Potty training regression

Lots of deep breathing!

I have to keep my frustration and anger in check.

My daughter was potty trained some time ago. Then she suddenly started peeing herself. It was frustrating. Why the sudden change. It was suggested she was under stress, or it could be a control issue, even an expression of anger, or a fear of the toilet flushing noise. There was the stress of knowing she would be starting school (JK) and her best friends moving way. We took her to the Dr. to make sure she did not have an infection. He had some tests and an ultra sound done. Her bladder is small and may not be able to keep up with her body. No explanation for why she was trained before and now is only trained when she wants to be. Her bladder was the same size then as it is now.

So we went back to pull ups. Only to have her not even trying to use the bathroom. She had a diaper on, why use the toilet is she could go in a diaper? Not the reaction we needed. So off come the pull ups, now we start the reminders and timers with no success. She stood in the bathroom doorway and peed on the floor, looking at the toilet. WHAT ARE YOU DOING! I don’t have a chair, couch, bed, rug or spot on the floor she has not peed on.

Now she has changed daycares and will be starting kindergarten next week. She regressed even more. It started at the day care. Two days in a row it was not pee but something even far less pleasant. Both days the daycare worker conveniently did not notice until I picked her up and asked her if she had not noticed the smell. All she had to say was that my daughter did not say anything. Then Grandpa died. Now the real fun begins. My daughter is not even trying to use the toilet. Lots of laundry, frustration and anger.

I am on my third straight day of dealing with a kid who just does not seem to care enough not to go bathroom in her underwear. Anger definitely does not work, nor does showing frustration, sadness or disappointment. Bribery, also known as positive reinforcement, is having no effect.

My husband said to just chill and give it time. She is just not handling things very well. Easy for him to say, he is not here dealing with her little surprises. I am under a lot of stress too, and this is not helping. I don’t get to be stressed though, I am a Mom and as a Mom I am supposed to suck it all up, deal with it and put the best possible face on for the kids.

They are asleep and I am stressing now, and letting it show, and your reading about it. I sure hope this little anti-toilet faze ends soon.

Dealing with children’s disrupted routines

Most kids need routines; it gives them a feeling of control and security. They know what to expect and what is expected of them. Real problems can come when a routine is disrupted. A child can feel insecure, threatened or scared and will often act out when their routine is interrupted. Life happens and we the parents or caregivers cannot always meet our children’s needs for consistency and routine, all we can do is deal with the disruption or permanent changes and any reactions our kids have.

From personal experience I know that even a small change like bedtime being ½ hr later can have an impact on my children. For small routine changes it is best to try and keep as much of the routine the same. So bedtime may be a ½ hr later but we still do the same things in the same order. The time may have changed but nothing else has. This reassures kids that they still have some control and know what to expect. It is not always possible to keep a routine, even if it is just a matter of time.
When we are running late it is not always possible to follow the morning’s routine, sometimes compromises have to be made. It may be a matter of having breakfast on the way instead of sitting at the table, or not getting the time a kid needs to ease into transitions. All of this can through a kids day off and their behaviors. Their expectations have not been met and they are reacting to that. Also when we are late or rushing there is the added stress to everything. This is usually when our kids act out or break down, just when we need them not to. But then what can we expect, we are changing their routine and expect them to rush around with no transition time or anything, and we are probably stressed and they can hear it in our voices, of course they are going to be resistant to what we want. Not that being aware of why they are acting out makes it any easer as you try to get everyone out of the house and make it to your appointment or work on time.

Then there are things that just happen that we don’t have control of but can still disrupt our routines; the car breaking down, the power goes out, unexpected guest show up, or someone does not show up or is late. This is life. The best thing to do is to try and get back onto your kids schedule or routine as fast as possible. If one day you are unable to follow the usually routine the very next day you start right back on it, even if your kids resist. The sooner you can get your kids back into the routine the easer it is on everyone.

Change in a routine is the hard one, even when it is a good change. A parent or caregiver starts a job, or changes the time the go to work, or starts school can be very difficult for kids to adjust to. This is a permanent change that they will have to learn to live with. Eventually it will become part of their routine but we the parents and caregivers have to give the kids the time to adjust. We cannot expect them to accept a change right away, it can take weeks even months for some kids to adjust.

