To eat or not can be all the control a child has

For some children they feel that all they control is if they eat and where they go bathroom. Getting your child to eat or use the toilet can become a battle of wills that no one wins and often results in anger and frustration for all involved. Children will resist having their control taken way just as strongly or even more so then adults. And that is completely understandable, if what you put into your mouth or where you went potty was the only things you controlled in your life you would fight to keep that control.

It can be incredibly frustrating trying to get kids to eat, especially when food is limited or you went out of your way to make sure things your child loves in on their plate. I have been there. We have accepted that our kids will not always eat and have learned to deal with it in different ways.

When ever possible we include them in our food and meal decisions. We find out what they would like for dinner and if possible we provide it. Our kids are learning that it is not always possible for us to give them what they want. Also it has to be “real food” not treats and candy. You don’t want to know how often we have cereal, hot dogs or soup for dinner these days.

Portion size. We have reduced the portions we put on our kids plates. They get a spoonful of each item. They have to have at least the number of bites equal to their age of each thing on the plate. Though we tend to be a little lenient when out of no where the kids suddenly decide that they don’t like something anymore, one bite to try and then eat the other things on the plate.

If our kids will not eat, then that is fine, at five and three they understand the consequences. No treat, or dessert unless they eat their “real” food first. If they are to full too eat anymore then they are too full for dessert. Does it go smoothly, no way! We have a screaming child demanding that they get a cookie instead of the soup they asked for. Answer, “No, you eat your dinner first or leave the table and get nothing.” Often you will hear, “We are not a restaurant, you eat what we give you.” (Keeping in mind that they were involved in the meal decisions in the first place.) If the negative behavior continues food is removed from the table and they are done. If they are hungry later (and not at bedtime) they can have their dinner, not the treat or dessert. However at all time the child in question always controls if they eat or not, that is up to them. We cannot force them to eat all we do is give them the option to eat and don’t deny them the food when they are hungry.

Kids will not starve themselves, if they are hungry they will eat. It is just not worth the battle to try and make them eat. Just don’t give in on the candy, treats and desserts, they have to eat real food first. Also don’t force your child to eat something they hate unless it is all you have to give them.

My home was broken into today

My house was broken into today and I am very stressed out. When I got home from school James was unexpectedly home already. It seems he had left school a few hours early. He was wondering why I had moved his swords onto our bed and where was the one his dad had given him? I did not move the swords onto the bed, nor any of the other stuff he found on it. It seems someone had a key to get into our home. It may have been a master key used by locksmiths because our complex uses locks that are easy to remove and replace, all you need is one key to open every door in the 98 homes of the complex.

The police believe that either James interrupted them and they had time to get out of the front door before he made it through the back. However, they hid items in our living room under the couch instead of taking them. The police believe that they hid things in preparation for when they come back. They will not have to look around, they know where things are and hid the ones they wanted in a place that we would not normally look but would make it easer for them to grab when they came back with a truck.

This is very scary, fist that someone found it so easy to enter our home and that they did such a good job it was by chance we realized that something was wrong, and that someone had been in our home. If James had not asked me why I was moving the swords around we would never have figured it out. The second reason it is scary is because someone was in our home, and they can come back at any time. They have a key or master key to our home and we do not have anyway to keep them out. So now one of us has to be home all the time. That is going to be difficult and yet we cannot afford to not be home. We cannot replace anything right now so our lives have to suffer to prevent our home from being cleaned out.

We have already replaced the locks and are going to be buying alarms and more to try and prevent our home from being robbed. I am very angry right now, and part of me hopes they make the mistake of trying when we are home because then I can hurt them for putting me through this. Believe me when I say that even though I am for the most part a non-violent person right now I would love to be able to punch them in the nose or kick in a much lower area for trying to take what little we do have and making us live in fear.

Appreciating your child lets you value them

Recently I have started trying everyday to find something to appreciate about my children. Why, because it is a change in perception. I understand that if I appreciate something I value it. I am not saying that I don’t love or value my children but that by changing my view of things it changes my attitude as well. On a bad day I try to appreciate that my kids want to hug me and do things with me instead of seeing it as, “Why wont they leave me alone for five minuets.”

