I understand that most people have been let down or betrayed
at some point in their lives. Usually by
friends or first loves when they are in elementary or high school. But most of us learn from that. It is one of life’s bitter lessons, that
usually helps us as adults to avoid or at least deal with situations where our
hearts have been smashed, our trust broken or some has just proven that they
are not meant to be part of our lives.
Sometimes there is that one person you just keep hoping they
will get their act together. Even though
it is not likely you still in the back of your mind expect that one day they
will change. You wait at every opportunity
to see if they will for once be the person you need them to be, even as you
fully expect them to let you down one more time. It still hurts ever time they prove that they
will never change even though they are given every opportunity to do so.
Eventually you have to simply walk away. Which sounds easy, but usually it is not especially
if they are family. How many times do
you let someone have the opportunity to let you down, disappoint or hurt you
just because they are your mother, father, brother, sister, son, daughter or
grandchild? How many times does the rest
of the “family” pressure you into giving them one more chance? How often does the very person hurting you or
letting you down make everyone else think you are the issue, not them? Or better yet convince your loved ones that
you are being unreasonable, and are the black sheep, not them? Nothing like having a loved one turn everyone
against you.
I learned at a young age that my parents were not to be
trusted, and did not have my best interest at heart. As a child I tried to get help, but people,
including family believed the adults not the child. Even though I went to them year after year
telling them what was really going on.
Eventually I stopped, betrayed a second time by the adults I turned
to. Other kids believed me, but what
could they do.
Eventually I became old enough to leave and I did. Other members of my family did help me go to
school, gave me a place to live for a couple of years. But even then they never believed me, always
supported my parents version of things.
Even when my parents did or said something right in front of them they
would self edit what happened. I think
they simply did not want to see or deal with the truth.
Over the years I grew up, moved out on my own. My father died, and on his death bed told me
he never loved me, never wanted me and did not want me to even attend his
funeral. My mother had tricked him by
getting pregnant. Nothing I did not
already know, but it still hurt that his last words were meant to hurt and
harm. My only crime, I was born. I did not even tell my work place when he
passed, did not cry a single tear. I
just went on with my life. It was not
like he was a part of my life before he died, I did not miss him.
My mother on the other hand was still a part of my
life. For the most part I just accepted
that she would be there. I simply did
not call her, or visit her. If she
called or came for a visit I would talk with her, spend time with her but I
would not go out of my way to do so. I
was constantly under pressure to call her from other family members. Eventually I had to cut her out of my life
for several years. Peace, finally peace.
Then I let my family convince me to talk with her. So contact began again. Eventually I started my own family and shock
of all shocks she seemed to be a good Grandmother. It happens, a bad mom but a great
Grandmother. I felt safe enough to go to
counselling, mainly to deal with things so I could be a good parent. I made the mistake of confronting my mother
about my childhood, only to find out that she denied all of it and the things
she could not deny “were not that bad and I deserved everything I got!” From what I can figure out she has self
edited the reality to make herself the victim and has never done anything wrong. She decided that I was no longer her child
and my children were no longer her grandchildren. Thank goodness they were too young to
understand or remember her.
However she started a campaign of hate right after
that. She convinced everyone that I cut
her out of our life, that I was denying her access to her grandchildren. She also convinced my family that I was
demanding money, and things. All I heard
was how horrible I was for not letting her even talk to her grandchildren. This from the same women who complained when
I emailed her a photo of my children and told me not to send her pictures of
them. It was easy for her to convince
everyone that I had done this because she had been telling everyone that I was
a liar since I was a small child. After
all the things I told my family at 5 had to be a lie, a parent would not do
those things to a child so it was easy for her to tell them it was a lie.
After many years and against my better judgement I finally
let her have contact with the kids. It
was okay for a few years, but again she decided she does not want to have
anything to do with us. She visited and
confronted me about all the lies I was telling her parents and sister. I had not talked to my aunt in 9 years and I
never talked about my mom to her or my grandparents.
It turns out that she has been full of anger for most of my
life. She was angry at me for “telling”
when I was 5 years old. She has self
edited her memories to the point that I was at 5 years old telling terrible
things just to cause problems. That
nothing was true. She was angry at me
and resenting me for things I said to her parents when I was between the ages
of 5 and 10. Some of the abuse came to
light when I was eleven/twelve and she sent me to live with my dad for a
year. So it comes down to the fact that she
has carried that anger for 40 years and in her mind it is a fresh as if it was
yesterday.
She decided to cut me and my children out of her life again just
like that. We don’t exist to her
anymore. I have two children who don’t
understand why Grandmother does not love them anymore, which is exactly what my
concern was when I let her into their lives.
My youngest daughter turned one today.
No card, no phone call, nothing.
She is lucky. She will never know
her Grandmother and cannot be hurt by her. As usual I am hearing from my family that I
must have done something wrong, after all I have always been the one who lied
and caused problems. So the consequence of
this is that now I don’t really have what I would consider family.