School starting in the next two weeks is going to be the big change in routines for most of us. It is going to take a few weeks for both kids and parents to get used to this. It can be a stressful time for everyone. The best thing to do is try and keep the new routine as close to the old routine as possible, and be there for your kids even if they don’t act out or express anxiety. They may be feeling it but are not showing it. Consistency is going to be the key to getting everyone to adjust to the new routine sooner then later and with as little stress as possible. Give yourself and your kids a lot of time in the morning to get used to getting ready for school. Do as much work, like making lunch and picking out clothing, the night before. Anything you can do to reduce the stress of change will help. You may want to start working on the new routine now so that it is not so new on the first day of school. Do some practice runs now to make sure your timing is right so there is not a lot of stress to get everyone moving and where they need to be the first week of school. This will give everyone some time to adjust their routine before hand so things go more smoothly the fist day of school.

Giving yourself and your children time to adjust to any change in routine is the key. There is usually resistance to change, which may cause your child to act out or just feel insecure for a bit. Every person, adult or child, deals with change differently. The only cure for this is for the change to become part of the routine, and only time and consistency can do that.

Getting ready for that first day of school

This is harder then expected. I thought that it would be easy to just pack my kid of to kindergarten for half a day. It is not like he has not been going to daycare for years. What is different about sending him to school? Why is it emotionally difficult?

First there is getting him ready for the transition of no longer going to pre-school with his friends all day but going to kindergarten for half the day and spending half the day at home. He is having a hard time understanding that he is not going to be going back to pre-school. He does not handle change very well, he comes by it honestly, I don’t like changing either. He needs routines and I am not very good with them. It is going to be a challenge for both of us to adjust. The next few weeks will be all about getting all of us ready for him to go to real school.

It is important that he has time to adjust to the change before it happens. We walk by his new school everyday and I let him know that he will be going to that school in a few weeks. Next week the daycare will be getting him used to the idea that he will not be coming back to them, but going to real school. Everyone is working toward making this as easy on him as possible.

However I was not expecting me to have problems with it. It is a big step for him, a sign that he is growing up. I am happy for him but at the same time uncomfortable with there being less control over what happens in his day. I worry about him fitting in, though he does ok at daycare and I think some of the kids will be in the same school as him. I worry about bullies and strange people coming into the school. I want to be able to protect him still from all of that and still give him his freedom to become himself.

How does one balance the need to protect and the need to let go? This is just one small step for us, but it is also a big first step to letting him grow up and be part of the real world. My husband wanted us to home school but I want him to learn how to deal with how things really are right away, personality conflicts and all. And yet I am the one who is starting to get anxious about him being in a less controlled environment, being vulnerable.

I also have to deal with our three year old being upset because he is going to a different school then her, and that she cannot go with him. I think that it is going to be a hard month for all of us as we adjust our schedules and get used to him going to school. In one way I think it is going to be harder for me having him home more, mainly because I work from home and already have a hard time getting my work done, now I will have even less time. On the other hand I think it will be very good for us to have some quality time together without his little sister. He needs the one on one time and she always has to be doing what he is doing or is trying to get me to do something else with her.

I think he is going to have an easer time adjusting then I am, but it is going to be a hard few weeks until things become routine again.

Finding 5 minutes to play with your kids

We are all good at finding reasons for why we cannot find time to play with our kids. There is never anytime to get everything we need to get done in the day let alone play. I personally find this to be my weakness as a parent. I can supervise with the best of them but struggle to make time to play with my kids.

Yet I know that just taking the time to play with them has way more benefits then not. I know giving them five to ten minutes of playtime with me a day increases their positive behaviors and actually frees more time for me. But I still struggle to remember to make the time. It is difficult for me to play, not instruct or supervise.

At one point I actually scheduled playtime in my day timer. That worked for a bit and then other things started to interfere with it. It is summer and all the kids want to do is play outside with their friends. By the time the come in it is dinner, bath, story, and then bed time. When do I fit playtime in there with out disrupting the routine? They get hyper when we play and it is not conducive for an easy bedtime, they just want to keep playing. Now 5 minutes is not a lot of time and should be easy to fit into the day.