I appreciate the kindness and protectiveness my son has for everyone. He wants to be the hero, the one who keeps people safe from monsters. He takes on more responsibilities then a 5 year old ever should. He was telling me that if he defeated the monsters he would have money and he would give it to me and make things better. What five year old comes out with that? I value the person he is and is becoming. It is a lot easer to see it now that I am looking and finding things to appreciate about him. (picture is not of us, I don't like getting my pictures taken.)

My daughter is a little harder, but she is only three and going through what I hope is just a difficult phase. Though I have been told it never ends, they will always be rebellious and struggling to find or get their own way. However even on her worse days (and mine) I can still find something to appreciate. She love books and loves it even more when I read to her. She has a great smile and sometimes is willing to share with others spontaneously. There is a lot to appreciate in her and her actions if you take the time to look for it between the stubbornness and tantrums. She gets the stubbornness honestly so we are learning to live with it, lol.

Instead of concentrating on what went wrong or all the “bad” things the kids did or said, i.e. the negative things, I am looking past that to the kernels of “good” and fun in my kids. Every night I have started asking my son how much “good” is in him and he always tells me to guess. I start off holding my fingers together as if it is just a pinch. He says “no” and I move my hands apart a little. We keep doing this until I have my arms as outstretched as I can, and then he tells me it is even more then that. I have seen a huge change in him; it makes him feel good that I think he is that good. And he is a great kid when you take the time to look.

It goes back to that old saying “You will always find what you are looking for.” So if you are only looking for the negative, you will always find negative things. If you are looking for positive things you will find them too. It is just a matter of what you want to concentrate on. Looking for things to appreciate in my kids everyday is not always easy but it is worth it for my kids, our relationships and myself. I may not always appreciate what my children are doing, but I can always find something to appreciate in them.

At what point do kids have too many toys

As people walk into my home they see a living room full of toys. Everyone comments on how many toys my kids have. Then I have to let them know I have boxes more in the basement and we switch them every month or so. A look of shock is the usual response. My kids have a lot of toys. And every time we go out with them we tend to buy anther two, because we have two kids. So at what point do kids have too many toys?

Here are some clues your kids have too many toys:
You cannot store them, or put them away because you have run out of room.
Your kids only play with the ones on the top of the pile because it is too hard to get to the other toys.
You start storing in large tote boxes and don’t know what is in them or worse you have so many cars or dolls they actually fill up a tote box on there own.
Cleaning involves moving toys from one area to another and then back again.
You pack up 2/3 of the toys and the kids don’t notice.
You rotate boxes of toys every few months and the kids think you bought new toys because they don’t remember having them.
You buy batteries in the largest packages and still don’t have enough for all the toys that need them.
The pile of toys is bigger then your kids, or you.
There are so many toys that there is no space to play.
At Christmas you ask family and friends for toy storage instead of toys.

How do I know this, this is my home, what I live with every day and it is all my own fault. I did not have a lot as a child, I don’t remember ever having more then one or two toys at any point growing up. I tend to overcompensate by making sure my kids have lots of toys. For years I would buy up toys at garage sales, even toys that are for kids way older then mine. I would store them so that I had them when the kids got older. It was great; I could afford lots of toys I could not normally buy. It was fun to go out every weekend and see what we could find. The kids loved it and I don’t think there were many weekends in the summer we would not come home with new toys. Then I had to stop, we just did not need any more toys. The kids still ask if we are going because they live finding treasures as much as I do.

Then there are the Birthday, Christmas and oh I just felt like picking this up toys. Then there is the pitfall of; “Hey we are out and the kids have been good let’s go to the store and let them pick something out.” It is so easy to fall into the trap of picking up something new. I makes me feel good as a parent that I can give things to my kids I did not have as a child. However, there is a point when enough is enough, something has to give. A child can only play with so many toys at one time.

My solution, reduce the number of toys we buy. Let the kids keep their favorite toys in their rooms and the ones in the living room are boxed up toys and then rotated every few months. When the kids outgrow a toy put it out on Freecycle so some other kid can enjoy it. Is it working, not so well, you see Christmas is coming and we have a large box in the basement that has been slowly filling up all year with toys for Christmas. We just went from buying toys and giving them to the kids right away to “buying them for Christmas”. It is hard to say “No” to your kids or walk past a great toy sale when you are battling your own demons from childhood. It is a work in progress and it is going to take sometime, like 20 years, for me to fight the impulse to give my kids what I did not have.

