality

The belief in Eugenics eliminates the belief that one can rise above their lot in life. The reality of it is that most often it is those people who have insurmountable difficulties in life that actually rise so far above their beginnings. It is not a person’s genetics that determines a person’s ability to succeed, fail or simply live out an average life. People need to be judged by what they do, not what their parents did.

Often the children of the extreme rich or over achievers do not have the drive or abilities that their parents do. It does not mean that they are not capable; they just don’t have the need to improve their lives and there for do not try. Other people fight for everything they have. Not all of them succeed, but most of them have more drive than anyone who has never had any need to try. Those that succeed by our standards, wealth or achievement, often surprise people with their humble and often poverty controlled beginnings. Only people who have the passion and drive truly achieve something that makes them stand out. Genetics do not dictate who will have drive, passion, determination and break out of the “average” mould into the astronomical success most of us don’t even dream about.

If people who believe in Eugenics had their way only the perfect children would be accepted. Many “imperfect” children or children of imperfect parents would be brainwashed into believing they could never become or achieve anything of value. This would have resulted in many of the discoveries, creations, and people who have had huge impacts on our lives today to have never been. All because someone told them they could never do anything. Beethoven and Albert Einstein are perfect examples, they would never have been considered perfect and yet they both stand out in history.

So next time you think about telling a child or anyone actually, that they are no good and will never be anything, don’t. You never know what they will not do simply because you told them they could not do it. The cure for Cancer, AID’s, or even the common cold could be lost. All because someone discouraged instead of encouraged.

Big problem with a husband making passes at other family members, so what to do.

Someone recently came to me with a problem and wanted my advice on how to deal with it. To me it seems a simple and clear cut answer. But it is not my family or my problem so it is easy to see why things are happening, and what to do about it. It is much harder when you are caught up in the middle of a potentially explosive family situation that could pull a family apart, and actually is.

The question presented to me was:

I'm the oldest of 3 daughters. I recently told my sister that her husband had been making passes at me for months. It's not the first time he's done something inappropriate. He tried molesting my youngest sister when she was 14 years old. This man at the time was 28-29 yrs old. I broke the news to her a couple years later but she forgave him right away and we had to pretend that nothing happened. My parents didn't want to rock the boat and all I could do is forget about it. Now he is 40 and made passes at me on several occasions. I'm 34. I was waiting to tell my sister when the time was right. She and he were talking about divorce for other reasons a couple months ago and I thought I wouldn't have to say anything since she was going to leave him this time. So I thought. She forgave him again, and I thought that it's now or never. So I told her about the comments he had made and how uncomfortable he made me feel. I expressed my concerns for my own daughter when she turns into a teen. My husband, mother and little sister all knew about this during the whole entire thing. My little sister would tell me that now I knew what she felt for so long while he and my sister lived with her, mom and dad. We are not talking anymore. My mother and little sister won't come out and support me in my points to my other sister. I don't know how to deal with this. They want to continue to pretend it hasn't happened. Any suggestions?



For me the response was clear and easy:

You are doing what you need to do, taking a stand even though it is causing problems in your family relationships. At least now it is in the open and you are not struggling with a lie, or pretending there was not a problem. Denying that there was a problem and living a in a “lie to protect someone else” is incredibly unhealthy for you.

Also a lot of people incorrectly feel guilt, even when they are the victim. Often they take on the responsibility or down play the importance of what was done or said. The number of rapes not reported every day is proof of that. They don’t want other people to know. So your little sister and mother want to keep the family secret in the closet and resent that you don’t and will not support you. They don’t want other people to know. Also if your sister and her husband break up they will feel it is their fault, not the husbands. Odd I know, but again it is why so many people get away with things like this.