I realized today that I have the perfect opportunity for playtime several times a day. We wait for the bus every morning for 10 to 15 minutes. We play pirates on the bench at the bus stop. Today they each took a stuffy with them and we played a game with them. It was easy to do and it was a lot more fun then just sitting there. What do I care about what the other people at the bus stop think; I am spending time with my kids. Added bonus was that because the kids were playing with me I did not have to worry about them getting to close to the road or picking up who knows what off the ground. It made it easer and fun for all of us. This is gong to work for us.

I finally figured out that it does not have to be formal playtime on the floor with toys or at the table with play dough. We can play anytime and any place. I think it will be easer to go shopping with them because we can now make a game out of it, and play. Instead of me telling them to keep up, keep your hands to yourself, get back here, don’t touch that. We can play I spy, pirates looking for a treasure (some item on the shopping list), or just about anything the kids can come up with. Trust me they can come up with way better ideas then I can. Bus rides and waiting for the bus, or standing in line are now times to play.

Have you told your kids how wonderful they are today?

There have been all these studies that have shown that you don’t spoil your child by praising them. It is actually more positive to consistently praise your child for trying then it is for completing the goal. It gives them the confidence to keep trying, improves their self-esteem. The best part is that if we the parents are constantly giving praise for the good things they do, even when they don’t succeed, we are giving them positive attention. They are less likely to act out trying to get any attention. I like that, I can tell my kids how great they are doing and we both win, they feel positive about themselves and don’t go off the deep end trying to get my attention. I feel a lot better being able to tell them they are doing something great then spending all my time trying to get them to behave.

So can you tell I have been taking “The incredible years” course? Our youngest just turned three and suddenly we had this uncontrollable screaming child that nothing would make happy. If her brother has something she has to have the same one he does. The very same one, from his plate or hand. Nothing else will do. She will say; “I want that one!” and point to what ever we were going to hand our son. Some times we would not even know what would set her off, she would just have a full blown tantrum and the more we tried to find out what was wrong the louder and longer the tantrum would become. She would get upset if we tried to comfort her and if we tried to leave her alone. It was a no win situation. We had no idea on how to deal with this sudden behavior change. We called for help and were signed up for the very next “The incredible years” course.

It is working and has improved our lives. Our son is no longer asking if we are bringing her back home from Daycare. He did not want us to. We had to make some big changes on just how we interact with our kids. Most important is that we actually play with them, not just supervise or be available but actually get down on the floor and play. We had to start thinking about what we were saying and what it means to us and what it means to the kids. What does Behave actually mean? We may be asking them not to jump, or to stop hitting each other, or to walk with us in the store, or any number of things but we say, “behave” instead of what we actually want. What does behave mean to a child? If one day we say behave means to not fight with each other, and the next day to stop climbing the couch we should not be surprised if our kids don’t know what we expect from them when we use the word behave.

The most powerful thing we learned though is to tell our kids positive things about themselves all through the day, not just when they have done something perfect. That they are doing something positive is worth praising, even when it is something they do all the time. The more positive things you tell your kids decreases the negative comments and discipline required. By focusing on the behaviors we consider good and ignoring the ones that we consider bad (but not dangerous) the positive behaviors increase, the bad ones decrease. Mind you the negative ones will increase for a bit until they get used to the positive feedback, you just have to make it through the transition and then stay consistent and life with your children should be easer and more fun.

We noticed a change right away, first an increase in the negative and then suddenly a dramatic decrease. Though our daughter is considered difficult and strong willed we have reduced the big tantrums for the most part, and we like that a lot. She is constantly testing us but it is no longer the full-blown wars we were having with her. We don’t feed into it anymore. What has freed us is knowing that we don’t have to win every battle but to pick our battles instead, to acknowledge what we like and ignore for the most part what we don’t. Tantrums don’t last that long if they don’t get the attention, and don’t get their way no matter how much they scream. The more you tell your kids how wonderful they are the more wonderful they actually become.