Family survival guide for today’s economy

Things are hard for most people right now, and it looks as it is only going to get worse. People and families need help to survive this so called economic downturn. (Recession in any other language.) Here is a guide to help people survive. The keys are Prioritizing and budgeting combined with change and sacrifice.

Prioritize. You need to know what you are willing to give up and what you are not willing to give up. What is important to you? You cannot budget if you don’t understand what is important and what can be sacrificed. For most people the priorities are:
Rent or mortgage, food, essential bills, health insurance, car payments, car insurance, gas, clothing, personal hygiene and then entertainment and luxuries at the bottom. It is OK to have a non-essential item in your budget. It is your quality of life we are dealing with. What is important to you is not going to be the same for everyone else. Once you know what you value, what your goals are then you can start figuring out how to budget your goals.

For a lot of people what they prioritize is going to be completely different then other people. One lady I know wants to be able to go out and have coffee with her friends several times a week. She knows she cannot go out for meals anymore but she still wants to be able to go out and socialize over a cup of coffee. For my husband getting the credit card bills paid down, and keeping his credit good is his priority. For me it is keeping food on our shelves and making sure our kids have snacks and a drink box for school. Everyone values different things and that is OK, make sure when you are prioritizing you are honest with yourself and pick the things that you really value not what you think you should value.

Budgeting. Once you know what you need to have in your life you can make a budget. First you need to know what money you have coming in, where money is actually going verses where you need it to go. You need to understand where your money has been going so you can make changes. The best thing to do is write a list of your bills and when they have to be paid. Figure out what bills can be paid when, with what paycheck keeping in mind the need to buy food and other things. If making a budget is difficult for you there are a lot of agencies who will help you make one, some are free, others will charge you. Find out what is available in your local area. There is no shame in turning for help with your finances. It does not mean you are a failure, it just means you are like most people and need guidance from a third party that is not emotionally invested in your finances. If there is no one available locally there are quite a few sites on the Internet that can help you create a budget.

There are many different ways to live with a budget successfully. One is to pay the important items as soon as you have the money even if it is not due yet. This way you don’t have to worry about it and you will not spend the money on something else. Another is post dated checks, if you are the type to remember them and not end up with NSF charges because you forgot you wrote them (that’s is me). A good system is the cash in jar or envelops. When you get your money it is taken out of the bank and divided into envelopes. Each envelope has a label on in it showing what the money is for. Only the amount you need is put into it. So if you have budgeted $100 for food each week, then that is all that goes into the food envelop. For a lot of people it is easer to follow a budget when it is cash on hand. What you have is it, you can see it and touch in and feel its loss when it is gone. You just don’t get that with Interac. Find the budget system that works for you.

Stop using credit cards. You are only barrowing money that you will have to pay interest on. Often times this is where people get into trouble. They owe so much that all their money goes to the credit card and then they have to use what is on the credit card to live. As tempting as it is, do not use the credit card. Start using money and pay down your card with what you have left.

Change and Sacrifice. Unfortunately with today’s economy the only way to get through it is to make changes and sacrifices. That is what the prioritizing was all about, figuring out where you were going to have to make changes and what you had to give up. Change is hard on all of us but it needs to be done now before things get even worse. Identifying where your money is actually going verses where you need it to go is a huge part of making changes.
One of the biggest money suckers is on the go food and drink. Figure out how much money you spend on coffees, teas, pop, snacks, lunch out, dinner out, or delivery. It is actually kind of scary how quickly that all adds up. For a week keep every receipt and each day keep track of what you spent on each item. At the end of the week add it all up. How much did you spend on coffee, tea or some other drink in a week? What about snacks? Stop buying stuff on the go, instead find other options like taking a lunch and snacks. By changing this one thing you can save a lot of money.

How do you change from buying food and drink on the go all the time. Start planning. Make your lunch the night before. Start making dinner larger and take leftovers for lunch. By snacks foods or make snacks and take them with you just in case you get hungry. Start taking a thermos of coffee or tea. Bring a water bottle with you. If you like water fill it up at a tap instead of buying bottled water. Buy the big containers of juice crystals, gateraid, ice tea or apple cider and then make it in your water bottle. It is all about planning and thinking about what is going to cost less.