If your sister forgave him the first time, she will keep forgiving him. It is either the “us against them”, “I can change him”, or “he will change for me” mentality. Either way she is going to keep on forgiving him almost anything and everything. Don’t expect her to change. I expect he will eventually get caught, and she will forgive him and nothing will change. She may even feel that it is somehow her fault; she was not enough women for him so he looked elsewhere. She will actually try harder to please him so it will not be her responsibility the marriage fell apart. If she cannot keep the marriage together she has somehow failed. Again, odd, but how some people respond to things like this.

Instead keep yourself and your daughter safe and away from him. Don’t expect your family to change, they want to keep their heads buried in the sand and pretend bad things don’t happen. It is more important that you do what is right for you and your daughter.




The real problem I have is that yet again a family is being ripped apart or damaged the actions of one person. That person is not even facing the brunt of the effects he is having. People are actually supporting him and punishing the only family member strong enough to say “enough is enough, this is not acceptable.” People wonder why things like this happen. Why someone gets away with things. This is why, the person willing to talk and take a stand is the one who loses.

Why don’t more people come out and tell someone that they are being abused, hurt or propositioned. They don’t want to be treated like this lady is being treated by her own family. If family is going to treat a person like this for telling the truth, how are other people going to treat them?

Trying to explain death to a four year old

Mom, when Grandpa died did he forget our phone number? Why can’t you call him? Did you forget his phone number? All you have to do is fined his phone number and we can talk to him. Why don’t you look for his phone number? If Grandpa forgot our phone number why can’t he write us? Is Daddy bringing Grandpa home with him? When can we see him again?

For a week know I have been trying to explain that Grandpa is gone. That there will not be anymore phone calls. My kids just don’t get it. Today I started balling as they tried to figure out why Grandpa cannot just pick up the phone and call them.

My son, trying to be helpful explained to his little sister that Grandpa did not want to die. But he does not really get it himself. He is the one asking if Grandpa forgot our phone number when he died. He also asked if people forget everything when they die. As if it was a video game where a person can die and come back and start all over again, or at the last level. Death is not an easy concept. He has this idea that Grandpa is going to be coming back.

My daughter has no idea. She thinks he is mad and does not want to talk to us. I keep explaining that Grandpa loved them but that he is no longer here. He has passed on. I keep thinking they get it but then comes another question. When can they talk to Grandpa?

I think it is time for me to go to the library and find some children stories about death and dying so that it can be explained to them in concepts they understand. Not that I expect to find children’s books about death and dying. That is something we try to protect our kids from, not expose them to it in stories.

Potty training regression

Lots of deep breathing!

I have to keep my frustration and anger in check.

My daughter was potty trained some time ago. Then she suddenly started peeing herself. It was frustrating. Why the sudden change. It was suggested she was under stress, or it could be a control issue, even an expression of anger, or a fear of the toilet flushing noise. There was the stress of knowing she would be starting school (JK) and her best friends moving way. We took her to the Dr. to make sure she did not have an infection. He had some tests and an ultra sound done. Her bladder is small and may not be able to keep up with her body. No explanation for why she was trained before and now is only trained when she wants to be. Her bladder was the same size then as it is now.

So we went back to pull ups. Only to have her not even trying to use the bathroom. She had a diaper on, why use the toilet is she could go in a diaper? Not the reaction we needed. So off come the pull ups, now we start the reminders and timers with no success. She stood in the bathroom doorway and peed on the floor, looking at the toilet. WHAT ARE YOU DOING! I don’t have a chair, couch, bed, rug or spot on the floor she has not peed on.

Now she has changed daycares and will be starting kindergarten next week. She regressed even more. It started at the day care. Two days in a row it was not pee but something even far less pleasant. Both days the daycare worker conveniently did not notice until I picked her up and asked her if she had not noticed the smell. All she had to say was that my daughter did not say anything. Then Grandpa died. Now the real fun begins. My daughter is not even trying to use the toilet. Lots of laundry, frustration and anger.

I am on my third straight day of dealing with a kid who just does not seem to care enough not to go bathroom in her underwear. Anger definitely does not work, nor does showing frustration, sadness or disappointment. Bribery, also known as positive reinforcement, is having no effect.