Setting boundaries for your children's free time

I have had to set boundaries for my children’s free time. If I did not use a timer when my son is on the computer he would be on it all day. I need to use a timer so that he knows when his time is up, he has no idea how much time passes when he is playing. Using the computer started as a way for him to learn and to help with his hand eye coordination. The next thing I know is that I have a four-year-old computer addict. He will give up just about anything for computer time. I use it as a treat or a reward, some thing to be earned not a right.

As my children get older I am going to have to make sure they have a balanced life. To do so I will have to put limits on computer and TV time and make sure they play outside with other kids. I have already decided that my children will not have a TV, computer or phone in their rooms. That will all be in the living room. That way I have more control over when they use them and what they use them for.

I will be enrolling them into after school and summer programs so that they socialize and do some type of activity. I, like any other parent, want to give my kids all the opportunities that I did not have. At this point it is open to what programs they will go into. I want to make sure it is some thing they like. I can only give them the opportunities to do things; I cannot make them participate. Swimming, baseball, gymnastics and dance all seem to be high on my son’s list right now, so we will try those first.

I know that my children are going to have great demands on their time when they start school. They will have less free time and will want to spend it doing what they love the most, be it computer games or playing sports. As an adult it is very easy for me to become caught up in a book, game or TV show, how can I expect my children to be any different? I need to give them boundaries, balance until they are able to create their own boundaries. At the same time I need to make sure I don’t limit them so much that they rebel and find other ways to get the TV or computer time they want.

I have some great ideas from talking with parents of older children. Now only time will tell how they will work on my kids. Homework must be done before I let them watch TV or play games. I need to give them a choice of games, computer ones, handheld ones, ones played on the TV and board games. I want the games to be ones that the family can all play, so there is some family time involved. Arts, crafts and music are all very important and I need to give them access to create or enjoy them. The best way is for me to do things with them, not just put some paper and pens on the table and tell them to keep busy. The one thing that seems to stand out the most, no matter what activities I expose my children to, is that I need to participate with them. My involvement as a parent is more important then the actual activity.

Is it OK to raise a baby night owl?

It is not OK to raise a baby night owl. When my son was born my husband worked nights and did not have a drivers licence. I would drop him off and pick him up, and baby had to come with me. I would get the baby down to sleep only to put him into a car seat and drive my husband to work. Then I would try to get him to go back to sleep when we got home. No luck, we would be up all hours of the night. Then finally sleep, and the alarm would go off so I had to get up and put the baby in the car again to go pick up Daddy.

When we got home Daddy would want to play with baby. So we were up for a few hours more. Then we would all fall asleep during the day. Missing out on every thing that happens in the day, like walks and sunshine. We all ended up sleeping in the day and being up at night. Finally my husband realised this was killing us. It was to hard to be a family, do things or just live life if we slept all day and were up all night. So he ended up getting a day job when our son was about six months.

Looking back I know we missed out on a lot of things for the first year of his life. Just being up when every one else is makes a big difference on how you live your life. Staying up all night made it impossible to socialize so our son did not have a lot of contact with other kids, or other people in general. We missed out on park time, baby groups, or just getting out of the house. What do you do when you live in a small apartment and are only up at night? You are not very active, you feel isolated, you watch a lot of TV and you never get a break. It became stressful for all of us. It was not fair for us to do that to our child, or to ourselves.

It has taken years to get our son to sleep at night. He would always try and stay up as late as possible, and would fight going to bed. It took hours to get him to go down. We would start around 8 pm only to get him to sleep some time between 10 pm and 12 AM. When we did get him to go to sleep he would wake up in the middle of the night and we had to start all over again to get him to sleep. It was a hard thing to break, having a night owl baby.

I know that it is not possible for every one to have a stable day job, too many shift work jobs and night shifts. If it is possible though, give your baby a nighttime bedtime routine so they can be up with every one else and fit in with most of society. My husband was a night owl as a baby and most of his life. He could never seem to sleep at night and ended up living a life of night shifts, always struggling to fit his life schedule with daytime society. Being a night person can be lonely and difficult to balance. It is also harmful to your health and well-being. Even after years of not working nights he will end up awake all night because he feels more awake and alert at night. This is some thing he will struggle with for the rest of his life. This lifestyle is not some thing I would knowingly inflict onto a baby.