One way that worked for me is re-evaluating how I judge the value of something. A hamburger meal is not $5.00 to me but a bag of milk or two meals worth of hamburger. Don’t think about it as only $5.00 but what could you buy instead. It is funny how things value change when you don’t think about it in terms of money but in terms of what else you could get for the same amount of money.

Figure out what is the best value for your money when shopping. Big rule of thumb is it does not matter how much you saved on something if people will not use it, wear it or eat it. Make sure you are getting value for your money. A good example of this is no name pudding: No one in my house like the taste of it, so it is not worth it for me to buy it, even if it is a dollar cheaper. Going with no name products can save you money as long as it actually gets used. Look for sales, coupons and value priced (no-name or store brand) products, do the price comparisons because even when something is on sale does not mean it is the best deal. When I shop if it is not on sale I will usually not buy it, however if there is an item we use on sale I will often buy as much of it as I can, depending on how good the sale is.

Turn things off when not in use. This was a hard one for us. We left the T.V. on all the time, even when we went out, same with some lights. We have had to force ourselves to be more aware of what we had on and to turn things off. In Ontario the hydro company has just installed smart meters that will track not only how much electricity we are using but when. Soon they will be changing the billing process so that what we pay will depend on the day and time that we used the electricity, any where between 3 cents/kWh to 9 cents/kWh. This is going to change how we do things.

Buying secondhand before new is also a way to save money. There are a lot of secondhand stores around, though you still have to shop around. Garage sales, Mom to mom sales, kijiji, craigs list, and the classifieds can save you money. Going to clothing and furniture exchanges is also a great way to save money and help others. The idea is that you bring what you don’t use anymore and drop it off, and take what you can use. This has been great for kids clothing as kids tend to grow out of things faster then we can buy them. See if your local area has one, if not see if someone is willing to start one, often church’s, community centers or food banks are willing to have them. Freecycle is an online clothing and furniture exchange. Each local community has one for their area and it is done all by email. It is incredibly helpful. If possible start using the food banks. Even if they don’t have much to give it still frees up some of your money for other things. Sometimes $5.00 makes a huge difference.

It is going to take a lot of work on your part to make changes that you can live with. Things are going to have to be sacrificed. As money becomes even tighter we will have to give things up just to be able to continue paying bills. By prioritizing first you will know what you can and are willing to give up. The sooner you make the changes the better it will be.

Is giving up a child for adoption giving or selfish?

When my mother was pregnant she was told to have an abortion by her own family. When I was about to be born they told her to give me up for adoption. What was wrong? She was not married, so the solution was getting rid of the kid. For some people that is the quick and easy way to solve a problem. It is not an easy thing to do for some, at least not for that reason. Giving up a child for that reason is being selfish. Not being married is not why people give their child up for adoption.

Why do most people give their kids up for adoption? They are poor and unable to take proper care of their child and want a better life for them. The parent is too young to have a child of their own and no one to help them. The child is not healthy and the parent cannot cover the medical or the emotional costs, such as a child with Aids or handicapped in some way. Another reason is to protect the child from an unsafe environment, be it because of an abusive partner, or even being an unfit or abusive parent themselves, being on drugs or living an unsafe life such as prostitution. It is less selfish to remove the child and give them up for adoption then to keep them in that situation. If you cannot put food in your kid, or cloths on them, or a roof over them is it selfish to keep them or to give them up so they can have a better life?

There are some incidences were people can see giving a child up for adoption as being selfish. A person is finding it too much or too hard taking care of a child, or they just do not like having kids. Is it wrong for some one to recognize that they are not ready to be a parent, that they do not want children at this point of their lives? Is it selfish to have the child and give it up for adoption? Should they keep the child and feel resentful and angry about having a kid. To be honest I would much rather see the child going to live with some one who wants a child then to be stuck with some one who is just no capable or willing to take care of them. I have always had the opinion that if you do not want your kid it is better to give them up then to hurt or kill them. There have been too many cases of people killing their children so they could have a different life.