My husband said to just chill and give it time. She is just not handling things very well. Easy for him to say, he is not here dealing with her little surprises. I am under a lot of stress too, and this is not helping. I don’t get to be stressed though, I am a Mom and as a Mom I am supposed to suck it all up, deal with it and put the best possible face on for the kids.

They are asleep and I am stressing now, and letting it show, and your reading about it. I sure hope this little anti-toilet faze ends soon.

Dealing with the loss of friends because they moved

My neighbor moved and with her my children’s best friends. It was a difficult situation. My children are a bit too young to fully understand the consequences. We watched my neighbor’s children for three days as they prepared for the move and actually moved. My kids loved spending so much time with their best friends. They cried when their best friends drove away for the last time.
My four year old daughter has been asking to visit her best friend, a month after the move. She keeps going to the door and saying, oh they are not home. When will they come home? It would be easier if our neighbor followed through with her promises to both sets of kids. She told them that she would bring her kids to visit. She did not. She sent her boyfriend to pick up their mail from us instead of bringing her kids over to play with mine.

It would also be easier if they could call each other or even do video IM with each other. My neighbor is not interested in letting her kids do that. So suddenly the children my kids have been playing with for half their lives are gone. Now as a parent I have to find some way to teach them how to deal with this loss.

And it is a loss to them. It is not like they can get into a car and visit their friends. They cannot call them or visit them. They are just gone. We have talked about it. My oldest seems to be doing ok. I know he misses his best friend but we are hoping he will make new friends when he goes to grade one. My daughter keeps expecting her best friend to come home and play with her. I am hoping that going into JK will give her the opportunity to make new friends and move on. Only time and new friends is going to make this any easier on my children. Oh, and lots of hugs from Mommy.

What do you mean my son has ADHD and ODD

For years I have been trying to improve my parenting skills. I knew I was lacking in them. I had poor examples growing up. So when things were hard I assumed I was doing something wrong. Or I should say: I could be doing things differently. I tried parenting groups and parenting classes. Some of them helped. I learned a lot. I tried to do most of it with little or limited success.

I tried harder. I asked for help. I asked Children’s aid come in help me figure out what was wrong. Well I was sent to a program called the incredible years. It was very help full and informative. But again I only had limited success. I had a very hard time connecting with my kids. I did not have fun with them. I did not want to play with them. I tried to explain what it was like. No one seemed to get it. I thought I was a bad parent because it was so hard. One lady told me at incredible year’s course, “You are supposed to want to play with your kids, what is wrong with you!”

The good thing was that I had asked for someone to come in and help me figure out what I was doing wrong. What did the home visitor from children’s aid tell me after months of coming over to teach me how to play with my kids? It was not me. Sure I had skills to learn still, but no I was a good parent. My kids were classified as being difficult. They directed me to a program called 0-6 at the Shedoks children’s mental health.

After months of observation it was decided to have my son looked at by a special doctor. Conclusion is that my son has ADHD and ODD. I cried. Not because I was happy knowing that there was a real problem and it was not my parenting. No it was because my son is going to struggle for a long time. He will have social issues and problems at school. He now has a label.

The good thing is that the medication he is on is helping him. He is now able to do school work. He is getting along with other children, and playing with them. His violence level has been greatly reduced. More important is that other children want to play with him. He is being included now, not feared and rejected.

For me it was a shock to find out that this is the way it is supposed to be. Not the stressed out unhappy child and parents. My son is fun to be around now. I love hearing what he has to say and what his opinions are. He is a different child. Still very difficult because of the ODD, but way better then the way things were. Now I love being around my kids and playing with them.

Risks when labeling children, do they become the label or do we treat them as such?

There are several risks when you label children. One is that they identify themselves with the label and then feel that they have no options but to be that label. That is how everyone sees them or that is the behavior expect of them so that must be who they are.