Abandonment is not ok. It is selfish to leave your kid alone on the street, or home with out any one to care for them, if you don’t want to take care of your kid any more do the decent thing and do it legal. Take the kid to children’s aid or who ever in your area helps kids. Give up your kids the right way. Don’t put them through abandonment but work with in the system to give your kids a better life.

The problem that happens is that people are giving up their kids after the cute baby stage. Damage has already been done if they cannot connect to the child. It is harder to find people to adopt non-babies. Every one seems to want the newborns, not the almost a teen. These kids end up in the foster system and even if they get adopted they end up with a lot of emotional baggage. It is better for the child to be given up for adoption at birth, but we all know life is not always easy.

It is selfish to keep getting pregnant and adopting the kids out because you don’t want to take responsibility. Go on birth control. Other people get pregnant just to sell their baby in the adoption market, to be taken care of when they are pregnant. They have the kid and go get pregnant again and again. I don’t understand how some one could do that, but some do.

So is giving up a child for adoption giving or selfish? Only the person giving up the child knows what their motives are. My opinion is that for the most part it is giving. If the adoption is ultimately best for the kids then it is giving and it does not matter if the parents reason was selfish or not.

Single parent and dating

How do single parents deal with dating and the potential heart break for their children? How hard is it to let someone into your life, and your children’s lives knowing that there is no guaranty they will be there in a year or even next week. I am seeing my friends having to make the decision to date or not. When children involved there is more risk of failed relationships and heartache all around. You also have to think about whom you are letting into your home and life.

When do you bring the person you are dating into your children’s lives? Is it better to develop a relationship with out involving your children or develop one with your children? There are pros and cons for both of these. If you develop a relationship with out involving your kids suddenly you are involved with someone your kids don’t know. What if the person you are involved with does not like your kids. You are in love but they don’t want your kids or your kids hate them. Or on the other hand you develop a relationship involving your kids, your kids form attachments and suddenly things are not going so will in the relationship. How does that affect your kids? Is it worth the risk of hurting your children?

One friend has decided that she cannot take the chance of her children developing a relationship with a father figure only to loose him like they did their father. She would like to date but knows that with three boys, one about to be a teenager, the chance of being able to form a lasting relationship is slim right now. The boys are going to either resent any male she brings into the relationship or try to bond with him to fill the void their Father has left. The potential conflict and pain is just not worth it right now.

Another is currently dealing with the break up of her year and a half relationship, watching her children go through the same pain they did when her and their dad went there separate ways. At lest with their Dad there is the chance of seeing him as he does have visitations if he wants. The problem is that they have seen more of the boyfriend then the Dad in the last two years and have bonded with him. They are having to go through all that pain and feeling of rejection again. And the boyfriend is not going to be coming over for visitations. They keep asking about him, “When is he coming back?” “Why does he not love them anymore?”

One friend gets his son on weekends, and he is stuck between his girlfriend and his son. The girlfriend is somewhat resentful that weekends always involve a third party, that all their plans revolve around the demands of his son’s mother. When they have to pick him up, drop him off. Suddenly they have to take him, or they don’t get him and their plans change. It is a big stressor on the relationship dealing with the disruptions and not being able to be spontaneous. The father is worried about what would happen if they have children. How will that impact his son, and how will his girlfriend treat his son once she has her own kids. It is a huge balancing act.

Then there is the question of whom are you actually letting into your home and giving access to your children. You take a chance every time you involve someone new into your child or children’s lives. Are they really going to have your child’s best interest at hart? There are people who prey on children, are you and your child a target? When you are a parent you have to protect your children, who else will? It can be incredibly difficult when you have children and want to date. You cannot always go off and do what you want or be with whom you want. A person is not just dating you, but your whole family package.

Does this mean that there is no hope, just find a cave and crawl into it until your kids are old enough to live on there own? No. It just means that when you have kids it changes dating and relationships. It changes how you go about developing a relationship and how you deal with break ups. It is not all about you and your feelings anymore; you have to think about your children as well. I don’t know how people do it. I think I would be one to stop dating until my kids moved out. It is hard enough to raise kids or develop a lasting relationship let alone trying to do both at the same time.

Define failure

Over the years I have come to realize that our fear of failure has more control over our actions then our drive to succeed. Most of us will go out of our way to not fail. Many will put more effort in avoiding what they perceive as failure then they put into trying to become successful. Our fears are a great motivator. I know that I will go to almost any lengths to avoid what I see as failure, which is also my greatest fear.

My idea of failure has changed over the years. First it was giving in, not surviving, letting my family destroy me, letting them win or being what they expected of me – their idea of a failure. I succeeded in not being a failure; I lived and believed in myself. Then it became a fear of loosing my job, being unable to provide for myself, still connected to my earlier idea of failure. Now my idea of failure is being homeless or not being able to provide for my children or keeping them safe. Again tying into my childhood, but not an unreasonable definition of failure. I am lucky in that I have not found myself in that type of situation, and hope I never do. I don’t know what I am capable of doing to avoid that situation; I do know I would do almost anything to not let that happen. Something like Katrina and its results of being homeless and without a way to provide for my children or keep them safe would be my greatest fear.

My Mother’s idea of failure was to be unable to keep a man, or to be with out a man in her life. My mother remained married to a man who was a drunk, drug user, rapist, and wife beater who tried to kill her, and me, many times over many years. One day I asked her why. She said, “If the marriage failed she was a failure”. She defined failure as being unable to keep a husband. It did not mater that we went without a lot of things, were poor, living in a trailer without water or electricity or that her husband beat her and life was bad as long as she had a man in her life she was good. It was strange to see someone accept all the pain and suffering for herself and child just to keep her husband because to loose him was to fail. And yet for me she was a failure because she did not protect nor provide for her child, whatever man that was in her life was always more important.

I know people who feel they are a failure if they don’t have the big paying job with a great title and the corner office and are willing to sacrifice everything and everyone to get there. Others think they have to be married and have kids before they are 30 or they have somehow failed. I don’t find these to be realistic definitions of success or failure, but then they are not mine. I know more people who define failure as not being there for their children, being unable to pay rent or put food on the table, or letting someone beat or control them. To me this is a realistic definition of failure.

As everyone has his or her own idea of success we also have our own concept of failure. This defines us as much as our concept of success. We are doing ok as long as this does not happen. Where is your line drawn for failure? What in your mind is the one thing that would make you a failure? Is it rational or realistic? I ask this because some people believe that everything is fine as long as this does not happen or they have not crossed a line but the reality is that they are in need of help, are on a downward spiral and should not be waiting until the worse happens before dealing with it.

People like my Mother who though what ever the man in her life was doing was ok as long as he stayed with her, even if he did not care for her, respect her or even want her alive anymore, or tried to kill her child. I see it in others all the time. This idea that as long as some pre-defined occurrence does not happen life is good no mater what is actually happening. It is like the drug addict who say’s as long as I am only popping pills and not using a needle I am in control, or the overweight person who is ok as long as they don’t reach 300 lbs, or the gambler who has not lost the house yet. . All Hell could be breaking loose in their lives but as long as “This” does not happen everything is OK.

Now most of us are not that bad, but we do need to understand what motivates us. Is it the desire to succeed or the fear of failing? I think that both can be a positive force in our lives if we have realistic drives or fears. What we see as success is not always what we see as failure. The idea of success is to make sure something happens, to not fail is to make sure something does not happen. The other questions we really need to be asking are, “If we do not succeed with our idea of success does that make us a failure?” “Or is it that if we can prevent what we perceive as failure from happening we are successful?” “Is success the same thing as not failing?” “Can we succeed in one area and fail in another?” “Are our definition of success the same as failure?” “Are our definitions of success or failure ours or what we have been taught to believe by others?” Most important, “Is our definition of success or failure realistic?”

Somewhere along the way I lost my name!

I know I had one. I remember as a child hearing it being called over and over again by frustrated adults. I remember having to respond to it in school and later it was found on things like report cards, drivers license and paychecks. I knew who I was. My name was my identity. What I did in life, what my role in life changed but my name was always with me.