We all label our kids without thinking about it and may be trapping them in a mode of behavior without realizing it. This is so and so, she is really cute or smart, this is so and so he is a great dancer, this is so and so and he is the difficult one, the one with problems, anti social, etc.

The other problem is that people start treating the children based on their label. The cute one gets away with things, the bad one get in trouble all the time because everyone knows he is the bad apple. Or have higher expectations for the smart one, put more demands on that child then others. Or shy one is seen as being anti social, not shy and never gets past it and becomes anti social as a result. Once a child has been labeled it is almost impossible to remove the label. Once a child has been labeled difficult or slow or a problem that is how people see them even when it is not the case.
My 5 year old has been labeled as being difficult, a problem at school and has been removed from the school around 8 times and suspended 6 times. The problem I am having is that he has finally been identified as special needs and we are waiting for him to be tested to identify his needs, but the school has already put the labels difficult and bad on him and treat him as such, not as a child with special needs. We know that they are not working with him, when he gets upset they just remove him from the room and have us pick him up, often making the problem worse.
He is usually trying to tell people something and gets upset because people are not paying attention or listening to him. Removing him from the situation does not teach him how to act in that situation so he ends up repeating the same “errors”, nor does it give him a different set of behaviors that is seen as acceptable. How do they expect him to learn how to behave when all they do is yank him out and remove him? What lesson is learned? That when I scream and kick out I get to go home and don’t have to go to school the next day ether.

He keeps missing out on school activities and he is not learning the academics he needs to be in grade 1. He is losing out because it is easier for the school to remove him then it is to work with him. There is a 6 month or longer wait on the testing that will identify what his special needs are, so we know he is special needs but not exactly what the needs are so it is not on his school file. Once it has been identified and put on his file it is going to be at least 2 years before he will have an EA (an individual to help him though the school day) if he even gets one, and there is a 18 to 24 month wait on getting a speech therapist through the school system. This means that he will live with the label of being difficult until at least grade 3. That’s a long time, and I am sure he will have learned that is how they see him no matter what he does and will take on that label as his own by then.

I have seen this happen to other children, where they are labeled by one teacher and then treated by other teachers a certain way because what their file said about them. I know of one Mother who actually removed her son from school, sent him to his Grandmothers to go to school in her area. His file that said he was inattentive, lazy, below average with anger issues did not follow him. All the reports from the second school said he was above average, worked well with others and strived to learn and there never any mention of anger issues.

So the next year she brought him back, put him into the same school system he had been in before, and what did his old teacher do, made a point of letting the new teacher know what a problem he was. So again he was labeled as “bad” without doing a thing, and a year of positive feedback was disregarded on one teacher's say so. So even though the label was proven wrong it was how he was treated. So think before you label a child or believe a label someone has given a child. Just because someone says it is so does not make it so, that is just their opinion.

First Snow Day

Friday was our sons first Snow Day ever, the first one where his school was closed for the day. He ended up playing computer games and watching T.V. all the time asking if he could go out and play in the snow.

Now you have to understand that this was not just a snowstorm, this was a huge snowstorm that actually caused Hamilton to shut down. Even the Bus system stopped running. It was cold and not actually a safe time to be outside, and yet that is all he wanted to do.

Eventually the weather calmed down a bit and we went outside for maybe 20 minutes to a half hour before a weather warning flashed on the T.V. telling everyone to get inside. Just as we started in the wind hit again so we were actually quite lucky that we went out when we did.

This is what it looked like trying to look out our windows, and he still wanted to go out into it.

Here is the snowstorm calm enough for us to go out into. Yes this is what it looked like when we were out in it. Can you tell this is a street with houses all down it, oh and a large apt. building just past the tree. What you see is a street full of snow and that is about it.

Here we are out playing in a snowstorm. It is in the middle of the day, and it is dark and well kind of hard to see. What makes this picture fuzzy is all the snow falling.

We came in and what do you think the first thing he asked was? “Can we go back out and play in the snow?”