Then one day I stopped being me. I became Mom, Mother, Mommy, Momma, and so and so’s Mom. Even my husband calls me Mom in front of the kids, the same as I refer to him as Dad, to avoid confusing our children. Other parents don’t know my name, nor I theirs. But as we pass each other from dropping our kids off to school or preschool our children identify us as “that is ______ Mom.” I find myself responding to children as they say, “ Hi *****”s Mom.” When I call the preschool or school I use my name but still have to identify myself as, “I am ****’s Mom”, before they know me.

My identity lost is lost not in a role, not a job or title but a state of being. I don’t always enjoy being a mother but I would not change it for anything. I used to say that what I did, what job I had did not define me, that it was just what I did. Being a parent is part of me, not something I do but an actual change of who I am. Did I think becoming a parent would change me, no, but it did. I identify myself as being a Mom. I am still a business owner, accountant, wife and a strong individual but somehow those are just part of who I am overshadowed by my role of Mom. I don’t think that is going to change. Hopefully I will always be Mom, because as long as my children are alive I will be Mom. One day if I am lucky I will become Grandmother and even Great Grandmother.

Are we teaching our children to be honest?

A five-year-old girl looked at a lady she had known for about a year and said, “You have a big bum”. The adult turned to her and said, “That is mean. You have a big head”. The child was not trying to hurt the ladies feelings; she was making an honest observation. She was confused by the reprimand and comment about her head.

To my shame I did not open my mouth to support the child. I was just shocked by the adult’s response, and was not sure how to deal with this when it was not my child. I know what I would have said if she had been talking to my daughter. “Your bum is big and so is mine, so what!” I figured the parent would deal with it, but I had forgotten that she is deaf and did not hear what was said. She was dealing with her son and was not in a position to lip read. I do feel guilty for not saying something to support the little girls honesty.

It did make me think about how honest children are. If you want a real honest answer ask a child’s opinion on something. They will tell you your breath stinks, that shirt does make you look fat and dinner is gross. Then we start to teach them to be polite, or lie to make people feel better. I don’t know about most people, but I know my butt is big and having someone tell me my butt does not look that big in those pants does not change the fact my butt is still big. If my breath is stinky I want to know so I can do something about it.

My husband would eat some dinner disaster of mine and I would be saying “this is bad” but he would keep on eating and saying it was fine because he did not want to hurt my feelings. Even after I would say, “It is so bad I did not want to eat it”, he would not admit it was horrible. For years he ate things way over spiced because he did not want to hurt my feelings. I would much rather had him tell me it was over spiced or not to his taste, that was why I was asking in the first place, to find out how he felt about the meal so I knew what he liked and did not like. He suffered for years because he did not want to be rude. I don’t even have to ask my kids, they tell me what they don’t like and why. Knowing makes it easer to have meals that actually get eaten, especially with kids who’s likes and dislikes seem to change with the direction of the wind.

In my home we are guilty of telling our children that we don’t want to hear about something anymore. Every time a toy commercial comes on all we hear is, “I want that”. It gets very frustrating after a few times of trying to explain that we don’t have the money so we end up saying, “I don’t want to hear that you want anything, don’t tell me you want it again”. Which is telling our kids not to admit they want things. We realized this and have changed it to, “put it on your Christmas list, maybe Santa will pick that one for you”. But we are still guilty of saying, “I don’t care anymore about who did what, just stop fighting” which is just a way of saying don’t tell me the truth, or the truth does not matter as long as the adults get the result they want.

I think that it is a fine line we walk when we are trying to teach our children not to be rude or demanding. They need to understand that it is ok to be honest about what you think, feel or want. We as the adults have to remember they are children learning about life. What does it say about our society when one of the things we teach is for them to not express themselves, make observations or state they like or dislike something? What are we putting more value on, honesty or dishonesty and emotional suppression to keep other people happy?

Mind you this is an observation from someone who does not have a filter on her mouth. I say what I think most of the time. If you ask for my opinion your going to get an honest opinion, so don’t ask me if you just want to make your ego feel better. I don’t go out of my way to be rude or insensitive, but I am honest and blunt about things. I respect that in others far more then the polite responses used to placate others. So of course I respect a child’s honesty. If I don’t like what kids have to say I don’t turn on the child and reprimand them or teach them to lie. If my butt is huge than I have to acknowledge and accept that it is and if I don’t like it do something about it. Not make people lie to me about it.